On The Ooze I ran into a fellow who brought up an interesting point. The question was, "How do we help out those who have had sex before marriage and feel guilty about it?" Wonderful points were brought up, and then there was one post with the suggestion, "Tell them to stop feeling bad because there's nothing wrong with it." I emailed him asking him what he meant by that, and he gave me two websites to check out promoting that premarital sex is not sinful. If you're interested (and they ARE interesting) they are Liberated Christians and Free Christians.

In reading over the material, and admitting that they had some very good points (often we integrate norms and moreys in society into our religion and build values from them), it seemed to me that they were saying premarital sex is O.K. just because scripture never tells us not to do it. One thing that did bother me was that they said that premarital sex is a form of loving others, "and isn't that what Jesus called us to do?"

I agree that we often take social do's and don't's and tie them into religion. "Bad words" is an example. Nowhere in scripture are we commanded to avoid using certain words. We are called to avoid corrupt talk and slander, but this is something completely different from using "bad words" in our speech (however, because of social concerns, I avoid using bad language). Yet can we say that premarital sex as wrong is just a tradition? I don't think so. I think premarital sex is wrong because it doesn't fulfill but rather violates Christ's command to love others in several ways:

1) It degrades the worth of the opposite sex. They become mere sex-objects and mere sex-toys, not real human beings with feelings, emotions, consciences and souls.

2) It dishonors future spouses; this flies right in the face of love. Premarital sex often wreaks mischievious havoc in even strong marriages.

4) It dishonors our bodies - do I even need to mention how it might hurt us physically, emotionally, spiritually, mentally? I have many friends, especially at college, who have fallen into this sin, and it weighs on them emotionally, so much that it physically hurts.

5) It draws us to be ruled by our own selfish desires rather than us being led by Christ.

And, mostly:

6) Premarital sex does not have anything to do with Christ's love. Premarital sex, as I understand it, is driven by mere passion and impatience, driven by selfish lust. The "love" in that is a selfish, lustful love. The love that Christ embodies is a selfless, serving, sacrificial, and kind agape love. How can such promiscuous sex be Christ's love when it is inherently selfish? I am dedicated to sacrificing short-term pleasures for my future wife and serving her now by avoiding lust as much as I can. Premarital sex disgregards my future wife and treats her as "just another", not the "one" whom God has for me.

One very good question the Oozer handed to me through his return email: "Should we be anymore concerned with [premarital sex] than with any other sin (such as gluttony, envy, pride, etc.)?" We all know it happens--certain sins are put on a pedestal while others are nearly disregarded (how many Christians will shake their heads at an unwed mother while scarfing down four hundred twinkies?). My reply is thus: "We need a better understanding of sin and we need to just love everybody, regardless of what they've done, what they're doing, or what they're going to do."

As for me, I am thankful I'm a virgin. I hope to keep it that way (and I'm sure that if my future wife were reading my blog, she would be quite the happy camper). These are just some thoughts :). I always claim to be a liberal Christian, but maybe some of my conservatism has shown through here.

We drove over the bridge from Covington into Nati yesterday, and when I looked up and saw the campus on the hill with its lime-green roofs, and when I saw the dorm that is my home, I realized how much I miss it. Going into last semester, I was freaking out, worried sick about it all. I was calm on the outside, but on the inside I was a raging inferno of anxiety. I was wondering if this was the right place for me or not. Now my heart tells me that, yes, it is. I miss all the hang-out times in the coffeeshop, dining hall, and student lounge, lying back in the chairs or shooting pool or just drinking coffee. I miss all the laughter in the dorms, all the long nights of hanging out, all the deep discussions and all the petty conversations. I miss the hilariousness that greets me every night, the hilariousness that defies explanation. I miss having all the game systems and DVDs I could desire at my fingertips. I miss the trips to Skyline Chili and Applebee's. I miss driving to Wal-Mart and Kroger with Brian and Caleb. I miss the journeys down into Newport, and all the wild and crazy things we've done. I miss it all. It's the life God has given me and I thank Him for it.

Don't think that I hate being at home. I absolutely love my family, absolutely love all my great friends: Chris, Lee, Pat, Hague, Ashlie, Dylan, Tyler... oh, and John Hancock. Sometimes it gets a little boring, sure, but my night-times are often underscored with movies with friends, going to Starbucks, or just contemplating life. One thing is for sure: I can't wait for January 1 to return. If I didn't teach on Sunday, I'd go back Saturday night after work! I imagine Brian and I will treat ourselves to some Applebee's that Sunday night.

Christmas was fantastic, by the way. I got so many incredible books, such as the Chronicles of Narnia and C.S. Lewis' signature classics. One of my favorites is a Jewish Bible and Jewish New Testament commentary from my grandma. Oh, and Battlefront II - what a sweet game. One of the highlights of Christmas was watching my Aunt Susan and two little cousins celebrate Hanukkah. They lit the menorah and read off some Hebrew. It was really awe-inspiring. It reminded me of the Siege of Masada for some reason. Sometimes I wish I was a Messianic Jew.

