Over the past three weeks or so, I've had a strange desire to just uproot and become a missionary in someplace like Africa or South America. I have this dream of taking the gospel to a region of several jungle villages, teaching and preaching and seeing the Kingdom grow. I dream of taking up a beautiful native wife and having a small hut in one of the villages. I dream of moving village-to-village, teaching and training and preaching. I dream of the villages being interconnected in a community akin to the early Church. I dream of entire villages gathering together to pray, worship, fellowship, celebrate, and explore God. I dream of a life defined by prayer, teaching, preaching, and sharing. I dream of an authentic community of Christians who see the beauty of the gospel and take it seriously.

Maybe this is just my desire to escape the consumerist, selfish, greedy, and indifferent culture in which I live. Or maybe this is simply my dream of escaping the diluted Christianity of America. We Americans do not take the gospel seriously enough (wow, what a stereotype); I must confess: "I am not exempt."

Ministry is meeting whomever encounters you, listening for where they are coming from, and then speaking the Word the way they need to hear it, or better yet, getting them to speak it for themselves. - a comment from another blog

A truth that is often forgotten: ministry is saturated in relationship. Not good messages, not good Bible studies, not good fog-and-lights. At the core, it's about relationship. Ministry is delivering God's Word to those all around us, and not just by what we write or say. It is the Message we deliver with our love, with our compassion, with our care, with our mercy, with our acceptance. It is the Message we deliver when we laugh when they laugh, cry when they cry, and do so with no agenda. Ministry is allowing God to enter into the relationship and transform the relationship and those involved. Ministry doesn't necessarily mean delivering a five-point sermon on how to become a Christian. It is about bringing the Kingdom--the real, living, breathing, pulsating, organic Kingdom--to the doorstep of others' lives and inviting them in. And if they don't want to enter, we still hang out with them and share time with them because we genuinely love them.

It has been quite an exciting day. I woke up late since I didn't have to get up for Winter Weekend, unlike Brian who had to awake at 7:00 to get his boys up and moving. The dining hall was packed this afternoon, but they were serving amazing food. By serving amazing food, they were commiting a sin by lying to the high schoolers about the true state of things here. Afterwards, I spent time in the Worship Arts Ministry, hanging out with A.J. and Jobst. I sat outside on the coffee shop patio and wrote a few pages in my most recent story, taking advantage of the beautiful weather.

This afternoon, Brian asked me and Caleb to tag along with him and his youth group to the Cincinnati Mills mall for a scavenger hunt. It was a great time, getting to know the High Schoolers. It was funny to see Brian acting so serious; I'm just not used to it. Brian can be serious a lot, but most of the time he's the sarcastic guy who provokes "situations." I fell asleep on the drive back to the school. Oh, and Brian hit a parked car in the church van. I hope he has fun explaining that one to the pastor at Southfork.

Southwest Church is starting a new lesson series for the Jr. and Sr. High ministries. I have already written out the first lesson in regard to the project our church is undertaking: the building of an official building. I am excited about the building's construction, for I know that having a church building is essential to community. It creates a wonderful atmosphere. Right now we are meeting in a gymnasium, and while there's nothing really wrong with it, community is hard to foster. I envision a beautiful community reminescent of the early Church taking place at Southwest Church. The concept of tomorrow's lesson revolves around, "How can I help with the project?" I am stressing on being missionaries, and in being so, helping the core purpose of the project, which is to advance the Kingdom through Springboro, Ohio. One of the key scriptures I am using is 2 Chronicles 7:14:

If my people who are called by My name will humble themselves, and pray and seek My face, and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven, and will forgive their sin and heal their land. (NKJV)

After a trip to Gold's Gym, Brian, Caleb, Emily and I traveled into Covington to eat a family diner, "Doug's Restaurant." This was my second visit; the first time, I entered it and exclaimed, "So this is Dirty Doug's!" All those on campus referred to the restaurant as Dirty Doug's, and I'm sure you can imagine why. As I am not always the brightest when it comes to these things, I drew several eyes and a shocked gasp from Brian. This visit, however, was different, and I made it very clear to Emily that the restaurant was called Doug's, not Dirty Doug's. It is one of your typical family diners, run-down and smokey and grime everywhere, but the food is simply amazing.

Winter Weekend is this weekend. We have high school kids from all over the place streaming in for worship, speakers, and Bible lessons. Brian brought several kids from his youth group, and two of them--Austin and Billy--are staying in my room. I have spent most of the day, following the trip to Dirty Doug's, researching the letter of Galatians. Galatians 5 has to be one of my favorite passages of scripture in the entire New Testament. I just love how Paul elaborates upon the freedom of Christ, the sinful nature, and the Spirit-nature. I was so inspired that I wrote a small article on Galatians 5; you can read it here. I'd love any questions, comments or concerns.

