Halloween Down the Ages

2013. I woke stunned with sadness. I chug NyQuil to pass out and not think about her, only to dream about her. The dreams sap all my energy. I woke dreading the day: a long shift with Ben & Jason requiring lots of energy on my part; but I feel like I barely have enough energy to function myself. I wanted to try out U.C.C.'s Thursday night group, but by 8 PM I was just emotionally exhausted. I didn't have the energy to put on a friendly face and meet a bunch of people I don't know. So I drank NyQuil, spent a solid hour in prayer, and passed out. Yay Halloween. 

2012. I worked 11-7:00 after my morning visit to The Anchor. I picked up Chipotle at the Anchor. Andy moved all his stuff out of Claypole. Now Blake and I are the Last Bastions. We must have a party before we go. Ams came over after work and we spent Halloween Night watching movies in the living room.

2011. Mandy K. and I talked for about an hour today, and it felt like ten minutes. It was so good to talk to her, just to hear her voice. We "caught up," and she said, "I may not know what I feel, but I do know that I'm feeling that I'm missing you." I worked 6:30-3:30, and Brandy & Jake came over in the evening. I took one of my lonesome drives out to Eden Park. A drive I've made too many times. I don't know why, but driving through the park at night with the city sleeping in the valley below makes me feel better. It's a ritual, something I can control. And I've been dreaming about losing teeth again, and I always have these dreams when I feel trapped and powerless to break free. Trapped in what? Hell, my own head half the time. But, no, I think I'm trapped in this unending cycle of daring to let hope breathe only to be reminded, Over and Over, that there's a reason I've been suffocating it all along. I've buried hope in a shallow grave only to resurrect it at the first taste of something good. Maybe I just need to dig the grave deeper this time around, or muster enough calloused self-control to not pick up the spade when I see hope stirring. Never-mind all this: the Wisconsinite opened the grave, but now it's time to fill it in again. Funny how it takes two to unbury it, but in the end there's only one person left to clean up the mess that's been made. 

2010. I spent the night at Ams' place after last night's party. I spent my morning at Mount Echo, looking out at the city and praying for a bit. My prayers in that place used to be so heart-wrenching. Sarah, Ams and I went to Anchor Grill, and it was hipster central. Then Sarah and I went to Refuge. Andy W. was working, and he hooked me up. We parted ways, and I went to Rob & Mandy's apartment, and we had spaghetti for dinner before House Church. Rob taught on the kingship of Jesus. Gambill came over later. Mandy begged me to smoke pot, but I didn't feel like it.

2009. Dylan and I went to Frisch's for breakfast before he headed home. I showered and went to Tri-Health to visit Sarah while working on my resume, applying for jobs, and applying for Seminary. When Sarah got off work, we went to Wal-Greens. Back home Sarah and I hung out in her room and got dressed for the Halloween Party: I went as a zombie, and she went as a cat. Sarah and I headed over to Hartman's come night-fall and had a wonderful time: we played Ninja, a drinking game (King's?), and took lots of pictures. Sarah took shots of gin, climbed on top of the fridge, and then puked everywhere. She broke out her Djarum cloves before our drive home. She went downstairs and passed out drunk, and I watched some TV and went to bed.

2008. Ams came down to Cincinnati to spend the day with me. We went to the Halloween party in the Worship Ministry buildings. Kyle, Jessie, and Sarah joined us. Deshay went to King's Island. Jessie, Sarah, Ams and I went to Highlands Cafe for a few hours. Jessie got coffee, Ams got a latte, and I had spiced rum cider. Delicious! 

2007. I worked 4-7:30 at the Hilltop Coffee Shop. We had a Halloween party, and you got fifty cents off your drink if you were in costume, and twenty-five cents off if you impersonated a professor. The lights were dimmed, Halloween music was played, and I got to wear a mask. The Adult classes were going on, and several people complained about us playing Devil's Music. After work I did my online Gospel of Luke exam, went back to the Hilltop for dinner, and spent the rest of my night reading.

2006. After Basic Bible Doctrines I had breakfast with Megan & Tim and then went to chapel with Julie. After chapel I hung out with Monica, Monk, Abby, and Coop in the coffee shop and then worked 6-9:00 covering for Trista so she could go to a Halloween party. I spent the evening hanging out with Jessica, and we walked around campus bundled up in our autumn garments.

#keehnerpark, et. al.

@keehnerpark

Ashley, the girls, and I spent most of yesterday at the park: no rains, a high of eighty degrees, and good visibility made the perfect day for a nature excursion. Ashley and Zoey stuck together, and I took Chloe on an extended exploration: we combed the creek for crayfish and snakes, and we came to a watering hole filled with fish. She's very intelligent and curious, and she was constantly asking me questions about nature. I pushed her to challenge herself, and she was scared to climb a steep hill, but I showed her how to gauge the terrain, use distended roots and jutting rocks for handholds, and the importance of always having one foot connected to something as you climb. She was pretty timid at first, but then she wanted to find more "cliffs" to scale. 

Keehner Park is a hotspot for teen sex.

We heard a couple in the woods, and I had an idea:

sneak up on them like a Shawnee warrior,

and then dash from the undergrowth with the Indian halloo!

I decided against it. Ashley supported the idea, but there was one problem:

I'd left my warpaints at home.

"We'll come back in the spring, and I'll be ready."

I've been getting close to the girls, and it's brought me both Joy and Fear. Joy, because I genuinely like them and love spending time with them; and Fear, because there's no guarantee that this will end with me in the girls' lives for the "long haul." It's tricky business, dating someone with kids. It really is. Especially when the kids like you. "I've never seen them get this close to anyone I've dated," Ashley told me. "Chloe is always asking when you'll be back around, and Zoey treats you with the same warmth she treats her Grandpa. She's never been that way with anyone." It's heartwarming and terrifying, all at the same time.

"It really doesn't bother you?" she asked. "Me having kids?"

Absolutely not. I've always liked kids, and I've always been family-oriented.

I like helping Chloe with her homework, and helping her practice for exams.

I like being goofy with Zoey, picking her up and swinging her around.

I like leading us in prayer before meals.

I like giving them hugs before they go to bed.

I like all of that. It doesn't turn me away.

