debilitating fantasies

We have all been familiar with countless fairy tales as we grew up as a kid. Disney took many of these fairy tales and made them into movies (“Beauty & the Beast,” “Cinderella,” etc.). As we grow up, we realize that these are just fairy-tales, and we wonder how anyone can really believe them to be true. But I believe fairy-tales never leave us. I believe they morph into something different, something more realistic. What is it that draws us to fairy-tales? I believe it is hope. All fairy-tales have an essence of hope that ignites something deep down inside us. When one fairy-tale will not work, we cleverly invent another fairy-tale that seems more probable and more possible. We begin to believe this fairy-tale and fail to differentiate between fact and fantasy.

In my own life—and in the life of many others whom I know—a vague fairy-tale exists. The fairy-tale goes something like this: “There was a lonely man who longed for the one whom he was meant to be with. One day she walked into his life, sparks flew, love ignited, they got married, and they lived happily ever after.” Many of us go through life waiting for this “one true love.” For some, it may happen. But for the majority of people, this idealized fantasy never actually manifests itself in one’s life. While this fantasy brings hope, it also brings with it disillusionment. “My princess has not come! Where can she be?” It also brings a stubborn refusal to open oneself up to possibilities with potential partners: “This person doesn’t match by ‘dream guy’ or ‘dream girl,’ so they can’t possibly be marriage potential for me.” And so we go through life, hoping and praying for that day to come when that “special someone” enters our lives. And as the days go by, we become more and more disillusioned, until finally we succumb to either rationalization or desperation. We get married, have kids, and when difficulties come and when some of the feelings fade, when there are some things about our spouse we’d like to change, we have the idea that we somehow messed up or missed out on the one we were meant to be with. And so comes a whole host of emotions: resignation, futility, stoicism. We become numb to love because it never matched our fantasy’s description of what it means to love.

One of my friends told me, “One day you’ll meet that girl for you, and she’ll be so amazing that you won’t want to change anything about her! Wait for her!” I don’t believe we should rush anything, nor do I believe that there is anything wrong in knowing what you want. But when we set up a checklist that our potential spouse needs to fulfill, and refuse to make a move until that checklist is totally filled with someone’s attributes, then we will ultimately fail.

So my point is this: “Don’t get so caught up in the fantasy-realm that you are blinded to the great opportunities of deep relationships that lie before you. Don’t just settle for anybody, for attraction needs to be involved, but don’t exclude everyone from your future just because they’re not your ‘ideal type.’ Live, laugh, have fun, and be open to possibilities on the dating scene.” It’s not all about finding a girl or guy to hook up with and get married to really fast. Find someone whom you enjoy being around, whom you feel relaxed around, whom you can be yourself around, whom you get along with. And let that relationship work itself out. Don’t force anything, but don’t miss opportunities when they present themselves.