I must have patience. Patience that I can bear the next few weeks until I graduate High School. Patience that I can survive I.G.A. for the next couple months before I go to college. Patience that life will work out, that I will be able to get a job after college, raise a family, grow old and happy. Patience that a girl will find my miniscule chub to be nothing short of excellence. Patience that my acne will clear up from the mounds of pills and cremes the doctors have been shoving down my throat for two months now.Patience that, in short, the little details about life will get better.

"But these things I plan won't happen right away. Slowly, steadily, surely, the time approaches when the vision will be fulfilled. If it seems slow, wait patiently, for it will surely take place. It will not be delayed." - Habakkuk 2:3, New Living Translation

Spring Break 2005 has dawned. I thought it would never get here; of course, then I thought our Spring Break would be in the middle of April, so this is a pleasantly sweet surprise. Unlike most of my friends, my family isn't doing anything special. Except today: we went to Ohio Caverns, Salvation Army, and ate out at Applebee's. I am working a lot at I.G.A. because all but three of the baggers are in Florida or Michigan, but I don't mind: it gives me something to do other than sit around here, getting bored, wasting my life. On the plus side, I have had lots of time to read (The Divine Conspiracy, Dallas Willard) and watch movies (if I listed all the movies I've watched, it'd give you a migraine and a half). I've also been doing a lot of listening to music. And how nice is the weather!!! It neared eighty today! That's incredible! Winter is so old. I just want the flowers to return, the trees to burst forth their brilliant green leaves, and the earth cry out a sea of emerald under an azure sky. Wow, that's kind of poetic. Boy, here I am again, rambling like a fool. Is there anything important to say... hmmm... no, not really. And you suddenly realize how much you waste your life reading this blog. Nawag hah hah.

Writer's block. Actually, I'm lying. My mind is a chaotic cesspool of infernal ideas just waiting to be thrown onto paper, waiting to materialize into a literary piece of art. So many ideas I can't handle it. The problem is, I don't want to indulge any of those ideas. Starseed and 36 Hours were great, but so cliche. I want to write something that touches on the deepest wells of human emotions, something that stirs up the heart as only a few works of art have ever done. I want to write something epic, something that has not been seen before, something beyond belief and so radically life-changing. I'm almost done with high school, I'm going to college, I'll be living my career, and 100 years from now, I will be dead. I feel like I'm just wasting my writing time by putting the pen to unoriginal ideas that, while interesting, are forgotten with the wind's passing breath.

I'm inspired by the beautiful works of Edgar Allen Poe, H.P. Lovecraft, J.R.R. Tolkien, the classical Greek and Roman authors whose tales of Troy and Ceasar have inspired countless acts of bravery, innumerable lives of romance, and laid the groundwork of the warrior poet. I so strongly desire to write something that will touch base in everyone's heart; that, somehow, in some way, will carry my name down through the ages. Something that will find my name on the shelves next to Homer and Thoreau. So I have writer's block. I have the desire, but no idea how to pursue it. And time is slipping through my fingers like sand in a sieve.

Our earth is 8,000 miles wide. The distance from the sun to the earth alone is 93 million miles. The distance from the sun to pluto (the distance of the solar system!) is three billion and six hundred sixty-six million miles. Our sun is one of thousands upon thousands of stars in one arm of a swirling galaxy. Our galaxy is one in billions upon billions of galaxies in the observable universe. We can only observe 28 billion light-years away, and so what is beyond that border, we've no idea. Our observable universe could be an infinitely small fraction of the real universe. It's just mind-boggling how big it all is.

K2: March '05

During K2, Jeff threw an 'open mic' at us where we could stand up, say something on our hearts, and express ourselves as worship. Jeff looked over at me and said, "Anth, what's on your heart?" It was ironic he said something because a moment before I told God I would say something if Jeff played the song, Make a Joyful Noise/I Will Not Be Silent by D.C.B. So he called me out, I stood, walked up to the mic, stumbled through words, and said something to the extent of this:

In the Shawshank Redemption, it's said that the Pacific Ocean has no memories. David Crowder writes in one of his songs, "Running through the forest, dive into the lake, bare feet on beaches white; standing in the canyon, painted hills around, the wind against my skin..." I used to think those were just pretty words for a pretty song, but I came to realize that they're something so much more than that. David Crowder is painting a picture, an image of heaven, an image of paradise. When I am beaten and bloodied and bludgeoned by all the crap the world throws at me, when I am hit with depression, I keep these lines at the forefront of my mind, so I do not forget. So I don't forget that one day I really will stand bare feet on beaches white and wind against my skin, looking out at a beautiful and untainted ocean, where the memories of all the bad crap in this life is gone.