Can Zoey's temper tantrums be a little overbearing at times?

They sure can (but I've gotten good at tuning stuff out; I work with Ben, after all).

Speaking of Ben, here's some candids we took the other night:

If I land the preaching position with Mayhill, I'm planning on dropping my remote shifts but continuing to work at Ridgecrest. I love these guys, and as trying as they can be at times, I know I'll miss them when the time comes for us to part ways. 

I had an interview with my home church this past Sunday. I think it went fairly well; I'll hear back from them if they're interested in moving me farther along in the candidates' process. I fear I may have shot myself in the foot, though; in an interview, you should NEVER use the word "excommunicate" in reference to how to deal with troublesome teens. That's the first thing they teach you! In my defense, contextually the word makes sense. But I fear it may have jeopardized my chances.

the 49th week

candids at Zola's Pub!

10.20.14. Ashley came over last night, and we were up until 4 AM talking in the glow of oil lanterns and taper candles. I was honest with her about some of my fears and apprehensions regarding "us", and I told her that I do know for certain that I like her, I love spending time with her and the girls, and I want to continue getting to know her. I told her we might as well be Official, and she agreed. In the morning I went to The Anchor for coffee and scripture before heading up to West Chester to see her. We took Chloe to a doctor's appointment (she has Foot & Mouth; it's running rampant in the schools), and after a trip to Kroger where Zoey squealed as I pushed her fast in the cart with Chloe begging me to put her on my shoulders ("Now I have three kids," Ashley moaned), we fixed lunch back at the house and ate outside. The girls begged me to sit with them at their little plastic kid's table, and my legs burned by the time I was done with my sandwich and Mac & Cheese. The girls took a nap, and Ashley and I lie out on the hammock under the spindly branches of the wind-hewn trees, and Chloe woke and hurried outside to join us. Zoey came out, and I pushed them on the hammock. "Faster, faster, Anthony!" I bid them farewell and went to see Ams: I cooked some stuffed clams, we watched The Nightmare Before Christmas, and we sat out on her balcony watching the sunset and talking. I headed out and swung by Ashley's to give her a couple kisses and to watch some Drunk History episodes before heading home.

Tuesday. I did my morning Bible study at The Anchor and spent the morning and early afternoon hanging out with Ashley and the girls. Ashley made coffee and I fixed a bagel sandwich, and we hung out with her brother outside. His name's Nathan, and he's really cool. "He likes you a lot!" Ashley exclaimed. I helped her get the girls in the car ("Zoey let you put her in her car-seat?! That's incredible."), and before I left, Chloe asked, "Are you coming over tomorrow?" I told her I planned on it. "Are you coming over every day?" I told her we would see. She said, "I hope you do!" and grinned wide. I worked 2-10:15 and went by Winton Ridge to see Blake & Amos, John & Brandy, and Hot Sauce Waugh before rendezvousing with Ashley at The Anchor for coffee. We told stories and laughed so hard we cried. We rounded out the evening watching The Walking Dead in the Hobbit Hole. She fell asleep curled up against me, missing out on the cannibalism. 

Wednesday. I went to The Anchor for coffee and scripture before spending the afternoon with Ashley and the girls. The girls and I played house with Chloe's kitchen set, and when the girls took their naps, Ashley and I made lunch and watched a couple episodes of Arrested Development. Ashley told me, "I'm honestly shocked at how much the girls like you. They are very intuition-driven, and they can sense you're a good guy. I think that's why they're so comfortable with you. And I know you were worried about them liking you, since you don't have much experience with kids, but trust me: you're a natural." I worked 3-7:00 taking Jason to ballroom dancing; it was a costume party, and all the downers dressed up as prison inmates, nurses, ghosts, angels, aliens, and Elsa from Frozen (of course). I picked up Subway on my way home and ate it while watching Batman: The Dark Knight Rises. I took a hot, relaxing bath in the glow of oil lamps and candles before going to bed early (around 11 PM).

Thursday. I worked 8:30-4:00, taking the guys to the Farm and making our usual rounds to the library and U.D.F. I spent some time at The Anchor drinking coffee and reading scripture before heading up to West Chester to hang out with Ashley and the girls. "Zoey really likes you," Chloe said; "She isn't like that with anyone except Papaw." These girls know how to melt my heart. We hung out with her brother for a while. He plays LaCrosse, and I went on and on about how LaCrosse was invented by the Iroquoia (the Six Nations) and how it spread to most native American tribes, and I made a point to show how during Pontiac's Rebellion, native Americans would stage LaCrosse tournaments outside the gates of forts, "accidentally" toss the ball into the fort, and then right when they rushed into the fort to retrieve the ball, the "game" would be over and they'd slaughter the non-French occupants. "You guys are filled with so much useless knowledge," she said. We ordered gyros for dinner and chowed down at her house while watching episodes of Arrested Development. 

Friday. I went to Anchor Grill for coffee and scripture, and after watching Django Unchained, I headed up to Centerville for a home-cooked meal with Mom, Dad, Ams, and Grandma. Skyler lost her marbles when I walked through the door, leaping up onto me and almost toppling to the ground in excitement. Dinner was great: crock-pot chicken, rice, homemade mashed potatoes, green beans, macaroni & cheese, and dinner rolls. I left there and headed to see Tyler & Julia. Tyler and I went to a Craft Beer Shoppe that just opened down the road; he purchased a variety of pumpkin ales, and I tried a pear cider. I've been on a cider kick this autumn (I blame the season), and the pear cider was a good break from the generic apple ciders everyone's raging about. On my drive home a car pulled in front of me, and I had to swerve up into the grass outside an apartment complex and almost hit a tree. It was exhilarating, and the adrenaline and shock made me lose my sense of direction.

