#theduckpond

the duck pond at Eden Park

Yesterday afternoon I went to the Overlook at the Duck Pond to read some scripture and ponder things. I'm a big ponderer. I always liked how Dan Dyke would always tell us to ponder scripture. To ruminate on it, to meditate on it, to just let it permeate us. My approach to scripture used to be meditative, but in the wake of C.C.U. it became academic. I'm trying to seek a balance between reading scripture academically and meditatively; if Paul's allowed to do some midrash in Romans, I should be allowed to open myself up to a Christian version of the same. The goal is to be Epicurean, to seek an appropriate balance. A purely academic reading can turn scripture into nothing short of archaic parchments; a purely meditative reading can open the doors to heresy.

All that aside, this is where my pondering led: everything that's happened in the past three months has made me into a better person than when Mandy and I were together. It has been hard, hard as hell, but there's been growth. Sometimes growth can come slowly; but when growth comes quickly, it often hurts, and hurts like hell. As paradoxical as it sounds, the more I've clung to Christ in all this, the stronger my faith and trust has become. I feel like I am in a place where I am steadily growing in my trust in God and His providence. It's not all pie-in-the-sky, and such lollipop-&-rainbow expectations are out-of-place in the Christian faith. Trust has been difficult, but as I force myself to trust Him in the midst of all that's happened, I find that trusting Him becomes easier, and it's fruitful: joy and peace I have known, even in the hardest hours. I may never know God's plans in everything with Mandy and me, but I do know that He is in control, and that He allowed it to happen from Day One knowing precisely how it would end. It didn't end well, but I can only trust that He saw the ending and decided to permit it to happen because He knew it would be good for me. And as much as I hate to admit it, it has been good for me; or, at least, God has used it to further conform me to Him and to fill me with His presence. I feel stronger because of it. I stand taller because of it, but only because I'm standing in Christ.

As much as I dislike how everything went down, God has used it to teach me a lot about what it means to spiritually lead the woman I'm with. My relationship with Mandy was my first real experience at this sort of leadership, and it isn't too surprising that I have a few things to learn. We were together for five months; men who have been married for thirty years are still learning how to lead, because it's not something that comes naturally: it takes a lot of wisdom, a lot of hard work, and lots of experience. My experiences have shown me where I am tempted to abdicate leadership, and they have shown me areas where I need to grow so that I can lead my future wife better. I may hate how things have gone down, but my future wife will be thankful for the lessons I've learned. Maybe the point of all this is a learning experience, a "trial run" of sorts to help prepare me for the Real Deal.

Through this God has illuminated areas of my life where I'm in need of healing. I've always tried to "repair" these wounded areas with superficialities and Scotch tape. What I need isn't a facelift but a new face. The Spirit has been convicting me a lot lately, but this conviction isn't one of condemnation. When conviction is paired with condemnation, you can be assured that conviction is not from the Spirit; the conviction that comes from the Spirit creates a godly sorrow, and that sorrow comes not with condemnation but with the hope of restoration. God is a Healer, and He desires to heal us of all those things that keep us in chains and hold us back from being the sort of people He wants us to be: a sort of people who love Him above all things, a sort of people who seek after Him and His glory, a sort of people who have been so transformed by Christ that they can say "It is not I who live, but Christ in me." When I die, I want people to say, "He was a great sinner who was consumed by Christ." And a great sinner is definitely what I am: but God is not content to leave me that way, and He will go to any lengths to shape me into the person He wants me to be.

I've been proactive about seeking first God's kingdom and His righteousness, and the results have been evident. Sometimes it feels like three steps forward and two steps back, but progress is being made, and that's what counts. When people talk about the will of God as if it's some secret to be unpacked, they're missing the fact that God has revealed His will to us: His will is that we trust in His Son, pursue holy living, and tell others about Jesus. Believing in His Son, pursuing holiness, proclaiming the excellencies of He who has called us from darkness and into light... That's what it looks like, fleshed-out, to Seek first God and His righteousness; and to those who do, Christ has promised that God will take care of all our needs. I've bitched and moaned about how God hasn't answered this-or-that prayer, and in my bitching I've been blind to all the blessings and provisions He has provided. I literally bathe in God's grace and providence. The natural response to this, no matter the dirt and grime of life, is that of praise and worship, and I've come to love my midnight drives home from work listening to worship songs and just singing at the top of my lungs on the highway. 

Seeing where healing is needed, I've been taking hold of all that I can to experience God's healing. I've been making the biggest priority of the day spending time with my Father, and I've found the initiative to find an "accountability partner" as well as a mentor. I've already had really great conversations with my mentor, and he's helped me see things about myself that I hadn't seen. He speaks truth into the darkest regions of my heart, and in that way he promotes healing. He's been through a lot of the same struggles I have been, and it's encouraging to find someone who's overcome through Christ.

The more time I spend in scripture and prayer, in communion with God, the more I crave those moments of intimacy. There's joy in reading scripture and peace in talking with God. And it's transformative: my desires are changing, so that I steadily desire His glory more than mine, so that I desire Him and His righteousness above all things. I feel like 2014 is ending on a good note, albeit not the good note I hoped for. I can honestly say that I'm already a different person than I was back when I was with Mandy, in the sense that I have more peace, more joy, more confidence in Christ and trust in God. My desire to glorify Him and honor Him in all that I do and say is growing exponentially. I'm plugging into my purpose, my vocation, and trusting that He knows what He is doing. I'm reminded of something a friend once told me: "Sometimes God gives us what we want, and then takes it away, so that when we find ourselves with no footing, we have nowhere to run but to Him, and in His arms we find that which we were looking for all along." There may be more than a nugget of truth to that.