While I don’t want to go into detail, something happened today that made me realize that there is hope for me. Swimming the great ocean of manic-depression is a constant battle; it often feels as if I’m leaping hurdles around a track without time to stop for breath, take a quick break for my legs, or even get a sip of water. At times it is tempting to give up and drown under the waves, embracing resignation, but when those moments seem to be on the threshold, something happens—an event, a memory, a thought, a comforting word. Are these designed by God, whispers of His heart into mine, propelling me on the race of endurance? Is it God encouraging, “Don’t give up, Anthony. I have so much in store for you. But you have to be patient and wait.”? I don’t have any answers. All I know is that in my darkest hours, there are moments when fuel sparks my engine, and my arms carry me through the tossing, turning waves with a renewed energy. Something of this sort took place today, and a refined energy runs through me. There is a shore in the distance, and though I cannot see it, I continue to swim, trusting God in His promise that a golden shore ripe with coconuts and palm trees and whispering white sands await me.

I have been doing a lot of thinking and praying lately, and I believe much of the pain that I feel regarding those past relationships—especially the one with Julie—stems not from me still liking Julie (for if she came crawling back to me, I would not take her back), but from a root of bitterness within me. During the months of initial suffering, I erected a wall of bitterness towards some people involved in the ordeal, and now this bitterness is consuming me. It paralyzes me, suffocates me, strangles me. It is literally killing me inside-out. A bitterness has been draped over my life like a veil, turning everything dark and gloomy. “How do I rid of this bitterness? How do I come to true forgiveness and escape? How do I truly leave this behind me?” I cannot move on until the bitterness is gone. I want to forgive very badly, but I struggle with this concept so much.

I just thought of something: through all of this, God has really been teaching me a lot about myself. Hmmm… Each day it seems like He shows me something else about me or something else in my life that needs to change. A friend told me, “Maybe Satan is throwing all of this at you because you’re on the verge of something great, and he doesn’t want you to experience it.” Well, God has a tendency to take Satan’s attacks and turn them out for good (Satan may be clever, but God is even more clever). So while Satan is attacking me, God is working on me. It’s quite counterproductive for the enemy.

While I was working, Caleb came in and could tell that something was wrong. He can tell when the manic-depressive states hit; something in my face and eyes change. Monica notices it, too; she said, "The other day, at the table, you were smiling... but the rest of your body language wasn't." He asked me what was wrong, and I told him, "I feel so ashamed of myself. I feel rotten and dirty and worthless." Caleb asked why I felt this way. I told him, "I look at my life, and I see all the changes I need to make. I'm bitter towards people, I'm selfish and greedy, I'm a dick sometimes. I want to be a man of integrity. A godly man. But it's like it's so... intangible." On top of all this, the fact that I'm taking medicine for manic-depression sometimes makes me feel "lower" than other people, like I'm subhuman or something, and that sucks.