In my Foundations for Education class, I discovered a haunting piece of scripture that hangs in the back of my mind, perhaps a foreshadow of things to come:

Woe to you who think you live on easy street in Zion, who think Mount Samaria is the good life. You assume you're at the top of the heap, voted the number-one best place to live. Well, wake up and look around. Get off your pedestal. Take a look at Calneh. Go and visit Great Hamath. Look in on Gath of the Philistines. Doesn't that take you off your high horse? Compared to them, you're not much, are you? Woe to you who are rushing headlong to disaster! Catastrophe is just around the corner! Woe to those who live in luxury and expect everyone else to serve them! Woe to thos who live only for today, indifferent to the fate of others! Woe to the playboys, the playgirls, who think life is a party held just for them! Woe to those addicted to feeling good--life without pain! [Woe to] those obsessed with looking good--life without wrinkles! They could not care less about their country going to ruin. But here's what's really coming: a forced march into exile. They'll leave the country whining, a rag-tag bunch of good-for-nothings. GOD, the Master, has sworn, and solemnly stands by his Word. "I hate the arrogance of Jacob. I'm about to hand over the city and everyone in it." - Amos 6:1-8, the Message

If you ask me, America is on the fast-track to a bad place. We're looking more and more like the ancient Roman empire, and where are they today? Where's all their power, all their grandness, all their might, all their glory? It's in ruins. And in the words of wise Solomon, "There is nothing new under the sun... History just repeats itself over and over."

Last night at about midnight, Brian and I took a two-hour sabbatical from the school. We traveled down to the river and sat by the high waters, staring at the glowing Newport sign, smoking a pair of cigars. Our conversation turned to spiritual matters and remained there for nearly an hour. We talked about so much, mostly about the depravity of America and our own depravity.

As I posted a little while ago, sometimes I have the desire to sell everything I own and flee to Africa to become a missionary. I don't think this is a feasable dream, but maybe it is a window to my own frustration with America. I am frustrated with how America has focused so much on the self, how America is all about instant gratification and living for empty pleasures. I am frustrated with how America's self-centered, pleasure-seeking philosophy has blended into Christianity and, in many ways, neutered it. I am frustrated with how so many Christians think they're living the gospel when, really, they're actually far from it. I am frustrated with how easy-believism American Christianity is so different from the message of Christ.

The depravity of America, perhaps, stems from the depravity of the human soul, the soul that is self-centered, greedy, and indifferent. When I look at myself in a mirror, I am horrified. I am horrified at my materialism, at my lust for self-gratification, at my endeavors bound by selfishness. I am horrified at my indifference to the pain and sufferings of the world, whether it is halfway across the globe or at my doorstep. We both know there are so many changes needed to be made in our world. This constant conviction, revelation, and action is part of the process of discipleship. I pray that I will prove to be a genuine disciple as I wrestle with conviction, contemplate revelation, and dedicate myself to action.

I took the Theological Worldview quiz highlighted on Adam and Mike's blogs. Here's the results:

You scored as Emergent/Postmodern. You are Emergent/Postmodern in your theology. You feel alienated from older forms of church, you don't think they connect to modern culture very well. No one knows the whole truth about God, and we have much to learn from each other, and so learning takes place in dialogue. Evangelism should take place in relationships rather than through crusades and altar-calls. People are interested in spirituality and want to ask questions, so the church should help them do this.

Emergent/Postmodern: 79%
Evangelical Holiness/Wesleyan: 71%
Neo orthodox: 68%
Classical Liberal: 64%
Charismatic/Pentecostal: 61%
Roman Catholic: 36%
Reformed Evangelical: 32%
Modern Liberal: 25%
Fundamentalist: 21%

Find out your theological worldview here!

After all my classes, I headed down to my Jeep for some lectio divina; I am in desperate need of rekindled relationship with Yahweh. We exchanged several words, and I expressed to him my thoughts and concerns and emotions over the last few days. He led me to Psalm 49, the words of which sank deep within me:

Listen, everyone, listen--earth-dwellers, don't miss this. All you haves and have-nots, all together now: listen. I set plainspoken wisdom before you, my heart-seasoned understandings of life. I fine-tuned my ear to the sayings of the wise. I solve life's riddles with the help of a harp.

So why should I fear in bad times, hemmed in by enemy malice, shoved around by bullies, demeaned by the arrogant rich? Really! There's no such thing as self-rescue, pulling yourself up by your bootstraps. The cost of rescue is beyond our means, and even then it doesn't guarantee life forever, or insurance against the Black Hole.

Anyone can see that the brightest and best die, wiped out right along with fools and dunces. They leave all their prowess behind, move into their new home, The Coffin, the cemetary their permanent address. And to think they named counties after themselves!

We aren't immortal. We don't last long. Like our dogs, we age and weaken. And die.

This is what happens to those who live for the moment, who only look out for themselves: death herds them like sheep straight to hell; they disappear down the gullet of the grave; they waste away to nothing--nothing left but a marker in a cemetary. But me? God snatches me from the clutch of death, he reaches down and grabs me.

So don't be impressed with those who get rich and pile up fame and fortune. They can't take it with them; fame and fortune all get left behind. Just when they think they've arrived and folks praise them because they've made it good, they enter the family burial plot, where they'll never see sunshine again.

We aren't immortal. We don't last long. Like our dogs, we age and weaken. And die.

The psalm (here in The Message version) contrasts those who devote their lives to themselves and those who devote their lives to God. The writer of this psalm shows how futile it is to live for oneself and how it is such a blessing to "live for God and God alone." God told me through this, "It's better to come with Me. I promise."

