There are 40 billion stars in our galaxy, and our sun is just one of them. In the galaxy right next to us, there are 400 billion stars. There are 50 billion galaxies in the known universe, and more are discovered each day, each galaxy loaded with billions of stars. Almost every star has its own system of planets; on the outside, there is nothing unique about our little hovel called earth. Yet there is something unique about us. In a universe filled with zillions upon zillions upon zillions of planets, the Creator of the Universe, the very One who spoke the stars into existence and spun the clouds of nebulaes, decided that He would make creatures in His own image, and place them on a planet on the fringe of a swirling galaxy. He decided He would not just make them in His image, but draw them to be His students, His apprentices, and become intimate with Him. When this universe falls apart and He makes the universe new, those created in His image have a wonderful inheritance: ruling over the new universe with the Creator!

It would be fun to live in the Appalachian Mountains away from the big cities. To live up on the forested slopes, where there are bears and wild animals, snakes and all kinds of beautiful wildlife. At night I could lay in my bed and listen to the coyotes howling and the insects singing. I could maybe even lay out on my roof, look at the thousands of stars stretched over the rolling silhouettes of mountains, see the moon so close, and feel the kiss of God upon me. Maybe I could have a small garden to work on, and be a teacher at the local school. A small house, a simple existence. Spend my free days alone with God or in the company of friends and family, reading and writing and working outdoors. Helping out those who need the help. It would be wonderful. My heart breaks for the simple and pristine life in the Appalachian Mountains, and I believe it is a snapshot--even if ever so brief--of our home in Heaven.

Do you know how selfish I am? If you don't, let me tell you:

I am so selfish that, despite my excellent health, my great friends, my loving family, despite the fact that I have food on the table and I can keep my windows open at night with no threat of kidnappers sliding through, despite the truth that I do not have to stay at home to avoid genocide, and despite the brilliant, bright and hopeful future God has given me, despite all the beautiful blessings I have through Christ, despite all the wonderful gifts God has given me, despite all of this I complain because one or two (equally selfish) prayers are not met to my exact specifications.

Think I'm still not selfish? How selfish is this: I take for granted all my blessings, covet the blessings of others, and cry out to God when He doesn't serve me all my dreams and desires on a golden platter.

I could stop here. But I can't. I am so selfish that I whine about a little discomfort as millions are starving to death around the world, I whine as people are massacred in unpronouncable foreign countries, their memories left to rot in ditches, I whine as children in Africa are sold as sex-slaves for money so Mom and Dad and Brother and Sister don't have to die of hunger...

and "Oh God, I lost my keys, I'm cursed and forsaken!"

G.K. Chesterton, when asked what was the biggest problem of our modern world, did not give some lofty theological or philosophical answer, but wrote his answer on a piece of paper in big bold letters: "I AM" The problem with society is in me and it is in you. It is in humanity. We are selfish, greedy, ignorant. I look at myself, give a nod to Chesterton, and say, "Right on, Brother."

I recently finished The Vanishing Conscience by John MaCarthur. I saw it on the bookshelf at Borders and bought it along with another of his books, The Gospel According to the Apostles. He seems to have an adequate grasp on the concept of sin and does a good job at reminding us of the vileness of sin (vileness, what a cool word). One of my favorite quotes is, "The weakness of the church is not that we're too uninvolved in the politics or administration of our society, but that we too easily absorb the false values of an unbelieving world. The problem is not too little activism, but too much assimilation."

He divides his book into three parts: A Sinful Society, The Nature of Sin, and Handling Sin. In A Sinful Society, he does a good job of showing how sin has thwarted our consciences to not care so much about sin. He also has some pretty convincing arguments showing how the American society has become numb to sin, and how the church itself has, in many ways, become numb to sin (though I'd say my own church has a hold on things). The Nature of Sin explores the biblical concept of humankind's total depravity, how the Cross of Christ has killed sin's power over us but not totally removed sin from us, and then he has a wonderful chapter on sanctification. Handling Sin is perhaps my favorite chapter; it deals with crucifying sin, handling temptation, keeping a pure conscience, and how sin relates to shame, psychology, the Church, the Christian, and God.

