This time last semester, I would never have guessed that I'd be where I'm at now. Over the past several months, beginning in late summer and reaching out till now, so much has happened. I went from being forever-single to having been through three different relationships. I went into the fall semester of my sophomore year with brilliant hopes; I thought it would be the best semester of college thus far. It looked like that was the case at first, but in a single Sunday evening, everything went to hell. While it was but a pinprick, it set off an avalanche--an avalanche of bottled emotions, hidden fears, and buried pains--that swarmed over me, leaving me bloody and broken. At times I had to scrounge for a mere breath to stay alive. Thousands of questions and doubts about everything I'd always believed assaulted me. Cognitive dissonance--when perceived reality does not match actual reality--reformed my outlooks on life, relationships, and even altered some of my theology. It was a painful time with many tears.

Then a light blossomed on the horizon. I had not come out of the valley, but I could see the fog lifting. Joy sparked within my heart, and I believed that I was finally coming to the end of the great trial. However, one Sunday evening a few weeks ago, I found myself again laden with regret, sorrows, and an unimaginable weight of despair. The light seemed to fade into the shadows, and I felt completely cut-off from hope once more.

Then I started getting counseling. My family and friends recommended it, and I did so. I hoped that counseling would make the light return in an instant (a foolish hope, but we all have such foolish hopes). However, this counseling--at times--only seems to make things worse. All the buried memories and agonies are being brought to the surface. I have to live through all the pain again. Pains I'd all but forgotten--pains that began in my junior high years--are coming to light, and I am beginning to see the huge affect it's had on my life. Nevertheless, it's SO hard, and sometimes it seems rather counter-productive, but I'm going to stick through it. What have I got to lose?

Revelations have been striking me from every direction. Revelations about my life. Revelations about God. Revelations about what in the world I'm doing here. Some are difficult to stomach; others are heartwarming. A realization came to me about an hour ago, and it tore my heart out. Any silent, hidden hopes and dreams that had been buried came to the surface and were instantly pulverized. They lied smoldering at my feet as the realization rooted itself deep within me: "There's no hope."

Yet I clasp onto hope. I wrap my fingers tight around it. Sometimes it feels like barbed wire: the harder I squeeze, the more pain it causes me. But I refuse to let go.

I've always been a big fan of martial arts movies, and Jet Li is one of my favorite martial arts actors. Over Christmas Break I watched a collection of movies to pass the time, and his most recent (and some say his final) movie "Fearless" was one of them. It's not the best Jet Li movie I've ever seen (my personal favorite is "Kiss of the Dragon"), but "Fearless" nevertheless had a very good story-line. Near the end of the story, Jet Li forms a martial arts school called the "Jingwu Sports Federation." A very brilliant character, he forces all of the school's students to undergo three sets of disciplines. If any student refuses to adhere to any set of disciplines, he is not allowed to join the institution. The three disciplines are:

1. Discipline of the Mind
2. Discipline of the Body
3. Discipline of the Spirit

Discipline of the mind involved various studies; discipline of the body involved the actual discipline of martial arts; and discipline of the spirit involved something else, but I saw it nearly a month ago, so I forget what it was :). As I watched the movie, I thought, "Hey! Instead of just wandering through my days aimlessly, I should put together a discipline." It's not an original idea; people have been doing it for centuries (though in our Western world, it is rather uncommon). So here's what I've been thinking about lately in regards to my "disciplines." Any questions, comments, and concerns will be appreciated.

The Discipline of My Mind: I want to spend time each day studying to achieve my goals in life. Primarily, this involves studying for my classes at school and even doing extra-curricular studying to improve my own intellect over certain topics or subjects that I wish to know more about.

The Discipline of My Body: While it'd be cool to know martial arts, I'm taking a different spin on this. I want to discipline my body in such a way that it is a holy instrument for God. This involves eating healthy, living healthy, and exercising. It is quite a difficult thing to do, but I know it can be done. It will be very hard at first, but it will get easier as time progresses.

The Discipline of My Spirit: This one is simple: I want to grow closer to God. I want to experience Him, taste Him, bathe in His presence and hear His voice. Some say that this is not possible; such individuals are either those who are too caught up in knowledge and lacking in experience, or those who have never really experienced God. "I have experienced God. He is real. And He wants me to experience Him more." How will I do this? Through daily disciplines of prayer, meditation, scripture-reading, and fasting. As I grow closer to God, my heart will be transformed and my behavior will be realigned as well. Mostly I want to grow closer to God because I love Him and want to live my life beside Him.

a quiet reminder

As I walked out onto the deck this morning, I came face-to-face with several cardinals chirping and playing in the snow. The moment I saw it, a great wind of relief and comfort washed over me, and I heard a whisper in my ear, perhaps from the Spirit of God: "See how I take care of these cardinals? Don't you think I will take care of you, too? See how I care so much for these cardinals? Don't you think I care for you? I will take care of you, Anthony, and I do care for you: immeasurably more than I care for those cardinals!"

It would be incorrect for me to say that I am going through a hard time right now. Wrestling with manic-depression, coming face-to-face with painful memories I buried underneath my conscious, and having to wake up every morning depressed because I dream of "returning" memories makes life very hard for me. I would also be incorrect to say that I am alone. One of my good friends is dealing with an extreme amount of heartache and heartbreak right now. It hurts me to see her like this, and I want to do whatever I can to help her get to the point where the pain doesn't hold her back from the great things God has in store for her. However, I know there is only so much I can do. My hope and prayer is that the sparrow that brought peace to me may bring peace to her.

For Messiah has told us,

"Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life? And why are you anxious about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? Therefore do not be anxious, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. But seek the first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you." - Jesus, Mt 6.25-33, ESV

I love how "The Message" paraphrases verse 33: "Steep your life in God-reality, God-initiative, God-provisions. Don't worry about missing out. You'll find all your everyday human concerns will be met." The Contemporary English Version is excellent, too: "But more than anything else, put God's work first and do what he wants. Then the other things will be yours as well."