Setting the Bible down, I made a rugged decision: my hopes, my dreams, my aspirations, my life--my all!--are now in the lap of God. Let Him do what He wants with it. I'm tired of always worrying about it and losing sleep over it. He has to deal with it now. I will worship and serve Him wherever He takes me. He has called me to yet another higher level of discipleship. If I remained where I am now, God would still use me and be intimate with me. But He has called me to something greater, something I have no clue about. So I guess I'll follow Him. I'm sure it'll be better. He isn't a liar.

The implications of this move are beginning to appear, are beginning to make themselves known. I know Yahweh is smiling upon me; it is a wonderful feeling!

But if serving the LORD seems undesirable to you, then choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve, whether the gods your forefathers served beyond the River, or the gods of the Amorites, in whose land you are living. But as for me and my household, we will serve the LORD. - Joshua 24:15, NIV

January 22, 2006 - Journal Entry

I have emotions within that fail to be described. Over the past six months, God has been giving me a clear, concise message: "Come, devote yourself entirely to Me and Me alone, and I will take you places you've never dreamed of." I don't know why I am so... stubborn. Deep down, I hunger for this entirely God-centered and Kingdom-eccentric life; I picture it in my head: a life of love, a life of humility, a life of prayer, a life of Kingdom-living, relatively untouched by distractions (and--oh!--how many distractions plague me now!).

Perhaps it is foolishness, but sometimes I want to sell everything I own, flee to Africa, and serve God in sharing the Kingdom-news with them and entering into life with them. I think America has poisoned me with materialism and selfishness; or, rather, it has given my self-centeredness room to grow and show its true colors in a comfortable, non-threatening vacuum. I don't think God is calling me to Africa (as he is doing with some of my friends); I believe my place is here in the American suburbs. Don't think that's a cop-put from a hard "primitive" life; America itself is plagued with a consumerist, selfishness-driven Christianity, a virus I must disentangle myself from daily, a disease that must be counteracted with biblical teaching.

Anyways, God is calling me to a different life, a fresh life, a new life. He has set it before me and said, "Choose whom you will serve: Me or yourself." As I write, I fear I am--in many ways--choosing the latter. I see this in the way I spend my time, my energy, my money, even my thoughts and concerns. I fear I am so preoccupied with my own dreams for myself that I refuse to give first place to God's dreams--His marvelous dreams!--for me.

Why am I so stubborn?! His words reach out to me: "Will you serve yourself or Me? Will you pursue your own pleasures and dreams or pursue Me and inherit My dreams for you and your life?" The scriptures declare that His plans for His people are good, but I know that the way I interpret "good" may not be the "goodness" of God; so a part of me fears total abandonment. I fear that if I totally abandon myself to Him and devote myself to Him, I will never experience the dream of "her," the dream of a family, the joys of being a husband and a father. This is an irrational fear, I know, yet it's a fear that is embedded deep within me. If it is to leave me, it must be cut away by the Spirit.

God is asking me, "Are you willing to give 'her' up for Me?" Notice He says willing. I realize that if I do not devote myself to Him, I may miss "her" altogether! I know which path to walk, which way to go--why won't I just lift my voice to heaven and answer, "I am yours! I deny myself and abandon my hopes, my dreams, my life, my all to you!"? I could just say it right now, but I don't know if my heart is in that position. I want such a declaration to be real, not just a blush of sentimental gush but a well-thought-out, disciplined decision.

My own apparent rebellion and Yahweh pisses me off. El-Shaddai is powerful and has the power to make me truly fruitful. Why don't I trust Him?

I need to change so much. I know I need it. But it feels so... impossible. It's so huge. I don't know where to begin. I cry out to God, "I can't do this! I need Your divine help!" And He answers me:

"If my people who are called by my name will humble themselves, and pray, and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, I will hear from heaven and will forgive their sin and heal their land." - 2 Chronicles 7:14

God calls me to humble myself. Jesus said that the humble would be exalted, and the exalted would be humbled. Who is it that clings to God's heart? The humble!

"I dwell in the high and holy place, and also with him who is of a contrite and lowly spirit, to revive the spirit of the lowly, and to revive the heart of the contrite." - Isaiah 57:15

"The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise." - Psalm 51:17

God does not turn His face from the broken; He embraces them. He revives the spirit of the lowly, revives the heart of the broken. So I pray for brokenness. I pray that God will break me and send me to my knees in repentant sorrow. I pray not only for brokenness and inward and outward humility, but I pray also that He will come to me, embrace me, speak to me, convict me, change me, and lavish His rich love, grace, and mercy upon me. I know it is His will for me to become like Him, so I plead, "Your will be done!"

I see God's face. Christ said, "Seek ye first the Kingdom of God." This is to be my pursuit: God's face. This is such a hard struggle for me, sapping my energy every day, every hour, every minute. In all I say and do, I seek His face. I put Him above all other desires, all other pursuits, all other dreams and hopes and aspirations. I seek the Kingdom; I live, think, breathe, walk, exist inside and be Kingdom. I live, think, and pray Kingdom. I seek His glory, His praise, and offer my life up as a sacrifice to Him.

