the dayton days [61]

Cars sporting off her chopsticks

The First Day of Spring. Several storms rolled through, thunder shaking the house and wind cutting across the front porch and knocking over the glass patio out back. It shattered, and once the rains cleared, Mom and I spent forty minutes cleaning it up before the next storm rolled through. I've been pretty depressed off-and-on lately. All I feel is hopeless and helpless. Stagnant, barely treading water. Despair. Shit, words can't even describe it. Metaphors and similes are all I have at my disposal, and they fall flat. There's darkness in my heart, and as I write tears threaten to well up. The heavy weight of my purposeless existence wraps like a noose around my throat. What's the point of moving forward? It doesn't matter. Nothing will change. All I have to look forward to is misery, loneliness, growing old and bitter, calloused and unfeeling. Hell, I'm already halfway there. It's hard to give a damn about "priorities" when all your energy is focused on making it another night without drawing the razor against your arm (I'm speaking metaphorically here, folks). Much of this sadness is probably due to confusion about Jessica: well, not really confusion, but honesty. I'm honest when I claim I like her, that I'm drawnn to her. But I can't help but feel that she's too good for me, that she deserves someone who's not fucked up. 

Tuesday. I worked 5:30-2:00. I'm starting to really "like" Jess and I hate myself for it. After work I went to Wal-Mart and picked up a lockbox to hold my treasures. Tyler came over, and we got ice cream at DQ and attempted a fire in the backyard. He left and I worked out. I'm seeing Jessie tomorrow, and probably going to a concert at the Claypole House.

Wednesday. I worked 6-10:00, then did an Ecosure audit till noon. I gave Jess some CDs I burned for her upon request: Florence & The Machine and Adele. I met up with Jessie from Illinois at the Hilltop Cafe, ran into Kugler and Sam. Jessie and I got lunch at The Anchor, and then I napped in Blake's bed before the "house show." Mandy and I hung out in her room and then sat on the front porch and out back Jessie smoked a cigarette for the first time. Gambill came by and we went to Ams (but she was at work), ran some errands, and then hung out with Sarah and Ams (once Ams got off work). 

Thursday. Ams came into town. We sat in her car and smoked. I spent the whole day chill, just watched Arrested Development. I met up with Carly, Jessica, and Emily at Carly's apartment. Jess & I made coffee. She and Carly went off about work drama and politics. Emily and Jessica left (D.C. trip tomorrow), and Carly and I sprawled out in the living room and talked about eschatology, demonic possession and oppression. I enjoyed a quiet, albeit cold, drive home down winding country roads.

Friday. I went down to Cincinnati: Tea Shoppe with Mandy and Jessie, hanging with Mandy upstairs at the Claypole House, and then hanging out with Blake & Rob in the living room.

Saturday. I worked 9:30-6:00 with Carly and Abby. Mom & Dad went out of town. I spent the evening watching countless episodes of Arrested Development. Carly and I were going to hang out but her boyfriend Devyn came into town. I was pretty tired anyways, so it was good to just stay at home. 

Sunday. Dylan & Tyler came over, and we went by work for coffee. Dewenter joined us back home, and we made a fire out back. The twins left, so Dewenter and I grabbed China Cottage, and Carly, Devyn, and Alison joined us. Dewenter knows Carly somehow, I guess they went to the same high school? Small world. Dewenter went home, and the rest of us convened at Carly's apartment and we watched The Usual Suspects.