In suffering, it isn't easy to put God's work first and do what He wants. Sometimes it feels rather antithetical: "Why obey God when He's putting me through such suffering?" And I speak from experience! These are thoughts and questions I've wrestled with over the past several months. But yet I continue to trust God and continue to try and please Him day-by-day. I have to take it day-by-day. That's just how I work. Each day is a struggle, each day is a battle, and taking it day-by-day is the best way I can handle it. Perhaps this is what Jesus had in mind when he said in verse 34, "Don't worry, therefore, about tomorrow, for tomorrow will have enough of its own worries. Take it one day at a time."

I started my therapy sessions yesterday afternoon. My therapist is a great guy who--ironically--has a story a lot like mine (perhaps that's why they teamed him up with me). We spent a great deal of time talking about how my depression works, what it's like, what kind of thoughts I have when it springs upon me. We spent the rest of the time talking about what has been going on in my life since the depression really got hard around October. I told him about my breakup with Julie and how it affected me, and then I told him about how one of my good friends pursued her without really caring how it would affect me. He believes that the whole Julie-ordeal is the tip of an iceberg that has been growing for a while, and that much of my depression stems from things not yet seen. One of the treatments he's having me do is taking twenty minutes a day to bathe in the thoughts and emotions that come with depression. I did this yesterday, and it was not any fun. However, it really hit me hard last night when a whole host of memories swamped me in my dreams. I woke up insanely depressed and on the verge of tears.

It's a tough process, and he said it will get worse before it gets better, but I hope that this treatment helps me deal with what's going on in an effective way. It's going to be one hell of a fight, but I'm willing to go through it if it can get me to a point where I don't hurt so bad every day. He said, "I think a lot of this has to do with Julie. You've let her go, in a sense, in your consciousness, but yet she's still alive and well in your subconscious. You want to let her go, don't you?" "Yes," I said... "and no. So much of me wants to just forget what happened and act like nothing ever took place, but I think there's a part of me that refuses to let go." "Do you know why?" he asked. I said, "No. I haven't the slightest clue." Hopefully treatment will bring these things to the surface so I can finally deal with them face-to-face instead of taking stabs at them in the dark.

I am very thankful for the friends whom I have who are helping me through this difficult time. Two of my best friends on campus--Caleb and Emily--have helped me immensely. They don't have a clue how much they help. Just spending time with them helps the depression go away, and they sit there as I vent and help me sort through issues I am dealing with. They've promised that they're going to be at my side through the long haul. If I didn't have friends like them on this campus, I have no doubt in my mind that I wouldn't be at C.C.U. right now.

One of my friends almost ran me over yesterday. It was pretty scary.

Classes are going well. I enjoy them all. The only bummer part is all the work I have to do. I've been slaving like a madman to get things done. I will do some more homework here in a few minutes, hang out with Jessica for a little bit, maybe chat with Emily some more, and then just screw around the rest of the day until my Gospels group meeting (Andrew, Kyle, Rebecca, and I: a good team), tonight I may go to Family (sorta like chapel), and then Jessica and I are hanging out some more this evening. It should be a good time.

I may have mentioned that I planned on starting a 40-Day "Daniel Fast." Well, today it actually begins. I am eating only fruits, vegetables, and water for 40 days, and praying a lot to seek God's direction and instruction for my life. I desire illumination and guidance. I want to grow closer to Him and feel Him everywhere I go. I've experienced this before; I want it to become a reality in my life.

Life gets more and more confusing. I'm not going to write any details, because people read this blog and I don't want them to think anything weird is going on. So I leave you confused.

"Our cause is never more in danger than when a human no longer desiring, but still intending, to do our Enemy's will, looks round upon a universe from which every trace of Him seems to have vanished, and asks why he has been forsaken, and still obeys." - C.S. Lewis

Yesterday this quote from C.S. Lewis in his novel The Screwtape Letters echoed back and forth in my mind. This pretty much sums up what has been thrown against me. I remember when a passion burned within me to advance God’s kingdom; now that passion has sizzled, yet I am still dedicated to doing as much as I can for God’s kingdom, because I know—despite my feelings of hopelessness, despair, and emotional anguish—that the kingdom deserves my hands and feet. I look about at my life, at all my circumstances and the things I am going through, and I wonder, “God, where are you?” (except, at times, that question is riddled with slight dosages of profanity spilt out in desperation) I feel as if God has abandoned me, as if He’s pulled Himself—along with all the blessings He intended for me to have—away from me, left me all alone in the dark, cold dampness of human existence.

Last night I went for a walk into the quiet, solitary woods beside campus, overcome with a grief so deep and numbing that I cannot describe it. I paced back and forth, my mind a whirlpool of thoughts and emotions, and as tears welled up within me, I hollered, “God, if You care about me so much, why in the world won’t you help me?!” Except it came off more as a rough, course whisper because of the tears welling up behind my eyes. Then I broke down, just weeping, and I pleaded with God, “Please make me happy! I know you want me to be happy! Please take this curse of suffering away from me! I just want to be happy!” My tears dried up, and I gathered myself, took a few deep breaths, reoriented myself.

I wish I could now tell you about how God miraculously answered my prayer, but I can’t. While the suffering wasn’t so intense throughout the rest of the day, I found myself able to function. I pray and pray and pray, day-and-night, praying for the gift of joy. I ground myself in obedience to His commands and await the truth that will set me free. My struggling is not over; rather, it will be with me for my entire life. But there is a little hope: God knows what He has doing. It is at those times when we feel abandoned that God is often getting us and our world prepared for something even greater. I am reminded when David was called by God to be king over Israel. No doubt he was extremely excited. But then some of the worst years of his life struck, and he cried out to God, “Where are You?!” At this time, God was preparing not only him but also the nation of Israel for his arrival. God knew what He was doing, even though David could not see it. God’s promise to David came to fruition, and he received the great honor of being the most honorable, noble king the kingdom ever had, and the double-honor of him being the ancestor of the Messiah. I believe God has told me what He wants to do with my life. When I go through this suffering, it is difficult for me to understand. Yet I trust Him. I trust that He knows what He is doing. Sometimes it’s hard as hell, but I know—deep in the pits of my soul—that He loves me, cares for me, and wants me to be happy. And I know that it breaks His heart to see me suffer like this. I hear Him saying, “My child, my child, persevere, please persevere. I’m at work. You can’t see me, but I’m at work. One day you will be where I told you where you would be… And you will see for certain how I never abandoned you.”