Saturday. I went to The Anchor for coffee and scripture, and who was there? None other than Hot Sauce Waugh! I knew I'd run into him there one of these days. Ashley came down to the Hobbit Hole for a couple hours, and we went to Zola's Pub on Main Street and devoured burgers and drinks. It was in the upper sixties today, so we walked around Mainstrausse for a while, scoping out the sights. We ran into John G. from C.C.U., and he recognized her from her time there. I bid her farewell and took a short nap before heading up to Blue Ash for an evening with the guys. Ams joined us for our walk to and from U.D.F. I treated myself to a pumpkin pie milkshake. Can I say phenomenal? Yes, I think I can. Ben's been on this kick of stealing my cell phone and calling Ashley. She enjoys talking to him, so I think that's why he does it. I spent the night in Blue Ash, reading scripture and talking with Ashley before bed. "I think it's so wonderful that you actually pray and read the Bible. That's so rare these days, it really is. I can't tell you how many guys say they are Christian but show absolutely no desire or discipline to actually live as if they believed what they say they believe." I must say I'm pretty happy to be with someone who shares that with me.

Sunday. I left Blue Ash and went to the Anchor for coffee and scripture before meeting up with Ashley and the girls in West Chester. We went to church at Mason Church of Christ. Chloe loved her 2nd grade class, and Zoey refused to go to hers, so she came in with us. She kept throwing fits so Ashley had to excuse herself from the sanctuary through half the sermon. "She is definitely going to class next time," she said. The sermon was really good, on biblical principles for financial "success" (in the biblical sense of the term). Next week's sermon sounds like it'll be interesting; since I'll be preaching, I'll miss it, but I can find it online. After church we went to the Chinese buffet for lunch (a rare treat for the girls), and then we went to Loveland to go to a Fall Carnival. The girls had an absolute blast: pumpkin paintball, egg-tossing, a petting zoo, a children's maze and a hayride were all highlights. We got back to Ashley's around 6:30, and I bid them farewell and headed to Mason to hang out with Blake, Traci, and Ams; we watched the third episode of Walking Dead: Season 5. Here are some pics of the girls at the farm that Ashley took and sent me:

[sunday meditations]

Financial Success

(in the biblical sense)

The love of money is evil; money itself is not evil. With money comes the opportunity to do both good and evil. Money isn't the answer to our problems; as Socrates put it, "He who is not content with what he has will not be content with what he does not have." Talking about money in church is always awkward, but the fact is that we live in a culture ripe with wealth and luxury. We're used to it, so we don't see just how stinkin' fortunate we are. 

Give God what belongs to God.

Save what's left to prepare for the future.

Give faithfully where God leads you to give.

Before you can trust God with your money,

you need to trust God with your LIFE.

Today's sermon looked at six principles for biblical financial success found in Proverbs. I love this quote: "These guidelines are so simple and so practical, but until we stop being a culture of debt, the church needs to keep pushing this financial wisdom."

Be diligent in everything, and have a good work ethic.

Slackers crave but have their fill of nothing,

but the hardworking desire and are completely satisfied.

(Proverbs 13.4)

As for those who are skilled in their work,

they will be recognized and invited to serve kings

rather than regular folk.

(Prov 24.30)

Be careful of debt!

Trouble compounds when you guarantee a stranger's debt,

but you'll be safe if you refuse the pledge.

(Prov 11.15)

Only a fool shakes hands on a deal

and guarantees repayment of someone else's loan.

(Prov 17.18)

Be generous, and give to the poor.

One shares liberally and yet gains even more,

while another hoards more than is right and still has need.

(Prov 11.24)

Whoever oppresses the poor insults his Maker,

but anyone who is gracious to the needy honors Him.

(Prov 14.31)

Generous people are genuinely blessed

because they share their food with the poor.

(Prov 22.9)

Seek financial counseling.

Without wise guidance, a nation falls;

but victory is certain when there are plenty of wise counselors.

(Prov 11.14)

Avoid "get rich quick" schemes.

A greedy person is in a hurry to get rich,

but he is ignorant of the loss that is about to overtake him.

(Prov 28.22)

Walk in financial integrity and honesty.

Money earned hastily is easily lost,

but hard-earned money continues to grow.

(Prov 13.11)

Great treasure may be found where the right-living make their home,

but trouble awaits the wicked at every turn.

(Prov 15.6)

All day, every day the greedy want more,

while those who live right give generously.

(Prov 21.26)

the order of the ravens

because Halloween is upon us!

Mayhill Church of Christ contacted me this week: they want me to come and preach again. "And after the service, we'd like to sit down with you and talk about the position." This will be the third time I've preached there, and it seems like they like me well enough to talk about what the position would entail. I'm thinking that's a good sign? If I were to be offered the position (and if I were to accept), that would at the least be an extra $800 a month. That would be insanely helpful. I told Ashley about how I'll be preaching there the first Sunday of November, and she said she'd support me in whatever I choose to do. You can't put a pricetag on the kind of support she's shown. I'm thinking I'll preach a sermon entitled "Loving God: What It Means," showing how love for God is essentially the same as devotion to God, and how one's obedience is a litmus test of sorts to the claims of love for God. It's an important subject in a culture where having warm feelings about Jesus, or trying to adhere to your moral compass, or simply believing in God, is viewed as "love" for God.

I also have an interview with my home church tomorrow.

The position is for Youth Ministry, and I'm their first interview.

Roger said he really liked my resume (he helped me design it!).

Working at Southwest would be my first choice.

(but we'll see where God takes me)

I've really enjoyed doing Bible studies with Ashley, either in person or over the phone. Mandy and I prayed over the phone, but I wasn't as adamant as I should've been about reading scripture and studying the Bible together. Thus I've been far more proactive in that arena with Ashley. Lessons learned, eh? It's been great so far. Today we went to Zola's Pub and spent most of the meal talking about Christianity's assimilation with pagan culture and how that assimilation is often viewed in terms that isn't assimilation at all. I don't know if that makes any sense? Anyways, it was a good talk, made even better over Kentucky Bourbon Ale!

Ashley and I don't have a long-distance relationship, and I'm seeing how some of the things I believed about myself in a relationship were off-base. For example, when I would go see the Wisconsinite, I would want to cuddle all the time. I'm a natural cuddler, and she's not. Ashley, she's a cuddler just like me, but we're not cuddling 24/7. I think because my time with the Wisconsinite was so limited, and because one of my main Love Languages is physical touch, it was my natural disposition to want to cuddle as much as possible. Another surprise: I'm far less of a homebody than I thought. I do enjoy quiet nights in with Ashley, but I like to go out and do stuff, too. We've gone on several dates, we've gone on walks, we've went out and done things. I like having an "active" relationship. When I would visit the Wisconsinite, I would want to go and do things, but I'd also want some time just cuddling and talking at her place. Again, I think that goes back to the time constraints that long-distance relationships put on a couple. It isn't easy to gauge how things will look "in real life," and it's easy to believe that a relationship will look one way "in person" based on what the relationship looks like long-distance, and for that assumption to be wildly off-base. Of course, these are things you can see only in hindsight. But they're noteworthy in their own right.