In my studies of Paul's letters, in nearly every letter I come to the issue of salvation--is it by faith or works? This was a huge issue in the early Church, spawning Judaized legalists and those who, like the Nicolaitans (Revelation 2), used God's grace as an excuse to do whatever they wanted. Paul's letter to the Galatians points out the flaws of both approaches and reveals where works fall into salvation. Since this is something that interests me--and because it's still a big deal in our own culture--I've decided to inscribe how works fits into salvation.

We are saved by grace through faith. That is the constant war-cry of Paul in this matter. This faith, which John MacArthur calls "saving faith," naturally produces repentance and discipleship. In other words, if our faith in Christ is genuine--if it's the faith that Christ calls for--then repentance and discipleship will follow. With that said, it makes sense that if there is no repentance or no discipleship, then there is no saving faith, and therefore no salvation. A lot of people think that there's no way to tell if someone's really a part of Christ's Kingdom, but over and over in scripture we see that, yes, there are ways to see if someone has been cleansed by Christ.

Repentance is, at its heart, a change of mind and heart towards sin that reveals itself in outward manifestations of that inward change. In layman's terms, repentance is one being "turned off" by sin, and this "turn off" is seen by the person avoiding sin and giving up sin, not so much because they have to, but because they want to. The fruits of repentance include crucifying the sinful nature--that selfish, greedy, hateful, inborne nature within us--and embracing and living out of and being guided by the Spirit nature--the selfless, sacrificial, serving, kind, agape, and divine nature growing inside of us through Christ. If one is repentant, it doesn't mean he or she is by any means perfect. The sinful and Spirit natures are constantly at war; yet there will be in the person's life a genuine hunger for righteousness and a genuine desire and will to turn from rebellion against God, to turn to God and His Way.

Discipleship, in relational terms, is submitting to Christ, making Him the Guide of our lives, letting Him teach us how to live, where to go, who to be. From this Savior-Guide, we learn the Art of Living, for He is the ultimate Master of Living. He teaches us, rebukes us, and raises us to engage in and spread His Kingdom more and more. The fact that we are disciples shows that we are never going to have it all together; if we were to eventually have it all together, then we would graduate from being disciples--students--to Masters. Yet Christ is always the Master, and we are always the students.

Does repentance save us? No. Does discipleship save us? No. It is by grace through faith that we are saved, not by our works, which include repentance and discipleship. Yet true saving faith--the faith that Christ is speaking of when He says, "All who believe in Me will be saved"--will naturally produce repentance and discipleship. The role of works in a Christian's life is evidence that he or she has embraced Christ, His Kingdom, and His salvation.

Although my public speaking class is over, I can easily recall most of the spiritual sermons that were delivered (mine was on lectio divina, and I posted it on this blog sometime ago). The majority of the sermons focused on evangelism (except for one, which focused on intimacy with God; I loved it!), and the common thread, the common statement, made by those giving the speeches, was that evangelism means convincing people that they're going to Hell but God's got a ticket for them to go to Heaven. It made me cringe in my seat. While those speaking are certainly not wrong, they're missing the bigger picture.

Leading a house church sometime ago, the question came up in discussion, "What is salvation?" There was silence throughout the room and I thought to myself, "You've got to be kidding me: we're talking about evangelism and no one can define salvation?" Finally, one of my friends piped, "Does it mean we're going to Heaven?" I told her, quite frankly, "Heaven's a part of it, sure. But it's not the entirety of salvation, though many think it is." So we took the time to diverge from the topic of evangelism and dived into the topic of "What is salvation?"

In order to answer that question, one must look at the reason why Christ came. Christ was the Messiah. This means that He was the One sent by God to "set things right" between God and man. If something has to be "set right," then it must be broken. So what is broken? If we look in Genesis, we see that there are three intimacies that existed before the Fall: intimacy with God, intimacy with each other, and intimacy with creation. Come the Fall, these intimacies were shattered. All throughout the Old Testament, we see God trying to rekindle intimacy with His people, the Jews, but they, for the most part, don't want it; and for those who do, sin keeps getting in the way. 2000 years ago Christ came, showed us what real life was like, then died a servant's death and rose again. Through his death, we are forgiven. This forgiveness means that we can now be intimate with God, intimate with others, and intimate with creation. This is the Kingdom of God in all its trappings!

Salvation, then, is reconciliation with God. It is deliverance from a dead life and entrance into a real life. It is our lives being "set right" with God, with others, and with creation. Salvation is us being reunited with Christ in His Kingdom, a Kingdom which exists now among us and in us and continues into eternity. Where do Heaven and Hell fit in? Heaven and Hell are the continuations of the life we choose to live now. If we choose to become a part of Christ's Kingdom, our eternal destiny is in a new heavens and new earth, a paradise, alongside all of the renewed creation, alongside all the others who followed Christ, and alongside the Triune God. If we choose to deny the Kingdom, if we choose to deny Christ, we will live outside God's Kingdom for all eternity, and that is Hell.

