new direction

Things with "the girl" have continued to be convoluted, to put it best. At this point I'm realizing that we seem to be in very different places in life, and despite our attraction to one another, this would make a relationship more difficult than it should be. This wasn't the reality I wanted, but it's reality nonetheless. The best thing to do is to embrace reality for what it is rather than embracing some pseudo-reality founded upon fantasies, illusions, and delusions spawned by a rigorous imagination and one beating-way-too-easily heart. This is the reality: she and I are in different stations in life; we're looking for different things when it comes to relationships; and despite our attraction to one another, despite all the potential both of us see, perhaps a relationship isn't the best course-of-action? She knows we're perfect for one another (her words, verbatim) and that there'd be a future with us. We'd be a "thing," rather than a fling (something casual, freed of the chains of commitment, easy and care-free). As an aside: while the idea of a "fling" seems appealing, it doesn't jive with reality; flings can easily pave the yellow brick road leading to a wasted and ruined life filled with much pain, scarring, and dehumanization. Side-bar finished, let me continue: part of her wants something real, tangible, and meaningful; but the other part of her, for whatever reason (most likely a multitude of varying and of-fshooting reasons) doesn't want that. 

I'm in the place where I want something real, and I see all the potential between us, and thus it's difficult to bring myself to recognizing the reality. I want to submerse myself in fantasies and illusions, in speculation and conjecture, fueling the fire of my hopes and thus raising my anticipatory joy (so, in a sense, hope is like an anti-depressant). But I have to both (a) respect where she's at and (b) act accordingly with reality. This isn't fun, to be sure; it's actually quite difficult. It's akin to finding a pearl of great price in a field, but the field's owner refuses to sell it; you've no choice but to turn your back on it (unless you want to go the illegal route, but that's neither here nor there in this analogy). Oddly enough I've been at peace with all this, but I don't expect it to last: I like this girl a lot, and the temptation to succumb to fantasy will be overwhelming, but I should stay-the-course, continue gripping Reality, and somehow finding within myself the strength to move forward without growing anymore cynical.