Monday. I went to The Anchor this morning to read scripture and journal, and from there I headed up to Mom & Dad's to do laundry and play with Skyler. As my sheets were tumbling, I went into Springboro and had lunch at the classic China Garden Buffet. I could only eat one plate; I used to be able to shovel three or four down my gullet. Old age, I guess. Once my laundry was done, I headed back down Interstate 75 and spent the afternoon deep-cleaning the Hobbit Hole. Thunder rumbled outside, and I went to The Anchor (yes, again) to drink coffee and explore Grad School options as the storm approached. As I packed up my things to go, the storm turned into a monsoon, and I sat at the bar convincing one of the waitresses that she shouldn't let me borrow her umbrella because I would certainly lose it somewhere. Once the monsoon let up I made a dash out to my car, and back at the Hobbit Hole I worked out, took a bath, lit some oil lanterns, and read The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers before bed. Treebeard is a BAMF.
Tuesday. Brandon and I opened the cafe, and after work I did some modeling (the U.S.S. Constitution, not what you were thinking), played Birds of Steel, enjoyed some coffee and scripture at The Anchor, and then headed up Interstate 71 to Blue Ash for a shift with the guys. We walked to the library and UDF, fixed a great dinner (baked chicken, mashed potatoes, sauteed mushrooms, and steamed broccoli), and watched The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring. Towards the end of the movie I started chanting, "Let's go, Sauron, let's go!" and Ben got really upset. Lisa relieved me, and after working out, I spent the evening taking a long hot bath in the glow of lamplight and listening to summer crickets, contemplating all that I have to be grateful for. It's hard to be thankful in the midst of depression, but last night I saw all that God has blessed me with, and I slept in peace.
Wednesday. Tori and I opened the cafe, and I spent the afternoon working on my model of the U.S.S. Constitution (I should probably finish it sometime; it's been about two years in the making) and dining on free sushi from Fusian. Tazza Mia may not be the best job, but its unorthodox benefits are appetizing: free growlers of beer from Rock Bottom and free sushi from our kindly neighbors. I went to The Anchor to read scripture; Romans 1, always a difficult text; and then I worked 3-7:00 in Blue Ash. Ben didn't have program, so he hung out with Jason and me. The guys joined me in my workout routine before we walked to UDF and back. At one point back at the house I heard what sounded like a strange rendition of the Star Spangled Banner, and I went downstairs and found that Ben had spread out a gigantic, tattered U.S. flag and was standing in his Red's gear with his hat over his heart belching his lungs out. I took the two of them to ballroom dancing, and when Jooniper relieved me, I headed out to Fairfield to see Amanda's new apartment, and we ordered Domino's, ate cheesecake, and watched "America's Got Talent." Also: I officially applied for Grad School today, and since I was so proactive in my application (I actually contacted them with lots of questions), they waived my application fee. There's $65 bucks I saved!
Thursday. I dreamt about Mandy again, and woke up sad. Gas station coffee and prayer at Swaim Park before work helped take the edge off. I took the guys to Gorman Heritage Farms, and we had a cake for Christa, who was leaving for Green Acres ("It's the place for me!"). I saw Ben stand up with that look on his face, and I leaned over to a volunteer and bet them ten bucks that Ben was about to make a speech. He thought I was joking. Then Ben proceeded to make a speech, and it culminated with him getting down on one knee and proposing to Christa. She flushed red, and I told her, "Don't feel too honored, he does this like once a week, always to someone different." Desperation will lead us to do odd things, I suppose. I was off work by 5:00, and I spent the evening dive-bombing American battleships in Pearl Harbor. The strange things I do to unwind...
