the dayton days [70]

Carly & Jessica at the Campout

Memorial Day. Dylan left for Africa this morning. Tyler's understandably super depressed. It's both weird and sad. Mom, Dad and I went to a bar for dinner; I just had a salad topped with  skewered shrimp. 

Tuesday. Hell of a busy day. I worked 5-12:00, opening the store with Jessica. We both got off at noon and smoked a cigarette before parting ways. I went down to Cincinnati for an interview at Tazza Mia (yet again; this time I was interviewed by Cat and John, the Food Prep guy, didn't see Bob). I visited Rob at Carew Tower after the interview, then stripped down in Blake's room (only 'cause it was so damned hot) and hung out with him and Amos for a while. At 3:30 I jetted up 71 for the campout at Jess' house. She invited me over early, gave me a tour of her house, showed off her half-finished studio. The others rolled in: Kyle, Faith, Asenath, Abby, Betsy, Leah, Jordan, Brett & Danny. We made a fire and fixed hot dogs and climbed trees (we do that a lot). Cars hurt her arm. Jess & I jumped in the pond; or, rather, she pushed me in and I took her down with me. Kyle asked me, "What's up with you and Jess?" He's seen the chemistry, the under-the-radar flirting. I brushed it aside, said nothing's there and made a joke about it for good measure. Most people filtered out by sundown, but those of us that were left broke out flasks and smoked hookah (but the flasks came out only after Faith went to bed with her husband and Parker). Jess, Abby, Betsy, Asenath and I shared the trailer. 

Wednesday. I woke around 7:00 and people rolled out, cleaned up, and drank some coffee before heading out. After everyone else left, Jess and I went back to her place. She was tired, angry, frustrated, felt like the whole campout was a failure because of the always-present drama leeching itself out. Her expectations were too high; me, I just hoped to have a relaxing night and I did. She swore to abandon Starbucks as soon as possible (just like me!). She passed out on the sofa and I talked with her mom for a while before heading home. 

Thursday. I worked 6-10:00, then did two back-to-back coffee seminars with other baristas until noon. Carly and I met up when she got off work, grabbed Namaste for dinner and sat out on the patio. I broke the news: I didn't get the Tazza Mia position. "Rob has no idea why. He says the new guy they hired is an incompetent idiot." She was relieved to hear I wouldn't be leaving too soon. And by relieved I mean overjoyed. She asked how things were going with Jess; "You two were so cute together at the campout!" This morning Joanne made a comment about me writing Jess a love letter; I shut that down right on the spot. I ran by Waldrue Park and smoked there for a bit, and come nightfall I sat out on the back porch and smoked and listened to Florence & The Machine. How strange is it that love acts as a poison, spawning irrational fervor and fostering childish illusion of the world? 

Friday. At noon I met up with Jessica & Carly, and we went paintballing with Jordan, his girlfriend, Forrest, Asenath, and Abby for Betsy's birthday party. I did decent. Carly shot me in the head. Jess & I moved together as a team. Abby drank all my water. I got cut up awful bad, have three welts, worn-out legs, and awful sunburn, and paint residue in my eye. We grabbed beer and burgers at a cookout at Betsy's place before everyone went their separate ways. I spent the evening thinking about Jess. My God. This girl. She's something else. It's agonizing and terrifying at the same time. Agonizing, because I want to be with her but she's not in the same place; and terrifying because I know what could happen: another "Sarah" situation. I mean, wow, I would do ANYTHING to be with her. To kiss, to cuddle, to laugh, to go on adventures, to fall in love. What a beautiful idea, but destined to be simply that: an idea. I have the gut feeling that nothing will happen, and I'm stuck in the dark, having to guess her feelings as her hot-then-cold whims overwhelm me. It just sucks to ALWAYS be in this place: liking a girl, a great girl, and wanting to be with her but not being able to be. Familiar territory. Nauseatingly comfortable, in a way. I've been trying so hard to keep the thought of "us" from my mind, but I can't help but be attracted to her on so many levels. Each day she gets hotter and hotter, and when she hears a tank top, my God, I can hardly breathe.

Saturday. I worked 7:30-4:00, legs groaning from yesterday's combat. Ams was in town for a bit but headed home, and Mom & Dad went to Anna for a graduation party. Carly suspects Jess' flirting is more geared towards making her feel good than anything else. She's enjoying the attention, the desire in my eyes, she likes teasing me, likes seeing what it puts me through. A boost for her self-esteem. I don't know if that's true. I want to believe it's because she's growing to like me more and more. But by this point, that proposition doesn't have much support.

Sunday. I wasn't able to sleep, so I went into work an hour early and sat on the patio and journaled. Carly and I had a long talk late last night, and she told me that Jess has been hanging out with the Navy Guy who's been in town. All the evidence points to me being toyed with. Hence the inability to sleep. "This wasn't what anyone wanted," Carly said, "but it's what's happened." Jess wants a fling right now, not something with potential: so I've been kicked to the wayside. This happens all the FUCKING time. Part of me wants to play the game here way: start acting like all I want is something casual so that she'll be drawn to me like she's drawn to those military types. But that's just foolishness. The dilemma I ace is that of "The Good Guy": not a wimpy guy, but a good guy. The one who actually treats women right and fulfills his role adequately. "Girls can be bitches, and when a good guy comes around, they'll often sap it for all its worth." It's true: I've been cheated on, betrayed, back-stabbed and abandoned. I've had girls free-loading off me time and time again, taking advantage of my good heart and manipulating me in the process. Granted, I've kicked girls to the curb many times when they've started that shit. I was depressed all day at work, but the night got better: Cincinnati! Mandy, Ams and I hung out upstairs at the Claypole House, and then we joined Josh A. and Rob for Chipotle. Mandy pretended to jump out of the car and almost killed herself. Rob was LIVID. We lit the hookah in the living room, smoked on the back deck, and Rob made me coffee for the ride home. I talked to Mandy & Ams about Jessica. "Run for the hills," Ams said. Mandy agreed: "Get away from that shit." I don't really have much of a choice.