Yesterday proved to be rather rough. I'm not really sure why: I am taking my meds like clockwork and my circumstances (while not really as pristine as one might wish) do not offer the same difficulties of last semester. "Is this depression because your ex-girlfriend is kind of in a relationship with one of your best friends?" I don't think so; while it did bother me last semester, I don't really care this semester. "Does it involve your recent breakup with Jessica?" I don't think so; we both knew it wasn't working out and followed our convictions. Nevertheless, the depression has slowly been creeping back to life. Over Christmas Break, much of it remained dormant, though--at times, to be honest--it showed its ugly face. I am continuing to take my medicine, I am starting counseling next week, and I am earnestly praying for guidance from God.
I have started a 40-day "Daniel Fast": fruits, vegetables, and water, named-so after Daniel and his friends' meal plan while they served King Nebuchadnezzar's court in ancient Babylon (see Dan 1). The fasting is definitely difficult, and the heart of the fast is not so much in the abstaining from food but in the deep prayer and meditation, the seeking of God's direction and guidance for my life in my current place in time-and-space. To be totally honest, I'm not really sure what God has in store for me. That scares me. I am a fan of change, and I don't like the idea of remaining in the rut of my existence in which I now live. Much of the fast, also, involves a granting of a repentant heart from God. Another aspect is a pleading for deliverance; not deliverance from "singleness" or any certain thing, but deliverance in the sense of deliverance from this sorrow. Forgive me, but I want to taste joy and peace in the arms of God. I know that joy and tranquility flow from chemicals in our brains, but I believe that there is a transcendent peace that we can taste as our intimacy with God deepens, a joy and peace that "transcends all human understanding" as the scriptures so eloquently put.
This weekend is "Winter Weekend." The campus is flooded with high school students who stay in our rooms. Caleb and I will be hosting two guys from some youth group, and it's a bittersweet thing. It'll be good to share our room and meet some new guys, but at the same time, I'm not a big fan of the risk of things being stolen. In the past, DVDs, laptop computers, CDs and such have been stolen. Caleb said, "If I notice any of my DVDs are missing, I'm going all Boondock Saints."
I have started a 40-day "Daniel Fast": fruits, vegetables, and water, named-so after Daniel and his friends' meal plan while they served King Nebuchadnezzar's court in ancient Babylon (see Dan 1). The fasting is definitely difficult, and the heart of the fast is not so much in the abstaining from food but in the deep prayer and meditation, the seeking of God's direction and guidance for my life in my current place in time-and-space. To be totally honest, I'm not really sure what God has in store for me. That scares me. I am a fan of change, and I don't like the idea of remaining in the rut of my existence in which I now live. Much of the fast, also, involves a granting of a repentant heart from God. Another aspect is a pleading for deliverance; not deliverance from "singleness" or any certain thing, but deliverance in the sense of deliverance from this sorrow. Forgive me, but I want to taste joy and peace in the arms of God. I know that joy and tranquility flow from chemicals in our brains, but I believe that there is a transcendent peace that we can taste as our intimacy with God deepens, a joy and peace that "transcends all human understanding" as the scriptures so eloquently put.
This weekend is "Winter Weekend." The campus is flooded with high school students who stay in our rooms. Caleb and I will be hosting two guys from some youth group, and it's a bittersweet thing. It'll be good to share our room and meet some new guys, but at the same time, I'm not a big fan of the risk of things being stolen. In the past, DVDs, laptop computers, CDs and such have been stolen. Caleb said, "If I notice any of my DVDs are missing, I'm going all Boondock Saints."
No comments:
Post a Comment