Caleb and I lied in our separate beds last night, the clock on my cellphone glowing 2:47 a.m. I stared at the ceiling and listened to the rain tapping at the window. My voice broke the silence: "Are you awake?"

"Yeah, Man," he said. "You okay?"

I asked, refusing to avert my eyes from the dark ceiling, "Do you ever feel like a lonely rhinoceros, wandering the empty sands of the Namibian Desert, searching for an oasis but finding none, slowly withering away until your legs give out and vultures pick you apart as you lie dying and decrepit on the scorching sands?"

After a pause, "No. But I'm assuming you meant that allegorically. The rhinoceros is you. The desert is life. The oasis is... Julie?"

"No. The oasis is satisfaction and fulfillment. Peace and joy. Real life. Something... more than this. More than this life I live now."

"Oh. And your lying in the sand dying and being picked apart by vultures? What does that mean?"

"Other than it being a purely cinematic climax, I guess it could refer to my giving up and resigning from the dream I have for my life."

"Well," Caleb said. "Maybe the oasis is just over the next mountain of sand? You never know. You just have to keep pushing."

I lied awake until nearly 5:00 a.m.

"300"
Based on Frank Miller's Graphic Novel about
the Battle of Thermopylae in 480 B.C.

Being an avid fan of ancient history, you can imagine I'm quite excited about this movie, which comes out quite soon. I first heard about it in October, and while I usually do not anticipate movies, this one is an exception. The battle sequences look amazing, the suspense and drama seem unparalleled, and the actors apparently play their roles extremely well. It is made and directed by the same directors of "Sin City," which I thought was really good. A lot of people made a big hoopla about it, but I think "Sin City" is amazing.

"SNL: The Perfect Gift"
Warning: This Video Contains Some Possibly Offensive Material

I think watching the video captures my thoughts best. It's hilarious. There are some things we try not to laugh at, and this might be one of them, but when it boils down to it... It's hilarious. "Thanks, Amos, for showing this to me a few weeks ago."

receiving salvation, part II: repentance

The scriptures are very clear that repentance is a necessary avenue to take in receiving God’s free gift of salvation; just look at a handful of scriptures: Lk 9.23, Lk 13.3, Acts 2.38, Acts 16.30, Acts 26.20, Rom 6.1-2, and 2 Pet 3.9. The importance of repentance is seen vividly in Heb 6.1—it is the first principle in the Christian message! Sinners in need of forgiveness are called to repentance (Mt 3.2, Lk 5.32, Acts 8.22, 26.20), repentance is linked to the forgiveness of sins (Mk 1.3, Lk 3.3, 24.47, Acts 2.38, 3.19, 5.31, 8.22), and it leads to life (Acts 11.8) and salvation (2 Cor 7.10). “Why is repentance necessary?” Because the nature of salvation (being saved from sin) requires a hatred of sin; when confronted with the gospel, one must make a choice: sin or salvation. The one not chosen must, by nature, be “cast off.”

So the question arises: “What is repentance?” Biblical repentance includes a hatred of sin; instead of loving sin, we hate it as God hates it (godly sorrow); this is different from hating the consequences of sin (worldly sorrow) (2 Cor 7.10). It includes a remorse for sin, an experience of guilt and sorrow over sin, s seen in David’s life (Ps 51.17); again, this is a godly sorrow. It includes a desire to be rid of sin (again, Ps 51) and a subsequent determination to be rid of seen, fleshed-out in a sincere commitment to forsake sin and walk in obedience to the Messiah, Jesus Christ. Sadly, protestants often have an anemic view of repentance (saying, “I’m sorry, God, please forgive me,” is not biblical repentance). Repentance involves a change of one’s entire lifestyle, a change from a self-indulgent, self-honoring, self-serving, and self-loving life to a God-indulging, God-pleasing, God-honoring, God-serving, and God-loving life. In order for us to truly examine the realities of repentance in our world under the new covenant, we must first look at repentance in the light of the New Testament. In the New Testament, the meaning of repentance is heightened. The gospel’s call to repentance begins with John the Baptist (Mt 3.5-12, Lk 3.7-14) and is then taken up by Jesus throughout his ministry. There are three Greek words the New Testament uses for repentance. The first is metamelomai, and this refers to a change of mind that produces regret or remorse on account of sin; there is no necessary change of heart (this is the “repentance” Judas experienced in Mt 27.3 after betraying Jesus). Sadly, many protestants reflect only this part of repentance; to many protestants, repentance is saying, “I’m sorry,” and going about life. This is, as I’ve said, a very anemic—and deadly—view of repentance. The second Greek word is metanaeo, and this is a change in one’s mind (like metamelomai) that is coupled with a change in purpose, as the result of the knowledge. It ties directly into the third Greek word (metanoia) that is the “climax” of repentance, where a change of mind and purpose produces a change of life (to which the forgiveness of sins is promised). The call to repentance is a plea to turn from sin/idols (whatever they may be) and to embrace the living God (Acts 14.15); it is a call to turn from darkness to light and from the dominion of Satan to the dominion of God (Acts 26.18). True repentance, then, involves a true sense of one’s own guilt and sinfulness (Psalm 51), an apprehension of God’s mercy (Ps 130.4) (experienced by Christians in Christ), an actual hatred of sin (Ps 119.128, Job 42.5-6, 2 Cor 7.10), a turning from sin to God, and the pursuing of a holy life in an intimate relationship with God. It cannot be stressed enough: repentance is not ONLY a change in mind; it is a new life of turning to God (1 Thess 1.9), and it involves a new way of living life (new behavior) (Acts 26.20). The New Testament’s cry is indisputable: “Repent and turn to God!” Finally, the New Testament views repentance (like faith) as a gift of God (Acts 5.31, 11.15-18, 2 Tim 2.25).

Repentance is needed under the new covenant, and it was needed under the old covenant as well. Israel’s turning back to God in 2 Chr 7.14 is viewed as repentance. Repentance in the Old Testament is seen as an abandonment of the sin-life and embracing the God-life; it is abandoning a life pursuing sin and embracing a life guided by God’s law (Torah) and His will for peoples’ lives. Three main Hebrew words are used for repentance: shuva has to do with one’s turning from serving sinful idols to serving the one true God, and it involves faith; thus true repentance is turning to God. The second Hebrew word is sar/sur, and this refers to one’s turning his or her back on evil; Job was a righteous man not because he was perfect and without sin, but because he turned his back on evil after he committed it. The third Hebrew word is naham, and this means “to change your life and be comforted.” A change of life is necessary, and repentance leads to God-given comfort. When one explores repentance in the Old Testament, he or she will see that repentance is seen as an act with stages. Part One (“Sin”) has two parts: a public confession to those involves and a private confession before God. Part Two (“A Plea for Mercy”) involves an appeal to God for His mercy (Hebrew words used for mercy include hesed [“faithful mercy, loving-kindness”, which is similar to grace; this shows that God is faithfully merciful], rahum [compassionate mercy], hen [compassion in the face of plight], and hus [great mercy]. Part Two also includes a submission to God’s judgment and authority: “God, you are just in how You judge me.” It is a confession that God is not to blame for our sin; no, we are the only culprit. It is an admittance to God that His judgment is just… but it is also a plea, “Please, don’t judge me even though You have the right and I deserve it!” Part Three (“Divine Act”) includes a plea to God for a change of heart and life (truly, a plea for a miracle!) and admittance to God: “You must change me! I cannot change myself!” Part Four (“The Vow”) includes a vow of a new lifestyle. The vow is hard, especially because of “besetting sins” that ensnare humanity (peoples’ “secret sins”). This vow is not just a vow for a new lifestyle, but a vow for a new future.