And all of this is possible not through being better people, not through our own willpower or determination, but through the beautiful grace of Christ:

You are everything that is bright and clean, and you're covering me with your majesty. And the truest sign of grace was this: from wounded hands redemption fell down, liberating man. - David Crowder, "Wholly Yours"

sin and the Kingdom

Over the past several weeks, I have been studying the Pauline Epistles (the letters of Paul) in-depth. Last month I looked at his letter to the Galatians, and fell absolutely in love with "The Book of Freedom," as my college pal Rob calls it. I found it very eye-opening to what freedom in Christ really means (not license to do as we please, but the freedom to live a selfless, sacrificial, serving, humble, and all-encompassing loving life in a fallen world). Having finished Galatians, I didn't think Ephesians would be so fantastic. Yet I have fallen in love with Ephesians all over again! In my mind, Ephesians is one of the greatest works that shows us what the Kingdom-life looks like in our individual and community lives.

Throughout all of Paul's letters, especially Ephesians, Paul talks about something called the "Kingdom-life." It is, overall, a life of selflessness, a life of sacrifice, a life of agape love, a life of humility and servitude, a life of mercy, grace, forgiveness, compassion, and empathy. It is the Christ-like life. In Ephesians, he shows us what this Kingdom-life looked like in ancient Ephesus. As I read Ephesians, I can't help but feel my heart flutter. I can't help but long for this life, can't help but to embrace this life. I want the Kingdom-life in all its splendor! But at the same time, I experience a feeling of hopelessness and despair; for I know I will never be able to model the life Paul describes, the Kingdom-life, in its complete state. I will excel at some areas and fall at others. I will never (at least not in this lifetime) be able to fully live the Kingdom-life, no matter how hard and fast I pursue it.

Does God expect us to fulfill it completely? No. He's realistic. He knows that we are weak-willed creatures who are influenced by the flesh. He knows we are imperfect and still fighting the sinful nature. He knows, simply, that we are not Christ, even if His Spirit is within us. Paul knows this so very well. In his letter to Rome, he writes (the Message):

I'm full of myself--after all, I've spent a long time in sin's prison. What I don't understand about myself is that I decide one way, but then I act another, doing things I absolutely despise. So if I can't be trusted to figure out what is best for myself and then do it, it becomes obvious that God's command is necessary... But I need something more! For if I know the law but still can't keep it, and if the power of sin within me keeps sabatoging my best intentions, I obviously need help! I realize that I don't have what it takes. I can will it, but I can't do it. I decide to do good, but I don't really do it; I decide not to do bad, but then I do it anyway. My decisions, such as they are, don't result in actions. Something has gone wrong deep within me and gets the better of me every time... It happens so regularly that it's predictable. The moment I decide to do good, sin is there to trip me up. I truly delight in God's commands, but it's pretty obvious that not all of me joins in that delight. Parts of me covertly rebel, and just when I least expect it, they take charge. (14-23)

Paul shares in my emotions. He is in love with the Kingdom-life ("I truly delight in God's commands") but he can't live it out fully. He experiences the trauma of sin just as I do: tripping me up, getting the best of me when I least expect it, sabatoging the best of my intentions. Every morning I awake, confident about how I am going to go about my day; when I lie down at night, my sin stares me in the face. Sometimes only one or two sins stare me down, sometimes four or five; yet I always know that I sin far more than I know. The sin I most often remember is the sin that culminates in acts--acts of lust, acts of jealousy, acts of anger, acts of judgment. Yet I know that there are deeper sins within me that I cannot even begin to feel, sins in thoughts and attitudes, etc. I often feel like I am going nowhere, that my spiritual change is stale, that I am not trusting God enough. Sometimes I think (falsely) that if I were a "better Christian," then I would be free from sin. The truth is, everyone sins, rich and poor, high and low, everyone. As Paul's letter continues, we see Paul lamenting his own imperfect condition (I easily find myself in his position):

I've tried everything and nothing helps. I'm at the end of my rope. Is there no one who can do anything for me? Isn't that the real question? The answer, thank God, is that Jesus Christ can and does. He acted to set things right in this life of contradictions where I want to serve God with all my heart and mind, but am pulled by the influence of sin to do something totally different. (24-25)

Left to our own devices, we're screwed. It's a good thing the Judaizers Paul shot down in Galatians aren't right, because if they are, then no one's a part of the Kingdom. We're all so very imperfect. We are powerless to help ourselves; we've "tried everything and nothing helps." Yet Christ came, He showed us how life is meant to be lived, and He died a selfless death so that we could become a part of His Kingdom, imperfect as we are. The grace of Christ cleanses us; we are veiled in His righteousness (our own "righteousness" is as dirty as oil-stained washrags). Christ forgives our sin: the sin of the past, the sin of the present, the sin of the future. He welcomes us into His Kingdom! But He doesn't just leave us forgiven; He also changes us, ever so slowly. A year ago, I was very different from now. My intimacy with God wasn't as deep; I couldn't hear His voice as much; we weren't so close. Now I am more intimate with Him, I can hear His voice, and we're growing closer each day. Yet I still sin, even though I don't want to. And I will always sin.

So the question, then, is obvious: what do I do? I can't hope to be free of sin in this lifetime, so do I just say, "Screw it," throw in the keys, and live life however I want? No! Just because I know I am imperfect doesn't mean that I don't want to be perfect. I want to live the Kingdom-life, and I pursue it. I seek the Kingdom, as Christ calls us to do. Will I mess up? Heck yes. I will sin every day, in different ways. Over time, I will conquer some sin, only to find others that I didn't recognize flaring their colors.

