I find myself sitting in an abandoned prayer room at 9:00 at night, laptop stretched over me, a generator softly humming the background. All day today the Voice has beckoned me to prayer, yet something always seemed to get in the way, be it a distraction or a friend or a project, and I kept shoving the Voice deeper and deeper into the back of my plans. Then through a weird twist of events, I find myself sitting in a prayer room, all alone. I didn't even come in here for prayer! I guess God got tired of my laziness and just yanked me in.

So I prayed by writing. Maybe it is because so much of my life has been involved in writing, or maybe because writing is a gift God has given me, or maybe some other denizen of mystery is the culprit, but I am somehow able to formulate my words better on paper and the prayer even seems to become a bit more intimate. As a writer my heart naturally unfolds and perspires better on paper than through my words, and it is in my writing that I am able to articulate the groans and cries and exuberant praises of a soul on a journey with and for God.

I've been devoting lots of time to writing fiction. As of now, I am a chapter away from completing a 400-page Roman epic. I even have ideas for short stories jotted down and the first two chapters of my next fiction book written out. Yet I feel the Voice telling me that He has a greater calling for me than simply writing fiction. I believe He has endowed me with this gift for the sake of advancing His Kingdom, and I believe He calls me, in the future, to write spiritual books that bring His genuine and real message to those who've never heard it, or to those who've believed a false message. Having already completed one spiritual book, the forgotten gospel, I know how much a task it can be and is; the forgotten gospel took me eight months to write (and, let's be honest, I am sure there are some errors in it; I still have yet to get my Bible degree).

Yet God seems to be telling me NOT to wait, to write about what I KNOW, not spend all my time studying what I DON'T know to write a book LATER. I hear Him calling me write a short book on discipleship, founded completely in the gospels. Discipleship has been an interest of mine for a while and ever since writing a chapter on it in the forgotten gospel, I've always wanted to expand upon it. God seems to be calling me to do so; yet still unsure, I take it to Him in prayer.

Here I am again. I've been here before, many times. At first it was just my toes. The water felt cool and wonderful, and I yearned for more. Looking out at that wild blue tundra, my heart leapt and cried out. All I wanted to know was how to swim. Every part of me wanted to fall head-first into the water and take off. Yet my legs were numb and my heart befuddled. I knew that if I could swim, I could abandon the tip-of-the-toes theology and explore the vast reaches of the ocean, from its deepest depths to the way the sun sparkles on its horizon. But I couldn't do it without swimming. I didn't know how to swim, so I couldn't get anywhere. Everything appeared hopeless.

So I studied swimming. I threw out all pre-conceptions and chewed through several guides on swimming, and even poured my life into the book on swimming. The best swimmer of them all--the designer of swimming--even came to my aide. It was an exciting time; I learned that there was a right and a wrong way to swimming, and it surprised me that many thought they were swimming when they weren't--they ended up just doggy-paddling in place, going nowhere and drowning without knowing it, believing the whole time Wthey were on top of the game. The mystery of swimming began to unravel until it formed a mosaic masterpiece before me. It was then that I laughed out loud and shouted, "I got it!"

Yet I still needed to do it. I'd discovered the truth. But I hadn't actually gotten into the water and began swimming. The tips of my toes still dipped into the surf. Without hesitation I stepped forward, and the cool water rushed over my feet. I can tell you it felt so awesome! And I walked out a ways until the water lurched up to my ankles--and this is where I stand. I have moved forward, I know the swimming technique, the instructor is before me, urging me forward, but I am rooted in place, ankle-deep in the water.

Why have I stopped? I don't know. "Just dive in and swim!" I tell myself, but my muscles aren't so enthusiastic. I feel paralyzed. The great blue ocean calls me forward, calls me to an enchanted and wonderful existence, something so much better than the dry and parched desert from whence I came. It is odd; such a calling, and I find myself glancing back at the shore, at the hot desert with nothing to offer, and part of me wants to get out of the water and return to my dirty little hovel. Is it because I am afraid of the ocean, is it because I think I am being jipped, is it because I think I know what's best for me?