The background image on my desktop is of palm trees overhanging a beach as the sun sets in the distance. These pictures always fill me with peace, and it makes me smile to think that one day, when all is said and done, I will lean against a palm tree, close my eyes, feel the sand between my toes, the warm breeze tingling my cheeks, and let the scent of the salty ocean and the laughter of the gulls sweep over me; and I will not worry about school, or work, or paying gas and insurance. I will kneel down, let the sand run through my fingers, and joining my friends, we will run into that surf, laughing with no worries. That day we will swim with dolphins.

And God shall smile over it all.

What good does it do you to be able to give a learned discourse on the Trinity, while you are without humility and, thus, are displeasing to the Trinity? Esoteric words neither make us holy nor righteous... I would rather experience repentance in my soul than know how to define it.

If you knew the entire Bible inside out and all the maxims of the philosophers, what good would it do you if you were, at the same time, without God's love and grace? This is the most worthless! Everything is worthless, except our loving God and serving only Him. This is the highest wisdom: to despise the world and seek the Kingdom of Heaven.

It is worthless to seek riches that are sure to perish and to put your hope in them. It is worthless to pursue honors and to set yourself up on a pedestal. It is worthless to follow the desires of the flesh and to crave the things that will eventually bring you heavy punishment. It is worthless to wish for a long life and to care little about living a good life. It is worthless to give thought only to this present life and not to think of the one that is to come. It is worthless to love what is transiftory and not to hasten to where everlasting joy abides.

Keep this proverb often in your mind: The eye is not satisfied with seeing, nor the ear filled with hearing. Therefore withdraw your heart from the love of things visible and turn yourself to things invisible.

** Thomas a' Kempis

Yesterday was not a very good day. My body fell apart, laden with sores in places I didn't even know existed, and since I have to wake at 5:30 every morning for school (7:30 was so nice last week...) I was pretty much just comatose. I usually meet up with Lee in the hallways before lunch, and yesterday I walked - well, stumbled - right past him and he thought it was a joke, but really, I was just kind of going through the motions. It was my sister's birthday though (sweet 16! yay!) so we ate at Marion's, but I got a tuna sub because it is healthier.

If it is any consolation, today has been much better. School was really easy, and I was able to finish all my homework and even get several chapters done in Gods & Generals, the first book in a Civil War trilogy I am reading. Lee, Pat, Chris and I got coffee at Borders, but I didn't buy coffee, because I think it's a waste of money. We also went to Barnes and Nobles and Best Buy, but I didn't see anything nice. Actually, that's a lie. I am considering buying a fantasy series called Darkness, by Harry Turtledove. It looks really cool, and I am simply considering it. I do have the money, with birthday cash and all, so it is looking good in several ways. Haha. I am convincing myself to buy it on my own blog. Tyler, Dylan and I went to Borders Sunday, and I bought two movies from birthday money: the Civil War movies Gods & Generals and Gettysburg. They're really good. I also used up my 1/2 Price gift card on two books: the Schindler's List novel (a favorite movie) and The Red Badge of Courage by Stephen Crane; I read some of his work last year and did enjoy it. Needless to say, I do enjoy reading.

I must say, I am extremely pleased with how well small group went tonight. No one messed around (in a bad way), and while there was constant laughter, we all took it seriously, thinking on the subjects, trying to weave it into our lives, and even the Bible's pages were ravenously eaten tonight. The scriptures are so beautiful in every dimension; I can't wait to study those words at C.C.U. Sometimes I think we have lost the fascination, the beauty, the sheer awesomeness of the scriptures - lost them in the mundane Bible studies, Bible dictionaries, spiritual self-help books. I am not a big fan of spiritual self-help books (but I do like books by Willard and Eldredge and Foster, and ancient Christian texts).

Last night as I crept to bed, I stopped beside Doogie as he lay sleeping in his little doggie bed. I knelt down next to him and started petting him; he woke from his sleep, looked up at me with weary eyes, and with all the effort he could muster, gently pawed my arm, silently begging for me to lie down with him. So I lay down next to him and he leaned against me and closed his eyes.