But how does faith and repentance work together? It would seem that they rubbed together in friction. The opposite, however, is true. When looking at faith and repentance, we must look at it from a Hebraic perspective. “How did the Jews view faith and repentance?” To the Jews, repentance and faith were intimately connected: one could not have faith without repentance, and one could not have repentance without faith. So repentance comes with genuine faith—one cannot have biblical faith without biblical repentance, and vice versa. Faith and repentance can be seen as two aspects of the same movement (this is why New Testament preaching often calls for either faith or repentance alone, for the hearers knew that the two are intimately connected). Faith includes repentance; one cannot assent to the truth of the gospel and trust in Christ without this “genuineness” being “backed-up” by repentance.

“How can I tell if my repentance is real and not just a sham?” Biblical repentance shows itself in “fruit… keeping with repentance” (Mt 3.8); repentance is shown true in deeds (Acts 26.20); it is shown true in a changed life. Saving repentance is not the fruit of repentance (this is legalism), but true repentance produces fruit (if there is no fruit of repentance, then there is no true biblical repentance; see John 14.15 and 15.1-11).

Again, it cannot be stressed too much that biblical repentance is a moral act involving the turning of the whole person in spirit, mind and will to the consent and subjection to the will of God.

Thursday afternoon, April and I talked about suffering and the role it plays in the evolution of our identity. Somewhere in the conversation, I said what is the headline of my blog: "Suffering, no matter how you look at it, breaks us. But as we lie in our brokenness, we have three options: we can remain in our broken states and bury our heads in the sand, we can try to piece ourselves back together, or we can rise up on the wings of eagles and take the broken pieces of our lives and fuse them together into a mosaic masterpiece that makes our lives before the suffering fade in comparison."

There's no getting around the fact that suffering has been thrust upon me. No matter which angle you explore it from, my life over the past four months has been far from enjoyable. Yes, I've had my moments of laughter and joy, but overall my life has been scarred with a whole host of emotional, spiritual, and psychological suffering. In my counseling sessions, we are beginning to see that this suffering did not begin when Julie broke up with me; rather, the breakup acted as a catalyst for a volcanic eruption spewing forth a plethora of bottled-up and masked emotions, thoughts, and feelings.

I stand on the threshold where I have a decision to make: which of the three routes will I pursue? Will I remain in my brokenness? No. Will I simply try to go back five months ago and restart there, pretending none of this ever happened? No. I will take this suffering and use it as a tool to evolve. I will become stronger, wiser, and build my character--all with God's help, of course. I will allow it to shape me into the person whom He wants me to be.

***

And, totally unrelated but fun nonetheless, here are some pictures I took of my humble occupation (Hilltop Coffee Shop) as we shut down for the night after all the customers were shooed out. Caleb is the supervisor working behind the counter (the tall guy, my best friend at college), Kyle (one of my other best friends), and Lizzie (again, one of my other best friends!).

receiving salvation, part I: faith

While many Christian denominations disregard or sleight the importance of repentance, confession, and baptism in the receiving process of salvation, hardly any will disregard faith as important (save for such denominations holding universal approaches to salvation). The scriptures clearly teach in blatant form the necessity of faith in experiencing salvation. Just explore these verses and see for yourself: Mk 1.14-15, Mk 16.16, John 3.16-18, John 5.24, John 6.46-51, John 8.24, Acts 16.29-33, Rom 3.21-26, Rom 10.9-13, Gal 2.15-16, Eph 2.8-10, Heb 11.6, and 1 John 3.23. The scriptures view faith as a “stepping-forward,” not into darkness as some presume (“blind faith” advocates), but rather a “stepping-forward” into light.

But what is faith? Heb 11.1 says that faith is being sure of what is hoped for and certain of what is not yet seen. Phil 1.27 states that the mind is involved in faith, and 2 Thess 2.13 emphasizes a consent to something as true. Biblical faith has, at the center of its being, the aspect of trust, though this trust is preceded by the assent of the gospel as true. The two main Greek words used in the New Testament for faith (pistos and pisteuo) reflect these two main connotations of faith. Faith begins with assent and belief; this is an act of the mind, a judgment of the intellect that a particular statement or idea is true. Faith thus involves the knowledge of something (John 10.38) and the assent of the will to that knowledge (1 John 2.3). This assent is the assent of the truth we hear through the testimony of other people. It is an assent to the truth of Christ’s testimony (John 14.6, 18.37) and to the testimony of the apostles and prophets and seen in biblical writings (Eph 2.20). It is a belief that the testimony is true without firsthand experience of that which is being testified (2 Cor 5.7, Heb 11.1, 1 Pet 1.8-9). This is not a blind faith, as many assume, but, rather, is backed-up by reason, logic, and evidence. One can believe the gospel to be true but that is not enough (as will be explored in a moment); one must believe the gospel to be true and commit oneself to the implications of this belief; this is true, biblical faith. This is where trust comes in: it is the decision of the will to act upon the truth that is assented to. Trust is a personal surrender to the implications and consequences of the truth, a personal surrender of everything we are and everything we have to Christ (2 Tim 1.12), knowing that Christ will take care of us. We are to trust in Christ alone for our salvation; trust is relying on God alone for salvation (Gal 2.16, Phil 3.9, John 3.16-26, Acts 10.43). The sinner, in faith, believes in the truth of Christ and runs to him, throwing his sins at God’s feet and trusting Christ alone for salvation; it is an embrace of the gospel with one’s entire being (1 Thess 2.13). So biblical faith has two primary aspects: assent and trust. Some Christians make the mistake of disregarding trust and holding onto assent all on its own. However, faith as assent only is hopeless: demons assent that the biblical God is the true God (Jas 2.19-20), and demons believe Jesus is His Son (Mk 1.24, 5.7); however, they do not experience salvation. Why? Because they are not committed to His will (an exploration of salvation in the roles of angels will not be given here). So assent must be followed by trust! Jas 2.17-26 emphasizes in striking language that assent-only belief is useless, and we see in the gospel narratives that many Pharisees believed Jesus’ testimony but refused to commit for fear of their peers (John 12.42): they missed out on salvation. In the New Testament, faith involves assent and trust, and in the Old Testament, it was the same: the Jews assented to YHWH being the one true God, and they committed their lives to Him (at least the pious ones did).

How does biblical faith come about? It begins through teaching and hearing (Rom 10.14-17), and the hearer of the teaching must be preceded by a willful assent to the teachings as true and a commitment to them; thus their will is renewed (or touched) by God (1 Cor 2.14, 2 Cor 4.4). In this sense, the mind becomes enlightened (John 6.44, Acts 13.48, 2 Cor 4.6, Eph 1.17-18), and the hearer of the gospel thus assents to its truth and puts his or her trust in it. Faith, it must be stressed, too, is a mystery that cannot be peeled apart: it is a gift from God (Eph 2.8), and yet it is an attitude of the spirit freely exercised (John 14.1, Acts 16.31); so faith is both a divinely-bestowed gift and an uncoerced human activity. Quite the paradox!