I recommend it. Four out of five stars, as it reads slowly at times. He has tackled the issue of sin wonderfully and biblically. His treatment of sin is something I haven't seen so well-done ever before. And these are my thoughts.

This is a prayer attributed to Thomas a Kempis (1380-1471) (ninety-one years, nice):

Grant me, O Lord, to know what I ought to know,
To love what I ought to love,
To praise what delights thee most,
To value what is precious in thy sight,
To hate what is offensive to thee.
Do not suffer me to judge according to the sight of my eyes,
Nor to pass sentence according to the hearing of the ears of ignorant men;
But to discern with a true judgment between things visible and spiritual,
And above all, always to inquire what is the good pleasure of thy will.

I often ask God to "guide me," and it wasn't long ago that I realized I was using this as a pretty cliche. So I started peering into what I was really asking for, and discovered that I ought not to ask, "Where do you want me to go, what do you want me to do?" but rather, "Who do you want me to be?" So I ask, "God, guide me in being who you want me to be."

Who does God want me to do be? The answer drenches the pages of the New Testament and Christ's words tell us. He wants me to be a disciple of Christ, intimate with God and conformed to Christ. I don't think God is so much interested in what we do or where we go, but who we are. Salvation is not found in what we do or whether or not we join a monastery; it is actually founded in our becoming lifelong disciples of Christ, founded in our developing intimacy with Christ and God (John 17:3).

So from now on, my prayer is, "God, who do want me to be?" And His answer: "I want you to be a disciple of My Son so that you can become intimate with Me and become like My Son. And I will guide you." Where does He want me to go? Wherever it is, it is far more important that I be like His Son. What does He want me to do? Whatever it is, it is far more important that I be like His Son, not only in word and deed, but in the inner parts of my being.

Today was a good day. I woke up late and fixed toast for lunch. As I sat downstairs contemplating how to spend my day before rock-climbing, Mom invited me with her to check out the Garage. We went but it wasn't open, so we decided to go to Centerville Library. By this time my stomach told me the time to eat had arrived, and Mom was taking a long time in the library looking at movies. I dragged her away and she wanted a Diet-Coke. MURDER! That's what it felt like, my stomach was asphyxiating so bad. As we pulled in to the Burger King parking lot, I happened to catch a glimpse of what looked like a bank, except it was a Starbucks. My sweet-talking landed a frozen caramel frappachino in my hands, and I sipped it happily all the way home, not a care in the world.

Before rock-climbing I watched I (Heart) Huckabees. I heard about it from Adam's blog. I thought it was a good movie, with some wry humor. I just thought the acting was really good and the conversations people had were just hilarious. Yet I talked to Jeff about it on the way to rock-climbing and he said he didn't like it. Rock-climbing wore me out and my forearms are on the verge of deterioration. Mike showed up today with the rest of us, and I hope he can come out with us sometime again. Unfortunately, I only have one more time for rock-climbing before college starts up. I didn't do too well rock-climbing this time; I tried a hard track once, failed, and from then out my arms were dead. I was able to climb three medium courses, and then got halfway-up a hard course but had to come down as my arms were shaking so bad. It was lots of fun, though, don't get me wrong.

I am also glad to have gotten in some good reading as well as some writing done. Debbie bought me Your God is Too Small for graduation and I've started it. I think it's really good.

"As long as we live in this world it is impossible for us to be without trials and temptations... No one is perfect or so holy as to be without some temptation; nor can we ever be totally free of them. Though temptations, may be troublesome and a burden, nevertheless, they often prove very profitable, for through them we are humbled, purified, and disciplined.... There is no religious order so holy, no place so isolated, where trials and temptations are unknown... We are never entirely free of temptations--no matter how long we live--because we carry their very source within us. We have all been born with [sinful natures]... When one temptation or trial passes, another comes, and we shall always have something to suffer... Many attempt to flee temptations, but they only sink more deeply into them. Conflicts are not wpn by running away; rather, it is by humbly and patiently standing up to them that we gain strength against all our enemies... With patient endurance and with God's help, little by little, you will better conquer them, than by frantically reacting to them. When temptations do come, seek counsel frequently, and when someone else is tempted do not treat him harshly but, on the contrary, console and encourage him. Show him the same kindness you yourself would like to receive.