It has been a difficult few days. My depression has been making a comeback, but I am thankful for family and friends who have been there at my side to help me fight through it. When it strikes, it seems—at times—impossible to fight. It just consumes you to the point of tears. You find yourself looking around and wondering why you are the way you are, wondering why God didn’t make you someone else, trying to find an ounce of security and understanding but finding none. It is in those dark hours that trusting God is the hardest, because it seems—in the mind—that He has totally abandoned you.

I want change so badly. Kyle and I went to Vineyard Westside this morning, and on the way back a song played over the radio: “Thank You” by Paul Wright. He sings, “Father in heaven, forgive me for sinning. My spirit is strong but my flesh is weak, and all that I desire is a brand new beginning where I will rise, I will fly, I’ll win.” His words resonated within me. I wish I could begin this year anew. I wish I could stop myself from making the same mistakes, wish that I could do things I regret not doing, wish I could just be a better person. But the beauty in the redemption is that God always opens the door and calls out to us, “Come, and start afresh.” We still have to live with the consequences of our mistakes, but God opens up new doors and begins painting a masterpiece—often better than His original masterpieces that we somehow tainted. He is a gracious, loving, good God. Sometimes, in my depression, it is difficult for me to align my heart with my head. It is difficult for me to align my logic of the goodness/grace/mercy/love of God with what I secretly believe to be true in my heart. I confess that I have struggled more than once with viewing God as sadistic, finding pleasure in making us hurt, torturing us day-and-night by giving us our dreams and then taking them away.

Amanda came down yesterday to keep me company. We hung out with Caleb, Monica, Trista, Kyle, Sarah, and Emily. Brian even stopped by on his way through from the hospital, visiting one of his youth group kids. It was good to see her again, since I hadn’t seen her for a week and did not go home this weekend. I have lots of homework to do, so I must get off here.

Peace be with you. Be warm and well-fed.

Yesterday proved to be rather rough. I'm not really sure why: I am taking my meds like clockwork and my circumstances (while not really as pristine as one might wish) do not offer the same difficulties of last semester. "Is this depression because your ex-girlfriend is kind of in a relationship with one of your best friends?" I don't think so; while it did bother me last semester, I don't really care this semester. "Does it involve your recent breakup with Jessica?" I don't think so; we both knew it wasn't working out and followed our convictions. Nevertheless, the depression has slowly been creeping back to life. Over Christmas Break, much of it remained dormant, though--at times, to be honest--it showed its ugly face. I am continuing to take my medicine, I am starting counseling next week, and I am earnestly praying for guidance from God.

I have started a 40-day "Daniel Fast": fruits, vegetables, and water, named-so after Daniel and his friends' meal plan while they served King Nebuchadnezzar's court in ancient Babylon (see Dan 1). The fasting is definitely difficult, and the heart of the fast is not so much in the abstaining from food but in the deep prayer and meditation, the seeking of God's direction and guidance for my life in my current place in time-and-space. To be totally honest, I'm not really sure what God has in store for me. That scares me. I am a fan of change, and I don't like the idea of remaining in the rut of my existence in which I now live. Much of the fast, also, involves a granting of a repentant heart from God. Another aspect is a pleading for deliverance; not deliverance from "singleness" or any certain thing, but deliverance in the sense of deliverance from this sorrow. Forgive me, but I want to taste joy and peace in the arms of God. I know that joy and tranquility flow from chemicals in our brains, but I believe that there is a transcendent peace that we can taste as our intimacy with God deepens, a joy and peace that "transcends all human understanding" as the scriptures so eloquently put.

This weekend is "Winter Weekend." The campus is flooded with high school students who stay in our rooms. Caleb and I will be hosting two guys from some youth group, and it's a bittersweet thing. It'll be good to share our room and meet some new guys, but at the same time, I'm not a big fan of the risk of things being stolen. In the past, DVDs, laptop computers, CDs and such have been stolen. Caleb said, "If I notice any of my DVDs are missing, I'm going all Boondock Saints."

Yesterday was a crazy day. Stressful to say the least, however I was able to "unwind" through laughter with my friend Emily. We made some prank phone calls and talked about life, and we just had a good time escaping--if but for a second--some of the stress of the new semester. I don't really have much to write about. Tomorrow I have class at 8:00, homework from 8:30 to 11:00, then class from 11:00 to noon. I'll eat lunch sometime in there, work 4-7:30 with Nate, do some more homework for my Gospels class on Friday, purchase some books from the bookstore (in two classes alone, my books cost up into $100!), and I have no idea what I'll do come evening-time.

Here are some of my quotes from my time with Emily that are pretty funny:

"I hope God blesses the sweet woman. Maybe give her a baby if she's sterile or something."

"I have an extreme case of bipolar-disorder. The survival rate of people like me is pretty low." (kinda morbid, but funny) Then, "We're usually gone by age 30."

"You think kidney stones hurt??? Try having to endure an hypospadias operation. That's my earliest childhood memory: me lying on the table screaming in agony."

