I have emotions within that fail to be described. Over the past six months, God has been giving me a clear, concise message: "Come, devote yourself entirely to Me and Me alone, and I will take you places you've never dreamed of." I don't know why I am so... stubborn. Deep down, I hunger for this entirely God-centered and Kingdom-eccentric life; I picture it in my head: a life of love, a life of humility, a life of prayer, a life of Kingdom-living, relatively untouched by distractions (and--oh!--how many distractions plague me now!).
Perhaps it is foolishness, but sometimes I want to sell everything I own, flee to Africa, and serve God in sharing the Kingdom-news with them and entering into life with them. I think America has poisoned me with materialism and selfishness; or, rather, it has given my self-centeredness room to grow and show its true colors in a comfortable, non-threatening vacuum. I don't think God is calling me to Africa (as he is doing with some of my friends); I believe my place is here in the American suburbs. Don't think that's a cop-put from a hard "primitive" life; America itself is plagued with a consumerist, selfishness-driven Christianity, a virus I must disentangle myself from daily, a disease that must be counteracted with biblical teaching.
Anyways, God is calling me to a different life, a fresh life, a new life. He has set it before me and said, "Choose whom you will serve: Me or yourself." As I write, I fear I am--in many ways--choosing the latter. I see this in the way I spend my time, my energy, my money, even my thoughts and concerns. I fear I am so preoccupied with my own dreams for myself that I refuse to give first place to God's dreams--His marvelous dreams!--for me.
Why am I so stubborn?! His words reach out to me: "Will you serve yourself or Me? Will you pursue your own pleasures and dreams or pursue Me and inherit My dreams for you and your life?" The scriptures declare that His plans for His people are good, but I know that the way I interpret "good" may not be the "goodness" of God; so a part of me fears total abandonment. I fear that if I totally abandon myself to Him and devote myself to Him, I will never experience the dream of "her," the dream of a family, the joys of being a husband and a father. This is an irrational fear, I know, yet it's a fear that is embedded deep within me. If it is to leave me, it must be cut away by the Spirit.
God is asking me, "Are you willing to give 'her' up for Me?" Notice He says willing. I realize that if I do not devote myself to Him, I may miss "her" altogether! I know which path to walk, which way to go--why won't I just lift my voice to heaven and answer, "I am yours! I deny myself and abandon my hopes, my dreams, my life, my all to you!"? I could just say it right now, but I don't know if my heart is in that position. I want such a declaration to be real, not just a blush of sentimental gush but a well-thought-out, disciplined decision.
My own apparent rebellion and Yahweh pisses me off. El-Shaddai is powerful and has the power to make me truly fruitful. Why don't I trust Him?
Perhaps it is foolishness, but sometimes I want to sell everything I own, flee to Africa, and serve God in sharing the Kingdom-news with them and entering into life with them. I think America has poisoned me with materialism and selfishness; or, rather, it has given my self-centeredness room to grow and show its true colors in a comfortable, non-threatening vacuum. I don't think God is calling me to Africa (as he is doing with some of my friends); I believe my place is here in the American suburbs. Don't think that's a cop-put from a hard "primitive" life; America itself is plagued with a consumerist, selfishness-driven Christianity, a virus I must disentangle myself from daily, a disease that must be counteracted with biblical teaching.
Anyways, God is calling me to a different life, a fresh life, a new life. He has set it before me and said, "Choose whom you will serve: Me or yourself." As I write, I fear I am--in many ways--choosing the latter. I see this in the way I spend my time, my energy, my money, even my thoughts and concerns. I fear I am so preoccupied with my own dreams for myself that I refuse to give first place to God's dreams--His marvelous dreams!--for me.
Why am I so stubborn?! His words reach out to me: "Will you serve yourself or Me? Will you pursue your own pleasures and dreams or pursue Me and inherit My dreams for you and your life?" The scriptures declare that His plans for His people are good, but I know that the way I interpret "good" may not be the "goodness" of God; so a part of me fears total abandonment. I fear that if I totally abandon myself to Him and devote myself to Him, I will never experience the dream of "her," the dream of a family, the joys of being a husband and a father. This is an irrational fear, I know, yet it's a fear that is embedded deep within me. If it is to leave me, it must be cut away by the Spirit.
God is asking me, "Are you willing to give 'her' up for Me?" Notice He says willing. I realize that if I do not devote myself to Him, I may miss "her" altogether! I know which path to walk, which way to go--why won't I just lift my voice to heaven and answer, "I am yours! I deny myself and abandon my hopes, my dreams, my life, my all to you!"? I could just say it right now, but I don't know if my heart is in that position. I want such a declaration to be real, not just a blush of sentimental gush but a well-thought-out, disciplined decision.
My own apparent rebellion and Yahweh pisses me off. El-Shaddai is powerful and has the power to make me truly fruitful. Why don't I trust Him?