"We must be especially on our guard at the beginning of temptation, for then we can more easily overcome the enemy if we refuse him entrance into our mind and, keeping him outside on the doorstep, confront him at his first knock. Someone once said: 'Take a stand at the very beginning; it is much too late to apply medicines after the illness has grown worse because of long delays.' Temptation, at first, is but a simple thought in the mind; the imagination then embellishes it and it takes on the appearance of something quite desirable; then follows a powerful attraction and finally the will's consent. The depraved enemy gradually gains entrance if he is not resisted at the very beginning. The more sluggish our resistance, the more vulnerable we daily become, and the more powerful does our adversary grow.

"Therefore, we must not yield to despair during temptation, but pray the more earnestly to God, asking Him to support us in every trial, remembering the words of St. Paul: with the temptation God will also provide a way of escape, that you will be able to endure it. In all trials and temptations let us then meekly place ourselves before God who has promised to save and raise on high those who humble themselves in spirit. A man's spiritual progress is put to the test by trials and temptations, and by resolutely bearing up under them he not only gains greater merit but gives evidence of his virtue. There is nothing remarkable in a devout and fervent man being without trials, but if he suffers patiently in time of adversity, then, there is hope for great spiritual advancement."

These are the always-beautiful words of Thomas a Kempis. A great guy, lots of wisdom.

I feel drained. Sometimes, when I am surrounded by people constantly, my energy saps away, my happiness begins to leak, and I even become bitter. My selfishness comes forth to show its true colors and I have to ask forgiveness from others for the way I treat them. It becomes difficult for me, in some ways, to be the generous and loving person Christ calls me to be. More people are sleeping downstairs, but in an effort to touch but a fragment of solace, I have dragged my precious bedside items up here into the dark and abandoned living room, and I sit in this chair and type, adoring the silence. Being around so many people with no breaks for relief completely sucks the livelihood out of me. I am thankful even for a few ephemeral moments of solitude. I believe we all need time for solitude in our lives.

Sometimes my own desperation leads me down roads I'd be better off not traveling, dragging me down alleyways and avenues lined with crooks and gangsters and false lovers. It is a cruel thing, desperation; it can draw up a well of prayers or a well of selfishness. It can draw up life or death. It can draw up joy or frustration, contentment or heartbreak, peace or division. Every time I let desperation guide my life, things go wrong. I don't ever seem to learn. I know the remedy well-enough; rely on God instead of myself. Throw my desperation upon Him, as He has good plans for me, not plans of disaster. Let him do the guiding as we sled through the rockies. He is under control, and I don't act like it. I think I have to make things happen, I have to go out-of-my-league to get the ball rolling. No; I honestly believe that if I just pursue God, pursue intimacy with God and discipleship to Christ, and live my life as He has created me to live, He will piece things together and offer them to me as gifts. I'm not under the belief that discipleship and intimacy to God through discipleship leads to "health and wealth," but God will take care of all my needs. I just need to rely on Him. This is what I believe. The hard part is believing it when the desperation really hits home.