Part of me wants the desert when part of me wants the ocean. I can't have both. And I can't just stand here ankle-deep. This isn't the way it's supposed to be. I have to either get out of the water or submerge myself in it. If I keep glancing back at the shoreline, if I keep letting hesitation rule my ways, if I continue to second-guess everything I know, if I continue to take everything with a grain of salt... How will I ever experience what it is like to ride with dolphins, to explore coral reefs, to see amazing and beautiful creatures in the ocean's blackness? I will be stuck here ankle-deep, catching dead seaweed around my legs, and what kind of existence is that?

Some of you could be wondering, "What is college like for Anthony Jordan Barnhart?" To appease your inquisitive minds, let me tell you, as simply as I can. I invite you to take a walk with me through one day of my life here on campus.

Generally, I fall asleep somewhere between 11:00 PM and 2:00 AM, as is typical of the college life. I awake at seven o'clock or seven-thirty, depending on what classes I have that day, and I quickly shower. I like to brush my teeth in the shower, since the water is really warm. My roommate John wakes up ten minutes before his class starts. I don't think I could do that. I don't eat breakfast, but usually grab brunch between classes at the Hilltop Cafe--they have wonderful wraps and sandwiches. I like to finish all my studying before evening, because that's when we hang out and play video-games, sit on the hill and stare at the city, or go to Kroger or Wal-Mart, hitting up the popular joints. Throughout my day I visit the internet and work on my writing. I am currently working on The Sons of Mars, which I've been writing for eight months now.

I have met lots of fun and cool people here in Cincy. The people on my dorm are hilarious. I already knew John coming in, but I got to know others such as Forrest, Caleb, Nick, Brian, and familiars such as Cassie and Heather. I have also been enjoying the company of Jessica and Kim. Everyday I continue to meet more people--today I met two girls and I forget their names, but they were really nice to talk to.

Early Week was about the most boring week of my life, but now that it is past, things are getting exciting. I'm meeting lots of cool people, watching lots of cool movies, playing cool video games my roommate brought, going to Wal-Mart and Kroger and Applebee's (but being frugal with my money). Yesterday I had two papers to write and two worksheets to complete. Not too tough. My next class is in about an hour so I'm just eating lunch: a chipotle chicken wrap from the Hilltop Cafe.

During our first chapel, one of the worship songs really swept through me. It is called, I believe, "The King is Coming to Reign," and I have no idea who sings it. Usually my taste for this song is quite low, but God really whispered to me through the words. The lyrics that stuck out to me were these:

Life and salvation His empire shall bring
And joy to the nations when Jesus is King

For His returning we watch and we pray
We will be ready the dawn of that day
We'll join in singing with all the redeemed
'Cause Satan is vanquished and Jesus is King

It's easy to forget that this present world is not our home. The busy highways, the high-rise skyscrapers, the great museums of art and the hubbub of our day-to-day lives, this is not our home. Yet a lot of times we act as if it is. We live for the moment, live for the day, give no thought to tomorrow. Our eternity is rooted here on this earth, but not earth in its present form. Look out the window; what you see will, at the assigned time, be burnt up. Buildings, people, forests, everything will be destroyed by fire, just as the Flood destroyed everything it touched. When the earth is burnt up, the King who created it in the first place will create it again: a beautiful earth in a beautiful universe, restored to its original beauty and wonder! The King will walk with us, the King will give us jobs and homes and we will experience real life in Him. Our lives will be worship, our lives praises to the King, for Satan is no longer, and Jesus is King.

My lectio divina this morning found root in Psalm 34, and as usual, God's voice rang loud and clear. Many of the verses stuck out to me and formed a collage with a message: sometimes we can fall into the trap of seeing God as a cruel taskworker, as someone who simply demands obedience because He can, or we see God as a stoic God who is unfeeling and emotionless, whose love towards us is entirely political and because-He-has-to. But God told me in Psalm 34, "No, that's not the way it is at al!! I do require obedience, but the emotions you experience are the same I experience, and My love for you is not political, it is real and honest and true!"