I've finished Allan Eckert's The Conquerors.

Next up: Stephen King's Just After Dark (a collection of shorts stories),

and Michael Crichton's A Case of Need, a medical thriller about abortion.

Reading fiction is always a good stress reliever.

(God knows there's been a lot of that lately!)

I've also been doing a lot of writing, "getting back to my roots." Writing fiction has always been nothing short of exhilarating. Crafting a story out of "thin air," playing God with the characters, fashioning something out of nothing (a literary ex nihilo)... There are few things quite like it. My first novel (and my first trilogy) all sold remarkably well; maybe if I get back in the swing of things (and actually take royalties), I could (a) do something I enjoy doing, and (b) make money off the fools dumb enough to enjoy my work.

Those are most of the updates for now.

Tomorrow Ashley, the girls, and I are going to church together.

Then we may have a picnic, and we're going to a Fall Carnival.

And tomorrow night? THE WALKING DEAD!!!

(with Blake, Traci, and Ams)

pokemon meets the presidency

[books i've been reading]

The last book I read in the Allan Eckert's Winning of America series ended with the defeat of the French and their native American allies in the French & Indian War. The Conquerors begins right after the fall of Montreal. Now under English jurisdiction, and chafing under English policies that treated the native Americans without dignity or honor, native Americans rose up and struck at English forts throughout the wilderness. Every fort west of Fort Pitt (modern day Pittsburgh) fell, with the exception of Fort Detroit. This Indian rebellion, known as "Pontiac's Rebellion," couldn't last, and the end of Pontiac's Rebellion signaled the end of native American resistance, though the end would come slow and with much blood spilled. 

#ballroomdancing, et. al.

snapshots of autumn

I'm sitting at a table in the dark corner of the dance studio, Happy plays over the loudspeakers, and a bunch of Downs are tearing up the dance floor. They certainly have a way about them. I used to sit outside on one of the benches and read, but it's getting cold and the rain doesn't seem to let up. The past two weeks have been nothing but overcast. I don't mind it: there's nothing quite like holing up in the Hobbit Hole, lighting oil lanterns and candles, and reading Stephen King as rain taps at the windows. That's what I have on the agenda for tonight, as well.

Ashley came over Sunday night, and we were up until 4 AM talking in the glow of candlelight. I was honest with her about the apprehension I've been feeling. It's only been a little over four months since Mandy called things off, and though I genuinely like Ashley, I'm fearful that I haven't recovered enough to be in a fully functional relationship. It isn't that I question my "like" of her; it's that I'm scared of hurting her deeply. She's become a great friend, and we've connected in such a way that it feels like we've known each other for years. I told her how I contacted Mandy, asking her if there was any possibility of us being together. The truth is that I wasn't wanting her to say "Yes"; I wanted her to say "No" (and she did), so that I could fully invest in Ashley. I told Ashley the truth: I feel at peace and content with her, I have joy sharing life with her, and being with her and the girls doesn't feel awkward or out-of-place; it feels right, and in a strange sense, it feels like home. 

I hung out with Ams for a couple hours last night and told her how things have been going with Ashley. I told her how I feel comfortable with her; I feel like I can be myself, and there's no pressure to be a certain sort of person with her. I don't feel that I have to meet an unspoken checklist in order to preserve her desire for me. I felt that way with Mandy, and though I knew it wasn't healthy, I was willing to overlook it, promising myself that, in time, things would be different. I felt a pressure to be this certain type of guy, a pressure not to show my weaknesses, a pressure not to be overly vulnerable; I felt a constant strain of tension, not knowing whether she would still want to be with me the next day. I told myself these feelings were irrational, that I would feel them with anybody; but I don't feel that way with Ashley. It isn't that Mandy made me feel that way; rather, it was a product of our story, the natural result of having the vacillation in her affections. The mere knowledge that she was capable of running, and even likely to run given enough time, fueled the stress and anxiety. Ashley and I don't have that sort of story, so I don't feel that stress. And you know what? It's nice. I can rest in her affection; I didn't feel secure resting in Mandy's affection for me. Ams told me she likes Ashley a lot and can see the two of them being friends and hanging out without it being awkward. My little sister's approval means so much.

"I think it's super cute that you two pray together," she said. "I know that's something you had and cherished with Mandy, and I'm glad you've been able to find that again." I'm glad, too. We're not doing the Heidelberg Catechism anymore (it took way too much preparation), but we've been doing a ready-made bible study. She has dyslexia and thus it's hard for her to read and comprehend what she's reading, so I read scripture to her, and she loves that. "You're a great reader," she said; "You really immerse yourself in the text and bring it to life. You don't read monotonously." I'm glad I don't bore her. We're going to start going to church together this coming Sunday. She told the girls and they jumped up and down with excitement. Her brother Nathan is probably going to go with us, too; he's really cool. 

As Ashley and I talked until early in the morning Sunday night, I told her that I'm scared of moving too fast, I don't want that pressure, and the M-word (no, not mezzanine) scares me. In the wake of everything with Mandy, I guess that's understandable? What I do know (and I told her as much) is that I really like her, I love spending time with her and the girls, I love the way we can talk and laugh and how we have the same sense of humor (her personality reminds me of Brandy Rae's), and I've felt much peace and contentment in these past two weeks of knowing her. I told her the future isn't guaranteed, but I do want to keep getting to know her and sharing life with her. She agreed, and so we decided we might as well become official "Boyfriend and Girlfriend" (I feel almost like a teenager writing this). Making it official doesn't mean we're going fast: it means we're just acknowledging what's been transpiring these past couple weeks. I'm at peace and happy with the decision.

The last song is playing now. It's time to pack up.

Bring on the Rain, the Oil Lanterns, and some Stephen King.