If we claim that we're free of sin, we're only fooling ourselves. A claim like that is errant nonsense. On the other hand, if we admit our sins--make a clean breast of them--he won't let us down; he'll be true to himself. He'll forgive our sins and purge us of all wrongdoing. If we claim that we've never sinned, we out-and-out contradict God--make a liar out of him. A claim like that only shows off our ignorance of God. - 1 John 1:8-10 (the Message)

I pursue the Kingdom. I pursue God. I pursue a life of selfless, sacrifical, serving, and kind agape love. I make Christ the Lord of my life in the sense that I allow Him to guide me in all my affairs. Will I often not heed His guidance and do something contrary to His Way? Yes. But I confess my sin, I acknowledge my sin, and He cleanses me, and invites me to enter the Kingdom deeper and deeper. And at the same time, I do not look down on others for their sin, nor do I judge or condemn. I lovingly embrace in understanding, sharing their burdens, because I am no different. We pursue the Kingdom together.

Live creatively, friends. If someone falls into sin, forgivingly restore him, saving your critical comments for yourself. You might be needing forgiveness before the day's out. Stoop down and reach out to those who are oppressed. Share their burdens, and so complete Christ's law. If you think you are too good for that, you are badly deceived. - Galatians 6:1-3 (the Message)

I've finished Book Two of the A New Kind of Christian Trilogy. Thanks to Mike for getting me into the rut of Brian McLaren! I thought this book was very well thought-out, very well written, and deserving of five stars. While I don't agree with everything McLaren writes, there are a few things I agree with and love about this book:

1) I've always loved dinosaurs, and there's always been that tension between Creation and Evolution, and how incompatible evolution is with God. Walking the halls my Junior Year at High School, I was almost horrified that I believed, deep-down, that evolution was true, and I was countering this belief by digesting as much "creation science" literature as possible. It wasn't until my Senior Year, through conversations with my Astronomy teacher, that I came to understand that evolution is not incompatible with God. Brian McLaren's extensive dealings with this subject has helped me to understand--and rest easily within the knowledge--that evolution is one of God's coolest creations.

2) This book revolves around, ironically, "the story we find ourselves in." So often we forget that we're submerged in a story, and we're a part of the story, whether we're on the "good" side or the "bad" side (not to draw lines, but that's how it is: everyone is a part of the story; no one can exempt). I had never understood much of this Story until I picked up John Eldredge's EPIC or read C.S. Lewis' The Chronicles of Narnia. Here is another book I would recommend to those struggling to understand where they fit in the cosmos.

3) I love McLaren's works on the Final Judgment. Nearly an entire chapter or two is dedicated to it. In one small group about a year and a half ago, we were talking about Judgment Day and Christ's Return, and someone said, "I'm scared because all of my bad sins will be revealed." I told them, "I don't think so. I think that when God looks at us, He'll see Christ, and on top of that, all the beautiful and good contributions we made to His Kingdom." McLaren expounds on this.

4) What I like the most about this book is McLaren's focus on the Kingdom and the Church, and how the two are interconnected. He returns the Church to its roots: a body of people who are living in the Kingdom, living the Kingdom together, and inviting people into the Kingdom. Sidenote: McLaren's dealings with the Kingdom of God in A New Kind of Christian, as well as Dallas Willard's outlooks on the Kingdom in The Divine Conspiracy, are great supplements to this.

5) Finally, I like the fact that one of the main characters died of cancer in the end. Not to be morose or anything, but I think that too many "Christian inspiration" books revolve around people becoming Christians and their entire lives being miraculously fixed. At 3rd Place tonight, Mike said, and I paraphrase, "Becoming a Christian does not mean that our life will suddenly become all happy and wonderful." God entered the character's lif--and redeemed her life by bringing her into His Kingdom--but the effects of life continued to wear down on her. In the end, however, God was with her through her suffering and was there beckoning her into paradise.

I know many of the people who read my blog have read this book. Any input is coveted.

It's official: I'm addicted.

I've never been a fan of R.P.G. games, so when Dave told me that I'd better not play Morrowind because I'd get addicted, I laughed him off and installed it. He was right. This game is simply amazing. You can create your own character and live your own life, go on quests or just settle down. The graphics are beautiful, too; not too shabby! I am presently a monk who lives in a large mansion-like cathedral, sneaking around at night to steal people's money and equipment, and in the daytime walking around in my robe, chatting it up with the villagers. There's so much land to explore, too. It's just amazing... It's got my vote without question. Maybe even better than Rome: Total War, and that means a lot.

Today was my first day working at I.G.A. in about five months. While I'm not gonna lie--I'm not a fan of the job--it was nice to hang out and talk with the other workers whom I've missed. As I rang up orders and bagged groceries and walked the lot checking for stray grocery carts, I couldn't help but look back on how much has changed. In my journal a week or two ago, I wrote, "Everything changes so fast." In five months, so much has changed:

Crank's Creek 2005 is over. So is C.I.Y. 2005. The Junior High Excursion came and went. I moved into college and met so many great people: Brian, Caleb, John, Forest, Alex, Rob, Nick, Corey Isaac, Aaron, Todd... Don't forget Rochelle, Cassie, Leann, Courtney, Jessica, Kim, Ashley D. When I left I.G.A. in July, I had no idea who Ashley Ryan was; now she's become a good part of my life. I've comprehensively studied the Book of Acts, taken a college psychology course, enjoyed an ancient Greek/Roman history class, and had to memorize much of ancient Israel's geography and culture. Plus I've finished two great books: The Rose of Sharon and Flowers Quickly Fading.