God met me more than halfway, he freed me from my anxious fears. - v. 4

Look at him, give him your warmest smile, never hide your feelings from him. - v. 5

When I was desperate, I called out, and God got me out of a tight spot. - v. 6

God keeps an eye on his friends, his ears pick up every moan and groan. - v. 15

Is anyone crying for help? God is listening, ready to rescue you. - v. 17

If your heart is broken, you'll find God right there; if you're kicked in the gut, he'll help you catch your breath. - v. 18

Disciples so often get into trouble; still, God is there every time. - v. 19

He's your bodyguard, shielding every bone; not even a finger gets broken. - v. 20

And perhaps my favorite:

God pays for each slave's freedom; no one who runs to him loses out. - v. 22

After running to I.G.A. for some cereal and--God forgive the glutton--Krispie-Kremes, I sat down with my Lucky Charms and opened the front page to see a snippet from an article in the Life section. On page 3 in Life it reads at the top of the page: "GOD gets in the game." What is this, you ask?

Christian companies are marketing Christian video games to the masses. The very first one coming out is called called Catechuman, where your mentor and brethren has been captured by demon-possessed Roman soldiers, and you have to work through the catacombs to free them. No joke; the description even included the demon-possessed part. I laughed for hours inside. A game by Godly Games, called Victory at Hebron, revolves around the defeat of Jericho and the Amorites, and Joshua and Caleb's journey to Hebron. Somehow the developers are able to keep out the violence of ancient war, and I wonder, then, "What's the point of the game?"

Marketers for the game say they want to use the game to draw in people of all ages and thereby expose them to Christianity and theology. Tim Emmerich, president of Graceworks Inc., says, "We see developing Christian games as a unique opportunity to expose game players, especially younger ones, to important aspects of Christianity in an interactive environment."

Another, very popular game soon to come out uses the same graphics used in the popular games such as Halo and Grand Theft Auto; this game is called Left Behind: Eternal Forces, based on the popular fiction--fiction, please understand--of Tim LaHaye and Jerry Jenkins. Troy Lyndon, in charge of the Left Behind game, says this: "The purpose of Left Behind Games will be to entertain, reveal mysteries and evangelize. Ultimately, gamers will decide what they prefer." In my mind, Halo may have more eternal truths woven into it than Left Behind. But that's just me.

So now not only are we adding another section to the growing Christian subculture (Christian fiction, Christian movies, Christian music, Christian t-shirts, Christian TV, and now Christian video-games) but we're doing it all in the name of spreading bad theology? Sorry all you Left-Behind folk, let me put it bluntly: Tim LaHaye and Jerry Jenkins are wrong.

During Crank's Creek, Jimmy, Jeff and I were sitting in the eating area as the sun was going down beyond the mountains, and Jeff asked me, "Are you going to go become a monk on us?" I smiled and said, "I've actually thought about it several times." Sometimes I still do. I've written thoughts in journals, I've had conversations with friends, I've poured through books written by ancient and modern-day monks, monks from Germany to San Diego. Something inside me, perhaps something unnameable, makes my heart beat faster at the thought of becoming a monk. For me, everything (well, almost everything, the celibacy thing isn't that great) seems wonderful in the apple of my eye: a simple life, living by the fruit of your own hands, spending time developing friendships with other people and developing intimacy with God. A life all but void of stress and anxiety and worry, where you can begin to really feel the joy and fullment and satisfaction of Christ. Isn't it wonderful?

But I believe God has different plans for me, different desires for my life and future. He calls me to integrate these spiritual desires into my studies and eventual career as a servant of His. As I experience college, as I move throughout my life, I must figure out how to 'be a monk' in spirit and really develop my intimacy with God. How can a simple life focused on God and others, in that order, become paramount in my scholarly studies and in my career for which I prepare? How can I regularly come into the presence of the King in order to be transformed and drawn closer to Him as I study for tests, explore the anatomy of the human psyche, and drink coffee in the cafeteria? How can I be seen by others as having the spirit of a monk: a quiet and holy man whose primary love is God, following God others, and lastly himself? This is the life Christ calls us to: complete abandonment to Him, surrendering everything and following Him, trusting Him, walking His narrow Way.