Friday. I worked 8-2:00 with Eric and spent the afternoon cleaning my apartment before reading scripture at The Anchor. I went to Winton Ridge and spent the evening with Brandy & Amos (John was in Dayton having a "bro night" with his brother). We played Mario-Kart, watched American Ninja Warrior, and Clover and I got into a fight and she cut me up pretty badly. Don't worry, I still won, and we cuddled afterwards. At Winton Ridge I read through some of the letters Mandy had written me; I had placed them in a cardboard box and set them out on the porch to weather the summer rains. Most of the ink smeared, but some sentences in her handwriting were still visible, and it broke my heart all over again to remember when she said those things to me. I wanted to burn them, a sort of purging, but they were too damp; so instead I went in a frenzy and tore every photograph and every letter into shreds. Hopefully they'll dry and I can roast them sometime next week. Back home I lie in bed thinking about her, and I used my friend Kiley as a soundboard, and she told me, "People change, people disappoint us, and people leave us. I'm so sorry for what she did to you. I understand the pain, and even when you fall in love again, the pain of what she did will never leave you. But you shouldn't want it to. Because the wife God has out there for you, she would never even imagine doing that to you. She will become best friends with your sister, not just haphazardly seek her approval with one text message in six months of dating. I know it hurts now. Sometimes you feel like being single forever would be easier, and it would. Putting yourself out there to be hurt again is hard, and it sucks. But trust the plan God has for you, because it's an amazing one. Get lost in His Word. Really plug into a community of believers. It does get easier." She knows, because three months before her wedding, her fiance ended things with her, telling her, "I think God wants me to be a priest." Of course, he didn't become a priest; he was just using "devotion to God" as an out. Amateur Christians like to blame their inconsistency, cowardice, and thoughtlessness on God; by doing so, foolish and hurtful actions are justified and lumped into "God's plan", and they exonerate themselves from blame by placing blame on God; and who dares talk back to God? It sickens me.
Saturday. I went to The Anchor before my afternoon shift with Aaron; we went to Applebee's and I devoured some Orange Chicken. We dallied about at Hobby Lobby and I got a nice "beachfront" candle for my bedside table. I spent the afternoon hanging out in my apartment, and after working out I went to The Anchor to read scripture before my 5-Midnight shift in Blue Ash. Ben tried to pour himself a slushie at UDF and spilled it everywhere ("Ben, I told you to tell me if that's what you were getting, because you spill it every single time."), and he had so much sugar in his system that he couldn't stop yelling and laughing on the walk home. He passed out around 8:00 from the sugar crash and didn't get back up, except at one point to inform me that he broke his collarbone moving his bed. Don't worry, he's fine.
Sunday. I went to The Anchor to listen to a sermon from Westside Reformed before going to church at U.C.C. I spent the afternoon hanging out with John, Brandy, & Amos at Winton Ridge, and then I worked 4-Midnight in Blue Ash. Ben and I ordered La'Rosa's and watched Disney's The Lone Ranger. When I got home I lie in bed staring at the ceiling, feeling that deep chasm in my soul. I would do anything to be back with Mandy again, to put all this behind us, to try again. I'll always love her and always be ready to fight for her. She doesn't want that, of course. Since 2011 I have never stopped loving her and desiring to be with her, to care for her, to protect her, to nourish her. When we were together, I tried to learn how best to do that, consuming book after book, trying to put into practice what it meant to love her in the way she deserves. Having tasted such love, along with the promise of being with her forever and building a family with her, how can I just "move on"? How can I just put us and her behind me when I haven't been able to do that at any point? Having gotten so close, how can I turn my back on her, even if she's turned her back on me? I wish I didn't love her. I wish I didn't know her the way I do. But ultimately I wish she wouldn't have run, and I wish I would've had what I don't so that she would've stayed with the man she loved rather than turning me out to look elsewhere. But such is the way it goes for guys like me, as history has been so apt to show. She will find someone else, marry him, and have a family with him. Everything we shared has been nothing but an ill-fated dream. The very thought of it all makes me want to fall asleep and never wake up.
Thursday. I dreamt about Mandy again, and woke up sad. Gas station coffee and prayer at Swaim Park before work helped take the edge off. I took the guys to Gorman Heritage Farms, and we had a cake for Christa, who was leaving for Green Acres ("It's the place for me!"). I saw Ben stand up with that look on his face, and I leaned over to a volunteer and bet them ten bucks that Ben was about to make a speech. He thought I was joking. Then Ben proceeded to make a speech, and it culminated with him getting down on one knee and proposing to Christa. She flushed red, and I told her, "Don't feel too honored, he does this like once a week, always to someone different." Desperation will lead us to do odd things, I suppose. I was off work by 5:00, and I spent the evening dive-bombing American battleships in Pearl Harbor. The strange things I do to unwind...