And here is one of the hardest parts, where I need God's help so much: turn from my wicked ways. I am entrenched inside much iniquity. Escape seems to be the ultimate--and only!--freedom I desire from this enslavement. Christ commands us to abandon our wicked ways. Repentance may be a change of heart, but if this change of heart is a reality, then the fruit of repentance will show: and the fruit of repentance is a life transformed by God.

I fall at the feet of God and cry out for His help, cry out for His voice, and He answers me with 2 Chronicles 7:14. He has told me where to go: He has told me to live a lifestyle of humility as Christ is humble (Philippians 2:5-11); He has told me to live a lifestyle attuned to His will and seeking His face above all else; He has told me to abandon my wicked ways, to take up my cross, and follow Him. And He has promised me not just hope, but deliverance: He will hear me from Heaven; He will forgive my sin; He will heal my land.

Last night was quite enjoyable: a Call of Duty marathon over the network, six-v.-six. It is early in the morning, and I woke up just a few minutes ago. I am going to get dressed and run off to breakfast with Forest, attend three classes, go to Gold's Gym for a four-mile run, then head down to Kentucky Christian University for the game. A bunch of us are going down there to root on the Eagles. It should be fun times; I plan on reading "More Than Equals" on the way there, sleeping on the way back. Tomorrow I have dedicated to reading (I have so much reading to do this semester), and on Sunday I have the privilege of teaching the Junior High kids at Southwest Church.

I am beginning to study the Pauline Epistles, again. I have already paved through Galatians, Ephesians, Philippians and Colossians, but I realized that I was reading into the material too much. In other words, I was saturating it with my own ideals, theories, and personal contemplations. I have been influenced so heavily by authentic Christian authors such as Brian McLaren, Dallas Willard, John Eldredge, and Eugene Peterson, that it is hard for me not to apply my personal ideas to the text. I have to leave the option open that, perhaps, those authors are wrong on points that I agree with. I know it's impossible to approach the texts without bias, but I am going to try as hard as possible.

God has been speaking to me a lot lately. I'm sure a long post is coming.

I have so much reading to do: I have to dedicate so much time each day to reading. Luckily, the worst book--about one hundred pages of meaningless statistics--is complete and my five-page paper has been written. Right now I am working through a book on racism in the Church; it is called, "More Than Equals." It isn't too bad, actually, I actually find interest in it. Other books I have to read include Lee Strobel's "The Case for Christ" and "The Case for Faith," as well as three books on evangelism: "Questioning Evangelism," "More Ready Than You Realize," and "Radical Reformission." In English I get to write a research paper, and she's letting us choose our topics. I definitely want to write a report about dinosaurs. I was thinking about writing my paper on angiosperms and how they affected the dinosaurs, but I don't know. I might just do the theories of extinction, because that'd be much easier.

Old Testament history class is amazing. I told Caleb that I had Dan Dyke as my professor, and he said, "Wow, Dyke is a beast." Dyke spent all day yesterday telling us how we Americans have forgotten the concept of the story, how we have turned the Old Testament into a book of statistics. "We're going to return to Story. We're going to look at the Story of the Old Testament from Genesis through Kings. We're going to discover the story of God moving in His people and entering into history." I'm excited about the last third of the semester: "We're going to rediscover the story. We're going to learn how to tell stories, how to analyze stories, and how to use stories in our teaching." I want to be the preacher who preaches from stories, not eclectic scriptures thrown together for systematic theology.

So I just met my neighbor here on 4N, and he has quite an interesting story. He is an honorably discharged Army Ranger from Afghanistan. He's a trained sniper and served in several missions, rapelling from Black Hawk helicopters, raiding chemical facilities, and going house-to-house. Several of his buddies were in Mogadishu, and his sergeant was one of those who was actually in the battle documented in the movie "Black Hawk Down." He was honorably discharged when his humvee was bombed and he had shrapnel lodged in his chest. He is a quiet, humble fellow.

I have been reading a wonderful book published by [relevantbooks]; it's called "One Thing" by Dwayne Roberts. God has been doing a ton of convicting in my life. Ever since I've been here at Cincinnati Christian University, I've been focused on God, sure, but a lot of my focus has been on girls. Oftentimes, my focus and desires turn more upon the arena of girls than on Christ and His Kingdom; Christ's words, "Seek first the Kingdom of God" has drawn conviction, because, in many ways, I haven't been! God has been telling me, "Until I am your one desire, I will not let you find 'her.' This is not because I am mean; rather, it's because I love you so much." He has been calling me to an (unfortunately) "new" plane of devotion: the devotion that is willing to sacrifice all my hopes, dreams, and aspirations for Him. He has given me a choice (and I pray it is figurative!): "Will you choose Me and self-denial or no Me but the life you've always wanted?" And the entire time I know that He alone is the One who can make my life truly worth living.