“So what is biblical faith’s role in salvation?” First, it brings freedom from condemnation (i.e. justification) (John 5.24, Rom 8.1). Second, it brings participation in the divine life (John 14.19). Third, it brings us to peace and friendship with God (reconciliation) (Rom 5.1). Fourth, it brings us sanctification (we are made holy) (Acts 26.18). Most importantly, God’s saving grace as always been received in faith. We see this in both the Old Testament (Gen 14.6, 2 Chr 20.20, Jonah 3.5, Hab 2.4) and the New Testament (John 1.12, 3.15-18, 36, 6.47, 20.31). The very theme of Romans (“man is justified by faith apart from the works of the Law”) plays into this very well.

“Can we tell if we have true faith?” Some people believe that one cannot really tell whether or not their faith is genuine or not; however, the scriptures are very clear about this. In answer to this question, they scream, “Yes! You can tell!” 1 Cor 13.5 tells us to test ourselves to see if we are really in the faith. How do we do this? Simple: if our faith is real, it will show itself in “fruit.” “Fruit” does not mean how many people we lead to Christ; I have seen someone terrified for their salvation because they had not yet led anyone to Christ, so I stress this heavily: “fruit” refers to the lifestyle we live. Is our lifestyle radiant of Christ? Is it obedient? Is it a lifestyle of pursuing the will of God? Is our lifestyle different from when we did not have faith? If so, we’ve produced fruit; if not, we have not produced fruit. Our “fruit” will not be perfect: no one is totally perfect, and so no one will totally obey; but those with genuine faith will desire and pursue obedience to God’s will. The one whose faith is shown false by lack of fruit stands condemned, for their faith is fake, even if they are convinced it is true.

One very important topic for discussion is the “conflict” of faith and works. The great question is, “How does faith tie in with good behavior, good works, and obedience to God? Can we get by without obeying God if we have faith?” Behind this question, I believe, lies two polar motivations: either a person genuinely wants to know because they truly love God and are looking for answers to their questions, or a person wants a loophole because he or she wants “fire insurance” from God while having no real love for Him or desire to do what He wants. This conflict arises from the (apparently) two contradictions between major biblical writers, the Apostle Paul and the brother of Jesus, James: Paul says, “Genuine faith is expressed in ethical behavior,” and James says, “Genuine faith is intimately coupled with its expression in good works.” How do we reconcile these statements? Two models have been given for this reconciliation. The first is the “Faith & Works Apart” model; it states: “In order for one to experience salvation, one must have faith, live a lifestyle of repentance, confess Jesus as YHWH, be baptized, and (incorrectly) do good works.” This model is unbiblical. The biblical model states: “In order for one to experience salvation, one must live a lifestyle of repentance, confess Jesus as YHWH, be baptized, and have faith; this faith, if genuine, will produce good works naturally.” Therefore, faith does not include works, but it produces works. One can state it this way: “When a person puts trust in Jesus Christ and surrenders his or her entire life to him, the implications of this decision are good works.” This ties in with the question, “How do we know if our faith is genuine?” If “fruit” (which is a changed lifestyle, including good deeds) is present.

It is genuine belief and faith in Christ that brings salvation. How can we tell if our belief is genuine or not? We can tell by our repentance. Christ says that if we do not repent, we will perish. This is not legalism. Christ is saying, “If your faith is real, you’ll be saved. And real faith is accompanied by real repentance.” The Jewish view of faith has, at its heart, repentance. We must understand this. Belief—even “serious” belief—is empty without repentance.

One might ask (and many do), “What if my faith is frail, even doubtful at times?” The right answer: “The power is not in the faith itself, but in the object of faith, who is Christ. Even if your faith is, at times, paper-thin, if you still live a life commitment to Jesus Christ even when it hurts, you are doing okay.”

I got a book from the campus bookstore called "Healing is a choice." It targets emotional healing in particularly. I've needed a book to read in my spare time, and seeing my current circumstances, I picked up this one in the hope that it may shed light on some ways I can further my emotional healing. According to the author (and I agree with him), God wants to heal us, but we have some decisions and actions we must make as well. There is no quick-easy fix for healing those scars that have left us broken and bleeding.

Some people believe that if emotional wounds are left untouched, they'll fade with time. He counters this by saying, "A physical wound must be cleaned and medicated rather than ignored. Emotional and spiritual wounds also need attention. They don't just simply fade away." (viii) He continues, "God built... emotional and spiritual healing ability into must of us. If the ability to heal were not there, loss after loss, piling pain on top of pain, would so overwhelm us that we could not continue. We would lose our minds and not go on."

How do we tap into this healing ability, though? The first step, obviously, is prayer. When searching for healing, most people just stick to praying. The author does not believe that this is enough. In some cases prayer brings about instantaneous healing, but most of the time it does not. Prayers can go unanswered for years. Throughout his book, the author outlines several different ways to pursue true healing. However, some people miss the simple step of prayer because they often are afraid of rejection: "I don't want to pray for healing, because if I don't receive it, then I've been rejected by God." We must remember God's promise that He will give us what we desire as long as it is in accordance with His divine will.

A great danger in pursuing healing is the idea that God wants to heal us instantaneously. "We come to believe that God wants us to be instantly healed, and sometimes we demand it, but that is usually not the case. God rarely provides an instant fix to our problems, because it does little to change our hearts or grow our characters. As a result, we either stay stuck in our difficult lives or finally decide to do things God's way--or we at least come to believe that our own way may not be the best way." (xxiii)

The author stresses one point with abandon: God wants to heal us. He refers back to the passage in John 5 where Jesus approaches a diseased man and asks, "Do you want to get well?" God is asking us the same question: "Do you want to get well?" Do I want to get well? Yes! I do not want to be stuck in this awful misery. I want to taste again the great joy and peace of being in a deep, rich, beautiful communion with God. Jesus said to the diseased man, "Take up your mat and walk." Just as the diseased man had a job to do in order to be healed by Jesus, so we, too, have specific tasks to bring God's marvelous healing into our lives.

As he sums up the introduction, the author says:

"Don't be discouraged.
Don't lose hope.
God has not given up on you,
so don't give up on God or His plan.
God has given you favor.
God loves you so much.
He wants the best for you." (xxv)

I have a feeling that I'll love this book or hate it. I'm generally reluctant to explore self-help books, but after the author shared his own story of a heart-wrenching divorce and how he was able to experience healing, I figure that if this man's doing okay then maybe his words can help.

"Why is salvation conditional?"

In my experience in various ministerial roles, I have come across a false belief that Romans 8.38-39 tells us that salvation is unconditional because God always loves us; this interpretation (known as a sort of proof-texting) ignores other such statements as John 3.16-18. Thus salvation itself is conditional, though God’s love is not. He deeply loves us, likes us, and desires us in our worst moments, whether we are Christians or not. “Then how come hell exists?” Because a God of love cannot be separated from a God of justice; God’s justice commands that those who do not embrace His gift of salvation be given what they deserve for the (sinful) lives they have lived.

So now we must explore why salvation is conditional. It is simple: it is conditional because mankind has free will. Even in the fallen state, mankind has free will—our wills are not totally incapacitated or depraved. Thus all people who hear the word of the gospel have a choice of the will to either embrace Christ or to reject him. God set the universe up this way, where we have a choice to run to Him or to run away from Him. He will not force us in either direction, for this goes against His character of love, and so the choice of salvation is up to us as individuals. The great question Joshua asked the Israelites is now asked to all people who have heard the word of the gospel: “Whom will you follow?” Will we follow Christ and receive salvation, or will we follow pseudo-gods and reject salvation? It is entirely up to us. This point cannot be stressed enough.