Friday. I worked 8-2:00 with Eric and spent the afternoon cleaning my apartment before reading scripture at The Anchor. I went to Winton Ridge and spent the evening with Brandy & Amos (John was in Dayton having a "bro night" with his brother). We played Mario-Kart, watched American Ninja Warrior, and Clover and I got into a fight and she cut me up pretty badly. Don't worry, I still won, and we cuddled afterwards. At Winton Ridge I read through some of the letters Mandy had written me; I had placed them in a cardboard box and set them out on the porch to weather the summer rains. Most of the ink smeared, but some sentences in her handwriting were still visible, and it broke my heart all over again to remember when she said those things to me. I wanted to burn them, a sort of purging, but they were too damp; so instead I went in a frenzy and tore every photograph and every letter into shreds. Hopefully they'll dry and I can roast them sometime next week. Back home I lie in bed thinking about her, and I used my friend Kiley as a soundboard, and she told me, "People change, people disappoint us, and people leave us. I'm so sorry for what she did to you. I understand the pain, and even when you fall in love again, the pain of what she did will never leave you. But you shouldn't want it to. Because the wife God has out there for you, she would never even imagine doing that to you. She will become best friends with your sister, not just haphazardly seek her approval with one text message in six months of dating. I know it hurts now. Sometimes you feel like being single forever would be easier, and it would. Putting yourself out there to be hurt again is hard, and it sucks. But trust the plan God has for you, because it's an amazing one. Get lost in His Word. Really plug into a community of believers. It does get easier." She knows, because three months before her wedding, her fiance ended things with her, telling her, "I think God wants me to be a priest." Of course, he didn't become a priest; he was just using "devotion to God" as an out. Amateur Christians like to blame their inconsistency, cowardice, and thoughtlessness on God; by doing so, foolish and hurtful actions are justified and lumped into "God's plan", and they exonerate themselves from blame by placing blame on God; and who dares talk back to God? It sickens me.
Saturday. I went to The Anchor before my afternoon shift with Aaron; we went to Applebee's and I devoured some Orange Chicken. We dallied about at Hobby Lobby and I got a nice "beachfront" candle for my bedside table. I spent the afternoon hanging out in my apartment, and after working out I went to The Anchor to read scripture before my 5-Midnight shift in Blue Ash. Ben tried to pour himself a slushie at UDF and spilled it everywhere ("Ben, I told you to tell me if that's what you were getting, because you spill it every single time."), and he had so much sugar in his system that he couldn't stop yelling and laughing on the walk home. He passed out around 8:00 from the sugar crash and didn't get back up, except at one point to inform me that he broke his collarbone moving his bed. Don't worry, he's fine.
Sunday. I went to The Anchor to listen to a sermon from Westside Reformed before going to church at U.C.C. I spent the afternoon hanging out with John, Brandy, & Amos at Winton Ridge, and then I worked 4-Midnight in Blue Ash. Ben and I ordered La'Rosa's and watched Disney's The Lone Ranger. When I got home I lie in bed staring at the ceiling, feeling that deep chasm in my soul. I would do anything to be back with Mandy again, to put all this behind us, to try again. I'll always love her and always be ready to fight for her. She doesn't want that, of course. Since 2011 I have never stopped loving her and desiring to be with her, to care for her, to protect her, to nourish her. When we were together, I tried to learn how best to do that, consuming book after book, trying to put into practice what it meant to love her in the way she deserves. Having tasted such love, along with the promise of being with her forever and building a family with her, how can I just "move on"? How can I just put us and her behind me when I haven't been able to do that at any point? Having gotten so close, how can I turn my back on her, even if she's turned her back on me? I wish I didn't love her. I wish I didn't know her the way I do. But ultimately I wish she wouldn't have run, and I wish I would've had what I don't so that she would've stayed with the man she loved rather than turning me out to look elsewhere. But such is the way it goes for guys like me, as history has been so apt to show. She will find someone else, marry him, and have a family with him. Everything we shared has been nothing but an ill-fated dream. The very thought of it all makes me want to fall asleep and never wake up.
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