I have been graced with the simple life for a few days. Lightning struck our house twice yesterday in that big storm that rolled over, and the internet cables were fried and the pieces in the phone box were blown fifty feet in every direction. My aunt says that as she was showering she could feel the electricity in the water. Yes, she breathes this moment. I do desire the simple life, and a wish of mine is to have lived in the 18th Century (the 1700s). I just wish I had more time to prepare. I'm waist-deep in 412 internship jazz, and with my surgery on Friday and my being all but bedridden for five or six days afterwards, it's really up to my neck trying to get everything figured out. I am on at the church office right now but have to stop the post because I've got a handful of phone calls to make. Peace to all of you.

I am such a stubborn person. I truly am. I will tell you why: God tells me one thing, speaks to my heart, and I hear Him clearly, but I do something totally different. The next day God says the same exact thing, except in different ways; I don't pretend to misunderstand, I do understand, and I understand quite well. But I am apathetic. In the quite times, in the silence, He whispers sweet nothings in my ears, and I am finally forced to just stop, look at my life, and acknowledge He is right. He always is. He is brilliant and loving and there's none better.

Sometimes I am just too selfish to chase after Him, even when He chases after me. Something is wrong within me; to be blatantly honest, sometimes I would rather read a book - or write one - than develop intimacy with God. I am not blind. There is a war going on over me and my intimacy with God. The King whispers in my ear and the Enemy throws distractions my way. I often fall for the trap. He has been whispering to me many days now, and I cannot block His voice. He is quite the persistent One. He is the Way, the Truth, and the Life. How come we doubt this?

Mom tells me, "Your sister and Ashlie are at North Park. You have to pick them up." "Okay." I dress in dark clothes and jump into the Jeep, dreaming up ways I could scare them. I contemplated breaking away from them halfway through the pitch black woods, then freaking them out by running through the forest and making weird noises. Then I thought, What if they are on the way back? So I decided that if they were walking, I would go past, turn around where they can't see me, turn on the brights, and follow along about twenty yards behind them to think they were being stalked. This all sounds quite mean, and I assure you, it is commonplace with me and these two girls. One is my sister; the other is like my sister she's here all the time. In fact she just left.

I get to North Park and I climb through the dark woods; it is too dark for me to see and I am tresspassing and I am thinking that I will be screwed if a cop comes and it will be the girls' fault for being too scared to walk through the woods without a guy. I keep my mind from running loops of imagination and only once does my heart skip a beat. Unfortunately, the girls are not at the swings. Nor are they by the lit-up bathrooms. Pacing around the park, completely alone, bathing in the light of a million fire-flies, I decided that they had eluded capture and made my way back down through the woods; this time my imagination was not held back, and I kept imagining a serial killer with a scythe blade running after me through the woods, watching with crimson eyes till the right moment to pounce. I almost tripped down the path and decided to pick up a stick just in case.

When I finally got home, Ash and Ams were downstairs in my room. They'd gotten a ride home from Al.

Lee drinks chai beside me, Doogie panting and sniffing around Lee's chair; Lee grunts, "Stay back you demon child." He is saying about the chai, "It needs to be a year-round drink." Chris and Pat Hague's hot dogs are cajun-style. It is so nice to sit out here with friends, listening to A Beautiful Mind on the laptop, and roasting hot dogs. Tonight really is such a wonderful night.

The Nazi Centerville Library sucked thirty bucks from my pocket for a few videos 10 days late. That was my gas money, so I'm pretty much just going to be laying around home unless I gotta leave. I could take money out of the bank, but I don't think my parents would like that. Sorry, friends, I can't drive or pick anyone up for the next two weeks cause I am hosed.

I am about to go meet with Roger, then (hopefully) rock-climbing with Jeff and the team. The engine in my Jeep is shot, so I pretty much have no way to get to Jeff's, as Mom needs our other spare car. He is on vacation, and as far as I know, not answering e-mail or phone messages. If he doesn't get my message in the next hour and twenty minutes, he'll think I ditched him, when really my Jeep ditched me :-).

Tomorrow is going to be an excruciatingly boring day: doctor's appointment to get my wisdom-teeth checked out, then hitting the road for work. What enjoyable, innoculating fun. Oh well. Somehow, despite how bad it seems, I am always able to keep a happy face and laughter rolling at work. Ashlie is getting a job there soon, yay!

