An Ending...

I've decided to shut this blog down, at least semi-permanently. My blog used to be a "safe place," where I could rant and rave to my close friends. When Mandy ended things, I knew that I needed a clean break from her. I requested her not to visit my blog; she refused. So I changed the URL like five hundred times. She hunted it down each and every time. What surprised me was the adamant way she continued to search for and read my blog despite my multiple requests for her not to do so. She was the one who decided she didn't want me in her life, and it was hurtful to know she continued coming back to "keep up" on me. I know her reasons for doing so weren't bad: she cared about me and wanted to make sure I was doing OK. What bothered me (and still does) is how she caused me so much pain and continued to read my wrestling over what happened, fully aware that each visit was logged and that her visits made it harder for me to move on. 

It's mind boggling, really, that she has continued to do so up to this point. If I told a woman who loved me more than life itself that I loved her in the same way, if I told her that she could trust me with her heart, if I planned a wedding and a life together and a future family with her, if I said all the things that Mandy said to me, and then out-of-the-blue called things off, I don't know how I could continue to do something that exacerbated her pain. I would feel like shit for the pain I caused, and I would make sure not to cause anymore emotional damage in her life. I would leave her alone, knowing that I had been a black spot on her life and caused her more pain than anyone ever had. How do you do something like that to someone and then persistently cast aside their wishes to have you leave them alone? That's why it's mind-boggling.

I considered emailing Mandy, asking her yet again to "cease and desist," but then I was honest with myself: she wouldn't. It doesn't matter what pain her visits cause, she won't stop, because she hasn't. It's been a year, and she continues to come here knowing what it does to me. It's weird, too, because she's with someone else, and she's happy, and it's strange for her to stalk her ex-boyfriend. I'm not talking about one or two visits a week; we're talking more like 1-2 visits a day (and often more). If I emailed her about it, she'd deny it, but it's hard to argue that someone else is using your old IP address and showing such interest in an ex-lover. Her visits make me wonder why she finds herself unwilling or unable to just let me go; I know the concurrent thoughts are absent substance, but the thoughts are there nonetheless. She was the love of my life; she knows how stubborn my love for her has been and continues to be; and I know she's intelligent enough to understand the unintended effects her visits produce. I'm still struggling with things, trying to make sense of things. I'm not mad at the decision she made, and I know it was a hard one for her to make. But it's difficult for me to move closer to "letting go" when irrational thoughts stem from her visits. She told me that she prays for my healing, but what does that amount to when she refuses to give me the space I need? On the one hand she prays for my healing; on the other she actively works against that healing. She's given me no choice but to leave behind what we had and could have had, and that's exactly what I've been trying to do for the last year, but her actions continue to but a block in my way. 

As I wrestled over whether or not to email her, whether or not to open that line of communication, I decided that the best route would be to just shut this thing down. I just don't think it's right to open that kind of communication with, say, someone you loved and were going to marry and who has continued to have your heart. It wouldn't be healthy for me, and it would be annoying to her. I can't move on with her keeping tabs on my comings and goings. I wish she would've respected my wishes, but that's asking too much these days. I really have no other recourse, for the sake of healing, than to call this thing quits. She can't keep causing me pain if I give her no way to do so. I just don't see any other way of resolving this issue. 

Blake, I'll be keeping up with the "weekly updates."

(I know how much you like them)

It'll be a private blog: I'll give you the URL.