Also, I have uploaded my prophecy notes onto the internet. I have faith that they're a great resource for anyone wanting to know about the ins-and-outs of Old Testament prophecy as well as biographies of the prophets themselves and outlines of their messages (I am quite fond of my section on Jeremiah and Isaiah). Daniel is cool, too. I will one day update it with a section on the debate, "Were the Hebrew prophets ecstatics like the Canaanite prophets?", but that will have to come later because I am literally swamped in homework. Here are the links (it was too big to compress into one file size):

"Part One: The Art of Hebrew Prophesying"
"Part Two-A: The 9th-Century to 7th-Century Prophets"
"Part Two-B: The Exilic & Post-Exilic Prophets

reflections

Life is full of suffering. It is, I believe, a result of the curse mankind received for turning from God’s story and trying to write their own. We are selfish, greedy, indifferent creatures, and because of this, we live in a broken world full of tears and grief. When we wet our bed with tears every night, it is a human tendency to search for a reason. “Why is this happening to me?!” we cry out. We struggle and pray and try to find reasons for what has happened. We grasp at straws and pull excuses out of the air. This is the great quest of Job: “Why has tragedy stricken me? Why have I—an imperfect yet devoted follower of God—been dealt such a cruel, ghastly hand in life?” When Julie broke up with me, I took it extremely hard. I cried and prayed and tried to find an answer. My medical conditions (bipolar disorder) didn’t help much. I spent two months in despair, often suicidal. I fell on my knees and wept, “Please, please, please tell me why this has happened!” No answer. I tried to figure out the reason on my own, much like Job. Job did not find an answer; rather, he received a non-answer: “It’s not for you to know.” We know why he suffered, a cosmic “test” between God and Satan, but he never knew the answer (until, obviously , he entered the gates of heaven). I do not know the reasons why I suffered so much, yet I have clung to the promise of God: “I will make things work out for the good of My children.” And I have begun to see the outworking of God in my life come to tangible reality through the suffering I endured.

First, God showed me what is really important in girls when dating. Julie is a fantastic, wonderful, sweet girl, but I dated her for the grandest false reason that exists: her outward beauty. She is a very pretty girl, inside-and-out. Sadly, I paid more attention to what was on the outside than I did to what was on the inside (though I know her inside beauty is much more extravagant than her outside beauty). This is a big no-no. From the get-go, the relationship was doomed. I was the typical guy (please forgive me). When we were together, I changed. From the first day we became official “boyfriend-girlfriend,” who I was on the inside changed in the sense that I changed myself when I was around her. Others noticed this and told me it was going on, but I refused to believe them. I could not be open, honest, and comfortable around her. And, for this reason, the relationship was doomed. While I was drawn to my current beauty originally for her outer beauty, it was when I got to see her inner beauty that I truly fell for her. Just being in her presence is breathtaking. The connection that exists between us is borderline surreal. We are open with one another, we can be honest with one another, and I can be my weird, quirky, odd self around her. My self-consciousness goes to hell. It is amazing. Had I not dated Julie, I would not have realized what is truly important in relationships. God used her as an instrument to hand me this realization (it was a hard lesson, but God knew it was the only way to make me learn this). And for anyone suspecting that all my exaltations of Julie are trademarks of me still liking her, rest assured: I like Jessica more than I ever liked Julie. This is not a fault in Julie. Some people just don’t click. Julie and I did not click. But Jessica and I, we click. There’s a connection. And that’s what’s important. Looks only last so long. As my old youth minister told us in a guys’ group once, “Eventually, one of you guys [the guy or girl in a relationship] will become ugly, and chances are, it’ll be you guys. So there’s got to be something else or you’re going to be screwed.” To all of you reading this, please do not make the same mistakes I did. Cling to the words of the Apostle Peter:

“What matters is not your outer appearance—the styling of your hair, the jewelry you wear, the cut of your clothes—but your inner disposition. Cultivate inner beauty; the gentle, gracious kind that God delights in.” (1 Pet 3.3-4 [the message])

Second, God prepared me for the road He has set before me. One of the reasons I believe that God brought this suffering upon me is to ready me for whatever He has for me. I prayed over whether or not God wanted me with Julie, and I believe He said, “Go for it.” And two weeks into it (not even that, I believe), the relationship I was ended. While I was devastated, I believe that God—in His mercy—did not allow my heart to become too attached, but attached just enough so that I would suffer. “That is so cruel!” some cry out. However, I disagree. I believe that God uses suffering—and sometimes enacts it—to transform us into the persons whom He wants us to be. Through this suffering, God showed me several areas of my life that needed to be changed before He would bring “the one” into my life. By the grace of God, I swallowed my pride, humbled myself, and embraced the changes. Am I perfect? Pardon my French, but HELL no. However, I am pursuing holiness in my actions and seeking God’s will above my own. Through the suffering, God began a marvelous work that I had been delaying: the work of Him coming into my life and beginning to change me. Before all of this, I said, “My will be done,” but through the suffering, I have come to the point where I can earnestly pray, “God, thy will be done.”

Third, God taught me a valuable lesson: “Trust Me!” It is a difficult and often scary thing to pray, “God, may your will be done.” It is frightening because sometimes our will is not God’s will. I believe this is because our wills are often self-centered. When we pray for God’s will be done, I believe God takes our self-centered desires and makes them kingdom-centered. Suddenly we find ourselves living for so much more, the higher goal of becoming more Christ-like and making the world a better, more beautiful place. When I first started dating Julie, I did not have much stock in trusting God. It was more lip-service than anything. Thankfully (and I say that with half a groan), God had it in Him to teach me to trust Him in all spheres of my life, including my “hopeless romanticism.” I will always remember the words that I believe God spoke to me in March 2006 when I was neck-deep in prayer, asking God, “Is there any hope for me? Will I always be a hopeless romantic?” I believe He told me, in a way I cannot totally describe:

“I have given you these desires [to be a good husband and good father], and I have given you these desires for a reason. There is a girl, one of My children, who is hurting and aching. She desires true love and fears she will never find it in this world of twisted, abusive love. I have chosen you to be Me to her—to love her with a selfless, serving, and sacrificial love. I have a beautiful plan for you and for her. She will bring comfort and completion to your heart, and you will deliver comfort and completion to hers.”