Sometimes I wish I had gone to Berkeley for a degree in paleontology. Not really, because I'm more passionate about ministry, but yet there is something deep within me that cannot be detached from me no matter what, and that is a passion for those curious little ancient creatures called dinosauria. The passion has been with me since childhood, and it is often resurrected. In Philosophy of Religion we talked about dinosaurs, and suddenly I actually wanted to be in the class. A few days ago I watched some of Discovery Channel's Walking with Dinosaurs, then read about iguanodontids in one of my many dinosaur encyclopedias. Today I was surfing the internet and saw many dinosaur skull replicas; I dreamed of seeing them about my study when I graduate college. It would be exciting, I think, to study dinosaurs in the field, then write books about them in the wintertime. It would be a tremendous joy for me.

Today the class I taught did not go so well. That's what you get for not being prepared. Caleb came home with me, and afterwards Mom and Dad treated us to Lone Star steakhouse. Caleb--a cowboy at heart, wearing a cowboy hat and cowboy shoes and not looking like a poser doing it--loved the place. He couldn't stop staring at the giant buffalo head or the horns mounted above the doorway. He wants to get married and move to Texas to counsel teenagers. He's a good kid. I'm back at college now, and plan on spending the rest of the day sleeping, watching The Boondock Saints, and writing. Since I don't have classes on Tuesdays, I have a four-day weekend. Woot-woot.

Tomorrow I return home again, this time with the innate mission of spending time with my friends whom I have terribly missed. I will eat out for lunch with Ashlie, Amanda, and Chris, then maybe hit up Starbucks. It should be a fun and exciting time. Tomorrow night I will be back at campus, ready to start another semester.

Things I wish to change about this semester:

1. Be more outgoing!
2. Express my thoughts!
3. Eat better and exercise (freshman 15 are sneaking up on me)
4. Keep focused on Christ and His Kingdom
   

Knowing that it'll happen, that's nice. In fact, it's wonderful. To live under a cloud, a shadow of doubt, always wondering if dreams are meant to be, that sounds like Hell to me. To know, to have confirmation, to hear the voice of God, the voice that tells you, "It'll happen," that's wonderful. It's fantastic. But when the voice doesn't say when, when the voice just hangs out there and makes you wonder, "How long will I have to wait?", that's tough, too. I think I know why He does it, though. He wants me to have faith. He wants me to trust. It's really hard. To be made like this, and to feel this way, without any outlet, without any visible deliverance on the horizon, that is a horrible feeling. I have equated it with the feeling of having battery acid poured into the ventricles of your heart.

Do I trust Him? Yes. Do I have faith that He will come through? Beyond words. But that doesn't take away the ache. When the Israelites knew they would reach the Promised Land, did it make their feet hurt any less as they walked? Did it make their homesickness go away? Did it make their desires for living in a place other than desert vanquish? I don't think so. But they trusted God. They put their faith in God. God's dependable. He doesn't back down on His promises. If He says it, it will happen.

It is hard. I won't ever deny that. I may tell people, "It's easy," but I'm lying through clenched teeth. It's hard. Every day it's hard, and sometimes it is almost so hard that it's suffocating. Is it a test? Perhaps; for these moments draw me closer to the heart of God. It is hard because I once was in a circle of friends who were just like me in desires and circumstances, yet now I am alone... alone again. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy--ecstatic!--for my friends who romance lives are looking up. I am excited that God has reached into their lives and blessed them (as I know He will do for me one of these days, sooner or later).

I've just been waiting six years, and it's been a hard six years. Every year gets harder. I know there's light at the end of the tunnel, but I just can't see it. I am suspended in darkness. I pray that God will guide me in the darkness, for I am blind alone. Perhaps she and I are in the same tunnel, and He will guide us right into one another, with such bluntness that it will hurt. Maybe we will be in this tunnel together, and we will cling to each other for dear life (and maybe He will smile and laugh in joy over it all, because it's what He had in mind all along).

Many Christians see many of Paul's writing as legalistic, as if we were penning down a new set of rules to be obeyed. Yet in Galatians 5:1-6,13-14 Paul tells us that we are free from legalism and now free in Christ. How does one reconcile Paul's imperative language--"you must deny your sinful nature and embrace the Spirit nature"--with Paul's statement of Christian freedom? The simple truth it, this freedom is not license to do as we please, but freedom to love God and love others, whatever the cost.

Therefore, the passages were Paul tells us what we must or must not do (such as Galatians 5:16-24, Ephesians 5:1-15, and Philippians 2:1-11) are simply his way of showing us what love does--and does not--look like. He is teaching us, through imperative language, what selfless, sacrificial, serving, and humble love--Christ-like love--looks like in our daily lives.

He is likewise teaching us what life in God's Kingdom looks like. The Kingdom is not some ethereal Kingdom high in the sky, but a flesh-and-blood Kingdom amongst us even now, a Kingdom comprised of the disciples of Christ living life in an intimate dance with God and being continually transformed by God into creatures like Christ, into creatures of love.

Paul is not giving us a fresh list of dos and don'ts: he is simply revealing to us the God-centered life, the Christ-devoted life, the Kingdom life--what it is and what it isn't!