"And then [Christ] added, 'It is the thought-life that defiles you. For from within, out of a person's heart, come evil thoughts, sexual immorality, theft, murder, adultery, greed, wickedness, deceit, eagerness for lustful pleasure, envy, slander, pride, and foolishness. All these vile things come from ithin; they are what defile you and make you unacceptable before God.'" - Mark 6:20-23

I've just been consuming the Gospel of Mark, but the Spirit hung me up right here. It is odd, because at the moment I read it, I struggled to understand, fought to bring out the things I've learned in the past. Yet now the Spirit speaks to me through these verses in many different ways, and I believe the Spirit's pressed it against me so I can just lay back, listen, and ruminate on what He says. These are a few of the things I've had brought to the forefront of my mind through this beautiful trilogy of scripture:

1) The problem of sin isn't so much what-we-do but who-we-are. Since conception we are fallen creatures, with fallen natures; instead of having a Spirit nature, we have a sinful/human nature. Thankfully, Christ offers us the Spirit nature through His grace and transformation; when we take on the Spirit nature, we reap the fruit of the Spirit. When we are slaves to the sinful nature, we reap the fruit of the flesh. All the sins Christ listed are sins that are manifested because of the sinful nature in the heart. The reason they are there is because the heart is corrupt (or at least not completely transformed into the Spirit nature)... The Spirit speaks to me, "Look at the sins you struggle with, but don't concentrate on just getting rid of the acts. You have to dig deeper, into your heart. Only when your heart is changed into a heart of the Spirit can your actions deny the fruit of the flesh."

2) The greatest way to see who we really are, at the core, is not looking at the sins we commit. It is possible to be filthy on the inside and yet look righteous on the outside, so just looking at how much or what sins are committed is not a good gauge. Instead we must look at our thought-life. Why? Because the thoughts that run across our mind come directly from our heart. The sin we see is the evil in our hearts manifesting itself physically... The Spirit speaks to me, "Look at your thought-life. See what thoughts run across your mind: are they thoughts of lust, thoughts of revenge, thoughts of pride? Even if you do not commit acts of lust, acts of revenge, and roll in pride, you are still sinning. By looking at your thoughts you can see what is wrong within you and only when you know this can you really, adequately pursue transformation. The greatest way to see who you are is to look at what runs inside your head, where thoughts don't need to be measured and censored to avoid being seen."

3) Throughout this same chapter, Christ is condemning the Pharisees for their hypocrisy. The hypocrisy Christ is hammering them for is, if I am not mistaken, the fact that they color themselves up to be righteous but their insides are dirty as smut. It's easy to look religious and even look intimate with God on the outside--read your Bible, say lots of prayers, reach out to others, avoid sin--but the test of whether or not we are religious, whether or not we are intimate with God is what is on the inside, and only Christ sees that (though everyone will one day when Christ reveals our inner motives to all). The Spirit speaks to me, "Make sure you aren't just playing a game. Take some time away and really look inside at yourself: what are your motives, what are your secret desires, what are the thoughts than run through your head, what is the real reason you are pursuing God?" Are my motives corrupt? Do I harbor secret and sinful desires that may even exist in the subconscious? What are my secret thoughts that no one but me knows? Why is it I pursue God--is the reason pure (pursue God for God) or corrupt (pursue God out of entertainment, for security, for Heaven, for blessings and gifts, etc.). Eventually Christ will bring all these to light and expose everyone for who they really are. The beautiful thing is, we're not screwed. The Spirit continues, "If you find that your motives are twisted, that you hide secret desires, that your thoughts are not glorifying to me, that your pursuit of God is corrupt, if you discover any of this, lay it down before God, abandon it at the Cross, completely kill it, crucify it, ask forgiveness, and allow Me to change you."

This is what the Spirit is speaking to me through these scriptures. There may very well be other meanings, and if you have one, throw it my way as a comment. I believe that the Spirit speaks to each of us in different ways through the same pieces of scripture; after all, the scriptures are not just dead ancient texts but actually alive and pulsating with the Spirit of the King.

This morning I woke nearly with the sunset, and after a quick shower and a wrestling-match with contacts that I did not win, I decided to wind down--or wind up?--with some Folgers coffee while browsing the internet to see if anything exciting happened overnight. Other than some new posts by Adam, nothing really did. So I had a bowl of cereal and played Call of Duty and Black Hawk Down on the XP until Chris, Lee and Pat D. arrived at 11:30. I'm a fan of the realistic war games like that. They're just so exciting.

