I actually wrote yesterday's post sometime last week. Yesterday itself was quite enjoyable. I got to spend lots of quality time with many friends whom I haven't hung out with in a while: Monica, Jessica, A.J., Candace, and Rochelle to name a few. We played volleyball, a few card games, hung out in the coffee shop, then went to Applebee's for dinner.
Trista and I hung out, too. She said something really interesting: "There is a time of mourning we go through when things happen that we don't like, but there comes a time when we just need to accept the past and embrace the future. Sometimes we become so accustomed to mourning that it becomes a lifestyle. We mourn to mourn." Does that make sense? It makes sense to me, and in all honesty, it's rather humbling. Am I mourning just to mourn? Sure, I have issues on my plate that I need to deal with. But is what happened with Sonja, Julie, and Jessica something that should consume me? Or am I letting it consume me for ulterior reasons, such as the attention and love it gets me from other people? These are blunt questions I must ask myself, and I must give blunt answers.
I've done a lot of thinking lately, and it really is time for me to pick up my bags and walk out of those relationships. Sonja, Julie, and Jessica have walked out... I'm still standing at the door, knocking, waiting for a reply, even though I know no replies are coming. I can sit out on the stoop, hang my head low, and wait for a miracle... Or I can embrace reality and believe that things will get better... But before they do, I have to get off that stoop. I have to abandon the stoop of self-pity, walking into a mysterious world where I don't know what's around each corner. It's a scary thought; part of me wants to remain behind in these broken relationships, holding onto everything I can. But at the same time, I hear the tender whispers of God: "I have better for you. But you won't experience the better things I have for you if you sit here in this rut. You need to get out." He's offering me a hand, offering to help me out. I'm not alone.
Trista and I hung out, too. She said something really interesting: "There is a time of mourning we go through when things happen that we don't like, but there comes a time when we just need to accept the past and embrace the future. Sometimes we become so accustomed to mourning that it becomes a lifestyle. We mourn to mourn." Does that make sense? It makes sense to me, and in all honesty, it's rather humbling. Am I mourning just to mourn? Sure, I have issues on my plate that I need to deal with. But is what happened with Sonja, Julie, and Jessica something that should consume me? Or am I letting it consume me for ulterior reasons, such as the attention and love it gets me from other people? These are blunt questions I must ask myself, and I must give blunt answers.
I've done a lot of thinking lately, and it really is time for me to pick up my bags and walk out of those relationships. Sonja, Julie, and Jessica have walked out... I'm still standing at the door, knocking, waiting for a reply, even though I know no replies are coming. I can sit out on the stoop, hang my head low, and wait for a miracle... Or I can embrace reality and believe that things will get better... But before they do, I have to get off that stoop. I have to abandon the stoop of self-pity, walking into a mysterious world where I don't know what's around each corner. It's a scary thought; part of me wants to remain behind in these broken relationships, holding onto everything I can. But at the same time, I hear the tender whispers of God: "I have better for you. But you won't experience the better things I have for you if you sit here in this rut. You need to get out." He's offering me a hand, offering to help me out. I'm not alone.
2 comments:
I LOVE what Trista said! There is so much truth in there. You know, I see 50 and 60 year old women in my life who are wallowing in their grief from 15-30+ years ago, and it is ugly. Yah don't want to be there. Honestly I want to run when I see them coming, because they just ooze this ickiness.
I also had this thought .... you need to be okay with still caring for Julie, Sonja, and Jessica. It is okay, and I think normal (at least from my experience!) to still have loving feelings for past relationships. I likely always will care for my first boyfriend in part of my heart. I used to think that meant that he was the one that got away, and that feeling shouldn't be there, but I've come to realize that each relationship becomes part of me, and it doesn't all just disappear. I needed to accept that a corner of my heart will always feel something ... this however doesn't mean we have a future, or that I need to act on it, OR that I can't also love someone else. I don't know if that makes sense ... The loving "feeling" isn't ultimate love anyway, and it can have a corner, as long as the real love, the actions and the committment can be completely given to the forever love.
Trista sounds like a great friend. Take her advice. May God ease your way on getting off the stoop and embracing a new walk! I love you!Mom
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