#skinnydipping

this just about encapsulates my monday afternoon

I've spent the afternoon crashing at my parents' house in Dayton. Dylan and I were going to meet up for lunch since he's in town, but he was too busy with his family and girlfriend, which is understandable. So instead I've been doing laundry, watching Criminal Minds, eating Chipotle, and hanging out with Sky. I took advantage of the overcast skies (and the fact that Dayton is two degrees cooler than Cincinnati) to go for a run at North Park and to do a good forty minutes of weight-lifting outside. I was caked in sweat by the time I was done, so I grabbed a Blue Moon from the fridge, stripped down to nothing, and took advantage of our privacy fence to do some much-needed skinny dipping. As I was lying in the pool with the sun scorching my pale body, I took some time to just relax, breathe, and do some thinking.

Yes, things have been difficult as of late. Sometimes I feel bad for feeling as sad as I do. I really do believe that all I need in life in God; then why the sadness at the loss? It isn't that I feel that life without her is incomplete. Sadness over loss is natural. I have to keep reminding myself that. And even though there's a lot of sadness these days, the truth is that I'm feeling more and more optimistic. Life has moments when the grief cuts across our hearts like a switchblade; but these times don't last forever.

Physically, I'm feeling better than I have in quite a long time. I think it's a combination of quitting smoking (again), working out or exercising every day, and eating better. I'm really excited to be getting back to my roots! Once the heat and humidity cools down, I'll be making lots of trips to the Gorge to run through the woods, hike difficult trails, and try my hand at some free-climbing (I've always been a kickass rock climber; my nickname in high school was "Kamikaze" because I was always eager to risk the difficult climbs). 

I did have McDonald's for dinner the other night.

Two McChickens and a 10-piece nugget.

My morning run the next day was cancelled in lieu of dysentery.

I'm excited about my future; I'm being more proactive than ever about furthering my education, and my pursuit of ministry, despite how discouraging that pursuit has been, continues unabated. A voice tells me that my grief disables me from ministry, but that voice is a lie--all proclaimers and heralds of the gospel are broken, stained with earth and prone to depravity. We proclaim our brokenness and point to the liberation that is found in Christ. 

A church contacted me last week.

I'll be preaching there in September.

"We want to see if you're a good fit," the elder said.

He said they're an informal back-country church.

That means, I think, I have a green light to wear my cowboy boots.

Done and Done.

Yes, spiritually things have been rough for me lately. That's how it goes sometimes, plain & simple, and God has been gracious to me in my struggle. I'm praying that gospel truth will infect me to the bones, and that I can wrap my perceptions and thinking around the cross. I'm running hard after Christ and seeking after holiness, which isn't an arbitrary "code of conduct" but a spirit of living well in the fear of God, in loving Him, in loving other people, and, yes, even in loving myself the way that is appropriate. Church has been going well, and my time there has been a great support. I'm serving coffee, getting involved with the Young Adult Group, and getting to know people. I think a lot of my apprehension about being outgoing comes from a fear of being known; I fear that if people know me, if they see my quirks and idiosyncrasies, they'll have no desire to know me. I'm choosing not to care about those things, just to be myself, and I'm enjoying it. I feel like a barrier in my social life has been lifted, and I've been giving it a lot of practice (I had a ten-minute conversation with someone I didn't know, and I actually enjoyed it). Mind. Blown.