Doogie does a lot of bad stuff, but it isn't anything extreme. It's the usual stuff you expect from any household dog. Emptying trash cans, leaving footprints over the carpet, clawing at the doors, sleeping on my bed when I ask him not to. But in all of it, not once do I stop loving him. Even when I yell at him and boot him outside my love for him never fluctuates. If I'm punishing him, I don't stop loving him, and sure enough an hour or two later, I'll let him back inside and he'll be happy again. Not once, in all the bad stuff he does, does the thought ever cross my mind, that thought being getting rid of him. No matter all the bad stuff he does, I won't ever stop loving him and I won't ever consider getting rid of him. He's mine, and nothing he does is going to change that.

I think it's the same way with us and God. He loves us unconditionally; it isn't based on what we do right or what we do wrong. He doesn't love us more when we're doing good than when we're doing bad. And even when we screw up and get locked in bad habits and sinful situations, he isn't going to abandon us, and the thought never crosses his mind: he won't ever abandon us, won't ever get rid of us. We're his, and nothing we do can change that.

We just returned from Kentucky, where we spent time with Aunt Teri, Uncle Bill, Grandma and Grandpa, celebrating me and my sister's birthdays. Friday night we watched The Green Mile, and this morning Dad, Ams and I watched Payback with Mel Gibson. We ran over to Aunt Teri's work, where we set up for Chipotle or Chipolte, however you spell it; Dad and Uncle Bill did the "books" for Uncle Bill's lawn care company. Dinner was a tuna submarine sandwich, and it was tempting to eat pizza and cheesy garlic sticks, but I held off for once. My birthday gifts were many: money, H.P. Lovecraft books, Celebration of Discipline by Richard J. Foster, and a Christian classic, The Imitation of Christ: Thomas a Kempis' work from hundreds of years ago. I am not really tired. I may watch a movie. Tyler and I are supposed to do a skit for Southwest Church tomorrow, but we both memorized different scripts, so we'll either wing it or dock it. It's really Roger's decision, and it doesn't matter to me. I tried to fall asleep in the van on the way home, listening to Eisley, Johnny Cash, Straylight Run and Godspeed, but I just wasn't feeling it, and tiredness is unknown right now.

Lee and I went to Borders, 1/2 Price, Best Buy, careening through traffic and digging through Borders gift certificates. I finally made up my mind after countless moments of heavy debate to buy We Were Soldiers and Dawn of the Dead DVDs; once you x-out the gift cards, each DVD only cost me four cents, which, let me tell you, is quite a steal. I had a nice discussion about Dawn of the Dead, Shaun of the Dead, and Robert Romaro with the woman behind the counter, who is also a Dawn of the Dead fan (she says I need to see the original). I introduced Dylan to the Dawn of the Dead genre with 28 Days Later, and we've been planning on renting Dawn of the Dead, but since I've got it, that takes care of a lot of problems. Some other DVDs on my wishlist are Payback with Mel Gibson and possibly Donnie Darko.

The Williams', Dewenter, Casey and Bryon threw me a miniature party with a miniature cake (didn't taste so small: excellence of epic proportion!) and cheese and crackers. Since the party started at 9:30, I docked out early, but they finished it out nice by watching The Forgotten. It is odd that I was the first to leave my own party. Haha.

I am in the editing stages of 36 Hours; I actually finished it sometime in January. I think 36 Hours might be the last monumental piece of writing I ever undertake: it is quite a burden, as I am sure Mike Box knows, and short stories are so much easier. What really ticks me off, though, let me be quaint, is people who make fun of your writing when they haven't read a word of your work. The arrogance there is amazing. Oh well. What can you do but ignore them? Haha. I am off.

If you are a faithful reader due to some of my more "spiritual" overtones, and you've been disappointed with a seeming lack of such, don't be too alarmed. I have been writing a great deal of spiritual stuff, only I've dedicated another blog to it. The URL is http://hopeofanotherworld.blogspot.com, or you can just click on My Journey on the links to the right.

This morning I dreamt that I was lying on a cold table, and there were people all around me; a doctor in a zip-up white-collared shirt rolled up my sleeve, held a syringe with some greenish liquid, and I looked at it, and then I felt real horror, right there in my sleep. They say you can't feel anything in your dreams, and I don't know if that's true or not, but when he stuck the needle into my arm, I felt the prick. I also felt the liquid running through me. As if it were a boombox, I could hear my heart, beating slower and slower, each thud knocking the wind out of me. I couldn't breathe, suffocating in my sleep, lungs burning, and my heart completely stopped, everything started fading out. I knew this was the End. There's no terror like that. And then I woke up, probably from the fact that I hadn't been breathing because the dream had paralyzed me.