It should be a delightful night.

the 48th week

pumpkin carving on 10/19/14

Monday. I woke late at Mom & Dad's and spent the day cuddling with Sky and watching TV: Elysium and Criminal Minds. I headed out to Mason to see Blake & Traci (Ams was there, too), and Blake asked Ams and I to be in their wedding next October. Words cannot express how stoked I am to be asked to be a part of it; stoked and honored. Blake is definitely one of my best friends, and I love him like a brother. I wonder if he'll let me give a toast at the wedding that is nothing short of a dyspeptic string of Frisky Dingo one-liners?  

Tuesday. The morning began with coffee and scripture at The Anchor, and after watching District 9 I headed up to Blue Ash for my 2-10:15 shift with the guys. When I got off work I headed up to Ashley's place. The girls were in bed, so we went to IHOP for orange juice and coffee, and then back at her place we sat outside in our sweatshirts and talked for hours about all sorts of things. Towards the end of the night she was the one talking and I was the one nodding off in my lawnchair, at which point she politely told me to leave and to avoid falling asleep at the wheel on my drive home.

Wednesday. I had to run errands in Norwood, so I treated myself to a cheap, hole-in-the-wall Chinese buffet. Sometimes you get a craving for crab rangoon that won't go away until you give in. I worked 3-7:00, taking Jason to Ballroom Dancing, and then I headed up to Ashley's. I joined her, the girls, and her sister Rachel for ice cream at Minchi's. Chloe kept pretending to shove me into oncoming traffic. "You were slightly less aggressive when I met you as a newborn." Zoey came down with a 103 degree fever, so Ashley and I headed to Children's Hospital where they serve coke and graham crackers to anyone who asks. Everyone was wearing masks and I so wanted to joke about being in Nigeria last week and feeling "a bit under the weather," but I think it's still too soon for Ebola jokes. Maybe. With my luck I'd be quarantined and fined. We didn't get out of the hospital until after midnight. "We've had some pretty interesting dates," Ashley quipped: "We had one of the best concerts I've ever seen with Ben on guitar and vocals" ("You must not see many concerts," I said) "and tonight we got ice cream and went to the Emergency Room." I like things to be interesting.

Thursday. I worked until 4:00 with the guys. Ben disappeared for half an hour at Gorman Heritage Farms, and I almost had to call the police. I found him mingling with a group of kids digging a ditch by the hoop house, and I took his shovel from him, told him he was in BIG trouble, and he had a nice talking-to. I was pissed because (a) I almost had to write up a huge MUI report, and (b) the afternoon's potluck had pizza, which was cold by the time I found him. He was so put-off at being in trouble that he refused to sit at the table with the rest of us. "If he wants to make a fool out of himself because of his pride, I'll let him." Right after work I jetted up to Bob Evans in West Chester to have dinner with Mom & Ams. I made the mistake of going with them to Target "just to get some things", but at least Mom bought me some cool drink coasters and some taper candles. "Target doesn't sell paraffin oil?! Bullshit! It's getting dark earlier, and how do they expect people to light their homes?!" Ashley came over to the Hobbit Hole later in the evening, and we threw back cans of Angry Orchard and talked late into the night. We ended up passing out, and she woke up at 4:30 to head home.

Friday. I spent much of my morning at The Anchor, and I spent the afternoon hanging out with Ashley and her girls. We relaxed in the hammock and watched ridiculous YouTube videos. I showed Chloe "Crazy Frog," and I don't think Ashley likes how much she watches it now. I bid them farewell, and I went up to Fairfield to see Ams. We watched Gilmore Girls and talked intermittently. It's how it usually goes. We're not an exciting bunch. I headed home around 10 PM and spent an hour reading in the glow of oil lamps and taper candles, listening to the rain rapping on my stained glass windows.

Saturday. I went to The Anchor before hanging out with Aaron out in Delhi: we went to Hobby Lobby and La'Rosa's. I watched Riddick home at the Hobbit Hole and then met up with Ashley at one of her cleaning jobs in Blue Ash before my shift with the guys. I worked the Overnight for John B.; they're easy extra hours. 

Sunday. I woke in Blue Ash and went to The Anchor for coffee and scripture before heading up to U.C.C. I rocked things out behind the bar during the service. We were insanely busy: usually we go through about four coffee urns each morning, but today we went through twelve. They appreciated having an experienced barista behind the bar. I went by Winton Ridge to see a bit of the Bengals game with John, Brandy, Amos, and Missy before heading up to Ashley's. It was a great evening: Ashley fixed a delicious and cheap "poor woman's" dinner of cabbage, potatoes, and sausage, and then we carved a pumpkin with the girls. "You were worried about them liking you," Ashley said, "but it's pretty evident that they love you. I've never seen them warm up this way to anybody so fast." Chloe gave me a hug before I left for work, and Zoey gave me a kiss. It was the sweetest thing ever. I left West Chester and made the drive to Blue Ash, thinking about how... odd... it felt to feel such peace and joy with them today. I love hanging out with Ashley, and I love her girls, and they love me, and, well, I don't know... It makes me feel pretty damned honored and excited about what the future could hold. Time will tell; it always does. Here's a quote from Dan Dyke that just popped into my head:

Why do good things happen to people who have had bad fortune? Whether by life or by death we are His and have been blessed.

sunday... meditations?

My aim was to write out sermon notes from U.C.C., but I didn't end up getting to partake in the actual service. I was slated to do coffee this morning, and with the advent of cold weather, we were far busier than we supposed. Usually four coffee urns will get us through the morning, but by the end of the service, I had already brewed twelve. I was stuck behind the bar doing coffee, tea, and dishes for the duration of the morning, which I didn't mind; so in the absence of sermon notes, here's a mix of Jesus, Halloween, and zombies (in honor of The Walking Dead):

Cartoons. I love 'em.

Aim for their heads, Baby Jesus!

Classic.

update[z]

#guilty

"I thought you said this blog was going private?" It has. I found a way to make it unsearchable through Google, not listed on Blogger, and hidden from my Google profile. Thus the only way to visit my blog is to know the URL. Ever since making the change, my profile views have plummeted to those scarce few who actually visit the blog on a regular basis. I like it better this way, and it's less of a hassle for my handful of loyal readers.

