My apologies for not updating lately. Life has been somewhat hectic. Over the weekend I went on a Geology field trip with my college class. We studied glacial erratics, moraines, till plains, sand dunes, etc. Now wherever I go, I can identify the geological processes that carved the landscape. In one sense it’s pretty interesting, but on the flip side, now I can’t just drive and relax. I’ll always be thinking, “Is that just a glacial carving due to deposition or an actual moraine? And if it is a moraine, is it recessional or terminal? Was this lake at one time a kame? Is it a kettle? Or was it carved by the uplifting of soft rock by the advancement of glacial ice? Is this rock native or carried here by glaciers from Canada?” Gah. My mind is ruined. Anyhow. Here is something I wrote spring semester of 2007, something that is again presenting itself in true colors:
Certain “certitudes” bind me, and under their spells I become a slave, bending over and gritting my teeth with their lacerating lashings. I am chained by my past, unable to breathe and unable to feel, thinking that all that has ever been is all that will ever be. I am given the opportunity to take off the iron shackles, but yet I continue to turn my face from freedom. What is it that frightens me? It is the fear that freedom is hopeless, that where lies freedom, therein lies suffering. I am afraid to risk, for every time I have risked, I have been hurt. I am afraid to place my dreams before others, afraid to go forward in the face of overwhelming odds, afraid to reach out for others, afraid to expose my feelings, afraid to love. I am afraid of this because there is the great chasm of risk that must be leapt. A part of me screams to leap that chasm and see what happens; maybe my fears will die and my “certitudes” will be crushed to powder. Another part of me whispers, “Every time you have leapt, you’ve just been more bloodied, beaten, and marred than before. You’re just going to get hurt.” So I can either leap the chasm, embracing either pain in defeat or joy in victory… or I can remain among those quiet, timid souls who know neither victory nor defeat.
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