Walking through I.G.A., I wondered, "How much will have changed after the close of next semester?" Who will my new friends be, what will I have learned, what books will I have completed... And the question that haunts me the most, "Will I finally have a girlfriend?" I'm a bleeding-heart romantic. I feel incomplete without "her" even though I do not know who "she" is!

a chapter has passed...

August-October: I met a girl named Ashley. I really liked her. I thought she was pretty and loved her personality, and I wanted to develop a friendship. However, I thought, "Why would she ever want to be a friend with me?" I was struggling through self-esteem issues (I've passed that for now) and could not summon up the courage to talk to her. I eventually said, "It's official: I'll never be able to talk to that girl."

December 15, 2005: Ashley, Leann and I met in the cafeteria for lunch before our Bible Lands exam. We talked and ate and studied. The exam sucked. I dropped off a letter in Ashley's box before I headed home. It talked about how our friendship had evolved, how I came to love her as an adopted sister, even though we had some rough spots in the relationship, and it closed off with a humble benediction. She probably is not coming back next semester. While that is entirely depressing, I am thankful that God let us meet and enabled a solid, genuine friendship to emerge. I see her as one of my greatest college gems thus far. I call her my big sister and she calls me her big brother. We talked on the phone after she got the letter, and she told me she was driven to tears by it. I find it amazing that I could be so close to a girl whom I had given up hope of ever knowing as a friend. Despite her absence, we are keeping in touch--we have cell phones, email, and snail mail. As it appears, a chapter in my life has ended, and I greet the next one with arms wide open...

Some new and unfortunate developments in my friendship with Ashley have negated the former pact of spending time apart in order to foster friendship. Because of financial aid, she's probably not going to be coming here next semester. Instead, she's probably going to get a job this spring and start at a college in Indiana the fall semester of 2006, studying to become a forensic scientist. She knows it's a lot of work but, secondary to overseas missions, it's her underlying passion. This is a hard time for her, and both of us are praying that God will guide her to wherever He wants her. I felt God telling me, "Just spend all the time you can with her." So that's what I'm doing, more-or-less.

Last night me, Ashley, Courtney, Krystle, Leann and Forest all swapped presents. I only thought I was supposed to get gifts for Ashley, so I purchased her a wooden pirate ship off Ebay and bought her a pirate book from 1/2 Price. My gifts, coming from Leann, Courtney, and Ashley, included a dinosaur puzzle, a dinosaur keychain, a dinosaur figurine, and from Ashley: a journal and a stuffed penguin. She knows how much I like to journal and how much I like penguins (secondary to dinosaurs, yet up there with koalas).

I showed up early to my Public Speaking exam, so Dr. Edmerson just had me help him set up some of those lighted Christmas lawn deer, then said, "Have a nice break." The rest of the students will have to take a paper exam. Nice to be overly punctual, I guess.

I am almost finished with The Story We Find Ourselves In. While I don't agree with everything McLaren's character Neo points out, I do find the book very enlightening, very thought-provoking, and in many ways, revolutionary. I love his words on Christ, the Church, and mission.

So I am sitting here in my dorm room, about to go to Wal-Mart at 12:53, and since I have nothing to do, I decided to leave a post. I have been through the hardest of my exams--Acts and English--and the consensus is this: I nailed Acts, and English nailed me. I don't know who you are, but you cannot prepare for Friskney's English exams. He always chooses minor points and makes you major in them. It flipping sucks. Oh well. I still memorized a LOT for that exam. Now my plans for the day include studying for Greek and Roman History; I should murder it.

I have been biding my time working on my latest project (a depressed-yet-hopeful romantic tragedy) and playing an RPG game Dave let me copy. It's called Morrowind. The graphics are amazing and you can pretty much do whatever you want in this ancient nation. I'm a big fan.

Things with Ashley are getting better. We want our friendship to resume its former caliber, before all the failed-romance crap happened, and in order to do that, I think we shouldn't hang out so much. How else am I going to get her out of my head? How else will I go from seeing her as the girl who hurt me (although she regretted it very much) to seeing her as a good friend, just as I now see my girl friends like Amanda and Ashlie? We talked about it and that's the current course of action...

Do you want to watch a really, really, really good movie? Hint: "And there was a firefight!" First person to leave a comment telling us the movie is well-appreciated.

Last night was amazing. Ashley, Forest and I loaded up in my Jeep and drove to the Cincinnati Zoo and Botanical Gardens for the annual Festival of Lights. While the laser light show absolutely sucked, the exhibits were amazing with all the snow everywhere. The lights in the trees and on the statues and such sparkled on the surface of the snow. As I walked along, I felt my heart beat, felt God's presence, and felt the Kingdom more than ever. Surrounded by animals of God's creation, one can't help but to be humbled by God's power and beauty. Speaking of animals, I just have to mention this: in the penguin exhibit, there were Christmas lights organized in penguin patterns, and these lights were hanging over the exhibit. All seven of the penguins were just sitting in one spot and staring at the lights, flapping their wings, refusing to move. I find that hilarious.