“If salvation is conditional, then it’s not free!” some will object. In answer to this objection, I say, “No, salvation is free… and God has given us a map to receive the free gift. He has told us how to receive it.” And thus we have the conditions for salvation. Look at it this way: someone has a million dollars in a safe-deposit box waiting for you at the bank. It’s all yours! But you have to drive to the bank, show your I.D., get the key, and unlock the safe to get the money. Does this make the one million dollars any less free? No way! It’s a free gift, but it must be received. This is a crude analogy, so I offer up a better one. Let’s say that a parent is holding out a new toy to his son. The son reaches out and grabs the toy. Is the gift free? Yes. But the son still had to reach out and grab it; these were the conditions for his free gift. “But that’s legalism!” some will exclaim. No, it’s not. And while a full discourse on the meaning of legalism and its non-rule in salvation cannot be given here, suffice it to say that nowhere in the New Testament are the four conditions of salvation viewed by Christians as works (with the exception of the “hot topic” baptism). So, as the saying goes, “a gift offered is not necessarily a gift received.” God offers the free gift of salvation, but not all will receive it. Not everyone will go to the bank for their one million dollars, and not every son will reach out to take the free toy. God calls sinners to Him, but sinners have a choice to heed the call. If we receive the gift as God has told us to, we will get it! But if we do not receive the gift as He has called us to, we will not.

The conditions for receiving the gift of salvation have, in some ways, changed between the Old Covenant and the New Covenant (though, as Paul makes clear in his letter to the Romans, the basic precepts remain the same). When examining the New Testament’s statements of the conditions of salvation (faith, repentance, confession, and baptism), one must come to face the fact that this is how God has made it. If someone does not like one of the conditions for receiving salvation, he or she has no say in it. “Who can bargain with God and win?” Certainly Job found that the answer was, “No one.” “Who can wrestle with God and win?” Certainly Jacob learned Job’s lesson, too! No matter how much we cry and whine about something we do not like about how God has set up salvation to be received, it doesn’t change a thing. In God’s sovereignty, in His wisdom, He has decided to give His free gift of salvation—through Christ and Christ alone—to all people dependent upon them meeting the conditions He has set forth in His wisdom. The rest of this survey will examine the different conditions for salvation (beginning with faith and continuing through repentance, confession, and baptism).

On Sunday, I taught class on developing our intimacy with God, lied around for a little while, then returned to campus to eat pizza and watch t.v. with Nate, Kirby, and Courtney. On Monday I went shopping with Trista to buy some new clothes (my winter-clothes stash is extraordinary, but I'll need some new clothes when spring comes around in about a month). Trista became deathly ill Monday night, probably from food poisoning from Burger King; on Tuesday I took her to Walgreens and bought her some medicine, and I ate dinner with Nate and Kirby before working 6-9 p.m. I spent the rest of my night hanging out with Rochelle and Cassie, and then with Kyle, Andrew and Lizzie. Today was a good day: I finished my book review on N.T. Wright's Paul just in time for class, and after working 1-4 I took a fantastic 2-hour nap. I hung out with Emily and Becky in the coffee shop before heading over to the Alumni Dorm for Open Dorms. I spent my time with Megan and Becky on first floor, then with Trista, Kirby, Nate and Courtney in their basement apartment. We took shots of cranberry juice (yeah, we're Christian rebels), watched some E.T., then Joe and I went for a drive talking about the parallels between the Old and New covenants and how the Enemy oftentimes gleefully uses tradition to drive wedges through the church. Right now I am sitting in the coffee shop typing on one of the computers, dreading going back to my room to clean (because Caleb and I received three demerits during room checks).

Life has been going pretty well. Every now and then insecurities arise: "Am I lovable?" has been a big one lately. I can't help but feel that I'm physically inadequate, too much of a social blunder, and too awkward to be lovable by a girl. "All three of my girlfriends in the last month are happily with other boys," I told Caleb. "They're feelings for me 'mysteriously' disappeared. How am I supposed to interpret that?" I said, "The way I see it, girls are drawn to two things in guys. First, physical appearance, which I'm not too great at. And second, suave and sophistication, which, again, I fail at." He beat me on the head verbally and told me to stop letting my perception become twisted. Oh well. I guess we all have internal struggles, I'm just brave enough (or foolish enough?) to reveal them to anyone who cares. Maybe it's bravery, maybe it's foolishness, I don't know. What I do know, however, is that countless people have told me in person or via email or through whatever means that my honesty inspires and encourages them. So I guess it's worth it?

Tomorrow's post shall be quite exciting, I hope: "Why is salvation conditional?" The series will probably take two weeks, because I don't care too much for just throwing theological discussions up like potpouri. Anyhow, here is a picture of Nate, Trista, Courtney and me laying in the bed in their room during Alumni Open Dorms (and, yes, for anyone concerned, the door to the apartment was quite open):

"What is Salvation?"

The ancient Jews’ perception of salvation was quite different from our modern Christian perception of salvation, as shall be discussed here. To the ancient Jews, salvation meant being radically delivered from death, sickness, disease, trouble, fear, and (for the most part) earthly enemies. The history of the Jewish nation—the Israelites—is fraught with oppression from enemy nations: first the Egyptians, then the Amalekites and Amorites, then the Philistines and Canaanites, followed by the Assyrian Empire and the Babylonian Empire. After the Babylonian oppressors came the Medo-Persians, then the Greeks, and finally the Romans oppressed the Jewish nation in the days of Jesus of Nazareth. Nowadays, within Christian circles, “salvation” means—in the mindsets of most Christians—something entirely different. It is mainly viewed as simply being forgiven of our sins (having them not counted against us) so that we can go to heaven when we die. Thus the Good News is perceived as being good news about where we go when we die, yet even the most cursory and unbiased look at the New Testament scriptures reveals that, to Jesus and to the early Christians, the Good News is more concerned with our life now and how we live our lives now than what happens after we die and what life will be like in heaven.

In an exploration of salvation, one must first look to Jesus’ view of salvation. “How did Jesus look at salvation?” is the great question. According to Jesus and his many teachings, salvation is something that bears upon life in the here-and-now, not just in eternity. In fact, the majority of Jesus’ teachings are focused on life now, and only a select handful is focused on life in eternity. In a beautiful passage (John 10.10), Jesus says, “Evil steals life from you, kills you slowly, and destroys your life. But I have come to bring you a real, good, and beautiful life, a life better than you could’ve ever imagined!” It is certainly difficult to reconcile this with a purely heavenly-focused perception of salvation. While this is in no way exhaustive, this short look at Jesus’ life-now and life-then perception of salvation leads us to examine what salvation meant to New Testament Christians.

We gleam information on what salvation meant to early Christians primarily through the Christian writings found in the New Testament. When examining these writings, several aspects of Christian salvation are unearthed. First, salvation means that we have a new life of intimacy with God; instead of being His enemies, we become His friends. Second, we are connected to Christ, in union with Christ, learning how to live from Christ, who—through his life—showed us what true life—true humanity!—really looks like. Third, we are able to interact with God in our daily, mundane lives. Fourth, our past, present, and future sins are not held against us; we are blameless because of Christ. Fifth, we are “born again”: given a new heart, a new spirit, and a new love for God. Sixth, we are righteous because Christ is righteous (we are not righteous on our own: it is Christ and Christ alone who makes us righteous, for our own righteousness is like dirty rags compared to the righteousness, justice, and holiness of God). Seventh, we become members of a new, counter-cultural community called the church, the mystical “body of Christ.” Eighth, we are rescued from fruitless ways of living (such as materialism and indulgence), being raised to a newness in life, throwing the old sinful nature in the trash. Ninth, we are given the power through God’s Spirit to become a new kind of people in the world: we are rescued from the prisons of self-indulgence, selfishness, greed, pride, and indifference, the hallmarks of humanity; we are called to be different, “set apart” (holy). Tenth, we are co-laborers with God in His mission for the world; His spiritual mission is to reconcile all things to Himself, and His physical mission is to make the world a better place (and these two missions are interconnected in the inauguration of the new creation with Christ and its coming consummation at his appearing). Eleventh, we are given the availability to experience satisfaction, joy, meaning and purpose in our new existence in God. Twelfth and finally, we have a new future: a future of intimacy with God, with other God-followers, and with creation itself in a new universe we will inhabit (heaven); on the same coin, we are saved from the punishment of eternal destruction in hell.

