of sunflowers and pumpkins

it's that time of year when you have sunflowers AND pumpkins

Yesterday after my shift with the guys and our usual Gorman Heritage Farm escapades, I headed out to the Chic-fil-a in Eastgate for an unofficial interview with the senior pastor of a church out past Batavia. We got to know one another for about two hours, talking about the position and all it entails. He told me that he really likes me and thinks we would work well together, and that he'll be calling me to set up a Q&A session with the church's elders. He did say that because I'm young and unmarried, some of the elders may not want to hire me; he said he thinks that kind of thinking is hogwash. It is hogwash, but it's prevalent thinking nonetheless. I'm excited about being a candidate, but I'm also not getting my hopes up: churches have liked me well enough but passed over me multiple times because of my youth and single status. It doesn't help that I look super young. These are the realities of searching for a ministry job, there's no way around it. I hope they don't pass over me because I'm unmarried; that'll just feel like another knife thrust into my heart in the wake of everything that went down in June. An extra kick in the groin for good measure.

Getting to know him was encouraging. He didn't get married until he was in his thirties, and he wrestled with having confidence just as I do. It's great to see how God has used him in amazing ways and answered his prayers. I'm hoping I'll have a story like that one day. I'm definitely ready for this story to be done.

This coming Sunday I'm preaching at Mayhill Church of Christ. The sermon is on forgiveness, and it's been a difficult one to write. Throughout the week I considered several different sermon topics, and then I realized that I was chafing against preaching on forgiveness because I have been unforgiving in my own heart. I know I need to practice forgiveness, but it's so damned difficult. I like to think I'm a pretty forgiving person, at least until I actually need to forgive someone. But by refusing to forgive, I'm simply giving the anger a foothold in my life; and that anger will, if left unchecked, blossom into bitterness and resentment. There's healing in forgiveness, but it's not a healing that comes easy; it feels more like a purging, or going into open-heart surgery absent anesthetic. But I'm a Christian, I belong to Christ, and it's my duty to forgive her for what happened. So long as I hold onto the hurt she caused, I'm sabotaging my own healing and growth. In order for me to move forward (and I desperately want to move forward), I need to forgive. I want to believe that God has good things for me, but by clinging to the past and harboring that anger in my heart, I'm closing myself off to what He has for me. I may never understand why she did what she did; I may never know if there's any meaning in what happened; but I don't need to. I just need to trust God and believe He's in control.