So this is what Hell feels like: nine hours of lectures a day, five days a week, interspersed by moments of joy. One such moment of joy included a late-night trip to I.H.O.P. for all-you-can-eat pancakes. For a small guy like me, that wasn't much, but what I did eat was wonderful. The conversation was enjoyable as well; Nick, John, Hensel, Rob, Jessica and Jackie all tagged along. Rob looks like he's forty and I look like I'm twelve, so we convinced the waitress that I was his son. I didn't eat my Hashbrowns so Jackie yelled at me, "You can't leave the table till you eat them!" The community reminded me of those "old days," when I would grab Fudd-ruckers with Dylan and Chris, or China Cottage with Pat, Lee, Ashlie and Amanda.

Last night I finished Your God Is Too Small by J.B. Phillips. His expose on the gospel was beautiful. It is almost a small rendition of C.S. Lewis' Mere Christianity. Well, I must depart: we're talking about prophecy in Philosophy of Religion. Don't want to miss that (sarcasm intended)!

In our studies of atheism we talked about dialectical atheism. The basic idea is that God was once alive, but He decided to come into His creation and see what life was like. Unfortunately, He became mortal on this venture and, after being killed on the cross, was done for. So now there is no God, and the universe will eventually destroy itself and that will be that. Brian and I had moved his La-z-boy into the classroom, so I leaned forward and said, "This sounds so wrong, but if that were true, it'd be so funny." Reminds me of that Family Guy episode where Peter is in Heaven and he wants to return to earth to save his family from the apocolypse; God says, "Yeah, right! I sent my Son down there and He's never been the same!" God pointed to the corner of the screen, and our view pans to reveal Jesus with a downcast face slowly spinning himself in a swing.

I have a tendency to make divisions--"This person is post-modern, this person is modern"--but I've been realizing that it is VERY rare to find someone who is purely modern or purely post-modern. The truth is, there are still some people with very pre-modern characteristics that are walking around our streets! So in class today I made a mental list of my characteristics which fall into the various culture-phases:

I am partly pre-modern because I have a slightly fatalistic outlook on life.
I am partly modern because I have great respect for science.
I am partly modern because I want to understand everything and have "all the answers."
I am partly modern because I base more knowledge on scripture or logic rather than experience.
I am partly modern because I understand Christianity as a metanarrative.
I am partly modern because I believe that absolute truth can be discovered (though in a Person, not a set of scientific facts)
I am partly post-modern because I often put more trust in emotions and feelings rather than pure logic.
I am partly post-modern because I realize humanity's limits.
I am partly post-modern because, while I have great respect for science, I understand that it does not hold the answers to all my questions nor will it grant me happiness.
I am partly post-modern because I easily and happily acknowledge mystery.
I am partly post-modern because much of my emphasis in life is on community.

Cassie is stranded about twenty minutes away and needs picked up at 11:00. Brian and I are going to take a drive later tonight before picking her up. It should be a fun, relaxing time with good conversation. Peace to you all!

P.S. Tonight I am again missing 3rd Place. I just don't have the energy (nor the time with this class) to be a part tonight. It's unfortunate: we recently studied doubt in Philosophy of Religion and I may have been able to contribute somehow. Oh well.

Today has not been a bad day at all. In Philosophy of Religion we spent a lot of time talking about postmodernism and evangelism in a postmodern world. It was wonderful, because finally I was able to see the "big picture" of postmodernism with all the ins and outs (although it is an over-simplified big picture, to be sure). I was talking to Brian when the conversation turned to postmodernism. I mentioned emergent churches and he told me to be careful. I asked him what he meant. He said, "Just be careful, Man. You don't want to slip into false doctrine or anything." He's right. Unfortunately, the mindset that many have is that the emerging church is about changing doctrine to suit postmodern culture. No, not at all. The emergent church is about returning to the original doctrine without all its religious lace and living it out in a postmodern world. I plan on really exploring the emergent church here in a few weeks...

John, Brian, Megan and I were on our way to Wal-Mart when John's car broke down. We pulled it into Taco Bell and called Cassie to help us "boot up" the car. She showed up in about ten minutes and did accordingly, but John's car was still failing so we took it on a frantic drive to an automobile shop here on Price Hill. It literally the died the moment we pulled in. Everyone piled into Cassie's car, and we finally made it to Wal-Mart (needed some paper, some pens, and some contact solution). John got a movie and Megan got the two Legally Blonde movies. We hit up K.F.C. and my dinner consisted of a single buttermilk biscuit to go. We spent the rest of the night in the Alumni dorm eating and throwing back conversation. Emily joined us. Eventually Megan and Cassie left, so me and John departed, abandoning Brian and Emily in the lobby (they're hometown buddies).

So I was going to do my final exam for Sociology tonight, but Brian isn't here and we were going to do them together; I think we'll wait until tomorrow. I finished Chapter Three in "No Perfect Ending." It's probably my best work so far. Now to spend the rest of the night journaling, listening to techno with John, playing some Battlefield Vietnam, and investigating Colossians!

"Sunday School"--once again my contempt for that word sounds through in my own voice--went well today. Remarkably, we had about sixty kids (although about fifteen of them were Senior High kids). Last night I played some David Crowder and walked around the pool table, trying to think of something to do a lesson on (I've misplaced the curriculum book). I pulled out one of my favorite Teen Study Bibles and looked at some of the topics. One of them was prayer so I wrote up a lesson on that. Most of what I taught was heavily influenced by Dallas Willard's "Hearing God." A remarkable book. Most of the time we talked about how God spoke to us and why, a lot of the times, we do not hear His voice.