I made the great mistake of trying to bring this to fruition for myself. I said, “Okay, I know what God wants… Now it’s time for me to take the wheel and make it come to pass.” Big mistake. Through all of this, God taught me, “Trust Me with this.” This was certainly hard after Julie broke up with me. How could I trust Someone who seemed to be torturing me? I began to doubt God’s goodness extended towards His creatures. I felt like an ant, and God was the sadistic kid with a magnifying glass trying to burn me up; my goal in life, then, was to avoid getting struck with lightning as much as possible. During my suffering, I had a dream: I was lying on my face before God, crying out for help, but He just stuck His fingers in His ears, turned his head, and whistled, totally ignoring me. But somehow, through all of this, in a mysterious way, I have come to the point where I can cry out, “God, your will be done…” and mean it! I believe that God’s will shall be done. He has transformed me and changed me. I have been rekindled for the girl whom He has me for. When He spoke to me in March 2006, He knew what would happen with Julie. He was not speaking of her. And if He was speaking of her (which I am pretty sure He was not!), then we’ll end up together. If He was speaking of Jessica, then Jessica and I will be together. If He was speaking of someone else, that’s how it will end up. Nothing is impossible with God. I find myself comforted: “God knows what He is doing.” What I spoke of through lip-service has become something I believe in my heart.

So, with all that said, is my suffering over? No. For suffering will never leave us. But may we allow God to change us when suffering strikes. May we find our comfort and peace in Him and in Him alone. So what do I do now? Where do I go from here? I live my life. I seek to honor and please God day-by-day. I deepen my relationship with God, and I let life take me where it takes me… knowing that, though often hidden behind the scenes, God is at work.

It has been a wonderful two days back thus far. Sunday night I got to hang out with Caleb for a while, catch up, share a few laughs. I went out with Jessica for a while, returned to visit Lizzie and Monica in student life for an hour and a half, breaking ourselves apart with laughter as we showered stories back and forth. Caleb and I stayed up for two hours before falling asleep. We had a mandatory Hilltop coffee shop meeting this afternoon; Caleb (since he is a supervisor) had to go in at nine and stay till about two, but since I am just a lowly barista, I got the privilege of sleeping in till noon, getting to the shop at 12:30, and getting out around 1:15. We got some new equipment, which is pretty nice: a new espresso-maker that's amazing and a new express-lane cash register. Monk said, "We're going to be adding tomatoes to every sandwich just because of the one customer who always yells at us because she doesn't like tomatoes." Monk cracks me up. Honestly, some of his jokes are a little... beyond the par... for official coffee shop business, but he acts professional when he is on the clock. Another funny instance: Amos was put in charge of labeling all the drawers, and for one where there's a collection of miscellaneous items, he wrote: "Random Sh*t." Monk thought it was hilarious.

Well, school begins tomorrow. I have two classes and I work for three hours. So I must go. Good-night, everyone! I hope everything is going well in yours guys' corners of the world.

My schedule for today:

1. Shower and get ready for the day
2. Watch "Kingdom of Heaven"
3. Hang out with Pat and Ashlie
4. Apex?
5. Finish my prophecy notes (the minor prophet Malachi)
   
6. And find time to pack all my things together, because I return to school tomorrow!
   

My schedule for tomorrow:

1. Awake from my slumber
2. Load up the van and head to C.C.U.
3. Reorganize my room and catch up with my buds
4. Hang out with Jessica
   

I finished my sections on Haggai and Zechariah last night. Now I only have to finish Malachi, and then my Old Testament prophecy notes shall be completed! Jessica reminded me of a beautiful quote by C.S. Lewis:

Be not deceived, Wormwood [the apprentice demon], our cause [evil's cause] is never more in jeopardy than when a human, no longer desiring but still intending to do our Enemy's will [the will of God], looks round upon a universe in which every trace of Him seems to have vanished, and asks why he has been forsaken, and still obeys. - C.S. Lewis, "The Screwtape Letters

I spent yesterday with Jessica. We watched "The Notebook," made brownies, went to the Mall, and played Halo for two hours. I got to know her mom a little better, too. She was supposed to come down tomorrow, but that didn't work out. It's completely cool, though: I'm going to get to see her every day, bright and early, starting next semester! We have a class together that starts at 8:00, so I will get to see Jessica in her "morning magic."

I've been working on my prophecy notes a lot lately. Today I finished the prophet Daniel, hitting out at around 100 pages. I'm going to post my notes using Google Documents so anyone can read them. With that said, I already have my O.T. Poetry notes up and running here. My next prophet to study is Ezekiel, then Haggai, Zechariah, and Malachi (or, as Prof. Dan Dyke says, "The Italian prophet Mal-ah-chi." I'm hoping to get it done and printed off and in my binder by Saturday night, because I move back onto campus on Sunday afternoon.

I'm sorry for not having any good posts over the last few days. I've been pretty busy and, when I'm not busy, bored. So here are a few posts to look forward to:

1. "How do we receive God's salvation?" A four-part series (of which my long-awaited repentance post is a part of).
2. "What is God-pleasing [true] religion?" An examination of Old Testament prophetic passages.
3. "Discipleship and Spiritual Transformation." How does discipleship interplay with spiritual transformation?
   

I hope everyone is having a fantastic day. Now I need to hit up the book of Ezekiel...

debilitating fantasies

We have all been familiar with countless fairy tales as we grew up as a kid. Disney took many of these fairy tales and made them into movies (“Beauty & the Beast,” “Cinderella,” etc.). As we grow up, we realize that these are just fairy-tales, and we wonder how anyone can really believe them to be true. But I believe fairy-tales never leave us. I believe they morph into something different, something more realistic. What is it that draws us to fairy-tales? I believe it is hope. All fairy-tales have an essence of hope that ignites something deep down inside us. When one fairy-tale will not work, we cleverly invent another fairy-tale that seems more probable and more possible. We begin to believe this fairy-tale and fail to differentiate between fact and fantasy.

