the 13th week

Mandy K. sipping a drink I made her at the Hilltop!

Monday. I went to The Anchor, drank coffee, and wrote two sermons. I worked 12-2:00 and visited Mandy K. at work in IT. Time flies when I’m with her; she’s so great. Gospel of Mark went well, and then I went to Eden Park and then to Mount Echo. It was a beautiful day, and spring has quite literally blossomed. The trees have burst into bloom, the sky’s radiant, the birds are singing, and God is good. Deshay and I hung out for a while. I chatted with her roommate, none other than Mandy K, all evening. At one point I told her, “I bet my random texts throughout the day annoy you.” “It wouldn’t bother me even if I was studying! But texting in general is lame compared to real conversation.” “Then we should have real conversation right now.” “Yeah, but you’re doing homework and I’m all wrapped up in a warm blanket listening to music and trying to figure out what I want to do with my life. You should just come here!” I asked her where she was; she said “In my room.” I asked her if she was really in her room or on the Hill. “My room! Come here!” I told her it’s against the rules. “I hate rules,” she said. I told her I’d get in trouble. “I think you should just come here. It’s just a stupid made-up rule.” Ams told me, “I think she likes you.” And Kyle agrees. Ams said, “She’s flirting pretty hardcore.” Just the thought of her liking me gets me excited. Tomorrow she’s “fasting” from phone and speaking; I’ll certainly miss talking to her.

Tuesday. It HAS been weird not talking to her. I want to be with her, and I need to pursue and flirt and give chase, but not today. I’ve been praying that God will speak to her, and I know He may convict her to run off to Africa. I fear that, I fear sitting idly by and watching her go. Needless to say, I’m both anxious and selfish. Anxious, because I fear she’ll be told to leave me; and selfish, because I want God to put my face before her: “Marry him, and minister with him.” She’s such a wonderful, ‘fantabulous,” phenomenal, and beautiful girl. God told me, “Trust Me. Years ago I promised you that I have a girl for you. A very certain and specific girl. That girl was not Courtney, nor Karen, nor Julie. I am faithful: I shall perform what I have declared. You fear because you do not trust; trust in Me casts out all fear. Trust that I will fulfill My promise; do not be wavered in trust by your past nor by your physical appearance. Such wavering is indicative of trusting in the Self rather than in Me. Anthony: TRUST IN ME.” Everything with Mandy K. aside, God DOES have a girl for me. I must trust Him to bring her to me. If that girl is Mandy K., then we will be together; if that girl is NOT Mandy K., then we will NOT be together. If we don’t end up together, it’s because God has someone else for me. *SIGH* If Mandy doesn’t want to be with me, I’ll still be her friend; and either way, meeting Mandy and getting to know her shows that there IS better than Julie and Courtney out there. Mandy towers over every other woman I’ve known.

Wednesday. Last night after sunset (the end of her fast) I asked her if she wanted to take a walk with me. “Why don’t we just hang out at the bar?” she said. So we did, and that was good, and then she sent me a text: “So normally I would be okay with walking around and chatting, but this is such a small school and I feel like people would assume and get the wrong idea, you know?” That text tore at my heart. I’ve just been reading into things with her. Damn it, Anthony. I told Ams, Kyle, Jessie, Gambill, and Stupid Farmer the news: “Things with Mandy fell apart. No big deal.” Lots of comfort and consolation. I may continue, despite this, to flirt with her. She may just be playing hard-to-get, and while that’s doubtful, I’ve only got about four weeks left to make a move. I went up to the IT department and visited Mandy at work, and then Brock and I took my Prizm to the overflow lot and gave it a good spring cleaning. Mandy and I did homework for a while, and being there with her and knowing we had no future made me super sad. So I went down to the riverside in Kentucky and sat on the rocks smoking cigarettes and just letting the night overtake me.

Thursday. I went to The Anchor after class. The waitress delivered my coffee and said, “We have you pinned down!” Mandy, Gambill and I sat on the patio for an hour talking, and then we migrated to the Hill to sit Faikham and Deshay. Faikham is really homesick, and she started crying. Ams and I went to The Anchor for an hour and talked about friendships, romantic relationships, and all the dynamics within. I went on a walk with Dan back on campus, and we ran into Amanda R. and Jake M. We talked and watched a huge storm front roll in. Faikham, Gambill, Ams and I went to Chipotle for lunch and then Faikham played music for me in the Prayer Room in the Worship Ministry building.

Friday. After classes I headed to Mom & Dad’s. I watched several episodes of The Office, swapped scripture with Mandy, and the came down with a nasty headache. I napped for a while listening to Kanye West and Flobots. Emily Allen got married last weekend. I had spaghetti for dinner and spent the evening talking with Gambill and Amanda Hoos online.

Saturday. I woke this morning with more Venezuelan coffee. I did laundry and napped, and then Dad and I got dinner at Wendy’s. During my nap I dreamt Mandy and I were married and living happily in our house. I woke up sad. I want marriage so badly. Call me strange, odd, even old-fashioned, but it’s true. An online personality test told me I’m a hopeless romantic. Who can argue against that? Mandy and I talked for a while this evening over the phone. I told her about my past. She was thankful that I was open and honest, and she assured me God’s grace covers it. She then apologized, because she’s afraid of getting really close to me, since she’s leaving in May. “I don’t want either one of us to be hurt,” she said. It’s sad, but I can understand where she’s coming from.

Sunday. I woke at 10:00, showered, ate breakfast, drank some coffee, loaded the Prizm, and went to church at Southwest. I returned to Cincinnati and worked 5:45-9:00 in the Hilltop Café.