Ninth period at school, I learned that three hours past my dream, a rapist/murderer had been executed by lethal injection. Weird coincidence, huh?

There was a guy in California who was attacked by chimps. They mauled his foot, he lost all ten fingers, part of his lip, suffered a bite to the cheek and nose, an eyeball was plucked out, and his testicles were shorn off. Lee told me about this before school, and Ams and I heard it in the Jeep driving home. Ams said, "Wow, why don't you just up and die?" Really, that guy's life is sucking right now.

I borrowed Tombstone and The Flight of the Navigator from Chris and Lee. I plan on watching one of them today. Dylan is coming over and we will most likely eat. I am not going to pig out like I did yesterday (Chinese, quesadillas, Dominoe's Pizza). CCU has been on my mind a lot lately, and I am really excited. I really can't wait. I e-mailed CCU and they sent me all the courses I'll have to take through all my four years there for youth ministry or preaching ministry. No math except for a "life-skills" class Senior year, and no science except for one elective Sophomore year (I'm a biology guy, that class should be fun). So I am really looking forward to getting out of CP Algebra II. I should've taken general Algebra II; I don't think CCU paid too much attention to my math courses, but who knows? Ams is making a grilled cheese and Dylan should be here in ten minutes.

Tomorrow is my birthday, coffee, and Marion's Pizza. Friends and family and nonstop laughter. Shortened day (2 hours and 20 minutes shorter than usual) at school, and no work Wednesday to have to think about Tuesday, which would ruin my psyche on my birthday. I really am not all that excited about my birthday. I am just excited about getting my presents. I really enjoy those. Haha. Good-bye.

China Cottage beckoned, and Pat, Hague, Ash, Ams and I feasted. I really trimmed down on what I ate because Chinese food is like poison to the diet. Dylan came over, and for supper we ate those delicious tuna quesadillas, with fat-free sour cream (yes!!!). Base Camp was at the Howard's, and we played Cranium and laughed, twisted our arms and got mud all over our sandals. We were booted out around 8:30 because all the high school cheerleaders were having an overnight party. I returned home, played Battlefield Vietnam, and it's 9:34 and here I am, happy that I get to sleep in two extra hours tomorrow. Let me tell you why this week will be a better week than most:

I) No work the entire week!
II) 2-hour delay every day before school (that means half-hour classes!)
III) Marion's Pizza on Tuesday for our small group
IV) Tuesday I am old enough to buy hand-wrapped Columbian cigars!
V) Fuddrucker's Wednesday (low-fat ostrich burger, hurray!)
VI) Hanging with family in Kentucky Friday & Saturday!
VII) Did I mention no work???

Today my fortune cookie at China Cottage read: "Your job will be changing soon." Haha, I ate the cookie first, so I guess we'll see if legend is true. Pat gave me my The American West book back; ever since Tombstone, I want to read it. I will be getting Tombstone for my birthday - either through my parents or a hefty little Borders gift card from my aunt and uncle. Lee bought me Dog Day Afternoon with Al Pacino for my birthday; it's a classic, check it out. Lee's such a swell guy. Haha. Good-bye.

Today was great - after work. I got home, played around on the computer, then hung out with my cousins who came by for birthday celebrations. We ate hamburgers and chips and baked beans. I had chili for lunch. I enjoyed that. My cousins got me lots of incense, some really expensive kind from Colorado. I'm a big incense fan - unfortunately, no incense at CCU. Bummer. But anyways, I also got a book by Joshua Harris called Why I Kissed Dating Goodbye; I was told there are some really good points in it but it is really radical, more radical than necessary. I will see. I also got a book called The Complete Roman Army, which I've wanted for a long time, and some handy little Borders and 1/2 Price gift cards (cha-ching manana). I spent the rest of the day laughing with family and working on a short story. So right now it's 12:00 and I'm not really tired, so I think I will read Gods and Generals and go to bed. I know my posts haven't been too 'deep' lately, but I'm brain-dead, so who really cares. Good-bye. Tuna quesadilla tomorrow after church. Excitement broils just under the skin.

