Sorrow made its way into my heart yesterday evening. As I drove, I kept thinking about Courtney. I really like that girl, and it hurts that I am not with her. As wise and mature a decision we have made, that doesn't mean it's one that I'm enjoying. I told Monica about our "break" and the reasons for it, and she said, "Wow, that's really mature of you!" I said, "It wasn't my idea." She said, "I didn't think so." Hah. But I know that I need to grow a spine, grow some hair on my balls, and become a man. I need to take charge of the different areas of my life and stop just floating around, waiting for the next burst of pleasant wind and wandering aimlessly as if I have no cares in the world. It's a hard-edged world out there, and I need to be prepared--or I'll drown under its waves.
I couldn't sleep very well last night. Brokenness consumed me. It hit me like a sledgehammer the moment I lied down around 12:45 a.m., and I could not fall asleep until 3:30. I tossed and turned for a while, my mind racing with thoughts and my heart weighted down. An unseen darkness draped over me. I went out onto the deck, under the stars, and sitting down, I thought about life. Some have labeled me a mystic; perhaps that is why I must give so much thought to the questions no one has answers to? Last night I contemplated every avenue and detail and back-road of my existence. My successes and my failures. My strengths and my weaknesses. My gifts and my faults. Areas where improvement would be wise, areas that need to change without question or hesitancy. I wrestled with God for quite some time. I poured out all my thoughts and cares onto Him, a waterfall, and He comforted and consoled me. He wrapped me up in His arms and held me close. For some reason, my mind often pictures God as cold, sterile, condescending. This is an absolute lie, though it is--in all honesty--something I struggle with. It is good when that depiction of God shatters as His peace, love, and joy washes over me. "You're My child," He says, "and I love you so very much. I want the best for you. I want you to be happy. My goodness and favor are extended towards you." And He kissed me as I fell asleep.
I couldn't sleep very well last night. Brokenness consumed me. It hit me like a sledgehammer the moment I lied down around 12:45 a.m., and I could not fall asleep until 3:30. I tossed and turned for a while, my mind racing with thoughts and my heart weighted down. An unseen darkness draped over me. I went out onto the deck, under the stars, and sitting down, I thought about life. Some have labeled me a mystic; perhaps that is why I must give so much thought to the questions no one has answers to? Last night I contemplated every avenue and detail and back-road of my existence. My successes and my failures. My strengths and my weaknesses. My gifts and my faults. Areas where improvement would be wise, areas that need to change without question or hesitancy. I wrestled with God for quite some time. I poured out all my thoughts and cares onto Him, a waterfall, and He comforted and consoled me. He wrapped me up in His arms and held me close. For some reason, my mind often pictures God as cold, sterile, condescending. This is an absolute lie, though it is--in all honesty--something I struggle with. It is good when that depiction of God shatters as His peace, love, and joy washes over me. "You're My child," He says, "and I love you so very much. I want the best for you. I want you to be happy. My goodness and favor are extended towards you." And He kissed me as I fell asleep.
1 comment:
wow, that brought tears to my eyes, the last line is SO powerful ...
Post a Comment