I started my therapy sessions yesterday afternoon. My therapist is a great guy who--ironically--has a story a lot like mine (perhaps that's why they teamed him up with me). We spent a great deal of time talking about how my depression works, what it's like, what kind of thoughts I have when it springs upon me. We spent the rest of the time talking about what has been going on in my life since the depression really got hard around October. I told him about my breakup with Julie and how it affected me, and then I told him about how one of my good friends pursued her without really caring how it would affect me. He believes that the whole Julie-ordeal is the tip of an iceberg that has been growing for a while, and that much of my depression stems from things not yet seen. One of the treatments he's having me do is taking twenty minutes a day to bathe in the thoughts and emotions that come with depression. I did this yesterday, and it was not any fun. However, it really hit me hard last night when a whole host of memories swamped me in my dreams. I woke up insanely depressed and on the verge of tears.

It's a tough process, and he said it will get worse before it gets better, but I hope that this treatment helps me deal with what's going on in an effective way. It's going to be one hell of a fight, but I'm willing to go through it if it can get me to a point where I don't hurt so bad every day. He said, "I think a lot of this has to do with Julie. You've let her go, in a sense, in your consciousness, but yet she's still alive and well in your subconscious. You want to let her go, don't you?" "Yes," I said... "and no. So much of me wants to just forget what happened and act like nothing ever took place, but I think there's a part of me that refuses to let go." "Do you know why?" he asked. I said, "No. I haven't the slightest clue." Hopefully treatment will bring these things to the surface so I can finally deal with them face-to-face instead of taking stabs at them in the dark.

I am very thankful for the friends whom I have who are helping me through this difficult time. Two of my best friends on campus--Caleb and Emily--have helped me immensely. They don't have a clue how much they help. Just spending time with them helps the depression go away, and they sit there as I vent and help me sort through issues I am dealing with. They've promised that they're going to be at my side through the long haul. If I didn't have friends like them on this campus, I have no doubt in my mind that I wouldn't be at C.C.U. right now.