reflections

Life is full of suffering. It is, I believe, a result of the curse mankind received for turning from God’s story and trying to write their own. We are selfish, greedy, indifferent creatures, and because of this, we live in a broken world full of tears and grief. When we wet our bed with tears every night, it is a human tendency to search for a reason. “Why is this happening to me?!” we cry out. We struggle and pray and try to find reasons for what has happened. We grasp at straws and pull excuses out of the air. This is the great quest of Job: “Why has tragedy stricken me? Why have I—an imperfect yet devoted follower of God—been dealt such a cruel, ghastly hand in life?” When Julie broke up with me, I took it extremely hard. I cried and prayed and tried to find an answer. My medical conditions (bipolar disorder) didn’t help much. I spent two months in despair, often suicidal. I fell on my knees and wept, “Please, please, please tell me why this has happened!” No answer. I tried to figure out the reason on my own, much like Job. Job did not find an answer; rather, he received a non-answer: “It’s not for you to know.” We know why he suffered, a cosmic “test” between God and Satan, but he never knew the answer (until, obviously , he entered the gates of heaven). I do not know the reasons why I suffered so much, yet I have clung to the promise of God: “I will make things work out for the good of My children.” And I have begun to see the outworking of God in my life come to tangible reality through the suffering I endured.

First, God showed me what is really important in girls when dating. Julie is a fantastic, wonderful, sweet girl, but I dated her for the grandest false reason that exists: her outward beauty. She is a very pretty girl, inside-and-out. Sadly, I paid more attention to what was on the outside than I did to what was on the inside (though I know her inside beauty is much more extravagant than her outside beauty). This is a big no-no. From the get-go, the relationship was doomed. I was the typical guy (please forgive me). When we were together, I changed. From the first day we became official “boyfriend-girlfriend,” who I was on the inside changed in the sense that I changed myself when I was around her. Others noticed this and told me it was going on, but I refused to believe them. I could not be open, honest, and comfortable around her. And, for this reason, the relationship was doomed. While I was drawn to my current beauty originally for her outer beauty, it was when I got to see her inner beauty that I truly fell for her. Just being in her presence is breathtaking. The connection that exists between us is borderline surreal. We are open with one another, we can be honest with one another, and I can be my weird, quirky, odd self around her. My self-consciousness goes to hell. It is amazing. Had I not dated Julie, I would not have realized what is truly important in relationships. God used her as an instrument to hand me this realization (it was a hard lesson, but God knew it was the only way to make me learn this). And for anyone suspecting that all my exaltations of Julie are trademarks of me still liking her, rest assured: I like Jessica more than I ever liked Julie. This is not a fault in Julie. Some people just don’t click. Julie and I did not click. But Jessica and I, we click. There’s a connection. And that’s what’s important. Looks only last so long. As my old youth minister told us in a guys’ group once, “Eventually, one of you guys [the guy or girl in a relationship] will become ugly, and chances are, it’ll be you guys. So there’s got to be something else or you’re going to be screwed.” To all of you reading this, please do not make the same mistakes I did. Cling to the words of the Apostle Peter:

“What matters is not your outer appearance—the styling of your hair, the jewelry you wear, the cut of your clothes—but your inner disposition. Cultivate inner beauty; the gentle, gracious kind that God delights in.” (1 Pet 3.3-4 [the message])

Second, God prepared me for the road He has set before me. One of the reasons I believe that God brought this suffering upon me is to ready me for whatever He has for me. I prayed over whether or not God wanted me with Julie, and I believe He said, “Go for it.” And two weeks into it (not even that, I believe), the relationship I was ended. While I was devastated, I believe that God—in His mercy—did not allow my heart to become too attached, but attached just enough so that I would suffer. “That is so cruel!” some cry out. However, I disagree. I believe that God uses suffering—and sometimes enacts it—to transform us into the persons whom He wants us to be. Through this suffering, God showed me several areas of my life that needed to be changed before He would bring “the one” into my life. By the grace of God, I swallowed my pride, humbled myself, and embraced the changes. Am I perfect? Pardon my French, but HELL no. However, I am pursuing holiness in my actions and seeking God’s will above my own. Through the suffering, God began a marvelous work that I had been delaying: the work of Him coming into my life and beginning to change me. Before all of this, I said, “My will be done,” but through the suffering, I have come to the point where I can earnestly pray, “God, thy will be done.”

Third, God taught me a valuable lesson: “Trust Me!” It is a difficult and often scary thing to pray, “God, may your will be done.” It is frightening because sometimes our will is not God’s will. I believe this is because our wills are often self-centered. When we pray for God’s will be done, I believe God takes our self-centered desires and makes them kingdom-centered. Suddenly we find ourselves living for so much more, the higher goal of becoming more Christ-like and making the world a better, more beautiful place. When I first started dating Julie, I did not have much stock in trusting God. It was more lip-service than anything. Thankfully (and I say that with half a groan), God had it in Him to teach me to trust Him in all spheres of my life, including my “hopeless romanticism.” I will always remember the words that I believe God spoke to me in March 2006 when I was neck-deep in prayer, asking God, “Is there any hope for me? Will I always be a hopeless romantic?” I believe He told me, in a way I cannot totally describe:

“I have given you these desires [to be a good husband and good father], and I have given you these desires for a reason. There is a girl, one of My children, who is hurting and aching. She desires true love and fears she will never find it in this world of twisted, abusive love. I have chosen you to be Me to her—to love her with a selfless, serving, and sacrificial love. I have a beautiful plan for you and for her. She will bring comfort and completion to your heart, and you will deliver comfort and completion to hers.”

I made the great mistake of trying to bring this to fruition for myself. I said, “Okay, I know what God wants… Now it’s time for me to take the wheel and make it come to pass.” Big mistake. Through all of this, God taught me, “Trust Me with this.” This was certainly hard after Julie broke up with me. How could I trust Someone who seemed to be torturing me? I began to doubt God’s goodness extended towards His creatures. I felt like an ant, and God was the sadistic kid with a magnifying glass trying to burn me up; my goal in life, then, was to avoid getting struck with lightning as much as possible. During my suffering, I had a dream: I was lying on my face before God, crying out for help, but He just stuck His fingers in His ears, turned his head, and whistled, totally ignoring me. But somehow, through all of this, in a mysterious way, I have come to the point where I can cry out, “God, your will be done…” and mean it! I believe that God’s will shall be done. He has transformed me and changed me. I have been rekindled for the girl whom He has me for. When He spoke to me in March 2006, He knew what would happen with Julie. He was not speaking of her. And if He was speaking of her (which I am pretty sure He was not!), then we’ll end up together. If He was speaking of Jessica, then Jessica and I will be together. If He was speaking of someone else, that’s how it will end up. Nothing is impossible with God. I find myself comforted: “God knows what He is doing.” What I spoke of through lip-service has become something I believe in my heart.

So, with all that said, is my suffering over? No. For suffering will never leave us. But may we allow God to change us when suffering strikes. May we find our comfort and peace in Him and in Him alone. So what do I do now? Where do I go from here? I live my life. I seek to honor and please God day-by-day. I deepen my relationship with God, and I let life take me where it takes me… knowing that, though often hidden behind the scenes, God is at work.