In my own life—and in the life of many others whom I know—a vague fairy-tale exists. The fairy-tale goes something like this: “There was a lonely man who longed for the one whom he was meant to be with. One day she walked into his life, sparks flew, love ignited, they got married, and they lived happily ever after.” Many of us go through life waiting for this “one true love.” For some, it may happen. But for the majority of people, this idealized fantasy never actually manifests itself in one’s life. While this fantasy brings hope, it also brings with it disillusionment. “My princess has not come! Where can she be?” It also brings a stubborn refusal to open oneself up to possibilities with potential partners: “This person doesn’t match by ‘dream guy’ or ‘dream girl,’ so they can’t possibly be marriage potential for me.” And so we go through life, hoping and praying for that day to come when that “special someone” enters our lives. And as the days go by, we become more and more disillusioned, until finally we succumb to either rationalization or desperation. We get married, have kids, and when difficulties come and when some of the feelings fade, when there are some things about our spouse we’d like to change, we have the idea that we somehow messed up or missed out on the one we were meant to be with. And so comes a whole host of emotions: resignation, futility, stoicism. We become numb to love because it never matched our fantasy’s description of what it means to love.

One of my friends told me, “One day you’ll meet that girl for you, and she’ll be so amazing that you won’t want to change anything about her! Wait for her!” I don’t believe we should rush anything, nor do I believe that there is anything wrong in knowing what you want. But when we set up a checklist that our potential spouse needs to fulfill, and refuse to make a move until that checklist is totally filled with someone’s attributes, then we will ultimately fail.

So my point is this: “Don’t get so caught up in the fantasy-realm that you are blinded to the great opportunities of deep relationships that lie before you. Don’t just settle for anybody, for attraction needs to be involved, but don’t exclude everyone from your future just because they’re not your ‘ideal type.’ Live, laugh, have fun, and be open to possibilities on the dating scene.” It’s not all about finding a girl or guy to hook up with and get married to really fast. Find someone whom you enjoy being around, whom you feel relaxed around, whom you can be yourself around, whom you get along with. And let that relationship work itself out. Don’t force anything, but don’t miss opportunities when they present themselves.

Break is almost over. It is a sweet end. I have enjoyed it for the most part, though at times the days became excruciatingly long and boring. I used my time to expand my notes on old testament prophecy (I am not yet completed; I'm estimating around 100 pages when it's all said-and-done). I've also spent a lot of the break introspectively: looking into myself, digging beneath the skin, uncovering old and scaly demons and forming strategies to defeat them. I've also entered into a new relationship with a wonderful girl--Jessica--and everything is going well. We will get to see each other so much more once school starts up; it'll be great!

I move back to college either Saturday night or Sunday morning. I have a mandatory Hilltop Coffee Shop meeting at 12:30 on Sunday, so I need to be there. I'll probably end up just going Saturday night, because my parents are going to church Sunday morning. I already have my schedule for the first week back. I work Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday, but I have Monday and Friday off. Overall, I'm really happy about it. I'm excited about my upcoming classes:

1. The Gospels (The Synoptics & John)
2. Paul & His New Testament Letters
3. The Life of David
4. Modern Ethical Problems
5. Basic Bible Doctrines II
   

Much of the introspective processes in which I've engaged have revealed to me two critical faults in my character. The first fault is that I have become semi-apathetic regarding God and His kingdom. The second fault is that I have failed to truly repent as He has called me to do. I have thrown together a daily regimen of discipline in which I will enter in order to deepen my roots in the substance of God and to allow the Holy Spirit to transform me as I bathe in God's presence and keep company with Him. This daily discipline includes prayer, scripture-reading, meditation, and fasting. This is not an original discipline for me: back in May 2005, I practiced this daily discipline for a month and grew so close to God that I could feel His presence, and an unspeakable peace and joy covered me. I crave for this communion so badly! Right now my scripture reading is 1 Peter. It's an excellent letter. I read a chapter a day, pausing through my readings to meditate and pray and seek for God's voice.

I am also doing a new daily regimen of discipline regarding my physique. Let's just say these holidays have been... harder... on me than most! I want to be skinnier and more tone, and Jessica is going to keep me accountable. This regimen includes a diet of vegetables, fruits, lean meats, and water. The exercise (for me) involves weight-lifting and cardiovascular (she's only doing cardiovascular). We plan on going to Gold's Gym hopefully three times a week to keep things in gear. I am going to try and go every day if possible; Caleb wants to go with me, too.

I have a tendency to philosophize everything. I am, at my roots, a deep-thinker. So, when I am left alone, my thoughts tend to become dangerously philosophical. I try to keep this from happening, but it is inevitable. My thoughts also have a tendency to become dangerously wild, and all sorts of worries and anxieties flood my system. "What am I going to do after college?" "How will I provide for my family?" "Am I really doing what God wants me to do?" "What if I make a mistake in career choice or something of that nature, and I miss what God has in store for me, or I hurt other people in the process?" These worries consume me. Mom reminded me of a beautiful scripture Sunday night:

"If God gives such attention to the appearance of wildflowers--most of which are never even seen--don't you think he'll attend to you, take pride in you, do his best for you? What I'm trying to do here is to get you to relax, to not be so preoccupied with getting, so you can respond to God's giving. People who don't know God and the way he works fuss over these things, but you know both God and how he works. Steep your life in God-reality, God-initiative, God-provisions. Don't worry about missing out. You'll find all your everyday human concerns will be met. Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don't get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes." - Christ, Matt 6.31-34 (the message)

warning: graphic images in this post

It is my own personal view that abortion is murder. “Why is murder such a big deal?” I believe murder is such a big deal because God views us as valuable (we are made in His image), and when we commit murder, we take something God considers valuable and destroy it. Also, I believe murder is a sin because life is in the hands of God, not in our own hands. Finally, I believe murder is wicked because God calls humanity to love one another. How is love for our fellow humans seen in taking another person’s life? (Of course, there are issues here to be dealt with regarding capital punishment, but this is not the time or place for such a discourse).

“But is killing ‘the product of conception’ (the unborn) really murder?” In both the Hebrew and Greek languages, there is no separate word for “child” and “unborn child.” In the passage the author elaborated on above (Ex 21.22-23), the Hebrew word does not differentiate between unborn child and born child; it simply states that the child is still in the womb. In this passage, God gives the death penalty even for the accidental harming of an unborn child. Would He think that it was a lesser crime to purposefully kill an unborn child? I doubt so.

