from the anchor

This is the second time I've been here today: Jessie and I met up here after my overnight shift, and now between shifts I'm drinking lukewarm coffee and passing the time by writing a post. Jessie has been a huge encouragement to me through all this, and sitting down at The Anchor this morning, drinking coffee and talking about how I'm doing with things, it was refreshing. 

I sent Mandy a message basically telling her that the reason she broke up with me was because of her fear. That's what it was, and she knows it. She's not dumb. I also told her that I would be willing to try again. "Is that really what you want?" Jessie asked. I told her, "Absolutely." Even knowing her tendencies, even knowing her weaknesses and issues, even knowing the Great Risk that would be (coupled, of course, with everyone screaming at me, "Are you fucking stupid?!"), I would still take her back in a heartbeat. "There's a fine line between unconditional love and delusion," Brandon told me just the other day. My instinct is to call my strong desires to love her no matter what, to stick by her side no matter what, and to work through anything no matter what, that thing known as "unconditional love." But is delusion a more accurate word? Perhaps they are one in the same.

Jessie thinks there's a chance Mandy might do what she's done every time: come crawling back, spilling apologies from her lips, telling me how she's grown and how "that was all part of God's plan for us," confessing her love for me and desire to be with me and really try again. If she did, I would take her up on the offer. Just being honest. But I don't think she will. I think she will come to realize (if she hasn't already) that she was operating from a base of fear and making decisions rooted in fear. She was just trying to be safe. When she comes to see this, however, I don't think she'll jump-start communication. She knows the great amount of pain and hurt she's caused me by her actions over and over and over again. I really believe she does care about me, and she doesn't want to hurt me anymore than she already has. 

She'll keep quiet. She won't come back.

My love for her will wither, decay, and dry up.

And what we could've been will be forgotten by both of us.

Really, that's how this will play out.

It just takes time.

"I hope Mandy one day sees just how stupid she was," Ams told me. "I've dated a lot of guys, and I know from experience, most guys aren't 'good guys', and hardly any guys are as loving, compassionate, giving, sacrificial, and service-oriented as you. There's not many men like you in this world, and I can't believe God would make a man as great and wonderful as you and leave you without someone to love. I think that would be cruel." She added, "Mandy doesn't deserve the love you showed her. You deserve someone who will love you and love you well. And maybe God just wants to give you to someone else, someone who will appreciate the person you are. I promise that when Mandy starts dating again, she'll start seeing all the things about you she didn't appreciate, because most guys are jackasses. She'll realize what she lost, I promise you that."