"Our cause is never more in danger than when a human no longer desiring, but still intending, to do our Enemy's will, looks round upon a universe from which every trace of Him seems to have vanished, and asks why he has been forsaken, and still obeys." - C.S. Lewis

Yesterday this quote from C.S. Lewis in his novel The Screwtape Letters echoed back and forth in my mind. This pretty much sums up what has been thrown against me. I remember when a passion burned within me to advance God’s kingdom; now that passion has sizzled, yet I am still dedicated to doing as much as I can for God’s kingdom, because I know—despite my feelings of hopelessness, despair, and emotional anguish—that the kingdom deserves my hands and feet. I look about at my life, at all my circumstances and the things I am going through, and I wonder, “God, where are you?” (except, at times, that question is riddled with slight dosages of profanity spilt out in desperation) I feel as if God has abandoned me, as if He’s pulled Himself—along with all the blessings He intended for me to have—away from me, left me all alone in the dark, cold dampness of human existence.

Last night I went for a walk into the quiet, solitary woods beside campus, overcome with a grief so deep and numbing that I cannot describe it. I paced back and forth, my mind a whirlpool of thoughts and emotions, and as tears welled up within me, I hollered, “God, if You care about me so much, why in the world won’t you help me?!” Except it came off more as a rough, course whisper because of the tears welling up behind my eyes. Then I broke down, just weeping, and I pleaded with God, “Please make me happy! I know you want me to be happy! Please take this curse of suffering away from me! I just want to be happy!” My tears dried up, and I gathered myself, took a few deep breaths, reoriented myself.

I wish I could now tell you about how God miraculously answered my prayer, but I can’t. While the suffering wasn’t so intense throughout the rest of the day, I found myself able to function. I pray and pray and pray, day-and-night, praying for the gift of joy. I ground myself in obedience to His commands and await the truth that will set me free. My struggling is not over; rather, it will be with me for my entire life. But there is a little hope: God knows what He has doing. It is at those times when we feel abandoned that God is often getting us and our world prepared for something even greater. I am reminded when David was called by God to be king over Israel. No doubt he was extremely excited. But then some of the worst years of his life struck, and he cried out to God, “Where are You?!” At this time, God was preparing not only him but also the nation of Israel for his arrival. God knew what He was doing, even though David could not see it. God’s promise to David came to fruition, and he received the great honor of being the most honorable, noble king the kingdom ever had, and the double-honor of him being the ancestor of the Messiah. I believe God has told me what He wants to do with my life. When I go through this suffering, it is difficult for me to understand. Yet I trust Him. I trust that He knows what He is doing. Sometimes it’s hard as hell, but I know—deep in the pits of my soul—that He loves me, cares for me, and wants me to be happy. And I know that it breaks His heart to see me suffer like this. I hear Him saying, “My child, my child, persevere, please persevere. I’m at work. You can’t see me, but I’m at work. One day you will be where I told you where you would be… And you will see for certain how I never abandoned you.”