Peace to all of you

What is new with Anthony Barnhart? I am unofficially making sure 412 doesn't run off the tracks while Jeff is on his 2-week vacation and am enjoying - a lot - my internship with the Jr. Highers. I've discovered the beauties of rock-climbing and cannot wait to do it "for real" on July 9 or so. I've been getting into lots of alien movies - Independence Day, E.T., the Taken series, Close Encounters of the Third Kind. I have been writing, too: a book that's all about intimacy with God. Oh, someone tried to steal some of my work off the Internet and publish it under his or her name, but we took care of that. I have discovered that 36 Hours has become quite popular on the internet; last week the count was around 250 readers and growing. I think I will go watch Starsky and Hutch and wonder if Pat D. is coming over today. Really, there's no way to know.

Often I find myself contemplating death and eternal live in Heaven and the New Universe. I am actually writing an essay entitled A Treatise on Death (yes, I am that obsessed). I think we need to spend a lot of time dwelling death and our fates - certainly the Early Church and Christ did. In John 11, we see the infamous "Jesus raises Lazarus" story. It's nothing new to us - Jesus' friend dies, and He weeps for Him, and is so hurt by his death that He brings him back. But as I read the story through, several things stood out to me more vibrantly than ever before.

Jesus was warned that Lazarus was sick and about to die, but He firmly decided not to go help His friend. In verse 14, Jesus says something surprising: "I'm glad Lazarus died!" I don't know if I'd be glad if my close friends hit the rocks, but Jesus understands something they do not. Jesus is cool and collected in His talks about Lazarus, and even when He meets Lazarus' sisters, Mary and Martha, He is not displaying any sorrow. The all-knowing God-Messiah seems to have forgotten that His friend just died. Only when Jesus sees Mary and the other Jews weeping, only then did He have some disturbing feelings swirling around in His gut. And then Jesus begins to weep.

Why is He weeping? We say it's because He misses His friend. Then how come the all-powerful Christ didn't rescue Him? How come Jesus seemed so detached from reality if He is all-knowing? I don't think He is crying because He misses His friend. He starts crying when He sees the others crying and just when He is about to go and raise Lazarus from the dead. Listen: Jesus starts crying right before He brings His good friend to life! What's wrong with the Messiah?

The question is, "What's wrong with us?" I believe Jesus is weeping because the people do not understand the reality of eternal life. He is weeping because they do not understand that Lazarus is not dead, but walking around in Paradise, a world far better than ours, a world that, were we allowed a brief glimpse, we would easily accept all of the sorrows of this earth to acquire. Think of Maui and Cancuun and the Caribbean all rolled into one and multiplied by a billion, and you haven't grasped the beauty and wonder and pleasures of the Intermediate Heaven. Christ is weeping because the people haven't really wrapped their minds and hearts around the truth that "this side" is but an echo, murmur, and shadow of the beautiful world "on the other side". And as He weeps before He commands Lazarus to come out, I believe He is weeping because He is about to bring a close and intimate friend out of Paradise and back into the sin-contaminated Earth. Christ has seen the splendors of Heaven and He is sorry that Lazarus will have to return, where no doubt he will deal with depression, anxiety and sorrow because he was taken from the land that made him whole.

"I assure you, most solemnly I tell you, if anyone observes My teaching [lives in accordance with My message, keeps My word], he will by no means ever see and experience death... If a man keeps My word, he will never taste of death for all eternity." - John 8:51,52

No big theological viewpoints here. Just a simple, irrefutable observation: we fear death too much. Why do we fear it when Christ promises that His disciples - us! - will never see or experience death as we know it?

I have been thinking a lot about Heaven lately. Consequently, I always do, but the thought has made my longing intense, and I have desired to just go now, enter the intermediate Heaven, and await the re-spinning of the universe - and the earth - for the New Heavens and New Earth. I believe God implants our desires inside us, desires that are, to some degree, unique to us.

Many of my friends find their passion rooted in music; I believe God gives many of us a taste for good music, and wires us all to enjoy different kinds; I also believe the music in Heaven will be simply amazing, and all the wonderful music we know now are but echoes of the music to be found in Heaven. All the songs that just make your heart leap and sing and forget everything are shadows of the music to be created by the children of God.

Lee is passionate about weather like most people are not; maybe one day he will study the weather on the New Earth or even on planets strewn across the universe. Perhaps one day he will be the greatest storm-chaser to ever live, and take people on trips into the Red Eye of Jupiter, a storm several times the size of Earth.

Mindy's passion is giraffes; really, how many of us are crazily in love with giraffes? She is. It is not ridiculous to assume God put this inside her; after all, He created the giraffes, and no doubt He, too, is in love with them. Would He have created them if they did not find a special place in His heart?