Okay, here are some updates on my life:

Work has been stressful, mainly the fact that I've definitely felt the "pinch" with less hours since the demise of Tazza Mia. I've picked up some more hours at the group home in Blue Ash, and I may be doing some packaging for Eric at the brewery. I'm in that "waiting game" period with the ministry jobs. If I don't hear back from anyone in the next month, I'll start my next slew of resume-tossing.

I had the flu last weekend.

That really sucked.

It only lasted a couple days. 

(hardly noteworthy)

C.C.U. continues to piss me off with their general lack of competence. I'm still waiting for them to send the transcripts, the transcripts (mind you) that I paid $25 for same-day delivery over six weeks ago. They cashed the check but have made zero effort to do what I paid them to do. Seriously, guys? I'm itching to get back into school, but if my alma mater won't get their crap together, it'll be a long time before that happens. I've talked to several people who have had similar problems; they're just not an efficient and streamlined organization. Perhaps next week I'll stop calling them and go there in person to ask for my $25 back.

It's done nothing but rain this week.

That's not true: we had one nice day.

And yesterday it was nice out for about two hours.

I won't lie: I prefer rainy days to sunny days.

Perhaps that's why Alaska's Interior Passage has always appealed to me?

Ketchikan Harbor. I could live there.

#rainydaywednesdays

the definition of the last week

I was privileged to spend time with Blakey on Monday (is privileged the right word?), and I got to tell him and Traci all about Ashley. "Don't move too fast," Blake said. He doesn't need to worry: I am terrified of moving too fast. Ashley and I, we're still getting to know one another, and I've told her that the very LAST thing I want to do is move fast. It isn't just that it's a lesson I learned in the wake of everything with the Wisconsinite; the fact that Ashley has kids, and she's introduced them to me (though I met her oldest as a newborn), makes not moving fast absolutely important. I don't want her kids to get close to me until I'm 100 percent sure of what I want. I do know that I enjoy spending time with her, but that's not enough to know, exactly, where this is going.

She and I went to IHOP yesterday night, and she asked me, "Do you still love Mandy?" I really hoped she wouldn't ask that question. I do still love her. I was going to marry her, after all, and the way things went down was her doing, not mine. The fact that I do still love her doesn't mean I can't begin the process of getting to know someone else. I just need to be cognizant of the fact that it is a process. I can't expect to love Ashley right away in the same way that I loved Mandy. The love I had for Mandy grew over years of knowing her, sharing experiences with her, going through Good Times and Bad Times with her (as best we could given the distance), and the reality is that the love I came to have for her wasn't something present in the beginning. Love takes time to grow; real love--the decision and commitment of the will to love, cherish, nourish, and die to yourself for a particular and exclusive woman--doesn't come overnight. If I don't sense that love for Ashley, I'm foolish to see that as a Red Flag. I have to trust what I know to be true: my love for Mandy will fade, so that she will become no more a memory than those who entered and exited my life before her. Unrequited love isn't romantic; it's downright foolish. 

There is, I'll admit, an element of pressure in this odd and unexpected journey (I feel a bit like Bilbo Baggins after that sentence). She's always telling me how I'm so different from other men, how she's never met someone with such strong values and convictions, someone with such kindness and compassion. Sometimes she cries as we pray together, because she's never experienced that. She can't contain the excitement of doing a bible study together (is studying the Heidelberg Catechism exciting now?), and she can't contain her shock that someone like me actually exists. "So you were going to marry this girl, and you were reading book after book and studying Christian marriage to learn how to love her well and in a way that honors God and presents to the world a picture of the gospel? I didn't even think guys did stuff like that, especially not on their own initiative!" She wants to hold onto my hand and never let go, and she didn't even let the last guy she dated hold her hand for over a month; she doesn't want the guys she dates to meet her daughters, but she introduced me to them right away, saying, "I can tell you're a great man, and I can tell you'd be a great father." On the surface it's warming to my heart, but deep down it's downright terrifying, for at least two reasons. First, because I'm not at all how great she thinks I am. The way I blew my top in the wake of everything with Mandy, the way I let my anger vent through my words, the way I said and wrote hurtful things... That's a huge black smear to my character. And it's terrifying because I feel this pressure to live up to the hype. Eventually she'll see I'm not all she thinks I am; the chinks in my armor and the black spots in my heart will become evident in time. 

These are just some of the things I'm thinking.

She's an awesome woman, and I really enjoy spending time with her.

I'm trying not to freak myself out, and I'm resisting the urge to rebuild my walls.

We'll see how this pans out; it'll either be really good, or really sad.

But, hell, that's how dating works. Right?

the 47th week

 

Monday. Ams came over for a couple episodes of Gilmore Girls before I headed up to West Chester to meet up with an old friend named Ashley. We got drinks at the Dingle House Irish Pub, and then we walked around Union Square and stood beside the fountain and talked late into the night. We both had a really good time, and I plan on hanging out with her again.

Tuesday. Ashley came by Ridgecrest to meet Ben & Jason. Ben played one of his famous concerts, had a meltdown, and once he recuperated he tried to marry Ashley and I with both a Catholic and a Jewish wedding. "This is the best second date I've ever been on!" she quipped. He kept calling her "Ashley Barnhart," which was pretty awkward. When my shift ended, we went to the Village Tavern here in Blue Ash: I had a beer and a shot of bourbon, and she had a Long Island Iced Tea. She'd never had one before and loved it. She wanted to see my place, so we left the bar (quite sober, mind you) and I showed off my Hobbit Hole. We were up till about 4 AM watching episodes of Gilmore Girls and talking.

Wednesday. I worked 3-7:00 and then headed up to Ashley's place. I got to meet her family, including her beautiful daughters. One of them is really into Pokemon and is trying to collect all 5000 cards. I told her my favorite Pokemon is Squirtle (because I like turtles), and she said she'd try to find me a Holographic Squirtle card. Ashley's sister is really cool, and we sat at the table talking World War Two history. Ashley has a trunk in the basement filled with WW2 relics, and on the table (just by chance) was the hydraulic operations manual for a PBY2-4 Catalina, a "Flying Boat" used for bombing and/or Search & Rescue operations in the Pacific Theater. Ashley is really into history, too, and colonial history is her favorite. She appreciates my rants on colonial America, and she even has a few comments here-&-there to supplement what I'm saying. I find that to be fairly awesome.

