a walkeri of a post

#justbecause

I'm sitting here in the living room in Blue Ash. Ben is at a Cyclone's game. Jason is watching Galaxy Quest. It's his new favorite. I've seen it about twelve times this week.

Hopefully I'll be hearing back from Mayhill tomorrow. The congregational vote is taking place, and if 75% of the congregants approve me, I'll be offered the job (and I'll take it). My fingers are crossed and many prayers are being made for this opportunity. If I get hired, I think my first "sermon series" will be on Christian eschatology: the End Times, the Great Judgment, the resurrection of the dead, the new heavens and new earth. Maybe I'll even throw in some of my postmillennial thoughts! 

Things with Ashley have been tense. We both have our issues, mine from Mandy and hers from her ex, and that's been stressful. No one's perfect and everyone's broken. But sometimes the "brokenness" can sabotage a relationship. I'm not sure that's what's happening, but I do know my fears are growing as my awareness of the depth of my issues (as well as hers) becomes increasingly sharp. I'm not sure how this will play itself out, and it makes me anxious as hell. I talked to Jessie about how things have been going with Ashley. I told her it's been hard because I'm still in love with Mandy, and that sucks. "That does suck," she said, "but I think it just goes to show how awesome your love is. The amount that she has hurt you hasn't changed the unconditional love you have for her." I, for one, wish it did. 

But my love for her has always been resilient; a better word these days would be "terminal." I heard on the radio how most married couples remember "the one that got away," that "true love" that didn't work out, and they were talking about how they've come not to expect that. It's sad, really, how there are people you can love with every fiber of your being and never love anyone close to that amount. Maybe one day I'll be over all this, but I have a feeling that she'll always be "the one that got away," the True Love I simply couldn't hold onto despite all my efforts, sacrifices, and prayers. Don't get me wrong: I didn't love Mandy as well as she deserved, especially after the break-up. My words, born out of grief and anger, were aimed to wound. When I realized she was still reading my blog even though I made it private to prevent her from reading it (I used it as a sort of "online diary" to try to work through all the emotions), well, I kinda snapped. It kinda felt like a home invasion of sorts. All this to say, I wasn't exactly hitting the mark with loving her all the time. But I did love her, and part of me, at the least, still does. And that's causing a hell of a lot of problems with Ashley and me.