But to fly in the face of universalism (the belief that all people are saved through the cross) comes the biblical truth that salvation is conditional. The next section will examine the conditionality of salvation, and the following sections will examine the conditions for salvation (trust in and commitment to Jesus Christ as Master [faith], turning from a life of self-indulgence to a life of God-indulgence [repentance], confessing Jesus as God in both words and life [confession], and baptism [needless to say, a very hot topic]).

On Wednesday, I ate lunch with Nate, Kirby, Trista and Courtney. They decided to go sledding, and Kirby joined me to go along. So Nate and I grabbed our gear and met them behind the Alumni Dorm, where we went down the huge hill (covered with a fresh layer of ice, making for a speed-of-sound descent and an interesting ascent) on broken plastic sleds and a mattress stolen from the dorm. Everything was going fantastic until, sadly, we all decided to go down on the mattress together. Courtney and Trista bailed at the beginning, Nate's foot got stuck in the snow and he flipped off the sled, and Kirby and I hit the bottom of the hill and flipped forward: and Kirby's ankle had snapped in half! She was rushed to the emergency room, and she is doing okay now after a good deal of surgery.

This could accurately be called the "hill of death". It doesn't seem too steep until you realize that there's actually a climatic drop-off that the camera doesn't catch.

I slipped on the ice as I tried to climb up the hill, and this is one of Trista's pictures right before I plunged down the hill. So slippery was the ice that sometimes one had to go up one hands and legs to keep from sliding (and that in itself proved to be a challenge!).

Nate and I beginning our descent down the hill. It would prove to be a risky descent: we almost hit multiple trees and a concrete barrier, and eventually I slid off the mattress and hit a tree (as Trista so eloquently captures with her camera):

A snapshot taken milliseconds before I made sweet love to the ice-draped tree.

Nate and I carrying the mattress back up. I carried it halfway up the steps (which were drenched in ice; notice Nate grasping the handrail), and then Nate took over for me.

A bittersweet ending: here is Kirby in the hospital, embracing Nate. She may have broken her ankle, but at least she and Nate grew closer together through this unfortunate climax to a day spent sledding in the snow!

I asked Katy, "How do I find healing in God? See, I'm a very conceptual person. I know the intricacies of the theology of emotional healing from God. I know His promises of healing and protection. I know He wants--desperately wants!--to heal me. But when it comes to actually fleshing this theology out in the practicalities of my daily life, I find myself at a loss."

Katy paused, said, "I'm like you. Something I struggle with practically applying biblical concepts and principles. But, to answer your question, let me tell you what I've learned: if you want to experience emotional healing from God, devote all your time and thinking to God. 'Pray without ceasing.' That's the way we communicate with God, and He's told us, 'Ask, and you shall receive'--as long as it's in His will. I'm pretty sure God wants you to be emotionally healed. It's His loving, parental, kind and gracious nature. I think a lot of the times God is just waiting for us to ask for what we truly desire so that He can give it to us. So I'd recommend this: pray, know His promises for healing and protection, meditate on scripture, and wait on God to heal you. I think that's what we're supposed to go. There's no magical buttons or mystical formulas to this kind of thing. We need to let God really work on our hearts."

I sighed and said, "We make things so complicated sometimes, don't we?"

"Yeah. The book of Psalms is such a healing balm for everything: hurt, anguish, anger. You name it, it's there. I would start there and just read and meditate them."

I love looking to my godly friends for guidance and direction. Katy is certainly one of the godliest girls I know, and she has such great wisdom. I need to pray for God's wisdom.

***

Some time ago I promised a series on "Salvation." Well, that series begins tomorrow. Here's what to expect this week (among some other posts as well):

1) "What is salvation?"
2) "Is salvation conditional?"
3) Faith
4) Repentance
5) Confession
6) Baptism (possibly the most controversial of them all!)

My friend Katy told me to listen to a sermon by Mark Driscoll; you can listen to it here (trust me: "It's worth your time, especially if you're single!"). I've read one of Mark's books, I frequent his blog, and I have his second book on my list of "need-to-reads". He's an amazing man of God with a witty sense of humor who is not afraid to be raw and uncensored when it comes to preaching the Message. He's the kind of preacher I would like to be one day (though, in all honesty, I will need to grow a lot more spiritually and get a grip on my life before that happens!). Here are a few of my thoughts after listening to the sermon...

The sermon followed a chapter of the story of Ruth, a Moabite woman who lived in the days of the judges. Before he leaps into the bulk of his sermon (Ruth 4.1-12), he does an excellent overview of the story up to that point. One aspect of the story that stuck out to me was how Boaz and Ruth miraculously came together. The Spirit, I believe, spoke to me: "She's out there. Stop worrying. Just follow Me. I'll take care of everything." That was comforting, to say the least.

One point that Mark made is that those who want to be married must start preparing for marriage now by becoming men now. That involves financial responsibility. This is something I struggle with. I buy things compulsively. If I'm bored, I take my paycheck and go buy a book or a coffee at Borders. If I want to be married one day, I must start preparing now. Preparing financially, mentally, spiritually. I must pursue my education, get a good job, and save up money to buy a house and begin getting ready to settle down. God will bring her to me in His timing.

Another aspect that struck out to me is how Boaz served as Ruth's "redeemer." Men who are husbands are to be redeemers for their wives. If my wife ends up being someone who has gone through sexual abuse, rape, or something of that nature, I want to be her earthly redeemer. If my wife ends up being someone who has gone through a divorce or been left alone by another man, I want to be her earthly redeemer. If my wife ends up being someone who has been rejected and alone her entire life, I want to be her earthly redeemer. The passion to be a redeemer boils deep inside my veins.

As Mark closes his remarkable sermon (and these points are scattered, I know, and for that I apologize), he says, "You single people out there must ask yourselves this question: 'Is my desire for my future clear in my own mind?'" My desire is strikingly clear: I want to be a married man, a good husband and a good father. Mark continues, "Are you living in such a way to as prepare yourself for the future ahead?" Am I living in a way that is preparing me for my married-life ahead, a way that is preparing me and my family for our future? It is a question I must not ignore.

My best friend is without question my little sister Amanda. We tell one another everything. Isn't it coincidental that our lives, though separated by two years, nearly coincide with one another? I mean, everything I go through she goes through a little while later. On Sunday, before I preached, Amanda and I sat down and just discussed what we can do to help one another regain footing with our intimacy with God. My talk with Trista Tuesday night reinforced a lot of it and brought new things into focus.

