quiet confessions from an unknown nobody

Quiet confession from a no-talent waste-of-space made loud. I'm a struggling Christian. I battle sin and sometimes I lose; lick my wounds, stand back up. Heart for God--I believe. But recently I haven't had any desire to go to church, and as of now am pretty solid in not going (though I might go tomorrow because of 'certain circumstances') to church. What's the point of going to church? For me, there is no church. Maybe I'm just hollow. Maybe all the problems are inside me, and no one else suffers. But when I look around at church, I see the same things I see in my own life--corruption, wickedness, lies. What is the point of going to church? One might say, "to worship God"--at church, my worship seems stale and fake; at home, alone, or with friends at a friend's house or around a bonfire, it seems real and life-changing. Or how about, "to grow nearer to God?" Like a lot of people, I don't seem to grow--I go into church starving for some spiritual meat, and I leave more empty than when I entered. "Church is for hanging out with other believers." Many students--and adults--at my church are fake--they starve for popularity, for being with the "right people". They aren't caring, or real. I can't be real with most people at my church. Many of my relationships at my church are shallow, drunk wastes of time. No one there really cares for one another--though there are certainly exceptions--and most people don't want you (rather, me) there at all--so why go? If you're unwanted, leave.

Who can I go for when I need help? Where do I go when I need someone to listen? Whose shoulder do I cry on when the tears flow? I know not to go to many of those at my church. If I have a problem, the answer I most often get from fellow church-goers is, "Sorry, it's your own problem, just deal with it." No comfort, no love, no caring. When I need some help, people reply, "It's not a real problem, it's just inside of you." If it's just inside of me, then how come I'm not the only person recognizing it? Odd, isn't it, that the one friend I can really count on to listen is one who is struggling just as I am. The one person who really listens and cares and gives comfort is the one who is condemned by the church leaders who are ignorant of my cries.

I hope I'm not making my church out to look evil or anything. I'm sure all churches have the same problems, or variants, of varying degrees. There are people there who DO love, people there who DO care. It has great leaders, people who really strive for a relationship with God, people who are great people for God. I just happen to be in a sector where, sometimes, that doesn't seem to be the case. Sometimes I feel as if my church hurts my relationship with God more than it helps it. Perhaps the fact that my church is "seeker-sensitive" adds to the weight of my concerns of a Christian who wants more spiritual meat, not watered-down, cultivated, spiritual skim milk. I could say part of my problem in fighting sin lies with the church (though this is a lousy--no, a wont--excuse because it isn't the church's responsibility to fight temptation, but my own).

I'm not out there to offend anyone. Just a confession.