Genesis says we are made in the image of God; certainly this reflects our desires: just as God is passionate about giraffes, so Mindy is. Just as my friends are passionate about music, so is God. Just as Lee gets childishly excited with a passion storm, so God enjoys spinning the storms in the heavens. I am sure He had fun with the storms of Jupiter. Mindy, Lee, and my other friends are all made in the image of God. But we must remember: God is more passionate about giraffes, God is more passionate about music, God is more passionate about storms than we ever can be.

Pat Dewenter and I went to Borders today. A dinosaur book was on sale, and something inside me cried out, and I picked it up, and just leafed through the pages, mesmerized and awed and longing to be alongside them. Really, it is a childish and otherworldly desire. But there is something within them that speaks to me. I am made in the image of God; just as God is passionate about dinosaurs, so I am passionate about dinosaurs. But God is even more passionate about dinosaurs. Something inside me says that the task God will give me in Heaven is a task of studying dinosaurs, learning about them, and writing books on them. Maybe the books will be enjoyed by children on the New Earth, and maybe I will invite visitors to my land and show them the beautiful creatures. I am smiling right now. I may sound crazy, but there will be dinosaurs on the New Earth, as animals will be present in their perfect and unspoiled forms.

Many of us, I believe, will be surprised at how earthy the eternal Heaven will be. We imagine it is a place of pure spirituality, and it is. But true spirituality is not found outside the physical realm; in fact, it breeds and prospers in the material world. Our idea of worship in Heaven as just being an eternal church service is flawed; while there most certainly will be intimate and passionate bow-down-and-sing worship, worship will also be done through enjoying the New Heavens and New Earth. John Piper was given a divine revelation: "...the chief end of man is to glorify God by enjoying Him forever." And enjoying Him involves enjoying the New Heavens and New Earth. This post is long. I am excited.

God speaks in the silence; well, not so much silence, as the engine was roaring in my ears and the wind blowing through the window. It was 10:10 at night and the stars and moon were hidden in a misty haze. Water-drops started sprinkling on my windshield; I turned down the volume on my Eisley music and just started praying. Praying about a lot of stuff: things going on in my life, the future, concerns, sin, intimacy with Him. I find it odd; I am such an advocate of discipleship and intimacy with God, yet something holds me back from pursuing any of that deeper. God revealed this to me, and as I dug, I discovered a strange wall set between me and pursuing deeper intimacy and discipleship. This wall, I believe, is set by the Evil One, and it is apathy disguised as busyness. God spoke to me, saying, "It's not too late."

I am going to go totally public with this one. We all make spiritual vows and resolutions, but we all know how hard they are to keep. It is as if a small army is set against us (wow, there is an army against us, except it's huge). My vow is simply to stop shirking discipleship and to stop not pursuing intimacy. Really, I shake my head and think about how dumb I've been, falling to the Evil One's trap. I covet your prayers; no doubt the Evil One will launch attacks against me. It is possible to get so busy with God that we forget to grow closer to God. This is a mistake I've made and one I am intent to correct.

Peace to all of you. The Creator is so beautiful.

Christ Himself walks among the Church, the Body of Christ (Revelation 2:1). This is not figurative; in a way we cannot understand, a way invisible to us, Christ is walking amongst us as we gather, whether it is in homes, at work, on the playground or in a church building. He is with us as we work, sleep, eat, whether we are with friends, enemies, or alone. He sees everything we do: whether our worship is intimate or fake, He knows. Whether we love others, He knows. He has hot words to say to those who gather in His Name but do not live like it’s so (read Revelations 2 and 3). It is simply a comforting thought (or perhaps a scary one) that Christ walks among us as we worship and as we live our lives. There is no reason for me to doubt that Christ is beside me right now, for He promised me and all of His disciples, “I’ll be with you… day after day after day, right up to the end of the age.” (Matthew 28:20) Perhaps Christ sits across the table from me, or is leaning over my shoulder, hand on my back, eyes watching the screen as I type, watching the words unfold. Christ walks among us; if our worship is fake, He will know.

The church is constantly being tempted to accept this world as her home... but if she is wise she will consider that she stands in the valley between the mountain peaks of eternity past and eternity to come. The past is gone forever and the present is passing as swift as the shadow on the sundial of Ahaz. Even if the earth should continue a million years not one of us could stay to enjoy it. We do well to think of the long tomorrow. - A.W. Tozer

I have heard the whispers of God, the still small voice in the silence. I have been battling depression in spurts over the last couple weeks, and more than once I have looked up to the Heavens and cried out, "God, why aren't you helping me?" Tonight I realize that God is not here to make life perfect for me on a sin-contaminated earth. He is far more interested in my development into a wonderful eternal being, and what development can be found apart from great trials and problems? I have a tendency to view my life as being one that will end in forty or so years, and I begin to feel panicky and restless, worrying about silly things that make no sense when all is said and done. I forget that this world is but a shadow of the next, a dream inside reality. I keep forgetting that everything here is but a colorless echo of what is to be found when I die.

