Sometimes I just want to leave C.C.U. Abandon all the painful memories, the emotional trauma, leave behind the nightmarish hell that I have been going through.

But that's not how I am. I can't just run from my problems. My little sister put it best: "You're a fighter. You've never given up on anything in your li fe. Don't start now." I believe that's one of the reasons I did not kill myself a month or two ago: I cannot give up. I will always endure to the dying death. It may be one hell of a fight, but I'm going to keep fighting no matter how badly it hurts, no matter how much I bleed, no matter how much pain it causes me. I will crawl through this valley of darkness until I find the light--and if I crawl forever, then so be it. But I am not going to give up. I will not just leave C.C.U. to escape my troubles. I will deal with them as best I can. It will make me stronger as a person. It already is. I might eat tears in the day and drink tears at night, but I will not let this destroy me. I am too strong for that. I am a fighter. I am a warrior. I may weep and cry out and moan in my sleep, I may wake up in a pillow wet with tears, but I will not give up. I will not lose hope. I will not abandon my God.

If God decides not to deliver me from these trials, fine. He is God and He can do whatever He wants. But when I stand in the valley of judgment, I want Him to look at me and be proud of me. I want Him to tell me--and I want Him to tell the entire world--that even though I suffered emotionally more than most people do, I stuck with Him and endured it. I trust that He knows what He is doing. Every single day I pray that God will deliver me from these trials, but then I pray, "Your will be done." These trials continue by the will of God. I must let them transform me into the person whom God wants me to be. All things--even the living hell in which I now bathe--will work out for my good, for I am loved by God and chosen as His child.

I don't pretend to understand what is going on in my life right now. I was just having a good old time skiing down the snowy peaks of life when I was covered by an avalanche and left freezing-cold, submerged in darkness, totally alone. I don't know why this has happened. I have grasped for answers, and some days I think it happened for one reason and other days I think it happened for another. I may never know the rhythm and the rhyme behind this nightmare. But I believe there IS a reason. I don't see all of this pain and suffering being thrust upon me all at once happening for no reason at all. Even though I don't understand, I'm going to trust God and hope and pray that He'll deliver me--and I'll try to be patient, though it's damned hard.