I didn't go to Southwest today because I am here studying for my exams. Today is dedicated to my Acts of the Apostles exam tomorrow. I should do pretty good; I have a good grasp on the topical subjects and I've got (almost) all of the scripture memorization completed. I am going to study here again in a few minutes, and tonight, Forest, Ashley, Monica and I are heading out to Applebee's for a bite to eat and some hardcore studying.

I've been dying to write fiction lately. I am thinking about writing a small romantic tragedy that is hopeful at the end. Kind of like Flowers Quickly Fading, except without the morose and unhappy ending. Flowers Quickly Fading is doing almost as good--even a little better!--than my "hit" 36 Hours, so I know I'm at least decent at this kind of writing.

Last weekend was one of the most enjoyable weekends of my life. While it didn't last, for three days I felt complete. God has made me romantic. It is hard to be desperately romantic but to have no one to romance. It is hard to be a hopeless romantic and feel so alone. It is hard, for being alone, being without a girl to romance, feels incomplete; no surprise, for you truly are incomplete. Last weekend, I felt complete. I felt complete because I longed for and desired a girl in a romantic--note: not sensual--way; what made it complete, however, was that--for all my knowledge--she longed for and desired me in the same way. That was completion. The news on Monday hurt so much because suddenly the paradise of completeness was replaced with the hell of being incomplete. No wonder I shed tears. Going from complete to incomplete in a second is akin to your arm being suddenly ripped off in a wood-chip-grinder. It is literally painful. All who are heartbroken know this.

The pain hasn't diminished. It has, however, shrunken to the size it's been most of my life. Still there, still painful, but submerged. One day it will be erased and I will be complete. When I woke up last Saturday morning at her house, I felt complete. It was a joyful, holistic reunion with the way life is meant to be lived. It was the Psalm 40 life. One day I will experience the Psalm 40 life again. As I told Jessica, I put my hope, my trust, and myself into God. As I walk in the valley, I am still able to be thankful, and thankfulness flows from my heart:

I am thankful that many of my friends here on campus are taking their dream-girls to the Festival of Lights. Way-to-go, guys. I've been praying for them all in this area and it just makes me so happy that they're going to be going on dates with the girls of their dreams.

I am thankful for all my friends: Amanda, Ashlie, Chris, Lee, Pat, Caleb, John, Forest, Brian, to name a few. I take them for granted to much. I'm sorry!

I am thankful for my awesome Mom and Dad. They're just that cool and that wonderful.

I am thankful that God has answered one of my biggest prayers ever. My constant cry, my "persevering widow" prayer--that God would take away my acne--has been answered for several months now. When I realized it, I felt horrible, because I had never really thanked Him. I know that when I find the girl of my dreams, I will dote on her and love her and spoil her and treat her right and thank God for her with my every breath!

You are reading the blog of a very blessed child of God, even if he doesn't see it all the time!

another conversation

During D-Group, my good friend and D-Group leader Caleb secretly texted me on my phone and said, "Stay after everyone leaves." I texted him back: "O.K." Once everyone departed, the door was shut and I took a set across from Caleb. He looked me in the eyes and said, "Dude. You're not all right and I can tell. You're not leaving until you talk to me about it." He knew I was comfortable with him, and I said, "I didn't bring it up in D-Group because I didn't really know all the other guys as much as I know you, and I'm thankful that you've-" He cut me off. "Talk." So I told him what was going on.

I told him all about the whole Ashley ordeal. I don't want anyone reading this blog to think that I don't like her. I'm not mad at her at all. I have given forgiveness where it is needed, and I still enjoy being her friend. It will take me some time, however, to get over what happened last weekend and culminated in an unfavorable way on Monday. I told him how I wept three times, and said, "But it wasn't really over Ashley. It was just frustration with God, you know? I mean, why has He made me like this, then left me alone? Why does He flaunt what I want so badly before my eyes, and not let me really experience it? Why does He allow me to taste what I want so deeply, then allow her to be taken away from me? Honestly, Man, I'm just so ticked off right now. I'm ticked off at God and I told Him so and why. I don't think it's a sin. I'm just being real with Him. He knows this already, it's not like a secret or anything."

We talked for a while and Caleb brought up many good points. We came to the hypothetical conclusion together: "Ashley is a gift to me. I just understood the gift wrongly and pursued her in a way I wasn't supposed to. God knows how He has made my heart, and He doesn't want me to give my heart to the girl who is not 'the one.' Because Ashley isn't 'the one,' He did what He had to do. He did it out of love, but it still hurt Him to see me hurt. He's just protecting me, protecting me from taking what isn't mine, and missing out on the one who is... He knows I can't see the whole picture, and He knows that when I finally find 'the one,' I will look back at this and say, 'Thank God that didn't work out.'" This is a hypothetical idea and I've no idea if it's right or not, but at least it brings some [possible] answers.