God whispers to me, "You worry too much about the small things that don't really matter. You think you are being jipped because you don't have all the blessings you want. Please understand that many of those around you, in all the pleasures afforded them, are tasting the closest they'll ever get to Heaven; and you, in all your sorrows and depression, are tasting the closest you'll ever get to Hell. How could you ever think for a moment that I had abandoned you, forsaken you, left you for dead? How could you ever think that I want you to suffer in life? Please understand that you have a wonderful and marvelous life waiting for you, far better than you can hope for. You know a little of what it is going to be like; it is revealed through My Word. Do not work so hard at gaining earthly pleasures or earthly gains; it is all a shadow to be broken in the end. Strive after Me. Strive after life. Work hard at doing good, work hard at avoiding evil, pursue intimacy with Me in everything you do. Love others. Follow Me. In 200 years, you and everyone on the earth will be dead. Earthly gains will not matter. All that will matter is your pursuit of Me - or your lack of it."

Jonathan Edwards said that this life ought only be spent as a journey towards Heaven. He has a very good point, and God's been saying the same thing to me as He may have said to Mr. Edwards a long time ago. It is easy to see this present earth as our home, and it's easy to get concerned about the future, about all our problems, and forget that there is a much better and much more wonderful life waiting for us, where we will be rewarded for our intimacy with God. We need to understand this and do as Edwards - and God - commands us to: live life as a journey to Heaven.

If I were to walk outside and sit in the grass, I could complain and bicker and rant and rave about all my problems; but I have to realize that there will come a day when I can sit down, on the grass, right outside my window, when the old earth is gone and the New Earth exists, a time when I will wish I would've spent more time pursuing God and less time worrying about dingy earth life. Friends, there is coming a day when we will enter Heaven; and there is coming a day when the earth as we know it will be destroyed by fire and re-created, re-spun as a new creation. There is coming a day when this earth will be a place of radiant, undeniable joy. The day is coming so we must live our lives as a journey towards that day. What we do now - and don't do - will not be forgotten.

Yesterday was my first day of interning when I was actually around the Jr. Highers. Jeff and I had met a couple times before this, at BW3's, his garage, the church. Without diving into all the details, I really enjoyed yesterday. It was fun hanging out with the kids, getting to know them better, and tagging along with Jeff and Dean, trying to figure out what we were going to do next. I am really thankful that the church and Jeff are allowing me to intern this summer. This far in (which isn't very far), I think I will enjoy youth ministry.

Today I am also thankful for having most of the day off of scheduled duties - until 5:00 when we go to the Franklin Area Food Pantry to help out where we can. Tomorrow I hang out with Dylan, maybe go rock climbing, then off to Starting-Line class at 6:30. Friday we mulch/trim/paint for the Rape and Abuse Crises Center at a hidden location. I think I will enjoy it. Saturday I work 10-4, but afterwards my day is clear and open to friends or self. Sunday, of course, is church and all that fun stuff.

My summer is going along well. I hope yours is, too.

After my doctor's appointment, Mom took me to a ring of libraries and we rented a few movies. Red Lobster whispered my name, so I asked her if the two of us could go, and she said, "Okay." I watched the lobsters in the tank and pondered whether or not we'll be able to breathe underwater in the New Heavens and New Earth. Mom found it in her heart to allow me to buy a twenty-dollar lobster dish alongside some cheddar-cheese biscuits. When our gallavanting was over, I got a call from Dewenter and drove over there; we went to The Flower Factory in Centerville, where I bought three Samurai swords dirt-cheap, not to mention a snazzy new watch that's put at retail value around two hundred bucks. It only cost me six. I don't think it's worth two-hundred, but it is very nice. Janie called: I.G.A. found themselves in a jam so I went in for two and a half hours. It really wasn't so bad: Stephanie, Joel, Josh and Shannon were all there. It was actually kind of fun (as fun as work can get). Pat Dewenter and I played Half-Life 2: Deathmatch at my house before he left around midnight (he has exams today).

I must be getting ready: doctor's appointment in half an hour (yes, another one!) and then Paramount's King's Island at 12:30. Tomorrow is a missions trip to the Franklin Food Pantry, Thursday is Starting-Line, Friday is Mission's Trip, and Saturday is work. I have Sunday clear on the calender (except for church, but that's always fun).