Amanda called me the other day and showed me a scripture she had found. It is from Psalm 138: "Though I walk in the midst of trouble, you, God, preserve my life; you stretch out your hand against the wrath of my enemies, and your right hand delivers me. GOD will fulfill his purpose for me; your steadfast love, GOD, endures forever. Do not forsake the work of your hands." I am currently walking through the midst of emotional trouble, yet God is holding me even in my darkest hours; He is stretching His hand against the wrath of my enemies (Satan, who is seeking to keep me from God's plans for my life); I find hope that God knows what He is doing and that His purpose for me WILL come to fruition as I continue to seek His face and grow more intimate with Him.

My God is affectionate towards me.

My God cares for me more than I can possibly know.
My God has not abandoned me. He is doing something great in me during the pain.
My God has a wonderful plan for my life. It is indescribable. He will blow me away.

I just need to trust Him. In the words of the psalmist, I hear God's voice ringing out to me: "Trust in Me. Hope in Me. Wait--and watch!"

Sometimes I just want to leave C.C.U. Abandon all the painful memories, the emotional trauma, leave behind the nightmarish hell that I have been going through.

But that's not how I am. I can't just run from my problems. My little sister put it best: "You're a fighter. You've never given up on anything in your li fe. Don't start now." I believe that's one of the reasons I did not kill myself a month or two ago: I cannot give up. I will always endure to the dying death. It may be one hell of a fight, but I'm going to keep fighting no matter how badly it hurts, no matter how much I bleed, no matter how much pain it causes me. I will crawl through this valley of darkness until I find the light--and if I crawl forever, then so be it. But I am not going to give up. I will not just leave C.C.U. to escape my troubles. I will deal with them as best I can. It will make me stronger as a person. It already is. I might eat tears in the day and drink tears at night, but I will not let this destroy me. I am too strong for that. I am a fighter. I am a warrior. I may weep and cry out and moan in my sleep, I may wake up in a pillow wet with tears, but I will not give up. I will not lose hope. I will not abandon my God.

If God decides not to deliver me from these trials, fine. He is God and He can do whatever He wants. But when I stand in the valley of judgment, I want Him to look at me and be proud of me. I want Him to tell me--and I want Him to tell the entire world--that even though I suffered emotionally more than most people do, I stuck with Him and endured it. I trust that He knows what He is doing. Every single day I pray that God will deliver me from these trials, but then I pray, "Your will be done." These trials continue by the will of God. I must let them transform me into the person whom God wants me to be. All things--even the living hell in which I now bathe--will work out for my good, for I am loved by God and chosen as His child.

I don't pretend to understand what is going on in my life right now. I was just having a good old time skiing down the snowy peaks of life when I was covered by an avalanche and left freezing-cold, submerged in darkness, totally alone. I don't know why this has happened. I have grasped for answers, and some days I think it happened for one reason and other days I think it happened for another. I may never know the rhythm and the rhyme behind this nightmare. But I believe there IS a reason. I don't see all of this pain and suffering being thrust upon me all at once happening for no reason at all. Even though I don't understand, I'm going to trust God and hope and pray that He'll deliver me--and I'll try to be patient, though it's damned hard.

Rescue Is Coming - David Crowder Band

There's a darkness in my skin,
and my cover's wearing thin.
I believe I'd love to start again,
go back to innocence and never leave.

Don't give up now,
[there's] a break in the clouds;
we could be found.

There's nothing wrong with me.
It's just that I believe things could get better.
And there's nothing wrong with love.
I think it's just enough to believe.

And there's nothing wrong with you,
and nothing left to do
but to believe something bigger.
And there's nothing wrong with love.
I know it's just enough to believe.

Don't give up now,
[there's] a break in the clouds.
We will be found.
Rescue is coming.

Rescue is coming.

It's Been A While - Staind

It's been a while
since I could hold my head up high.

It's been a while
since I first saw you.

It's been a while
since I could stand on my own two feet again.

It's been a while
since I could call you.

It's been a while
since I could say I wasn't addicted.

It's been a while
since I could say I loved myself as well.

It's been a while
since I've gone and f*cked things up just like I always do.

It's been a while
since I could look at myself straight

It's been a while
since I've said I'm sorry.

It's been a while
since I've seen the way the candles light up your face.

It's been a while
but I can still remember just the way you taste.

Why must I feel this way?
Just make this go away!
Just one more peaceful day.

I gave a presentation on dinosaurs in the Restoration lobby last night; about ten people showed up, some I didn't even know, and I tried to answer their questions about dinosaurs as much as possible. We shared a lot of laughter, for you can only imagine where talking about dinosaurs will lead when the conversation is guided by college guys (though one girl, Sarah, attended as well). Kyle and I had a party-night in his room, but it only lasted for about twenty minutes before we both fell asleep.

Mom and I went shopping today at Elder-Beerman (or however you spell it). I purchased a whole new set of winter clothes for about $100; because of the sale, I saved about 75%! It was an insane deal. I spent my afternoon napping and talking with some friends online and via text-messaging. Caleb called and we talked for a bit.

I get to teach both Jr. and Sr. High classes tomorrow at Southwest Church. It's been a while, so I am putting together a really good message entitled "The Dark Hour of the Soul." It is an exploration of the story of Job, what we can learn from it, and what it might look like in a modern context. One of the great questions in the study of the book of Job is, "Is this a historical narrative or a parable?" My answer: "Yes." I believe it is an embellished oral tale whose roots are tied into a specific, historical event. This kind of writing (semi-historical) is not uncommon for ancient cultures, though nowadays, it seems heretical to view this kind of writing as valid (thanks to our Greco-Roman culture roots). Nevertheless, I believe it is a timeless tale that speaks volumes to God's people as they suffer on this earth. I know it has been a great help and encouragement for me as I have fought through depression, despair, and hopelessness over the last few months, and I hope the Spirit will guide me to say the right things so that others can find hope and encouragement in my words, so that when they "walk through the valley of the shadow of death," they will "fear no evil."

Life Ain't Always Beautiful - Gary Allan

life ain't always beautiful
sometimes it's just plain hard
life can knock you down, it can break your heart

life ain't always beautiful
you think you're on your way
and it's just a dead end road at the end of the day

life ain't always beautiful
some days I miss your smile
I get tired of walking all these lonely miles

and I wish for just one minute
I could see your pretty face
guess I can dream, but life don't work that way

but the struggles make you stronger
and the changes make you wise
and happiness has its own way of taking it's sweet time

no, life ain't always beautiful
tears will fall sometimes
life ain't always beautiful
but it's a beautiful ride

my i speak freely?

I am a believer that the Enemy--evil forces, Satan, demons, whatever you want to call it--is active in Christians' lives. I believe that one of the Enemy's main goals against Christians is to get them from fulfilling God's plans for their lives. The Enemy stands in the heavenly courts of God; I believe he has good insight into the plans that God has for His people. As Christians, we need to be wary of the Enemy's dealings, but, as C.S. Lewis points out in his book The Screwtape Letters: "There are two equal and opposite errors into which our race can fall about the devils. One is to disbelieve in their existence. The other is to believe, and to feel an excessive and unhealthy interest in them. They themselves are equally pleased by both errors and hail a materialist or a magician with the same delight." One of the main ways that the Enemy attacks us, I believe (as does C.S. Lewis, as seen in his book), is through implanting thoughts into Christians to divert them from God, lead them into despair, and thus put them upon the slippery slope that leads to abandonment from God." The Enemy has been attacking me as of late, and through counseling and the help of friends and much prayer, these lies are beginning to be shown for their true colors.