Jeff took us all out to eat at China Cottage, and the food--no surprise--was amazing. Everyone pigged on General Tau's chicken, but I went the wayward route with some chicken/beef/shrimp lo mein. Jeff took us all to the Garage where we spied on all the new stuff coming in. We also played around with my new cell phone. It is really nice and tech-savvy; I'm always behind on the times but it's exciting when the present catches up with me. After lunch, us guys all went to Drug-Mart and rented two DVDs, Pat D. slurped up an Icee and I purchased an $.89 cappucino at Speedway that was just beautiful. I drank it on the way to the Flower Factory in Centerville; I've been graced with a pass and let Lee sneak in as a guest so he could buy his poker chips. Tomorrow is my last day of work and, to celebrate, I think we're going to play some poker and camp out in Dewenter's backyard. Maybe I will be lucky enough to train Ashlie tomorrow: my last day, her first day. The irony is suffocatingly wonderful.

All of us guys and Ams watched Beyond the Sea, a classic movie with Kevin Spacey as the star. I am considering asking for it for Christmas, as well as the two movies The Life of David Gale and The Usual Suspects (I already have it on VHS, but DVD would be lots better). We ate grilled steak and chicken for supper and I'm about to take Chris home. In fact he is sitting on my bed right now waiting. He can wait a little longer. After I take him home, I imagine I will watch Enemy at the Gates, then burn incense and listen to some Bobby Darin music, read some Thomas a Kempis, and fall asleep to the sound of the insects outside my window.

"I half- long for and half-fear the heartbroken innocence I once had. There's a prayer, and I don't know who said it first, but it goes, 'Let my heart be broken with the things that break the heart of God.' For my heart to be broken this way, I've got to somehow go back to a time before I figured out what the "real world" is like." - from The Ooze

Something just resonated within me when I read this statement. If we stand away from the world as we know it and look with fresh eyes, seeking the heart of God to become our heart as well, what will we discover? Will we enjoy the same things, will we not care about the same things, will we be as flippant and careless as we are, will we laugh so much at others or be so complacent in our own lives? Will our hearts convict us or approve us? Will we find our smiles filled with God or with the world? Will we find that we truly are intimate with God--or will we find we are living a lie?

I often find myself doing things that I probably shouldn't. I'm not talking about lust or greed or gossip, though these are sins I struggle against. I am an intern with 412, I will be going into youth ministry, and that means that, whether I want it or not, I have a bigger responsibility than I would have if I were not; a responsibility to keep a deep check on what I do, what I say, how I act. There are some things that are not really sins but I need to avoid because they may open up chasms in my line of un-professional work. I have to keep an eye on everything and make sure nothing is questionable. It's really hard; every day I see something I did or said and I am like, "Dang it," and I hope that there are no reprecussions from my mistake. It's evident how I really need to watch the way I live because, simply, people are watching, and that's nothing to take lightly.

Excursion was simply amazing. The kids are lots of fun, the Jr. High boys are chronic liars, and we had great company. We were lucky enough to have a wildlife explorer with us who hunts deers with knives (jump from the trees when they walk underneath, grab them by the antlers, and slit their throat with a machete), and he also knows how to tell the age of a tree by putting your ear to it, knocking, and listening for the resounding echoes (multiply the echoes by 27, but be careful: sometimes it's a decimal and you have to listen for the point). We did some (kamikaze) rapelling, some (kamikaze) mountain-climbing, some (kamikaze) caving (watch out for the blind cave tortoise; they're like giant snapping turtles, except they go really fast and run along the walls and ceilings).

