an ending and an ascent

Today has been a really hard day. I'm thankful for these guys who bring me
such joy. 

I'm changing the blog's URL again, for personal reasons. 

The change will come into effect at midnight tonight.

Chances are, I've already given you the new URL.

If I haven't, get a hold of me and I'll give it to you.

I don't want anyone to think that Mandy and I had a bad relationship. It was the best relationship I've ever had, and the Wisconsinite is one of the best women I know and definitely the best girlfriend I've ever had the honor of calling my own. Whoever ends up with her will be far beyond blessed, and I hope he realizes that and treats her accordingly. I really do. The pain I feel, even three months after the fact, colors my perception of things; every good memory is stained by the loss, and I'm more eager to point out "less than optimal" things in our relationship because if I can convince myself it wasn't as great as I thought it was, that might make it easier. But it was great. For the most part I did feel loved and respected. I was really happy to be with the woman I loved, and I didn't care what it took to be with her. I didn't care about the battles we would face or the difficult times we would go through. I really do believe we would've been wonderful together. I'm alone in thinking that, of course; she doesn't think that, and no one I know thinks that. "She would've made you miserable in the long run." That's what I'm told (hell, that's what I tell myself), but deep down I don't believe it. Sifting through what I actually believe and what I want to believe to deaden the pain is a difficult task. I think, though, that the fact that even now I would take her back and carve a way forward and put all this behind us shows that my love is real and I really believe in us and in her, even still. 

But given time, that will change. 

I try to find some comfort in that.

old friend, why are you so shy?
ain't like you to hold back or hide from the light

i hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited
but i couldn't stay away, i couldn't fight it
i had hoped you'd see my face and that you'd be reminded
that for me it isn't over

never mind, i'll find someone like you
i wish nothing but the best for you too
don't forget me, i beg
i'll remember you said,
"Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead."

you know how the time flies
only yesterday was the time of our lives
we were born and raised in a summer haze
bound by the surprise of our glory days

nothing compares
no worries or cares
regrets and mistakes
they are memories made
who would have known how bittersweet this would taste?

[Adele, Someone Like You]