The Enemy implants false thoughts/perceptions about God:

• God doesn't care for you; if He did, why would you be going through so much suffering?
• God doesn't want you to be happy; if He did, why would He steal all your hopes and dreams from you?
• God doesn't like you; He is absolutely disgusted with you; you make Him want to vomit.
• God enjoys seeing you suffer; He takes delight in your suffering.
• God did have a plan for your life, but you were too evil so He left you out in the dark, cold and alone, left to fight for a mere breath of air.

The Enemy implants false thoughts/perceptions about myself:

• You're not a good person. You'll never be a good person. You might as well stop trying.
  
• You're not a person whom people like to be around. You annoy them. You're obnoxious. All your friends aren't really your friends. No one cares about you.
• You're not physically-attractive enough to be liked by a girl. You're detestably ugly. Ugh. You are a girl's worst nightmare.
• You're not interesting at all. No one likes to be around you.
• You're not funny at all. People don't laugh with you; they laugh at you. You're a laughingstock.
  
• You're too weird for anyone to ever like you. You creep people out. No girl will ever love you... No girl will ever even like you! Do you know why every girl breaks up with you? Because you're so strange. You need to be someone else.
  
• You're totally inadequate to ever be with a girl. Look at you. You're spiritually, mentally, emotionally, and physically inadequate. You'll never be good enough. Just accept that. Why don't girls ever stick with you? Because you're totally inadequate, and it will never change.

The Enemy implants false thoughts/perceptions about what happened with Julie:

• Julie was the one you were supposed to be with, but God didn't let you have her because you're too sinful, too ugly, too inadequate. She deserves far better than you, and you know it.
• Julie broke up with you because you're such a bad boyfriend. You treated her badly. You weren't good enough for her physically and emotionally. You were stupid. You'll never be a good boyfriend. You'll never be a good husband. You'll be a horrible father.
  
• When you dated Julie, you were too sinful to be with her. God took her from you, and He learned His lesson: no matter what you do, you'll always be alone. You had your chance, and you messed up. Now you're out on your own, and God is going to do all He can to keep you from ever experiencing your greatest dream.
• God led Julie and Tim together because He wanted you to suffer. He realizes how awful and wicked you are and wants you to be consumed with as much pain as possible. You're the ant under His magnifying glass; He's just going to burn you and feel good about it.

These lies have been breathed into my heart by the Enemy's quiet, evil whispers. They have consumed me and broken me and caused many tears to trail down my face. I fell into his trap and thought they were truth. For the longest time I felt burdened by hopelessness and despair. As these lies become exposed for what they truly are, I begin to feel the hopelessness and despair die. I continue to fight these lies mostly through prayer and reading the scriptures, truly grasping and believing the truths that the Enemy tries to blind me from. Things are getting much better. I am realizing that the last few months have been an incredibly battle, and I believe that the Enemy is terrified because I am beginning to see through the veil he placed over the eyes of my heart.

"snow day" fun

The snow came down in torrents yesterday afternoon. I borrowed Nate's truck to go grab some food (eating the same chicken wrap from the coffee shop didn't appeal too much to me); when I entered the restaurant, a few snowflakes began to fell, and when I left, the roads had turned into a maelstrom. A ten-minute drive took me forty minutes, and I fish-tailed every which way. Nate met me at the bottom of Grand Avenue to somehow navigate the truck up the slippery road, around a snow-coated corner, and finally into the overflow parking lot (we almost saw a car spin out of control and smash into a police cruiser). Stranded on campus, I rounded up some people to play "snow soccer." Caleb, Trista, Emily and I met on the quad and kicked a snowball back and forth for close to two hours. Nate joined us near the end. Trista lost her phone; we searched for thirty minutes, and when I finally put my hands on my waist and said, "We're not going to find it, Trista. I'm sorry," she looked down in sadness and saw it glinting in the sun. With Trista's phone discovered, we went sledding down the hill behind the girls' dorm (Rine), using laundry baskets and large rubbermaid lids. Courtney, Kirby, Monica, and Candace joined us, as well as two other freshman girls whom I don't know (I know one is named Brittany, though). Overall, it was a great time. The cold burned at first, but eventually it felt strangely warm. Curling up under my blankets afterwards felt like a taste of paradise.

Trista and I enjoying the snow!Trista is one of the funniest, most honest girls I know. Every time we hang out it's tons of laughter.

Caleb preparing a snowball to throw at me. He tried to tackle me multiple times, but he only got me twice. "You're a squirrelly little dude," he told me.

Nate joined us right as the snow began to fall really hard after a brief lapse. He (like Caleb) is a supervisor at the Hilltop Coffee Shop (where I work); so, essentially, he's my boss. As we played soccer, he kept trying to kick the soccer ball right into my legs, and he became jokingly angry as he kept missing. Eventually we just tackled each other.

Emily and Trista lying in the snow. Emily (along with Caleb) has enormously helped me over the past couple months to overcome some of the lies of the Enemy that have been piercing me. She has been a real encouragement, and I'm glad for the close friendship that's developed between us.

Caleb, Emily, Trista and I all smiling for a picture-perfect capture of a wonderful day playing in the snow!

Over the weekend I talked to a friend here at school who suffered with major depression for a good period of his life. When he found out that I struggled with it, and the situations involved, he was mind-blown because it absolutely paralleled what went on with him. We talked on the phone for two hours Saturday night. He is a psychology major here at C.C.U. emphasizing in treating the depressed. He had a lot of tips and ideas for dealing with depression, many of which are working, and he is able to understand me immensely because he knows how I feel, he knows what I am going through, he knows what it's like to be in my position. He gives me hope because he's passed through that valley and, while it's still a daily struggle, he is able to function and exist and be joyful. When I told him my story, he said, "Wow. That's really inspiring, and I'm not just saying that. You have an amazing testimony, and you're extremely strong. Even when your life is a living hell, even when you want to give up, you keep pressing on."

I have been doing several therapeutic activities to help me deal with what is fueling this depression. As I've said before, many buried memories and feelings are coming to light. While it's painful, their surfacing allows me to deal with them instead of just locking them down inside my heart, where they affect my every thought, mood and feeling. Hope is burning within me as I realize that I can--with God's help and the help of others--climb out of this hole. I am beginning to realize that my perception of reality has been skewed, and this perception is being straightened and made anew.

I am thinking about changing my major from "Biblical Studies" to "Psychology." If I did that, I wouldn't go to Seminary but would go to another school to get my Master's in counseling. The reasoning behind this possible change is clear: first, I want to practically help others who will go through what I'm going through; second, it is a great way to advance the kingdom of God; and third, quite frankly, I find it all very interesting.

That's about all I have to say right now. Oh, and have you looked outside? It's beautiful!

Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.

Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't f*ck with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.

Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.


When Chuck Norris' wife burned the turkey one thanksgiving, Chuck said, "don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."

Contrary to popular belief the continents did not drift apart over millions of years but in a single day when Chuck Norris was walking across Pangaea and exclaimed, "I want to swim, right now, right here!"

On the 7th day, God rested.... Chuck Norris took over.

When Chuck Norris jumps in a pool, he doesn’t get wet. Water gets Chuck Norris.

The Devil went down to Georgia not because he was looking for a soul to steal. Chuck Norris took over hell for two weeks and told the Devil to get the f*ck out.

In a court room, the bailiff asked if Chuck would swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. He said, "No." The court proceeded.

If Chuck Norris is late, time had better slow the f*ck down.

