Tuesday. Our credit card machine went down in the cafe, so Tori and I had a pretty hectic morning. Between shifts I worked out my chest and shoulders, and when I went down to my car to head up to Blue Ash, I realized I left the lights on. I had to call Verizon Roadside Assistance, and after getting a jump, I barely made it to work on time. I fixed three separate dinners simultaneously (training for parenthood), and then I took the guys to Winton Woods, where we walked around the lake and goofed off. I was going to run after work, but Lisa was half an hour late so I just returned home, lit some candles, read Tolkien, and went to bed.
Wednesday. I had an awful night, unable to sleep and barraged with memories, painful thoughts, and foreshadowings. It's an odd thing when you have a nightmare, wake up, and then thank God that He gave you a nightmare, because it meant you were asleep. Chloe and I opened at the cafe; she was in Alaska all last week, and we swapped stories about our time there. Between Tazza Mia and my shift in Blue Ash I went for a run through Wallace Woods (such a beautiful neighborhood), and in Blue Ash I took the guys on a walk to UDF and then to ballroom dancing. I ended the night with scripture from my 1599 Geneva Bible and slept soundly, recovering from last night's lack of sleep.
Thursday. I worked 8:30-5:00 in Blue Ash. Ellen came by the house, and she told me, "You're working too much. You need to get out there and meet someone, get your mind off Mandy. You've got such a kind and generous heart. I bet it wouldn't be too hard for you to find someone?" Oh, I can find someone lickety-split. But like I told Ellen, I don't want to find someone. I just want to be with the woman who loves me, the woman who's too scared to embrace that love. "Curse words," I said with a wry smile. She asked why I still wanted to be with her after all that's happened; I told her it's simple: I love her. I know relationships are hard, and I know that she's worth it. I would rather be with someone I love, and with all the difficulties involved, than with someone I don't love, but who happens to be more compatible. I won't deny that even now I just want to love her, sacrifice for her, cherish her, nurture her, and all those things. But I know time will take care of that... I took the guys to Gorman Heritage Farms, and we weeded in the Hoop House and hid from the drowning rains. After work I returned to my Hobbit Hole, did some much-needed cleaning (I've turned into a sort of cleaning freak lately; it's something regimented, monotonous, and I love the smell of Lysol), and then went to the Young Adult Group at U.C.C.
Friday. After work at Tazza Mia, I went up to Waynesville for Tyler's bachelor party (he and Julia are getting married Sunday). We smoked cigars, drank Trappist beer, and devoured hot dogs and hamburgers. "You're still doing that Christian thing?" Tyler asked. Many of my friends have turned their back on God, chosen a different way, and suddenly all the prayers God never answered start coming to fruition. They're surprised that I still believe in the midst of the unending gauntlet of defeat and disappointment. To be honest, sometimes I'm surprised, too. At times I wonder if it's strength or weakness, my resolve to keep clinging to what appears to be a silent and apathetic God. But, really, I think He's holding onto me. I remember Jessie telling me, "It's human instinct to blame God when things go bad, to ask Him why He did this to you. But I think that while we're blaming Him, He's there mourning with us. Do you really think God orchestrated everything with Mandy the way He did? Do you really think He did that to torment you? You don't believe that, deep down. I know you don't. I can't imagine that He thinks Mandy did the right thing, when the basis of her decision was selfishness rooted in a warped and unbiblical view of relationships." Kiley's adamant that though God's hand may not lie behind everything that happened, He's determined to use it to continue shaping me into the person He wants me to be. I'm a work-in-progress, and God will use every event--the good and the not so good--to turn me into the person He wants me to be, namely a person who reflects Christ. I'm so shitty at it right now, but I know I have God's forgiveness. He knows I'm made of dust, He knows the grief I'm enduring, and He's meeting me in it. Don't fight the hands that are holding you.
Saturday. I woke at 5 AM unable to go back to sleep, so I went to The Anchor and journaled. I worked out and had Dusmesh for lunch, and I spent the afternoon hanging out at Winton Ridge with the usual crew before my 5-Midnight in Blue Ash. It's been like two and a half months since everything with Mandy went down, and I still haven't gotten over it, haven't gotten over her. I asked Jessie if she thinks I'm crazy; "I don't think I'm crazy, but crazy people never think they're crazy, so I figured I should ask." She said she didn't think I was crazy; she added, "It would be kinda weird if you were completely over it. You thought your deepest desire and dream was coming true with the woman you love, and without warning it was ripped away. That's a really big deal." It certainly feels like a big deal, even now. I want to be over this. I want my heart to turn from her. I want my love for her just to be gone already. It serves no purpose but to make me remember how wonderful it was to be with her. My heartfelt prayer is that God will make me indifferent towards her so that I just don't care anymore. I used to pray that He would increase my love for her, that He would increase my devotion to her, that He would make me a man who could lead her, support her, cherish her, nourish her, and love her as she deserves. Now that prayer has been replaced. Oh, I know my love for her will, in time, fade: a love malnourished can only but wither. I just wish it would happen quicker. I still can't imagine life without her in it, though she came quite steadily to imagine life without me, and she preferred it over life with me. I'm not there yet.
Sunday. I served coffee at U.C.C., and the sermon was the first in a series on the Gospel of John. I went to Dusmesh for lunch, and I went to Mount Echo on the drive home and spent time walking through the woods, praying over everything that's happened. Tyler and Julia got married today; I couldn't get my shift covered (lots of drama there I don't want to get into), so that sucked. I spent my evening at work immersed in prayer, just taking my grief to God, and I feel that God did have a plan for Mandy and me. I can't believe that it was just a mix-up, a "bad hop"; the evidences of His hand, and of His providence, throughout it all are unmistakable. So many people told us, "We can see God in this." Even Mandy said, "It's so obvious how God has been at work in us, to bring us to this point, and I'm so excited to see what He has in store for us!" I really do believe He had plans for us. But I think that she let her fear get between that. I think she was just overwhelmed and instead of saying, "I love him, and he loves me, and we love Jesus, and we're going to see where He has been taking us," she indulged fear rather than trust. I feel as if God is telling me, "This isn't what I wanted to happen." But I believe that if His plan for us is scrapped, a new one will rise in its place. I just have to grit my teeth, trust Him, and believe that there are Better Days on the horizon.
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