One of the things that Caleb said really brought me a lot of comfort. God has spoken to us both in so many different ways--through the scriptures, circumstances, conversations, to name a few--that He has a wonderful girl for us both. Right now, we don't know who that girl is. We may know her, we may not know her. God knows who she is. Right now I'm in a valley, and one day I will be on the mountaintop with 'the one.' I will look back and see the beautiful masterpiece of mountains and valleys, and I will be thankful for each, for each has contributed in some way to my [future] intimacy with my wife. This whole ordeal will be but one valley in the midst of a mountain range. I will hold my wife tight and kiss her and thank God that she is the one. I will thank God for the masterpiece He created out of my life, and I will thank Him for the hard times, too. We closed off the night by praying for each other and praying for God's protection and blessings on our future wives, wherever and whoever they are.

One day I will read Psalm 40 and it will no longer be prophetic, but historical. One day I will share a beautiful family with a beautiful wife and have beautiful kids. My life will be the Psalm 16 life (read it in The Message version), and I will echo up Psalm 40 as a prayer of thanks every night:

I waited patiently for the LORD; And He inclined to me, And heard my cry. He also brought me up out of a horrible pit, Out of the miry clay, And set my feet upon a rock, And established my steps. He has put a new song in my mouth--Praise to our God; Many will see it and fear, And will trust in the LORD. - Psalm 40:1-3, NKJV

a conversation

Tonight I went to God in prayer for a good measure of time and just cried out for His voice in these trying times. His voice came through several times, through scripture and song. The invitation Jesus gave in Matthew 11:28-30 came to me, and I accepted and went to Him for rest. I cried out, wondering where He's been this entire time, and He's replied, "I'm here, holding you, kissing you, crying with you, even washing your feet." He's told me, "Just wait. Your time is coming. She's coming. Things will get better." And with a wink, "A LOT better!"

As I was praying for God's voice, this song came to my ear. It is Creed's Lullaby, and I believe it is God and my's way of talking to me through this troubling time:

GOD: Hush my love, now, don't you cry. Everything will be all right. Close your eyes and drift in dream. Rest in peaceful sleep. If there's one thing I hope I showed you: just give love to all.

ME: Oh my love... in my arms tight. Everyday you give me life. As I drift off to your world, I will rest in peaceful sleep. I know there's one thing that you showed me: just give love to all. Let's give love to all.

Several weeks ago I spoke at Fuel and talked about why I love Jesus. I didn't go into any theology, really, because theology isn't why I love Jesus at all. I love theology because of my love for Jesus. As I stood in front of all those kids and told them why I love Jesus, I told them that I love Him because He comes to me in my suffering, and He suffers with me. He doesn't always give me all the answers, but He kneels beside me, and as tears slide down His cheeks as He sees me suffering, He whispers, "I love you. I love you so much." He comes to me again and whispers: "Shhh. Don't cry, my Love. Everything will be all right. My Father knew this would happen, and yet He has given you a promise: you will experience what you desire so much. You must wait a little longer. It breaks His heart to see you like this, but everything will be okay."

Today hasn't been such a good day. In fact, in all reality, today was probably the worst day I've had in a few years. It all started out great. I woke up with a smile on my face and headed out the door. I sat beside Ashley in Acts class and she seemed a little distant; something didn't rest right. She was quiet throughout the rest of the morning, but I didn't think much of it. "She's just tired." Around 1:00 P.M., she sent me a text message that pretty much said that she didn't want to date at all. She'd changed her mind about the whole thing.

I have thought Ashley was pretty since the first day I saw her during Early Week. I always wanted to talk to her but could never spurn the courage. Sometime in October, she and I started talking once she initiated it. I already thought she was pretty, but as I got to know her, I liked her more and more. I didn't think she liked me, and through a weird twist and turn of events, she came to know. She told me she liked me, too, and we talked till 5:00 Friday morning. I wanted to be sure she really liked me, and that she liked me more than she liked other boys. She pretty much said yes. The next weekend I went to her hometown in Indiana. Her family and friends loved me and we spent a lot of time together. I came to like her even more. Things were looking up for this week and I dared to believe that things were about to change. I thanked God for bringing her into my life and I thanked Him for finally lending an ear to five years of prayers for help. And then today I heard the news that, no, things weren't changing.

The fact that she "changed her mind" because she liked someone else more hurts. The fact that I thought that there was something special brewing, then shown that I was wrong, hurts. But that's not what hurts the most. What hurts the most is that for five years, I've desired romance. I've desired to share in one of these special relationships. My hand-written journals record my struggles and my tears as I crave a girl to treat right and to love with a real love, but I see all my friends leaving me alone for their girls, and then--on top of that!--I am forced to watch as those who only use girls as sex-toys use and abuse them. It makes me angry that God will let them get away with it but won't let me treat a girl right. For five years I've prayed that my fate would change, that things would change. Without this romance, I feel empty, hollow, incomplete, and it hurts. I am made for this kind of relationship. It's how God has designed me. For five years I prayed for this, and beginning in October, I thought God was beginning to act.

It really, truly hurts me. As I drove home for Applebee's with my sister and my best friend Chris, I wept. I wept because I don't understand why God makes me like this, makes it to where I hurt when I am alone. I wept because I don't understand why he will make me like this and then seemingly abandon me to suffer. I wept because I don't understand why he put Ashley into my life, gave me sweet tastes of what I have always desired, then tore her away or at least allowed her to be torn away at the last moment, only increasing my sufferings. Yesterday I wept tears of joy; today I wept tears of sorrow.