One of the scriptures I used was Hebrews 4:16. Until I took Bible Lands and Lifeways, I didn't realize the impact of this scripture:

So let us come boldly to the throne of our gracious God. There we will receive his mercy, and we will find grace to help us when we need it. - New Living Translation

The letter of Hebrews was written to the Messianic Jews. While most of the letters in the New Testament are written to Gentiles (written by Paul who was the emissary to the non-Jews), Hebrews was written to the Jews who had come to faith in Christ. When the Jews read what the anonymous writer wrote, no doubt they were left with a sense of awe. To a Jew, the throne of God represented the Holy of Holies in the Temple, where God's presence dwelt. No one ever went in there, except for once a year: a priest would enter to make the atoning sacrifice for the sins of Israel. The other priests would tie a rope around his ankle in case he died; if he keeled over the altar, they could drag him back to safety, drag him out of the Holy of Holies. Now, because of Christ, we are able to enter God's presence, be real with Him, hear His voice, and not fear being killed by His presence. It's pretty crazy stuff, isn't it?

So who dey? Dey losers. Brian and I are going to Skyline tonight--I will probably just get a soda, but I have no doubt that we will have a good time. We usually have good spiritual conversations, Brian and I. Good night to you all.

"A Grief Observed" by C.S. Lewis

Last night I was bored so I decided to read "A Grief Observed" by C.S. Lewis. It's no amazing feat: the book is less than one hundred pages. I believe this book is remarkable because it captures the interaction between a man in grief and his questions and contemplations on God and spirituality. He is raw and organic. I have a new respect for C.S. Lewis, and this work has put a glow around all his other writings in making you understand that, yes, he is a person, and yes, he had emotions, and yes, he knew what it was like to suffer. Here are a few quotes from the book, which is comprised of his journals:

Talk to me about the truth of religion and I'll listen gladly. Talk to me about the duty of religion and I'll listen submissively. But don't come talking to me about the consolation of religion or I'll suspect that you don't understand.

If God's goodness is inconsistent with hurting us, then either God is not good or there is no God: for in the only life we know He hurts us beyond our worst fears and beyond all we can imagine.

What is grief compared with physical pain? Whether fools may say, the body can suffer twenty times more than the mind.

What we want is to live our marriage well and faithfully through [the phase when we are separated by death] too. If it hurts (and it certainly will) we accept the pains as a necessary part of this phase. We don't want to escape them at the price of desertion or divorce. Killing the dead a second time. We were one flesh. Now that it has been cut in two, we don't want to pretend that it is whole and complete. We will still be married, still in love. Therefore we shall still ache.

There is something new to be chronicled every day. Grief is like a long valley, a winding valley where any bend may reveal a totally new landscape.

I don't agree with everything C.S. Lewis wrote, but neither did he. The above writings were spawned in grief and capture the cries of C.S. Lewis' heart. They are but glimpses of his heart and can easily be echoed by those suffering everywhere throughout the world. His thoughts, however, do turn to theological matters:

My idea of God is not a divine idea. It has to be shattered time after time. He is the great iconoclast. Could we not almost say that this shattering is one of the marks of His presence? The Incarnation is the supreme example; it leaves all precious ideas of the Messiah in ruins.

If you're approaching [God] not as the goal but as a road, not as the end but as a means, you're not really approaching Him at all.

When I lay these questions before God I get no answer. But a rather special sort of 'No answer.' It is not the locked door. It is more like a silent, certainly not uncompassionate, gaze. As though His head shook not in refusal but waiving the question. Like, 'Peace, child; you don't understand.'

How many hours are there in a mile? Is yellow square or round? Probably half the questions we ask--half our theological and metaphysical problems--are like that.

Finally he writes something very peculiar about the state of humanity:

[God's great enterprise:] To make an organism which is also a spirit; to make that terrible oxymoron, a 'spiritual animal.' To take a poor primate, a creature with a stomach that wants to be filled, a breeding animal that wants its mate, and say, 'Now get on with it. Become a god.'

A fantastic book, it comes highly recommended. Now I'm off to try to finish Chapter 4 in my new project, read some of "Just Generosity" for sociology, study some Colossians, then travel home to spend these last hours of the weekend with family and (hopefully) friends. Next week is going to be a living hell so let me enjoy the weekend's freedom while I can!

In class yesterday the topic of homosexuality came up. We established that while homosexuality--in the sense of being attracted to a member of the same sex--is not a sin, lusting in that nature and acting upon that attraction in sexual manners is sinful. As always, I try to understand why something is a sin, and I think this kind of lifestyle is considered sinful because it is a rebellion against God's originally established Way. Anyways, so how do we treat these people? It's simple: no different than someone who struggles with alcoholism or drug addiction or pornography. To struggle with homosexuality is no more or less evil than struggling with alcoholism, drug addiction, or pornography. Living a complacent lifestyle of homosexuality is just as bad as living a lifestyle of alcoholism, drug addiction, or pornography. As Christians--the students of Christ who are pursuing Christ and learning to be like Christ--, we are to gently and humbly help those who struggle with homosexuality, to tenderly and gracefully love them with Christ's love. God does not show any favoritism or partiality between struggling alcoholics and struggling homosexuals, so why, I ask, should we? So what about those who claim homosexuality as a lifestyle? We treat them just as we would treat someone who stubbornly lives a lifestyle of alcoholism: with grace, mercy, and love. Ultimately, we treat everyone as we would treat ourselves, with humble love and care. The truth is, we are no better, even if mainstream society says we are.