Thursday. I worked 8:30-4:00 in Blue Ash and then spent the evening hanging out with Ashley and her girls. Her oldest daughter found it to be a delight explaining to me how to operate the child safety locks around the house (she caught me dumbfoundedly trying to figure them out), and when I went out back she playfully locked me out and then requested my help in gathering some things in the kitchen for school tomorrow. Once the girls were in bed, Ashley and I headed to my place to watch some movies and talk history and theology late into the night.

Friday. Mom & Dad are in Gatlinburg, so I'm dog-sitting most of the weekend. Ams came up to the house to meet Ashley, and the three of us had dinner (chicken in the crockpot ladled over mashed potatoes and topped with corn) and drank hard ciders on the front porch. Ams really likes her, and Ashley likes Ams, and I think that's great. They both headed out, and I cuddled with Sky before bed.

Saturday. I slept in late and had Subway for lunch while watching Gravity. I headed to Blue Ash at 5 PM and spent the rest of the night watching movies with Jason. Ben arrived around 10:00, and shortly thereafter everyone (including myself) was in bed.

Sunday. I left Blue Ash around 8:00, picking up coffee at U.D.F. before the driving back to Dayton. I fixed a delicious breakfast: over-easy eggs, fried bacon, rye toast, and pancakes. I spent the afternoon watching movies: Elysium and District 9. I'm a big fan of both of them; that director knows how to make movies. I didn't have to work in Blue Ash this evening, so I took Sky to the park. We had a quiet evening in watching The Walking Dead before bed.

[sunday meditations]

There's a biblical concept called a stronghold. 2 Corinthians 10.4-5 reads, The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds. We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ. These strongholds, which Paul says are to be demolished by the gospel and by taking every thought captive and making it obedient to Christ, are faulty thinking patterns based on lies and deception.

The Bible takes it for granted that there are "powers and principalities" at work against God and His people. Such talk may sound like poppycock in the Western world, but these things are still taken for granted in most of the rest of the world, where science and medicine cannot explain shadowy going-ons. Jesus says of the devil that he was a murderer from the beginning, not holding to the truth, for there is no truth in him. When he lies, he speaks his native tongue, for he is a liar and the father of lies. (John 8.44) Whatever the devil may be, one of his main strategies against God and His beloved creatures is to attack our minds through lies and deception. He's clever, spinning these lies in such a way that they make sense; he makes his lies seem reasonable, for he masquerades as an angel of light (2 Cor 11.14), and he has blinded the minds of unbelievers, so that they cannot see the light of the gospel (2 Cor 4.4). In 2 Timothy 2.26, Paul expresses hope that Timothy's opponents will come to their senses and escape from the trap of the devil, who has taken them captive to do his will. In his first letter to Timothy, Paul explicitly states, In later times some will abandon the faith and follow deceiving spirits and things taught by demons. The devil is chiefly a liar and an accuser; and when it comes to his schemes of deception, he employs lies and accusations to further his agenda of "blocking our way" (indeed, the very Hebrew term satan depicts an entity blocking one's path forward).

Once a person becomes a Christian and a member of God's own household, the fight continues. The enemy is always at work, trying to block our way, always fighting to keep us from experiencing the abundant life Christ has for us. The devil wants to keep us in chains; he hates the thought of us experiencing the freedom and redemption found in a life surrendered to Christ. He actively works against us; it's because of this that Paul commands Christians to put on the full armor of God, so that [we] can stand against the devil's schemes (Eph 6.11); he continues in verse 12, For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Shadowy names for shadowy things. The Apostle Peter commands the Christians in Asia Minor to be alert and of sober mind, warning them that their enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in the faith (1 Pet 5.8-9). James tells us to resist the devil, assuring us that if we do so, he will flee (Jas 4.7). We can thus deduce that (a) the devil attacks through lies and deception (et. al.) and (b) he doesn't stop attacking Christians once they are converted. It seems, rather, that he steps up his game. His attacks don't simply come in the form of temptation: that's amateur-hour stuff, and the Bible is clear that there are two other enemies who assault us (the world and our own flesh); the devil's schemes often involve a web of lies, erroneous assumptions, misperceptions, and thought patterns. 

All of this may sound like poppycock. I get it: I'm conditioned to think in rational terms, and I think believing in such things is rational. Let me put it this way: if I am willing to concede that a spiritual realm exists that is unseen (in which we have entities like God and human souls), then I shouldn't be hesitant to concede that there may very well be "going ons" in the spiritual realm that, for someone who understands reality solely through the lens of that which can be experienced by the five senses, can be hard to swallow. Really, there are two options regarding the belief that demons are real, and even active: (1) it's bullshit, and (2) it's real. Philosophical naturalism (the philosophical undercurrent that flows beneath our western worldviews and which upholds the current sway in scientific methodology) erases anything beyond the human senses. If naturalistic philosophy isn't correct (and saying "I know it's right because I haven't seen things I can't see" isn't an appropriate argument), then the door is left open for all sorts of things, not simply Judeo-Christian spirituality. A conscience, a soul, a spirit... A Higher Power, angels and demons, and ghosts, too... All of these become possible players on the field. If philosophical naturalism is correct, then we are the sum total of our parts; if it isn't correct, then we may be far more than the machinations and organic tissue that bind us together and keep us functioning.

I believe there is more to reality than that which we can touch, taste, see, and measure by "scientific methodology." I believe that God exists, and that He is spirit; and I believe in angels, because the Bible says they exist; and I believe in demons because the Bible says they exist, too. Jesus spent a whole lot of time casting out demons and healing those who were oppressed by demons; to argue that he was simply casting out mental illnesses is just an attempt to dodge an uncomfortable subject (and let's not forget that if such an argument were correct, you don't find yourself anywhere: Jesus was still doing a hell of a better job with mental illnesses than modern psychiatry could even hope to do). We western folk with our modern medicine and enlightened worldview don't give much thought to these things; but travel to the third world, and rumor has it your eyes are opened. All sorts of weird, creepy, scary, and downright unexplainable things happen over there. Many a missionary and physician has been explicit: "You see demonic activity in third world countries that you simply don't see in the western world." These missionaries, mind you, aren't idiots; to identify someone as an idiot because they've drawn different conclusions that you is foolishness of the highest sort. These missionaries and physicians are western men and women who were raised in rather moderate homes and learning about the world the same way we do. They go to another part of the world, and they experience things that shatter their cherished paradigms.