One of the coolest moments happened late last night; we weren't allowed to make noise because the camp-ground didn't allow it, so I simply laid down by the fire and watched the embers burn. When I looked up, I saw two of the girls reading their Bibles via fire/flashlight. I bathe in Sr. Highers who let their Bibles sleep eternally on their shelves, and here are two yong girls consuming the scriptures. It was just simply awesome to see two girls excitedly reading the Bible, and there was another one who was talking about trying to read the Bible all the way through in one year (we recommended not doing that; you'll simply fail in Leviticus: aim for the Gospel of Mark or John). I just think it is so cool that those girls were reading their Bibles when they could be sleeping. I never thought I'd be inspired by those girls, but after I saw it, I did the same in the tent. Really inspiring.

Yet now I am going through post-vacation depression. Oh well. Maybe I will do something homely yet exciting to suave the pain as much as possible. I just can't wait until I am a youth minister - only four more years (hopefully).

The last few days have been tough. I've been getting over--or attempting to get over--the withdrawal effects of my pain meds before the Excursion tomorrow. Wednesday night I went rock-climbing with Dad, Jeff, and the Garlands. I didn't rock-climb though, as my head was killing me. I sat on the balcony and laid my head back and all the sounds of the gym ran through me like a saw grinding back and forth and it felt that bad. I could barely say anything at home and vividly remember driving through our subdivision and hitting every light, wondering How could this possibly be happening? When Dad took us through the I.G.A. drive-thru for pop-tarts, I had to summon every ounce of strength just to roll down the window. I had looked forward to The West Wing and a frozen pop-tart, but instead struggled for sleep as my head screamed sonnets of agony. The next day wasn't so bad. God spared me the worst of it when I was riding around with Jeff, checking out the Garage and picking up a trailer. In my down-time at home I suffered through bursts of nauseas diahrea (sorry ya'll with weak stomachs; you who've experienced are nodding your heads I'm sure). I also had nausea, a little headache, and dizziness all day. If I bent over my head shrieked. Sleep called me from 4:00 to 8:00, but when I tried to go to sleep at midnight, my head felt like lead and I stared at the ceiling for five hours with broken David Crowder lyrics running loops in my head. Today is going much better. I was able to pick up my room, make my bed, do dishes, play outside, get coffee with friends, and write without the accompanying pain. Things are looking up. My jaw still hurts a little, though.

Tomorrow is the first day of Excursion. I'm really excited. This is my first major event this summer with the Jr. Highers, and we're going to be rock-climbing and caving and talking about God and worshipping around the fire. Hopefully God spares the rain, but maybe the rain will make things more memorable? We shall see. Pray that eyes will be opened and that the Spirit has an open road into everyone's heart.

Chad made a comment on the last post that really made me stop in my tracks, think it over, and read it again: "I've known a few people in my life that spend so much time trying to be '"great thinkers of the faith' that they lose sight of the key." I've been guilty of this a few times in my life: spending so much time thinking theology, brain-storming theology, that I lose sight of my pursuit after God and my becoming like Christ.

On The Ooze, someone said, "One can get mired down in all sorts of theological stuff. Then the need to get the right angle or version can take the place of the desire to be Christlike and be a blessing to others." From someone who likes to exercise the brain muscle (a little Dodgeball pun), I admit that sometimes getting the right angle--the right theology, the right philosophy, the right understanding of a passage or bit of scripture--and even just getting the right version of the Bible--a year or two ago I went through a crises of the versions, researching and studying and comparing versions for the one most able to aide my spiritual journey--can overrule the call of Christ to be like Him and to love others as Christ loves us. There is nothing wrong with the pursuit of knowledge, but when it takes over the pursuit of God, something wrong has happened.

I have had lots of down-time lately that I've spent just contemplating spirituality. Something that has really been on my mind lately is salvation; not really what it is, but how we accept the gift. The one I've been raised up to believe is the whole believe, confess, repent, be baptized. But I've been running into other theologies, such as we don't need to repent of our sin at all because of the Cross; I think that's crazy. I've also seen some that say there is no way to know if we are saved, but that doesn't sit well in my stomach. A new one - well, new to me - I've discovered is Lordship Salvation - we must make Christ the total Lord of our entire lives or we'll never know salvation. Lordship Salvation makes sense, but I don't know if it is completely right.

