#anchor.reflections.

They may have a mural, but THIS is
the REAL face of The Anchor

I've been doing a lot of reflecting in the wake of preaching this past Sunday. Basically I've been asking, "What are the desires that lie so close to my heart?" My mind has been so muddled lately that the "atmosphere of discouragement" stains everything. What I do know is that preaching Sunday made me feel more alive than I have felt in months, as if my soul had been lit afire. Yesterday morning I went on a run through the woods listening to David Crowder's A Collision album (the eschatology in that album is spot on). Lots of thoughts came at me during the run, and before work in Blue Ash I went to Swaim Park and sat on a bench overlooking the pond, and I watched the ducks and put my thoughts to paper and let them blossom in my imagination.

The three desires that lie closest to my heart are easy to decipher: to advance God's kingdom and glorify Him in the way I live my life and treat other people, to be a godly husband who loves his wife as Christ loves the church, and to be a godly father who raises his children "in the way of the Lord." From these "pillars" I can concoct a "Vision for My Life." I've often been somewhat opposed to such visions, but the reason for my opposition is founded in doubt and fear: because nothing is certain, why aim at something concrete? if there are obstacles to be surmounted that always seem to bring you down, why keep trying? if life never goes according to plan, why plan at all? This logic isn't logic at all but the laments of a wounded heart. Perched up on that park bench with my pasty white legs crossed and the green moleskin journal unfolded in my lap, I began imagining what my desires would look like fleshed out.

I see myself being fit and healthy. I see myself practicing a vibrant, growing, and dynamic communion with God. I see myself using my skills at teaching and writing to advance God's kingdom, in whatever way that might be. I see myself as a minister at a small church, with my wife and our family in a close-knit community of encouragement, support, and admonishment. I see Sunday mornings filled with preaching the Word and praising God, and I see Sunday evenings filled with teaching on Christian doctrines. I see Youth Night Wednesdays and Young Adult Thursdays, and I see an adult bible study where we exegetically pour through books of the Bible (something we did at Forest Lake; it became insanely, not to mention surprisingly, popular). I see myself married to a beautiful, godly woman whom I love with all my heart, and I see myself leading her and cherishing her and loving her as Christ loves his church. I see us having children and raising them "to know and fear the Lord." This imaginative leap into my heart's desires is built upon the "3 Pillars" of what my heart craves most out of life: to be a tool in God's hand, to love my wife as she deserves and in a way that reflects the gospel, and to raise children to be decent human beings who love God with all their hearts. 

This is my dream.

This is my vision.

Everything with the Wisconsinite, when all is Said & Done, has done nothing more than confirm how deeply I desire not simply to love and be loved but to love and be loved in a way that honors and glorifies God. Everything we shared, the dreams we had, the future we were planning for... It was a future that fed into what I crave, and I'm sure that's a factor as to why things have been difficult in the wake of our dissolution. Whenever I preach the gospel, or teach on the scriptures, or even participate in such things as a bystander, my desire for such a vocation is reaffirmed. These things lie close to my heart, and they shouldn't be discarded or sidelined in light of discouragement. I must fight against disillusionment, I must believe that I am capable, by God's grace, of being the kind of person I want to be; and I can even go so far as to speculate that these noble and godly desires within me come straight from Him. Perhaps all that I have been through, the Wisconsinite included, is part of His story in my life, ways He is preparing me for my future ministry and, most important of all, my future marriage and family. 

I must forget the past and put it behind me.

I must enjoy the present and strive for the future.

I can't let myself be weighed down by defeat and discouragement.

I can't let the disappointments of life anchor me in my present circumstances.

God wants more for me than that. And I want more for me than that.