I believe that God values all human life, and He wants all people to come to repentance and to inherit eternal life. The scriptures tell us that human life—from conception to death—is sacred, and it is God who determines the lengths of our lives. If we take matters into our own hands by taking someone else’s life (whether it is early in their life [such as with abortion] or later in their life), it is murder.

On a final note, the scriptures clearly teach that God has a special place in His heart for children. Jesus tells us that each child has a guardian angel, and these angels can see the face of God (not all angels can see God’s face, but the angels of children can!). Jesus said that it would be better for a man to drown in the bottom of the Mediterranean Sea than to harm a little child. Throughout the Old Testament, we see over-and-over God’s great anger at the injustices against children: emotional abuse, physical abuse, sexual abuse.

Do mothers have a choice as to whether or not they can abort their children? Yes. That is the great price of free will. Yet with this free will comes great responsibility. God desires us to use our free will to make choices that honor and please Him. Are we honoring God when we viciously take the life of a young child? I believe it is an embarrassment to the gospel when Christians say, “It’s perfectly fine.” It goes against everything the scriptures teach, and this decision is rooted in selfishness (“A baby is not what I want, therefore I will exterminate it. A baby is detrimental to my prosperity and success, therefore I will kill it.” I can’t imagine how God would be pleased with this!).

"How can we condemn the ancient Near Eastern practice of the sacrifice of children to pagan gods--which God absolutely detested--while condoning abortion here in America simply because it is institutionalized [just because child sacrifice was 'institutionalized' back then doesn't mean God liked His people practicing it] or because it suits our own selfish purposes?"

I honestly cannot imagine how anyone can see the horrors of abortion and cross their arms, smug in their theology that "God doesn't care." I simply cannot see how a God who would crucify His own beloved son on the cross so that we can experience life with Him now and forever could simply have no emotions towards something so cruel and heartless as abortion.

All kinds of models for church pasturing swamp the market, but it never hurts to try and think of new ones or refine old ones. However, the goal of church pasturing must always be kept at the forefront of all contemplation. “What is the goal of church pasturing?” As I see it, it is simple: “To present the gospel to others, and to help those who have come to faith and repentance in Christ to mature so that they can help carry the gospel message to others, as well.” This must always be kept in mind. My dad and I went out to eat at China Cottage a few days ago, and he presented to me something he’s been thinking about lately. It is a “different” style of pastoring that, so far as I know, isn’t done too much around Springboro, Ohio. Here’s the chart he drew me, and I will do my best at explaining it (Dad, if you read this, feel free to leave a comment, because I’m sure I’ll get something wrong!):

In this model of church pastoring, there are three different pastors: the senior pastor, the house church pastor, and the outreach pastor. Each of these pastors has different responsibilities within the local body of the church.

The senior pastor’s responsibility is to present the gospel in dynamic, effective ways to non-believers and new believers (as well as mature believers, though they are not listed on the chart). This is done specifically through preaching, story-telling, dramas, etc. done during the Sunday morning gatherings. It is his job to fill the typical, stereotypical pastoral role of preaching on Sunday mornings. He encourages people to turn to Christ, and he encourages new believers (as well as non-believers) to plug into house churches.

The house church pastor does not have a job of preaching on Sunday mornings. Rather, he is in charge of making sure the house churches are alive and breathing. He organizes the house church leaderships, encourages people to become a part of a house church family, and he helps organize certain activities and such within and between the house churches to help non-believers come to Christ and to help new believers to mature in their faith. The leaders of the house churches will make genuine friendships with those in the house churches, and when they see a great depth of integrity, character, and discipleship (the hallmarks of maturity in Christ), they will encourage the people to spread the gospel to those around them. He will contact the house church pastor, who will hopefully meet with the person and give them opportunities and advice to let them know where they can best serve within and outside the church.

When a certain mature person makes the decision to serve, he or she then meets with the outreach pastor. The outreach pastor does not have any professional ties with the senior pastor. He operates outside his reign of control. It is the outreach pastor’s job to organize evangelism events, help people get out into the community, and make ties within the community. He will help mature Christians find ways to serve and reach out to the community outside the walls of the church building. The goal of such outreach is not to get more people into the Sunday service but to introduce people to Christ. If they want to go to another church, that’s great! The joy is found in leading the people to the source of life (Christ); the source of true life is not the church, but the one whom the church worships. The outreach pastor will also help mature believers find ways to serve within the church, whether it is through leading house churches, working behind-the-scenes on Sunday mornings/evenings or Wednesday nights (whatever the church’s “operating schedule” might be), or perhaps he will encourage mature Christians to help with the youth or children. In this case, a children’s pastor or a youth pastor is not really necessary. The mature Christians within the body of the church provide the function of those roles.

I hope that made sense. I think my dad might be onto something. If you have comments, questions, or concerns, please let me know!

some thoughts on heaven...

When we think of heaven, what images pop into our minds? As I grew up in a Baptist church, my images of heaven were those seen in children’s picture-Bibles: little angels with halos playing harps and sitting on clouds, or images of us all at one big concert singing “Awesome God” before God’s throne. To be honest, while these images excite many, they form within be a great fear of heaven. I’ve never been too partial to singing in worship, and the idea of singing to God forever… Well, it haunts me. I don’t really like that, to be totally honest. This fear within me consumed me. Some pray that Jesus will come each day; I used to pray that he wouldn’t come until I had enjoyed my life on earth as much as possible. This numbing fear and apprehension drew me to really examine what heaven will be like, and while my ideas may be heretical to some, I understand that what we know of heaven comes from sparse biblical passages, and we are left to conjure up in our imagination what we think heaven will be like. Granted, I’m most likely wrong. I am certainly no biblical scholar. But, at this point in time, this is what I believe heaven will be like.