The need to surrender everything I am - the entire Me - over to God has been pressing against me lately. Sometimes I make the mistake of compartmentalizing God; God is here, my worries are here, my addictions are here. In trying to overcome addictions, I try to pull my god from his drawer and put him in the addictions drawer; needless to say, it does not work. I can feel God telling me that instead of Him being in a drawer, He needs to be the dresser. Does that make sense? Everything I am must find its place in the Being of God and my journey and intimacy with Him. My worries, addictions, my work, my play, my school, my hobbies, my writing, my desires: they all must find culmination in my journey and intimacy with God. Until I completely surrender everything I am over to Him, then I will never be able to experience the abundant and beautiful joy found only in Christ.

The weather is so nice out here on the deck. I am listening to A Beautiful Mind; Amanda sits to my left talking about our meal at China Cottage, and my Dad and Mom have joined us in jealousy upon the deck. Dad is talking about how cool he is and Ams is ignoring him and Ash is staring at him like, "Is he serious?" Dad is telling Ams, "You just need to look at the instructions when things don't work," and Ams says, "Instructions are just too confusing; I just look at the pictures." My day has been marked with a long day of work, visiting Patrick, taking Amanda and Ashlie out to eat at China Cottage. We plan on laying out and looking at the stars while listening to David Crowder's, Stars.

The day did not start off exciting. Getting a lethal injection in the arm does not compete with pleasure. Oooh, it is still sore. Nor did I think the day would be extremely better when I sat in the school parking lot for half an hour picking up my little sister.

My day picked up with boneless buffalo wings and potato wedges from BW3's with Jeff, the youth minister for 412. He is allowing me to intern with him this summer, working with the Junior High kids. I am excited, have always wanted to work with the Junior Highers. Despite work, I expect this summer should be fun (interning, friends, CIY, Crank's Creek...).

After another doctor's appointment, Jeff introduced me to the wonderful world of rock climbing in the Oregon District. I didn't think it could really be that exciting, but there's nothing like being pressed against a wall sixty feet in the air, convinced that if you don't defy the odds, you will fall and break your neck. Adrenalin surges through you and you just say, "Screw it," and race to the top. It is a wonderful feeling and I hope to do it again. I got certified today and am considering a membership or at least a 9-visit pass.

Another surprise awaited me when I stepped into my door at home: my graduation present, a beautiful laptop groomed to me specifications, had arrived in the mail. After chatting with Bryon, Debbie and Laura down the street, I tore into the laptop and now it sits beside me. I do not have internet on it yet, but I am not complaining: my bedroom internet is wonderful. Tomorrow I hang out with Dylan, maybe eat China Cottage, then Jeff and I go over some internship jazz before my weekend of work begins...

If we really understood what Christianity was all about - what the Cross is all about - I don't think sin would look so appetizing, nor would false gods or false lovers be such a struggle. When the offering of intimacy with God is on the table, who would ever turn their back on it? Yet we turn our backs on it all the time. Many of us think Christ came just so we could be forgiven and have eternal life; we don't imagine those are actually by-products of something much greater, intimacy with the Creator. But even those who do understand - or at least catch glimpses of understanding - that Christ and the Cross came so we could be intimate, even those who can put a finger on this truth find it hard to cultivate intimacy, even if they want it so bad. Why? We really don't have a clue on what intimacy with God really is; since it has to do with religion, we pump it full of religious lace, thereby profaning its real meaning. The plain and simple truth is that intimacy with God is hard to come by; so much stands in our way. Intimacy doesn't happen overnight, it takes a long, long time, culminating to completion the moment we enter Heaven, submerged completely in God's wonderful presence. But even though intimacy with God is so apparently difficult, we cannot sleight it; in my mind, it must be at the center-piece of ever lesson, every Bible Study, every sermon, because it is the core of Christ's message and the Cross. When we discuss anything God-oriented but don't mention intimacy, we are fools and doing a disservice to everyone listening.

Life has been so busy lately, with graduation and graduation parties and hanging out with friends. Don't get me wrong, it hasn't been bad at all. I've enjoyed every minute of it. Except sometimes, at least for me, I just need to wind down, close myself off from others, just listen to music and relax for hours at a time. There is something beautiful to be discovered in solitude; while I know we're designed for relationship, it would be a mistake to think that we're supposed to plug ourselves into relationships without breaks. Sometimes, when I am surrounded by people for long periods of time, I start to get cranky and upset and annoyed by the smallest, dumbest things; solitude is a necessity for me.