4 comments:
You, my dear (don't take that the wrong way :0) ), are at the breaking point of giving it over to Him. That is why you are struggling with this. Your emotions of doubt and fear will increase as you become closer to surrender. I speak this from recent experience. I even experienced a spiritual depression of sorts the day before I laid all I had on the altar before God.
My yearly study right now is on Abraham. His journey and those things he had to lay down before God. God's amazing love helped develop his character and faith. He was patient with Abraham even during his stubborn unbelieveing periods.
It blows my mind as I study closer and in more detail.
God promised Abraham a son that Abraham so desperately desired. Abraham was almost 100 yrs. old when God gave him that blessing. That's a lotta waiting!!!!!!!!!!!! (I could relate more with Sarah. I probably would have laughed too when God said I would bare a child at her age.) Anyway, can you imagine waiting on God for that length of time for a wife (not saying God will make you wait that long :0))? Yet Abraham did wait but he chose to put God first, God molded during that time him, God called him righteous and then made his name great among many nations.
He also tested Abraham again later as you well know. God asked him to kill his own flesh and blood. The son he loved more than anything. Yet because Abraham had walked with God for so long he realized that even in the sacrifice, God could bring Isaac back to life. He thought outside the box. I love this point in scripture!!!! He believed God would not let him down. He had developed such an intimate relationship, friendship with God that he knew what had to be done in order to please God but he also knew God was not a monster that just wanted to destroy his and his son's life for the sake of it all.
Your feelings are totally relevant in wanting to find your other half and have a family some day. I believe that God will not deny you that without good reason. From what you've blogged, He really is calling you to come and abide in Him. Become passionate about Him with your whole heart. Sit at His feet. Be a 'Mary' (Barry) not a 'Martha' (ok, I couldn't find anything to rhyme with her). :0)
You are on the right path!
As I posted on your blog last time:
'Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart.' Really believe that!
Sorry for the long comment but have enjoyed reading your blogs.
Thanks, Tena. All of your comments so far have really helped me out! I appreciate it much!
Perhaps you've heard this one...there was a man sitting on the roof of his house because there was a terrible flood. He prayed to God to save him. A little while later his neighbour came by in a boat and told him to get in. He said, "No, that he prayed to God to intervene in his life and had heard from God himself that He would save him." As the water continued to rise his neighbour returned again offering to take him in his boat. Again he refused instead declairing his faith in the Lord to answer his prayer. As the water rose above his roof and around his knees his neighbour returned a third time desparately pleading with the man to get inside his boat. The man again refused saying his faith was greater than any force of nature and agian he refused the boat. Finally the water rose above his head and he drowned. Upon meeting God in heaven he asked God, "I refused my friend because I heard your message that you would save me. Why didn't you answer my prayer? My faith was true even unto death." And God said, "I sent a boat 3 times!"
I've been following this little pity party of yours for a little while now. Maybe it's time to stick your head in a bucket of ice water and get back to focusing on what you're supposed to be doing because you have no idea what you are talking about? But hey, that's okay. You're young. It's expected. This whole "her" thing is some crazy fantasy brewed up in your head. As a father of 2 and husband of 13 years married to a woman who quietly suffers from clinical depression and anxiety, sympathizing with people who commit suicide, and a friend to man with 2 young sons who had to watch his wife die of cancer I can tell you that the "relationship with her" you whine about can be hard, hard work. So wipe your tears, grow a spine and a pair of broad shoulders because life is hard and you, my new friend, may well have some very heavy lifting to do in life if you are to carry the weight of others (yes, OTHERS) in whatever "ministry" you find yourself. I, a complete stranger (much like those you claim to be looking to devote your life to serving in the name of God) took the time to share with you my own struggles with Christianity and God's message only to receive the polite "thanks for sharing" without any sign of serious consideration or reflective thought, instead returning to your own misery. I marvel at people who claim to hear God talking to them when really it was last nights pizza. Onward Christian soldier, I'm guessing God isn't looking for yet another door mat!
Thanks for your comments, Rink Rat. I consider them even now.
As to it being a fantasy, I completely disagree. I know it's possible. I have parents who live it. I know many people who live it. Is it hard work? Yes, and I don't deny that. But everything beautiful and wonderful is hard work. I have spent much time learning to decipher "the voice of God," and while I do not claim to be an authority on it and acknowledge that I could very well be wrong, I KNOW that God has told me REPEATEDLY, "One of my desires for your life is to be a good husband and a good father. The world needs more of them, and you're designed to be one of them."
As to a pity party, I don't think I am throwing a "pity party." I am simply opening up my heart. I don't hide my emotions. Too many people do, and when people open them up, they are often looked down upon. I open up my heart not to whine about my situation, but to discover God in the midst of it and hear His voice. God is the God of the living, not the dead, and a living heart aches.
Once again, thanks for your comments.
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