week 6

Monday. I worked 4-8:00 after school, and then I drove to Chris' and we walked through the chiseling cold to the U.D.F. outside his neighborhood. We bought donuts and then trekked back to his house, regretting the idea of not taking the Jeep. I was home by 10:00, and I burned some incense cones and lit some candles and spent some time in prayer and worship, playing my guitar. I only know a few songs, but they'll do.

Tuesday. Chris got his stitches out today, and he came over once I got home from school. Lee joined us, and so did Megan (Hank's sister). We sat around and did homework, helped Mom move some couches. Pat D. came over, and we all loaded up in the Jeep and picked up a girl named Ashlie F., and we went to Small Group at Zach and Kristen's house. We drank sprite, played Clue (Lee won), and watched American Idol. I ate a dog treat, I'm not really sure why. I played the Titanic song on guitar and sang it at the top of my lungs. It was frightening. I ferried people home, and I crawled into bed and fell asleep listening to the gurgling fish tank.

Wednesday. I woke up early, showered, and napped on the sofa downstairs with Doogie at my side and a cup of Fanga on the coffee table. School was decent, and Bryon came over and lamented his sorrows about the sad state of our world. He headed out, and Chris, Lee and I went to I.G.A. and Kroger for snacks. We went through the bank for Lee, and Chris kept opening and closing the doors, I had to yell at him three times to get him to stop. Chris went home early, and Lee and I hung out at my place for a while. I'm reading Jurassic Park right now, really getting into it yet again. I first read it as a wee boy when we lived in Anna.

Thursday. I hung out with Dylan after school; Tyler was going to join us, but he went to the YMCA to work out instead. I wonder if it's normal for me to feel like a hypocrite when I wear a Christian t-shirt or my cross necklace? Over the last couple weeks I started a dinosaur series called The Muerte Files, but I canned it today. It's just no good. 

Friday. Accounting class is driving me insane: I can't wait for it to end! I worked 3-8:00 after work. I was the only bagger (a recurring theme these last several weeks) because two people didn't show up. Linda wanted me to stay extra late, but I said "No." I picked up Penn Station on my way home, and I had ice cream for desert. I only ate half of it, because Doogie attacked my bowl when I left it out of sight for but a moment.

Saturday. More snow fell overnight. I worked 9-4:00, I think I got high off cold medicine? Dad and I fixed supper at the house, and I went over to the Williams' to hang out with them, Bryon, Pat D., and Hank. Hank yelled at me to get out, and then complained about me being there. That felt pretty awesome. I went upstairs, heard Pat D. cussing up a storm. I didn't mind. I don't think it's a sin. He kept telling me how much he loves me, how I'm one of his best friends. It's a shared sentiment. It's funny to think that 1 1/2 years ago, I couldn't stand the kid. Now he's like a brother to me. I hung out with them for a while, but Hank was being weird, so I headed home and Dad and I watched Phone Booth in the basement.

Sunday.  I've been really sad lately, about a lot of things, and I've shared this with a few people to only have them commentate on my spiritual state as if that's the definite cause. People seem to think Christians are sinning if they're "down in the dumps," "grief-stricken," or "swimming in the blues." Have such people ever read the Psalms, or sat with Jesus in Gethsemane? Bryon and I went to Grace Baptist Church with his girlfriend Erika. Everyone was dressed up, singing out of hymnals, brass instruments. Bryon got yelled at for taking a cappuccino into the sanctuary. "I didn't even take a sip!" he exclaimed. "What's that dude's freaking problem?!" The message was good: God is Spirit, God is Light, God is Truth, God is Love. Bryon knew lots of people there. We dropped Erika off at her house afterwards, and she was pissed because Bryon wasn't going to spend the rest of the day hanging out with her like he said he would. He dropped me off at my house and went to the Williams': Pat D., Chris, Hank, Corey and Bryon all got together, but I didn't go because I knew Hank would have a fit, and if I'm not cool enough for him, that's fine. I spent the evening lounging around, and Dad told me Jeff's planning on revamping 412. I can't help but wonder if this is because he's seen the evil, the wickedness, in 412? ["OMG Anth. It was a high school youth group. What else should you expect? And 'evil'? 'Wickedness'? Good grief."] I decided I wanted to see everybody, so I drove over to the Williams'. Lee was working, and the rest of us went to the pot-luck at Southwest. I helped Brian out with the kids, got free pizza and apple juice. Pat D. and I were about ready to leave, and Jeff wanted to talk. We tried to get out of it, but we saw the hurt in his eyes; so we succumbed, and he took us to a secluded lobby and asked us why we were really leaving. I told him it was because we weren't getting anything out of 412, that we wanted something deeper. He was really worried about us and wanted us to stay. I didn't tell him that the real reason I wanted to go was because I felt like a no-talent, waste-of-space, social loser whom no one at 412 loves or cares to know.  Pat D. decided to stay, but I didn't want to look spineless, so I went home. Mom and Dad could tell something was wrong, wanted to talk about it; so we sat in the living room and I told them how I felt rejected, ostracized, and alone at 412, and how unfounded rumors had spread amidst the girls there and turned them against me. So Mom and Amanda left the house to go talk to Jeff at the pot-luck, and when they came back Mom told me that Jeff wasn't surprised that I wanted to go deeper, he knows he's stretched thin and that's out of his control, and the fact is that I'm friends with a good number of those people at 412, like Chris & Lee, Pat D. and Bryon, Corey, etc. Mom thinks I'm depressed and need medicine. Dad says I need to treasure those friendships I do have rather than lament those that I don't. "You can't change what others think or say about you, but you have control over who you are." 

So. Yeah. Long day.