I am so thankful for so many great friends here on campus who are beside me in my pain: John, Caleb, Brian, Forest, to name a few. And I am especially thankful for Mom and Dad, who called repeatedly until I succumbed to answer my phone. I am thankful for Mom, who embraced me and shared my pain. I am thankful for my dear little sister and for my best friend Chris, who took me out to eat, paying the bill. Through all these people I don't find the answers to my questions (questions that all revolve around why???), but I experience the love of God coming through, embracing me, and experiencing the sorrow alongside me.

At times life is wicked and I just can't see the light. A silver lining sometimes isn't enough to make some wrongs seem right. At times life's unfair and you know: it's plain to see. 'Hey, God, I know I'm just a dot in this world; have you forgot about me?' Whatever life brings, I've been through everything, and now I'm on my knees again. But I know I must go on. Although I hurt I must be strong, because inside I know that many feel this way. - Creed, Don't Stop Dancing

Friday afternoon before I headed out for Indiana, Brian and I were sitting in his room and the question arose: "What happened during Jesus' childhood?" For me at least, it's an intriguing question. We really don't know a whole lot, in the sense that the gospels are quiet. What do we know?

We know that Jesus' father was a carpenter, but the word used in the gospels could also refer to a brick-layer. Interestingly enough, Herod was building lots of works for Rome in Judea; I wonder, is it possible that some of the remains could've been built by Jesus' hands? We know that by the age of twelve, Jesus was amazing the religious leaders of his day with his awe-inspiring knowledge and insight. We know that from age twelve to approximately age thirty, nothing of Jesus is mentioned. Yet we do know this: the last thing we see of Jesus is a pure identification of his person, but his status is still just a young boy. When we come to see him again in the gospels, he is a man and referred to as Rabbi.

This is what I believe: I don't think Jesus knew who He really was when He came out of the womb. In entering the space-time fabric of the universe, not being transcendant of it as he had always been, he was forced to set aside some of his divine attributes while still being himself. Like all Jewish boys, he would've gone to school and been learned in the Torah, the Jewish Bible, which is the first five books of the Old Testament. I imagine, as he read these and memorized them easily, he began to see the scriptures in a new light, was able to see the foundation behind them all--love!--and I believe he came to understand who he was: God in human flesh.

I asked Brian, "What would it be like to be Jesus at age ten or eleven and understand--really understand--for the first time that I am God. What would that be like? What would it feel like to look at the people around you, the world you bathe in, the stars above your head, and think, Wow. I am God. I have created all of this. How crazy would it be to be twelve years old and know this?"

I believe he came to identify himself as God and his mission unfolded. He knew why he was here. He came to grips with it and his parents affirmed it. I believe he took his first step by proclaiming that he was the Deliverer (Luke 4). I believe that he was both man and God. It's really crazy to think about and I don't pretend to really be able to wrap my head around it all.

Just some off-hand thoughts. I must get ready for Applebee's tonite. Brian, Caleb, Cassie, Heather, and me and Ashley are all going out. Should be a fun time. Good night!

P.S. Indiana was amazing. We took pictures and I will post them sometime this week!

I know it's late... 4 o'clock actually... But I am skipping my morning classes tomorrow so I can get some needed sleep for my big weekend vacation. I am throwing off the reigns of 412 duties and not returning to Springboro. One of my good friends, Ashley, has a birthday today--19!!!--and me and two of her other friends are traveling to El Nora, Indiana to "party it up." Basically we're just going to be hanging out Saturday, going to the Bass Pro Shop (which Brian tells me is awesome), and after Church gathering on Sunday, we're driving back here to C.C.U. I'm looking forward to it.

How has life been for Anthony? My intimacy with God is deepening, as it should be. Some days are better than others, sure, but everyday that is a struggle is also an opportunity to embrace God and just let Him come in and redeem the tears. I am thankful for God gifting me with so many good friends here. As my circle of friends widen, I am overly thankful that God has given me out of them all a handful of people with whom I can just share the deep pains and joys of my life, my bitter secrets and my happiest daydreams. Even though exams are coming up and tensions are high, I'm able to wear a smile on my face and joy on my sleeve.

I am thankful that I've got a job at I.G.A. over Christmas break. I never thought I would say that I was thankful for having a job at I.G.A., but I am. I need the money badly. Mom and Dad warned me about spending too much of my money, and I thought I could handle it. I was most definitely wrong. I pulled the no-surprise college-freshman stunt and all but bankrupted my account. My head falls in shame and I vow to never let my kids have more than two hundred dollars in their bank accounts per semester. They can live off that, they really can. The rest is spent on needless accessories. It sucks to be bankrupt. At least, I guess, I'm not in debt.

Some upcoming things on which I probably will be spending money: Seeing The Chronicles of Narnia, Applebee's to celebrate Ashley's birthday (sometime next week probably), maybe the movie Walk the Line (I'm a big Johnny Cash fan!), and I might also go to the Festival of Lights at the Cincinnati Zoo and Botanical Gardens. We college kids get free tickets but parking is seven bucks. By then I'll be cramming for exams then packing for home.