the fifth week

Monday. The new depression meds are giving me blurred vision and an aching body. I missed my first class, worked 9:45-1:00, and then I took Faikham to WalGreens before class until 6:00. Faikham decided she wanted to go to WalGreens again, and Katie, Deshay, and Ams joined us. Katie and I had a cigarette together, and then she went off with Dylan.

Tuesday. I fell asleep while peeing in the bathroom, and my fall into the stall next to me jolted me awake. I almost fell asleep in Romans, and I was exhausted through my shift at the Hilltop. I skipped Geology to nap, and Stupid Farmer played Flight Simulator 2004 while I slept. I went to dinner with Ams & Jessie, and then I went to the Hilltop to hang out with Katie while she worked. Our friendship is growing, and I like it. Hensel did floor devos, and afterwards we went for a drive around the snow-covered hills. When we came back Rick caught us and asked us if we’d been smoking (it’s against the rules). I went to his office and confessed my ongoing struggle (if you can call it that) with tobacco and depression. It was a good talk, and he told me just to make sure I didn’t let him catch me doing it again or his hands would be tied.

Wednesday. Jobst spent the night in my dorm room last night because of 8” of snow. He, Gambill and I went to breakfast to discover that all morning classes were cancelled due to a 2-hour delay. I went to the Hilltop where I drank lots of coffee and hung out with Katie. She confessed that she and Dylan had sex last night. She said she loves him. “No,” I said. “You love the idea of him, the idea of loving and being loved. You slept with him not because you loved him but because you wanted to capture, if but for a moment, the intimacy of two lovers. But the sex was empty and hollow, because you can’t capture that.” She wept and confessed, “You’re right.”

Thursday. Gambill, Kugler, Deshay, Ashley M. and I got breakfast in the Golden Eagle before our classes. Romans  went well. I may move up a row, sit beside Mandy K. But I don’t know if she’d think I was hitting on her or something. I went to the Hilltop to hammer out a paper. I ate lunch with Jessie, went to Geology, and then Ams, Katie and I went to The Anchor. I had a goetta omelette, toast, coffee and cigarettes. I locked my keys in my car. Katie was pissed. We got them out ½ and hour later and returned to campus. I felt sad about my failures with women, and Jessie comforted me, saying, “Beast, you’re a great guy. You really love people. You’re smart, wise, and funny. Everyone who knows you calls you a great friend. You’re a popular, lovable guy, and one day a girl is going to fall in love with you, marry you, and have your children?” God, I hope so. And that is indeed a prayer.

Friday. Stupid Farmer and I ate breakfast in the Golden Eagle before our classes. I worked until 1:00 and then ate lunch with Ams, Emily, and Jessie. Karen and I hung out for a bit. She’s officially dating Brian know. She told me about their “sex-capades.” Oddly enough, it doesn’t bother me. I never really loved her. I went to Dayton at 4:30 and spent the day studying Romans. I lit a fire in the hearth and drank wine.

Saturday. I spent the morning drinking Deshay’s Christmas gift (Venezuelan coffee) and studying Romans. It’s difficult but enlightening. The weather was warmer, the snow’s beginning to melt. Ams spent a couple days in Kentucky with Aunt Teri, and after she did laundry at home, we returned to campus. Klink, Gambill, Kyle, Faikham and I hung out in the Rine lobby. Jessie and Ams joined us but left early to eat at TGIF with Justin and Dylan W. Faikham and I loaded into Gambill’s car and went to Steak & Shake for delicious milkshakes. We returned to campus and went to Student Life and played ping-pong. Jessie told me she and Justin had their first date tonight at his aunt’s condo on the river: dinner, a movie, and holding hands.

Sunday. Ams and I went to Tri-Health up I-71 to visit Sarah. She fed us, and then we went to Kenwood Mall, and when we got back I watched The Reaping with Kyle. Jobst was on campus and needed a ride home, so I hooked him up. At 6:30 Kyle, Gambill and I went to the Hilltop for dinner. Katie made me a surprise drink. I called Jessie to hang out, but she was at the condo with Justin again.