Last night we all sat down with hot wings and broccoli casserole and watched a wonderful movie, Tombstone. It might just be one I'll have to buy. All the actors are really good and bring these historical figures - Doc Halliday, Wyatt Earp, Morgan Earp - into life and turn them from textbook names and dates to real people with hopes and dreams and laughter and emotions. I kept thinking, and I know it sounds so foolish, "Wow, Wyatt Earp was a real guy. He's not just some comic-book super-hero. He really lived and did all this stuff!" A lot of times, I think, we make ourselves believe, whether we know it or not, that those famous people of history - George Washington, Robert E. Lee, Ulysses S. Grant, Wyatt Earp - were bigger-than-life heroes, when really they were ordinary people, just like you and me, who realized their potential and didn't live it down. You or I could be the next bigger-than-life hero, finding ourselves in the textbook pages, but that doesn't strip humanity off our shoulders. I might just be thinking too much.

In a little while, I will be driving to work. I work four hours today, six hours tomorrow, and I just hope I can survive it. It just feels like one of those couple of days when you just absolutely DREAD work, dread it with a passion. I hope I can get through it with a smile on my face.

I only worked four hours last night, but it felt like a lifetime. I only pray that Friday and Saturday won't be as long - but I have comfort in losing myself in the future if that happens. After work Saturday, we are having a family birthday over at our house. Sunday is always fun, with Base Camp and all that exciting stuff. All of next week I get to sleep in two hours because the freshmen and sophomores are taking graduation tests; the juniors and seniors get to skip out! Also next Tuesday is my birthday, and it will be made even better by sleeping in two hours and Marion's Pizza with a bunch of my friends (not for my birthday, but I will delude myself); Wednesday is China Cottage with my parents (they shall fall to my desires!) and Friday and Saturday we pack up and travel to Kentucky. So if I can bear through the next, oh, fifty hours, I'll be home free! Depression has been slipping in with every rift of the passing tide, so I must be on my guard.

I shall not be depressed today, I imagine. Dylan is coming over, and we are going to make low-fat, high-protein chicken quesadillas. As we eat our grindage - that's from Son in Law, all you Paulie Shore fans - we will lose ourselves in the movie, 28 Days Later, one of my favorites. Heh. I have a new favorite every other week, but at least it keeps me innovative. Around 7:00, I will be eating buffalo wings with some friends down near Olde Springboro, and we'll watch yet another movie, a surprise I am betting. I should be home by 10:00 or so. I might have to ditch the movie early, but I don't care.

After work last night, life was enjoyable. I took a shower, then snuggled into bed and read In the Name of Rome: The Men who Won the Roman Empire by Adrian Goldsworthy, one of the only military historians whose work is intriguing and not boring. I hope to get his other book, The Complete Roman Army, this Saturday, but if not, I won't die for it. I hope to make more of a practice of reading - go to bed an hour early, play some calming music, burn incense, and just read for an hour or two. I have so many books and so little time. I need to carve time into my life, I guess. Having no time, as they say, is just an illusion, a symptom of the disease of business and stress.

Last Sunday Roger spoke of how a grain of sand is irritating in the eye, but if you work with it a different way, it can become a pearl. As to all the heck floating around lately, I really do think pearls are developing.

Today was our "coffee day" - chess and coffee at Borders Books & Music. The wind was sheer and biting cold, littered with snowflakes and drifts of snow. More than once my Jeep slid on the roads. But we're like the postal service - rain, snow, hail, we're always there at Borders for steaming Java. Lee and Pat broke out on the chess board (I don't know who won) and I browsed H.P. Lovecraft books while Chris flipped through CDs. Lovecraft is kind of like a younger Edgar Allen Poe, of whom I am a fan. I am considering buying H.P. Lovecraft's works over the next couple months.

Chris and I bundled up and trekked over to 1/2 Price Books, where I looked for cheap Lovecraft, but instead found another favorite author, Jeff Shaara. I said, "Screw it," and bought all the Jeff Shaara books, of which I am quite excited. I really enjoy reading; lately my eyes have been catching lots of spiritual stuff (Willard, Eldredge, Kimball, Emergent YS...) but I am getting back into J.R.R. Tolkien, Stephen King, and some of my other favorite authors. I just really enjoy reading - there is nothing like diving into a story and feeling the twists and turns and exhilerations! I have one more Shaara book to get, and I still want the H.P. Lovecraft titles; my birthday is next week, and I am hoping for a Borders gift card, and I'm hoping Mom will buy me the last Shaara book for my birthday.

Small Group was excellent tonight, even though some of us were wiry and uncontrollable. We talked about growing in Christ, and lots of snazzy analogies, stories and semi-discussions sprung up. Ams made Jeff cookies, and I hope he enjoys them. Dylan and I hung out till about 8:30, laughing and chatting and listening to Rage Against the Machine and the soundtrack to 28 Days Later. Kristen, you still have my 28 Days Later DVD.