I've heard it argued that demons are no less active in the western world; it's just that they're subtle. Kevin Spacey put it best: The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn't exist. I believe one of the biggest demonic lies being paraded and believed throughout the western world is that of philosophical materialism. If you can't measure something by scientific methods, then the only appropriate conclusion is that it doesn't exist. Never mind the extreme arrogance of such a belief; it's swallowed whole and part of a daily western diet. By promulgating such a lie, the "powers and principalities" may break down their own glory, but they also steal glory from God and make God's people look like backwards hillbillies. Demonic powers attack God's people subtly, as well, through lies and deceptions: lies about the world, lies about ourselves, lies about our Creator. When we believe these lies, we are held back from being the sort of people God wants us to be. He has blinded the minds of unbelievers, so that they cannot see the light of the gospel.

*dayton reflections*

I'm spending the weekend hanging out with Sky since Mom & Dad are in Gatlinburg vacationing with some of our family. I always enjoy being at the house: it's a nice change of pace from the hustle and bustle of the city, and there's that certain "homecoming" warmth about it, that feeling of peace and security. It'll be prime time to watch some movies but not Netflix, since the internet's down. I have my Sunday shift covered, so I'll be able to see the Season 5 Premiere of The Walking Dead.

This week has been pretty good. I'll just put it succinctly: I've met someone. Or, rather, (re)met someone. Her name's Ashley, and we were friends my freshman year of college. We hadn't talked in years, but we met up for drinks in West Chester and have been talking A LOT ever since. She's a Christian, she has traditional morals and values, and she has two beautiful daughters, aged eight and two. I've spent a considerable amount of time with her and her daughters this week, and it's been fantastic. She came up to Dayton last night to meet Ams, and we hung out for several hours drinking hard ciders, and I fixed a crockpot chicken dinner paired with mashed potatoes and corn. Ams really likes her, which means a lot. I'm excited to keep talking with her, and excited to see where things go. I feel really comfortable with her, we have the same sense of humor, and we agree on the important issues when it comes to "life together," so there shouldn't be any wrench-in-the-gear surprises along the way (perhaps that's too optimistic; time will tell).

Am I concerned that some of the trust issues I have in the wake of everything with the Wisconsinite could jeopardize things? I wouldn't be honest if I said No. She really did a number on me, and I can already sense some of my issues coming to the surface. I'm fighting against them, and what Mandy did to me, I won't do to Ashley. I don't want to cause that level of pain. I won't say things absent thought, I won't make promises I might not keep, and I won't run from her because of anxiety or fear. She's been through so much, and she doesn't deserve that kind of treatment. 

In other news, I heard back from the church in Winchester, but I wasn't told anything conclusive. They're still interviewing some other candidates, and the senior minister said I did really well in my interview. I haven't heard anything from Mayhill, but I'm not too concerned. I would love to preach there again, but if I don't, I won't lose sleep over it. The youth minister from my home church resigned so I sent my resume to the Search Committee; the senior minister really liked my resume and told me he would be vouching for me. I'm hoping that the fact that I have a lot of experience at that church in particular will perk their interest in me. I would love to work there, and it would be cool to be close to Mom & Dad and to live in my old hometown again.

On that note, this blog will be going private soon. I'm thinking the change will come on Tuesday. This is what it means for YOU, my three loyal readers: you'll need to have a Google account (blogger, GMail, or anything associated with Google); type in the URL, and when it forbids you access, request access via your Google account. I'll have to approve it, and then you'll be able to read my blog just as you always have. This will help me weed out prying eyes and preserve my reputation as I continue seeking ministry jobs.

a cosmic post

A photographer went about asking the question, "What would modern cities look like without light pollution?" Consulting astronomical charts, he calculated the earth's rotation and tilt and went to deserted locations absent light pollution and photographed the stars. These stars, on a different date, would be suspended over modern cities. He meshed the two together and presto: you get a glimpse at the starry nights obscured by modernity. Here are a handful:

Shanghai

San Francisco

Hong Kong

Paris

New York City

quotes: Stanley Hauerwas

"Jesus is Lord, and everything else is bullshit."

"To be poor does not mean you lack the means to extend charity to another. You may lack money or food, but you have the gift of friendship to overwhelm the loneliness that grips the lives of so many."

"The courageous have fears that cowards never know."

"The basis for the ethics of the Sermon on the Mount is not what works, but rather who God is."

"We never know whom we marry; we just think we do. Or even if we first marry the right person, just give it a while and he or she will change. For marriage, being [the enormous thing it is] means we are not the same person after we have entered it. The primary problem is... learning to love and care for the stranger to whom you find yourself married." 

"I asked her to marry me. She thought I was crazy. She pointed out that I had no idea who she was. I responded that of course I did not know who she was. But I knew she was a Christian. I loved and lusted after her. The rest we could work out."

"Writing is hard and difficult work because to write is to think. I do not have an idea and then find a way to express it. The expression is the idea. So I write because writing is the only way I know how to think."

"Beware when you hear a Methodist minister quote his twelve year old. When that happens you know you're fixin' to hear some bullshit."

"If you ever think you've got it right, you probably don't."

"The church doesn't have a social strategy, the church is a social strategy."

"I say I'm a pacifist because I am a violent son of a bitch. I'm a Texan. I can feel it in every bone I've got. And I hate the language of pacifism because it's too passive. But by avowing it, I create expectations in others that hopefully will help me live faithfully to what is true. But that I have no confidence in my own ability to live it at all."

"When couples come to ministers to talk about their marriage ceremonies, ministers think it's interesting to ask if they love one another. What a stupid question! How would they know? A Christian marriage isn't about whether you're in love. Christian marriage is giving you the practice of fidelity over a lifetime in which you can look back upon the marriage and call it love. It is a hard discipline over many years."