the paradoxical nature of dating

A few nights ago, I joined several of my friends for a trip downtown. Throughout winter, Fountain Square sports an ice skating rink, and it is current C.C.U. fashion to hit it up at least several times throughout the semester. Gambill and I were the only upperclassmen there; of the fifteen people who went, thirteen are freshman. As we skated around the rink, we couldn’t help but notice how the freshman guys were flocking around the freshman girls. It is an undying tradition, especially at Christian colleges. Perhaps it is because people are infatuated with the fairy-tale lie of “falling in love and bible college and getting married to the One God has for you.” Or maybe it’s just the excitement of beginning a new life outside your parents’ house and feeling confident enough to pursue girls you would never have otherwise pursued. Regardless of the reasons, Gambill and I noticed that it was a “Single’s Fest.” Later that evening, back on campus, Gambill and I were sitting in my room, and he told me, “Dating is one of the most selfish activities we can indulge in.”

He’s right. No, dating may seem noble, but looking from the inside out, it really is a selfish endeavor. Think about it. What is the number one, the most important, facet in dating? The physical appearance of the person of the opposite sex. I know people say, “It’s personality that’s important,” and I agree, but the personality can be charming and spectacular and wonderful, but if you aren’t physically attractive, be prepared to be “just friends” (this is a lesson I learned a while ago; many, many girls have told me that I am one of their best friends, that they can be open and honest with me, etcetera, and the same girls tell me what they want in a guy, and I line up perfectly with that, but I don’t match the physiological criteria; therefore “You’re too good of a friend for me to date.” That’s the language that is used). Dating, then, is selfish because it caters to the biological and physiological needs of the human creature; we are hardwired to appreciate beauty, and we want that. There’s nothing wrong with it—and it is selfish. We try to make it sound noble and wonderful, but in the end, we are simply catering to our selfish wants. It is important to date someone attractive, not only personally but also socially, and to date someone unattractive is not something we want., and it is not beneficial socially Dating is also selfish because it is about finding fulfillment in another person. It is about finding someone who will fulfill your needs for romance and belonging. This is my perspective of dating, which has not been adequately challenged in any way or shape or form, and I am confident that I am as guilty of it as anyone.

Dating is selfish. But is it evil? Now we’re playing word-games. Evil, I think, can be defined as that which is against the nature of God and His desires. Anything that is antithetical to God and His wishes is “Evil.” God is a selfless being, and He demands that His people live selfless lives. And yet dating, even—and especially!—in Christian circles, is selfish. At the same time, however, God has designed us physiologically and biologically to want what is attractive and to not want what is unattractive. He has designed us for community and romantic love. So, in the end, it’s a catch-22. It’s selfish. And it’s totally in line with the way God made us. A paradox of sorts.