#ballroomdancing, et. al.

snapshots of autumn

I'm sitting at a table in the dark corner of the dance studio, Happy plays over the loudspeakers, and a bunch of Downs are tearing up the dance floor. They certainly have a way about them. I used to sit outside on one of the benches and read, but it's getting cold and the rain doesn't seem to let up. The past two weeks have been nothing but overcast. I don't mind it: there's nothing quite like holing up in the Hobbit Hole, lighting oil lanterns and candles, and reading Stephen King as rain taps at the windows. That's what I have on the agenda for tonight, as well.

Ashley came over Sunday night, and we were up until 4 AM talking in the glow of candlelight. I was honest with her about the apprehension I've been feeling. It's only been a little over four months since Mandy called things off, and though I genuinely like Ashley, I'm fearful that I haven't recovered enough to be in a fully functional relationship. It isn't that I question my "like" of her; it's that I'm scared of hurting her deeply. She's become a great friend, and we've connected in such a way that it feels like we've known each other for years. I told her how I contacted Mandy, asking her if there was any possibility of us being together. The truth is that I wasn't wanting her to say "Yes"; I wanted her to say "No" (and she did), so that I could fully invest in Ashley. I told Ashley the truth: I feel at peace and content with her, I have joy sharing life with her, and being with her and the girls doesn't feel awkward or out-of-place; it feels right, and in a strange sense, it feels like home. 

I hung out with Ams for a couple hours last night and told her how things have been going with Ashley. I told her how I feel comfortable with her; I feel like I can be myself, and there's no pressure to be a certain sort of person with her. I don't feel that I have to meet an unspoken checklist in order to preserve her desire for me. I felt that way with Mandy, and though I knew it wasn't healthy, I was willing to overlook it, promising myself that, in time, things would be different. I felt a pressure to be this certain type of guy, a pressure not to show my weaknesses, a pressure not to be overly vulnerable; I felt a constant strain of tension, not knowing whether she would still want to be with me the next day. I told myself these feelings were irrational, that I would feel them with anybody; but I don't feel that way with Ashley. It isn't that Mandy made me feel that way; rather, it was a product of our story, the natural result of having the vacillation in her affections. The mere knowledge that she was capable of running, and even likely to run given enough time, fueled the stress and anxiety. Ashley and I don't have that sort of story, so I don't feel that stress. And you know what? It's nice. I can rest in her affection; I didn't feel secure resting in Mandy's affection for me. Ams told me she likes Ashley a lot and can see the two of them being friends and hanging out without it being awkward. My little sister's approval means so much.

"I think it's super cute that you two pray together," she said. "I know that's something you had and cherished with Mandy, and I'm glad you've been able to find that again." I'm glad, too. We're not doing the Heidelberg Catechism anymore (it took way too much preparation), but we've been doing a ready-made bible study. She has dyslexia and thus it's hard for her to read and comprehend what she's reading, so I read scripture to her, and she loves that. "You're a great reader," she said; "You really immerse yourself in the text and bring it to life. You don't read monotonously." I'm glad I don't bore her. We're going to start going to church together this coming Sunday. She told the girls and they jumped up and down with excitement. Her brother Nathan is probably going to go with us, too; he's really cool. 

As Ashley and I talked until early in the morning Sunday night, I told her that I'm scared of moving too fast, I don't want that pressure, and the M-word (no, not mezzanine) scares me. In the wake of everything with Mandy, I guess that's understandable? What I do know (and I told her as much) is that I really like her, I love spending time with her and the girls, I love the way we can talk and laugh and how we have the same sense of humor (her personality reminds me of Brandy Rae's), and I've felt much peace and contentment in these past two weeks of knowing her. I told her the future isn't guaranteed, but I do want to keep getting to know her and sharing life with her. She agreed, and so we decided we might as well become official "Boyfriend and Girlfriend" (I feel almost like a teenager writing this). Making it official doesn't mean we're going fast: it means we're just acknowledging what's been transpiring these past couple weeks. I'm at peace and happy with the decision.

The last song is playing now. It's time to pack up.

Bring on the Rain, the Oil Lanterns, and some Stephen King.

It should be a delightful night.