24 hours

I’ve been in Cincinnati since Monday afternoon and am leaving tomorrow evening. The stay has been enjoyable, full of promise and anticipation, and the countdown for me making “The Big Decision” has cropped itself down to about twenty-four hours. The Big Decision being, of course, whether or not I’m going to take a new job and move down here. The very idea is exhilarating, and I’m excited about what life would be like down here. Living down here would entail laughter, awkward and hilarious situations, ridiculous and kiddish adventures, shameless and unbarred immaturity; what’s not to like about that? Being around—and even living with—people I love. Living in community… That’s an oh-so-beautiful thought. I’ve experienced it before, I’m experiencing it now, I want it to go on. A fresh life waits to be discovered, a new chapter yet unwritten unfolding in my life. In truth, being here hasn’t felt like being away from home. I told Mandy when we were downtown, “I lived here for five years, moved away for a year, and have come back. Of course this feels like home.” The most formative moments in my psychological and social development, those things which have carved deep recesses in my all-too-foggy memory, all of these have happened here. This is, in some sense, where I became who I am. Cincinnati feels like home because, at least in one sense, it is my home. I have as much love and endearment towards her as I do where I grew up before college. All this to say, again, that the idea of living here is something my heart truly reaches for. Being here has filled my heart with warmth and hope, a permeating sense of well-being. I feel like a puzzle being set into place.

And for all that, there remains the fear. While Cincinnati burns in my heart, there’s no absence of love for where I’m at now. Living with my parents at age 24? Yeah, that’s not the highlight. But my amazing parents, the friends I’ve made, the great workplace I enjoy, the quiet evenings on the front porch and Sky falling asleep beside me at night. These are things I’ll miss. These are things I already miss. There’s the fear of homesickness, and coupled with that the fear of not making friends at work; or, rather, not experiencing the same kind of environment at Starbucks where we all became good friends and even some of us became great friends who hung out all the time. I know that I’m a likeable person, and I know I have an inviting personality, and I know that I’ve made friends or at least had people want to be my friend wherever I’ve been. Such fears are groundless, but that doesn’t make them any less existent. Top this off with the reality that if I do move down to Cincinnati, if I do take this job, I’ll most likely be missing the last family vacation: Mom, Dad, and Amanda going off to Hilton Head without me. I really want to go; really, the house down here will be deserted that week anyways, so there’s literally no value found in missing vacation (at least on the selfish end). But if I decide to take this job, I’ll be stirring up a possible hornet’s nest when it comes to my family’s emotions, drama sprouting at my ankles and crawling up my body like kudzu. All the fears, the risk of possibly intense drama, and then just knowing that it’s all unknown, that I can never really know the best decision until the decision pans out—either as horribly awful or wonderfully well.

I’ve always tried to be as logical as possible. I’ve sought to make logical decisions amidst whatever situations I happen to be going through. But sometimes logic doesn’t offer you the answer because there is no logical answer. Wisdom’s usually there to provide some sort of framework (and honestly my logic is more based on wisdom—or cynicism?—than anything else), but this decision staring me down is unanswerable. Which path to choose? Which route to take? Logic offers no solution. And so what am I left with? My gut feeling. And I think I know what my gut feeling is telling me. Life’s too short. Be willing to make mistakes. Have fun. Don’t try to rationalize and understand everything. Pursue your dreams. That’s what I’m feeling, and maybe that’s just what I need to do.