I learned an interesting technique in psychology. It's called self-hypnosis and it's really cool. I did it four or five times in my own dorm room via the internet. If you want to check it out, this is what you do. Click here to access the hypnotic spiral. When you do, stare at the spiral's center for twenty seconds. Be sure to make yourself comfortable and clear your mind. When the twenty seconds is up, look up and gaze across the room or at a friend's face. What you'll see might scare you. It is pretty eerie. Don't worry, this isn't the "talk-like-a-duck and moo-like-a-cow" hypnosis. This is the first stage of hypnosis that police use to dredge memories from a person's subconscious. Really, really cool stuff. I recommend you try it out, only take about half a minute.

The most depressing thing happened today. When I moved in on Saturday, Chris and I went to the dining hall and I found the most amazing cappucinos for free. An idea struck me, so I returned home and grabbed a coffee mug that could be taken to class. All day today I sat in class learning about conductor cells and axons and the branches of axons, I forget what they're called, thinking only of me sitting at lunch with the hot coffee. Jay Kidwell lets us off early so I rush down to the mess hall, stand in line for ten minutes, and eventually I am able to stand before the coffee machine, unscrewing my lid with a giant smile. The world is turning smoothly as I set the coffee mug under the dispenser. Nothing could be better, all my worries are drained away. The button is pressed. Were someone to be watching me, they would've seen my shoulders slump, my eyes burn, my smile depreciate into a wicked grimace. Hot water poured into my cup. How depressing! You coffee-lovers, much like me, would be weeping in such an instance. I back up, in a daze, completely stunned, and some of the hot water - why not coffee? It's a flippin coffee machine! - spills all over me. I try to recalibrate my stumble but water just goes all over. After getting some barbecued chicken, I am forced to set down the coffee mug and instead pour a glass of orange juice. Unfortunately, orange juice has never tasted worse.

Let me be completely honest: it isn't too exciting down here. There's only about twenty of us freshmen, and of the four people on my floor, three of us either sleep all the time or hole up and don't come out. I have my door open and it's resulted in some meager conversation before my companions on 4-North retreat to their own rooms. At least there isn't a whole lot of free time; classes range anywhere from 8-5, and I know tonight I will have to study for a test. I am just thankful my psychology class is interesting.

To pass the time, Jessica, Kim and I have traveled up to Springboro over the last two days. I don't know if they'll be going up again, but I plan on staying down here. I know my aunt is coming Thursday and Friday I will be returning home for one night. Now I need to get ready for class at 8:30, but I just wanted to fill everybody in on what is going down here in Cincinnati. Oh, and we got lost in Price Hill yesterday looking for a BP station, and we saw a drug deal unfold on the corner. At the local Wal-Mart people get shot and stabbed so often that police patrol inside-and-out. Kind of gives you an idea of the location the school is in...

My internet connection isn't up yet, so I trekked over to the coffee shop and found internet. It smells like paradise in here, it is simplu wonderful. I haven't met the guys on my floor, there's been so many activities, and right now I am with Chris. Jessica and Kim are going to join us later and I think we're going to Wal-Mart. Chris and I may watch the movie Gladiator tonight. Exciting, eh? I haven't got the digital pictures yet, working on that, it may be a while. My laziness factor weighs in heavy. I am getting the vibe that college will be a wonderful experience.

Angie made homemade pizza at her house yesterday, then served up s'mores on a great big bonfire. Hague, Dylan, Tyler, Ashlie, Megan, Anna, Emily and I all swam, and us guys ended up in the middle of a floatie war, hitting each other with floaties, and Tyler accidentally picked one up that had dripping-wet nylon cords on it and he hit me all over the body with it; next time you see me, look at my neck. It's horrendous. I grabbed it from him and he asked, "What? Did it hurt?" So I said, "Come here." But he was already high-tailing it for the wall to climb out; I swam after him and was able to give him a taste as he climbed out. His back looks a little shot. We both laughed.

We celebrated this party, I believe, for Megan, who at C.I.Y. last week decided to be baptized. It really was an awesome moment then, and so many of us wanted to cry, hugs all around. Megan's been a vital part of our youth group, and we could see that the Enemy was ticked when he tried to turn everyone against one another; luckily, after we licked our wounds, we saw the trap and made up. Doubtless the Enemy will be at work in Megan's life as she is raised from the water, raised into the newness of life. It's not something to be scared of; it's a baptism of fire. The Roman soldier, after all his training, being marched into battle. It's really heroic.