The original ending, as suggested by Chuck Norris to George Lucas, to Return of the Jedi consisted of the Rebel Alliance finding Chuck Norris on the moon of Endor. The Rebel Alliance realized the power they had in front of them, and begged Chuck to help them defeat the Empire’s Death Star. Chuck then jumped into space and roundhouse kicked the Death Star, which exploded in a fiery bang. In the last scenes, Leia left Han for Chuck, Chewbacca became Chuck’s life-debt servant, and Luke decided to drop Jedi training and study under Chuck. The ending was never made because it was too awesome for George Lucas to comprehend.

When Chuck Norris had surgery, the anesthesia was applied to the doctors.

When Chuck Norris played golf for money, chuck marked down a hole in 0 every time, a pro at the golf club, said to chuck,”excuse me sir, but you cant score zero on a hole”. Chuck Norris turned towards the man and said, im Chuck Norris, the man then proceeded to pour gas over his body and set himself on fire because that would be less painful than getting roundhouse kicked by Chuck Norris, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked him in the face anyways.

There are no mirrors in Chuck Norris' house because Chuck Norris is only afraid of one man.

A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

If the saying "You are what you eat" is true, then Chick Norris would be steel, concrete and the tears of children.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn’t stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming.

The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.

When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes. Ever.

a letter from a friend

One of my best friends--Caleb Payne, my roommate--wrote me this extremely encouraging letter not too long ago:

Anthony,

I hope you are doing well. I know that [life has] been hard for you. Please know that I am here to listen if you need to vent, cry, or shoot someone. I would prefer not to be shot, but sacrifice is sometimes a necessity.

This verse has brought me so much comfort in the past week. If you get the chance, read Matthew 7.7-11. I know what it is like to feel like God is out to get you, to feel like God is a fisherman who baits His hook with your greatest desires and tears it through your flesh, only to leave you bleeding and broken. I don't know why we feel like this. Sometimes our view of God is skewed, but that does not change who He is. He knows that your greatest desire is to be the best husband and father that you can be. I believe that God will honor your dream. She will come along when the time is right. Hang in there, buddy. I know it's hard to trust that God has your best interests at heart, but it's true. He is our Father, and He is good.

I love you, man. You know that. I am here if and when you need me.

Your brother, Caleb.

It is wonderful to be surrounded by people care as I struggle to survive during this difficult time in my life. Without such loving and caring friends and family (such as Caleb), I don't know how I could handle the intense emotional suffering I go through everyday. I am unbelievably thankful for those who have given up their time and energy to do whatever they can to sustain me in this trying period of my life. Were I alone through this great ordeal, I doubt I would be writing this right now. Thank you to all of you who have encouraged me, listened to me, and prayed for me. You have literally saved my life.

a conversation

Me: "I'm trying to grow closer to God through all of this, so maybe He'll do some rearranging in my life to help me get through these issues."

Emily: "There ya go. You can't go wrong there."

Me: "I just need to believe that He really cares for me, He is affectionate towards me, He wants me to be happy, He really does forgive me of my sins, and that He can take care of me and heal me." A pause. "Right now it's just so hard to believe some of that stuff with my entire heart. My view of God has been skewed over the past couple months. As Jamie Smith says, 'Our theology is shaped by our life experiences,' and my life experiences as of late have been kind of hammering away at what I thought was sound theology."

Emily: "I can understand that."

Me: "Don't get me wrong, I know in my head that God is caring, loving, merciful, forgiving, that He provides for His people and desires them to be happy... But the experiences hack away t me in the heart... And my heart is becoming cold and calloused. As an allusion to Ezekiel, I want God to take this 'heart of stone' and replace it with a 'heart of flesh.'"

Emily: "That all makes sense to me. I've been there. You just have to keep pushing and wrestling."

Me: "After all of this wrestling, perhaps I will come out a changed man. Just as when Jacob wrestled with the angel of God, and though it hurt, he got a new name afterwards: Israel."

Emily: "Yep! Good call."

Me: "But I've never been good at wrestling. I feel like I have too many sins on my platter to wrestle with God. I look at my life and see things I need to conquer and how I'm not as holy as I should be, and part of me thinks that God has pretty much said, 'That's it. You had your chance. You're out of the game now. I had a plan for your life--a beautiful plan--but you sinned too much, so now you've got to make what you can out of your life."

Emily: "Well. I'm not God. But I know without a doubt that what you think is not the case. You are human, so, yes, you sin. So do I. So does everyone else. All those thoughts are just Satan putting that crap in your head."

Me: "Yeah. I know... I imagine God screaming, 'Why in the world are you believing those lies?! Can't you feel Me tugging at you, crying out for you, begging you to come to Me?! Everything you need is right here--with Me!' But yet I turn my head, look down at my feet, and bathe in loathsome self-pity because the lies of the Enemy have so saturated me that I'm beginning to believe them."

Emily: "It happens."

Me: "So I'm hoping those lies will begin to peel back as I spend more and more time deepening my intimacy with God through prayer, meditation, etc."

Emily: "I think saturating yourself with bible study and prayer will help a ton."

Me: "Well, I'm gonna do it. I'm just afraid that I'll never taste romance again. That no matter how close I grow to God, I had my chance and blew it."

Emily: "Well, I think that if that is the primary thing you worry about, you might need to step back and reevaluate your priorities. That stuff will fall into place in God's timing."

Me: "Yeah. I just want to be a good husband and good father. I feel that God has put those desires in me, and I feel... incomplete and unsatisfied... without playing the role I'm created to play. Does that make sense? I feel, in a sense, like a beached whale: he's supposed to be in the ocean, but he's washed up on the beach and is being crushed by his own weight because he's not where he's supposed to be. I'm being 'crushed' by the pain of not living out my dream."

Emily: "Yeah, that makes sense."

Me: "So what I should do, then, you think, is just continue developing my intimacy with God, trusting God, and let Him use this time to mold me into the person I need to be in order to function as the good husband and good father whom He wants me to be."

Emily: "Exactly."

Me: "It's so hard to trust God sometimes."

my own ecclesiastes

Boys and girls all over the walkways, playing kickball, huddling in groups, leading pointless and unknown lives, ignorant of ignorance, being watched and admired and lusted over, never knowing, nor caring, nor tackling the futileness of their own wasteful existence, squandering hope and grace and love as if it were pocket-change, scraped yellow to the bone. Convinced they are centers of centers, a complex web of talk and thought; lovers, friends, acquaintances. Life in all its spectacle and glory will fall, whiether, and waste, just as we all will.

fall
wither
waste
forgotten

It is not fun to be caught between a lie and a truth, and not be able to tell one from the other. Terrible it is to find yourself on the brink of despair, teetering on the edge of the bridge, wanting to step down and wanting to leap: hope or resignation? How much worse it is to believe you are something when you are nothing, and worse still to see yourself as nothing when you are something; but nothing or something, both have the same end. Fall. Wither. Waste. forgotten. Eat. Drink. Screw. Fear God, or don't. You will still die.

"What have we to look forward to?" Everything is cyclical. It is the story of the ages. The seasons speak its name: winter turns into spring, spring turns into summer, summer turns into fall, fall turns into winter. An eternal cycle that spins about without the slightest thought or murmur. Sometimes I feel as if my life is the Halloween version of "Winter Wonderland"; I yearn and long and pray for spring to arrive, and I believe it will come... But it will evolve into summer, and summer will decay with fall, and the great pain and suffering of winter will make its face known again. And I will be on my knees again--so many times!--praying for, waiting for, longing for spring to come.

I clasp onto hope. I wrap my fingers tight around it. Sometimes it feels like barbed wire: the harder I squeeze, the more pain it causes me. But I refuse to let go.