The first question that needs to be asked is, “What is heaven?” Strictly speaking, heaven is the final destination of those who have been God’s followers under both the Old and New covenants. To be more specific, heaven can be called “restoration” or “regeneration” of the heavens and earths. But what does this mean? What is being restored, regenerated, remade, rewritten? I believe that what we see in the Garden of Eden symbolizes God’s desire for humanity: for humanity to be connected with God, connected with one another, and connected with creation; God desires humanity to expand and grow and fill the earth, creating a community whom loves, serves, and worships Him. However, sometime before or after the creation of man, there was a war in heaven. One of God’s angels, Lucifer, rebelled, and (perhaps in anger at his being crushed by God and His angel-armies), he struck at the heart of God by “stealing” God’s most precious creation: mankind. The great story of the gospel is about God bringing back what Lucifer “stole.” Heaven, then, is what happens Lucifer is destroyed and God takes things back to where they were before Lucifer screwed things up by drawing humanity into sin. God recreates the Garden of Eden, but in a more beautiful and majestic way than before. So I believe that heaven is the future home of God’s people in the newly-made “Garden of Eden,” and it will take place throughout the entire universe.

“So what will we do in heaven?” We will worship God. The scriptures teach this. But how will we worship God? I believe we will worship God by living as we are meant to live. I believe we will worship Him by honoring Him with our lives. I do not believe heaven will be a never-ending worship conference at the feet of God. I believe that God will open up the universe and say, “Go forth, multiply, fill the earth, and live as you are meant to live!” Perhaps we will worship God by being good parents. Perhaps we will worship God by being good caretakers of the universe. Perhaps we will worship God through art, literature, and through simply enjoying ourselves: swimming in the oceans, canoeing down the Amazon, running between the canyons, having bonfires and playing guitar and smoking herbal cigarettes. Who knows? But I believe that we will live lives of happiness, joy, and peace: there will be no more suffering (physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual), for all suffering stems from sin, and sin has been removed. We will live in an absolute paradise.

“So what will heaven be like? Physically?” I believe that the greatest glimpse of heaven’s physical appearance is to look outside our windows at the trees, or to look at the stars on a clear night. God created the physical world in the original creation, and I believe the physical world will be recreated with its vast panorama of beauty: dolphins, lions, zebras, dogs and cats, butterflies and bumblebees, rivers and streams, mountains and valleys, clouds and waterfalls. Perhaps we will swim with the dolphins, cuddle with lion cubs, and share food with gorillas. Who knows? Perhaps one day we will find ourselves gazing down at a gorgeous lake, mountains covered with snow in the distance, drawing in the deep and unpolluted air, thinking, "I never thought it would be this amazing!" Again... Who knows?

These are my basic views on heaven, but here is another view (probably the most heretical) that I have been contemplating. Remember, I am probably wrong, but this is what I’m contemplating right now.

“Will there be sex in heaven?” I believe the answer is yes. How do I explain myself out of Matt 19? I don’t. I believe Jesus is not a liar. I don’t think there will be divorce or remarriage in heaven. “But sex is sin outside of marriage, right?” Yes. But remember, what is heaven? Heaven is restoration and regeneration. Heaven is the “Garden of Eden” on a grander, more majestic scale. I believe our most accurate picture of heaven is found in Genesis 1-3. And in those passages, we see God telling the people, “Go forth, multiply, and fill the earth.” No mention of marriage; in fact, marriage didn’t come as a legal institution until after humanity caved into sin by Lucifer’s temptations. “But Adam and Eve were married!” Yes, but only after the fall into sin. Before that, they were united in a holy union. I believe holy unions will take place in heaven. It is a spiritual desire to be with another person sexually, and this desire is from God. Sex is one of the greatest gifts from God. I believe that when we get to heaven, when the regeneration takes place, we will meet our soul mates, and we will live together forever. This is great news to those who have been hurt, abused, and broken by ones they love, or those who have never experienced romance that they so strongly desire. “But what about people who have been married two times?” I believe that God has a special person for us in heaven. Perhaps that will be the person we’re married to now, or will be married to, or were married to. Or perhaps it is someone entirely different. Whoever it may be, I believe we will be overjoyed with the union. “What would be the purpose of this union, and the purpose of sex?” I believe the purpose of union is enjoyment and procreation. I believe the purpose of sex is likewise. We will find enjoyment in our significant other, and we will have children who will be raised in the new heavens and new earth, and they will never taste heartache and heartbreak and all the sorrows of this world. God told Adam and Eve, “Fill the earth,” and I believe that when the restoration takes place, when we have found the ones God wants us to be with, His words will be likewise: “Fill the earth. And have fun doing it."

The last few days have been pretty good. I'm sorry for not updating: life has been hectic.

On Sunday night I went to two New Year's Eve parties. I visited Matt, Jeph, and Amanda at the Garage, and I watched the ball drop over at Shelby's house. It was good to hang out with Chris, Pat Hague, and Ashlie again: good times. Even more enjoyable was beating them all in ping-pong after they were convinced I sucked. I returned home to see my aunt and uncle and parents. Anna spent the night, and I hung out with Chris till about three in the morning. He left to go sleep at his own place since he didn't have anywhere comfortable to sleep at my house.

I didn't do the "Polar Bear Dip" Monday morning, simply because I was so exhausted and wanted to sleep in. I knew I'd be exhausted Sunday night, so I told my dad not to even wake me up. I eventually rolled out around noon. I spent the day watching several movies and talking to Jessica on the phone. She had a rough day at work and vented about it, which is totally okay with me.

Jessica came over yesterday. I had a special "surprise" waiting for her (surprise being in quotation marks because she already knew about it). We dressed up and slow danced to several songs (she loves slow-dancing), and when her favorite song came on--the theme song to "Beauty and the Beast"--I asked her to be my girlfriend. She said yes (hooray!). We then went to Cox Arboretum and then had rice, steamed vegetables, and chicken enchiladas for dinner. Eventually she had to leave to return home, which is sad because I won't get to see her for a week and a half (unless I am able to carve out some time and drive there to see her).

Being bored, I've decided to do a study on Prayer, continue enhancing my O.T. Prophecy notes, and I've started writing a book. I don't think the book will be anything spectacular. My hope is to simply use it to refine my skills for a short story collection I want to put together this spring. I already have one of the short stories finished ("The Shadow of the Wolf") which you can read in segments here.