I found this smazzy radio station on AOL where it plays sweet soundtrack music. A really good deal. Right now I'm listening to streaming Gladiator music, and while I actually have it saved on the Inspiron, there's some beauty to hear it coming through my speakers from a radio station. Dylan, you might want to check this out, I know you like this kind of music, too.

I am going to get ready, eat a last breakfast (eggs sound so good right now, but who knows?), pack up the van, and head off to college. I am taking a digital camera to take pictures of my dorm and throw up on the blog so everyone knows exactly where I am. I am nervous, but not a scared nervous; an excited nervous. Not nervous as in the moments before taking the test for a driving license or during the last walk to the electric chair; this nervous is the nervousness felt when you finally get that license and you sit down inside your brand-new car and insert the keys, an excited nervousness that will no doubt greet me when I stand on the shores of paradise with Christ at my side. And these words God tells me over and over, a whisper in my ear, banishing all fear:

"So be content with who you are, and don't put on airs. God's strong hand is on you, he'll promote you at the right time. Live carefree before God; he is most careful with you." - 1 Peter 5:6-7

I'm almost done packing. The only personal entertainment effects I'm taking with me are my books and some clay pots that look like they were from ancient Rome, and one that is a water-pot that could come right out of John 4. Also a few DVDs and VHS's, nothing too fancy. All the nervousness has been replaced with excitement. Last night my dad and I made a fire and talked about college and he said he was scared to death and yet his college years were exciting, too. I told him, "Well, I've got the upper-hand since I'm not scared." Maybe that will factor into my ability to make friends and such.

Mom and I shopped a little bit more today, also ate some Chinese at her favorite restaurant. Dewenter just showed up and we're going to The Flower Factory because he needs something from there, then tonight is the Senior High party right before I leave. Dewenter is dating my sister. Honestly, I don't know how I feel about that. Mixed feelings I guess.

Next time I post I will be an official college student.

Yesterday was spent at Paramount's King's Island with a handful of Junior Highers. This is my last "activity" of my internship, though I am going into the "office" today and my official last day is not until Sunday. I have really enjoyed this internship, this experience, getting to know these kids and having fun with them. I've also recognized more and more that youth ministry--as well as any ministry, I believe--is not so much about clever little sermons or good Bible studies, but building relationships and, through those relationships, showing others the Kingdom, inviting others into the Kingdom.

King's Island was a fun time and part of me is sad and yet another part of me is excited. The internship ends because college has sprung upon me. As I rode on the swings yesterday with some kids, I closed my eyes and felt extremely happy that while the fun at King's Island would end--with aching feet, no doubt--this is not the end, but the very beginning. In four years I hope to graduate from college with a degree in youth ministry, and I plan on landing a job somewhere at a smaller church where I can really invest my time into these kids. God has been showing me more and more that He has designed me to be a youth minister; perhaps that is why He's made me so crazy and weird, as all my friends and acquaintances will vouch for.

We got back from C.I.Y. late afternoon yesterday. It was an amazing conference, a wonderful experience. God's voice came to me in a myriad of ways and God even showed me his voice through coincidences and other little things that made me smile. I've been struggling with worries about the future, not just about college, and the more and more I try to ensure my future will go according to my plans, the more stress I receive, the more depression creeps up, and I only worry more and more. God has told me, "If you try to save your life, you will lose it. But if you lose your life for my sake, you will find it." So He's been calling me to 'lose my life' to Him; surrender everything--everything--and let Him work in His ways. He'll make things happen, He can do a much better job than I can. He's promised me His plans aren't bad, but they're good and wonderful, a plan of joy and prosperity. He keeps reiterating that last part, too.

Mom and I went shopping for college today. We stopped at several stores: The Flower Factory, Target, Drug-Mart. We spent a lot of money, and she'd probably murder me if I wrote on here exactly how much. But it all goes to a good end (me, haha). I am getting more and more excited about college. My last day 'at home' is Friday, as I move into Cincinnati Christian University on Saturday. Oh, and Mom took me to my favorite restaurant: Red Lobster! They're food is amazing and I salivate at the thought of those cheddar bay biscuits...