I've been reading J.B. Phillips' Your God Is Too Small. Debbie recommended the book to me. I started reading it once, but could not get into it. I picked it up half a year later and can't seem to keep my eyes from the pages. As I was reading it on the toilet yesterday, Phillips' words really stuck out at me:

God will inevitably appear to disappoint the man who is attempting to use Him as a convenience, a prop, or a comfort, for his own plans. God has never been known to disappoint the man who is sincerely wanting to co-operate with His own purposes.

In class today we discussed racism and prejudice, and before class I watched a special on TV about the evolution of the K.K.K. All I have to say is, "Racism sucks." It pisses me off. I never realized how much it still existed; personal stories spread throughout the discussions and several statistics honed in the point that even though much legislation against discrimination and racism has been passed, that doesn't mean racism, discrimination and prejudice has been erased. As a follower of Christ and a member of His Kingdom, I lovingly oppose racism and prejudice and embrace all people, for under Christ there is neither Jew nor Greek, slave nor free, male nor female, neither white or black or asian or latino... We are all one in Christ Jesus. I have an extended family member who is heavily racist and who is also a Christian; we studied different reasons of why racism and prejudice develops, and at least I can understand--while not agree with--where he's coming from (and the issue lies in him, not other people).

The rest of my night seems to entail this: exploring some Brian McLaren, trying to understand the Story we find ourselves in, and probably going out with John, Nick, Caleb and Cassie. Tomorrow we only have four hours of class, and the final involves an episode from Bernie Mac.

Sociology was decently interesting today. Our professor, who seems to be very steeped in postmodern and emergent thought, proposed to us a radical idea: "What would happen if we stopped going to church?" For an hour he talked about what abandoning the institutionalized church would look like, returning to being the Church in community, emphasiving communal and missional living. He had very good points, such as that Sunday gatherings were originally created in order to commemorate the life, death, and resurrection of Christ, but was underscored by communal living throughout the entire week in ekklesias (communities). In referring to the institutionalized church, he used an analogy comparing the warfare of world war 2 to the Vietnam war: in the 1940s, the world war 2 tank warfare worked excellently, but in the 1960s, the tanks--the institutionalized church that served the modern world so well--were not well-suited to the task at hand in Vietnam (akin to the institutionalized church's struggle to breathe and make an impact in a postmodern society). Change was needed; change is needed. Most of the voices in the classroom were extremely postmodern, though I imagine the majority have no idea that they were such (I have met many people here who have no clue of the emerging postmodernism). I hope I explained that well; I never do very well with technical explanations.

Caleb, Hensel and I ate dinner at O'Charley's after class. Since I don't want to waste all of my money, I just purchased a small sandwich. It was good to catch up on the times. Caleb, a desperate-yet-hopeful romantic like me, is finding life looking up for him. For the first 3/4 of first semester, he wrestled with a crush and nearly gave up, strangled in the emotional burden we both know very well. Then, out-of-nowhere, comes the news that his crush has a crush on him! We're all rooting him on. He's a very good kid and I love him like a brother.

Class was not too bad today. Most of the class revolved around the Great Enlightenment, the Industrial Revolution, and the evolution of worldviews, from pre-modern to modern and now into post-modern. I am trying to find a good book that just lays out postmodernism and the Church plain and simple so I can get a better understanding. I may just read "The Emerging Church" one more time, though I think that Dan Kimball seems to miss the point that in some places, modernism is still very well-rooted and a change into postmodern ministry may not be the best route to walk.

Tonight Caleb is coming up to visit us, and Ashley will be here, too. All of us are just hanging out around the dorms; I am actually on Alex's computer because, for some odd reason, my internet connection has vanished. The computer won't read the connection card, or whatever it's called. Dave says I probably have to do a system restore, which sucks, and he knows what he's talking about (he works I.T. full-time). I hope to give short updates every day, maybe just to keep me sane between school from 8:30 to 5:00 every day...

the c.c.u. life continues...

Ahhh... It feels good to be home. This feels like home now; it's difficult for it not to when I've spent the last several months here nearly 24/7. My Christmas Break was enjoyable, spending quality times with Lee, Chris, and the family. And quitting I.G.A.... again. There are only a few of us here: Brian, Nate, Dave and me. We're going to O'Charley's tonight followed by a journey to Kroger and Danbarry Dollar Saver. Class doesn't start till 10:00 tomorrow so we get to sleep in... Score!

It's a new year with ripe and beautiful beginnings. Last year was fun, although alloted with its fair share of highs and lows. I'm flipping excited and filled with knee-jerking suspense to see where this one takes me.