What are your guys' thoughts regarding how we accept the free gift of salvation, and where things such as discipleship, repentance, and life-change fall into play? This is really interesting me and I'd like to hear a lot from you guys as I pray the King will guide me to the right belief.

Sometimes I just get tired of all the new spiritual ideas floating around. So many people seem to have their own ideas about salvation, repentance, sacrifice, heaven and hell, and a whole host of other topical issues, and sometimes these ideas have no bearing on reality while they are paraded around as being the truth of Christianity. I have seen people who say it is O.K. to not repent and you'll be saved (Jesus says we have to repent if we are to be saved); people who say there is no Hell (Jesus says lots of people are going to Hell), people who say that Christ's sacrifice means everyone goes to Heaven, Christian or not (Jesus says only a few will be saved). People who say that it is O.K. to sin and we shouldn't strive for perfection because it is unreachable (this is just crazy). People who say that living lives of immoral sex, drunkenness, cheating and homosexuality are all acceptable (our lives aren't to be dominated by sin but to be dominated by Christ and pursuing righteousness).

These are just a few examples of how "New-Age" Christianity has become in our recent times. We have all but lost the eternal truths of love, sacrifice, repentance, striving for righteousness, obedience to Christ. Sometimes it gets to me. We don't need anymore new ideas, we don't need any new hip analogies. What we need to do is return to what the Gospels actually say. We need to return to what Christ actually says. I often get caught up in the craze for new ideas, but God quietly tells me to return to the old and ancient truths, because those have survived because they are true.

I sit here in the quiet of my room listening to the fireworks exploding outside; they sound like artillery. A few nights ago, my family sat out on the deck and I announced, "It feels like we're out in the British countryside during the Battle of Britain and we're sending out flak against the German bombers." That's not really what I want to talk about, though. Right now a jumble of emotions are swirling through me. First I feel tired. It's the medicine. I constantly feel drowsy; it is a happy drowsy, a blissful drowsy, and I don't mind it.

Second, I feel somewhat frustrated. My friends keep coming over, wanting to hang out, and while it's fun, they're expecting me to be my usual wild and laughing and gung-ho and, "Let's wrestle," mood. They feel like I am shirking them because all I want to do is sit around, lay in bed, listen to music or watch television. It isn't long before they're upset and telling me how much I am bugging them, and when I tell them, "I'm sorry, man, it's the medicine..." they tell me that it's a lousy excuse and I'm just a boring person. It is frustrating, so I roll my eyes, wondering how they can expect someone doped on macro-pain-relievers to be their usual energetic self. Then tomorrow they're going to call and want to hang out, and I'll tell them, "I'm tired, but you can come over," and they're going to be upset again. Oh well. They were forewarned. I can't really do anything about it.

Third, I feel somewhat inspired. Tired, frustrated, inspired. I don't know if inspired is really the right word. I choose it because I don't have any idea what the right word is; I don't know if there is a word for it. I don't think it has anything to do with my medicine, either, because it's a feeling I've known many times before. It is the feeling inside me that craves to consume every inch of spirituality, to laugh and sing and study and write and explore spirituality with boldness and intrique. It is God calling my name, calling me to romance, calling me to explore Him and discover Him and uncover Him. This inspiration is more like a calling, more like my name being whispered as it is emblazoned in gold. We all hear and feel the inspiration; we feel it sometimes when we see lightning, or when we smell a flower, or we can sense it in the rhythms of a beautiful song. He speaks to us from everywhere, and the message is always the same: "It's really better on this side of the fence."

The surgery went well and I've spent my last few days lying around and stuffing pills down my throat. The pain of the surgery has all but diminished, but only due to the painkillers, which make me drowsier than I've ever felt and make me sleep and sleep and nothing else. I guess it's not too bad; sleep isn't really evil. The pills also make me euphoric; no stress, no worries, just bliss. And sleep. It's almost like vacation. I just don't have the effort to really do anything, so if you want to hang out, sorry, no exciting times. I just don't have the energy for it.