on maturity

We do not grow absolutely, chronologically. We grow sometimes in one dimension, and not in another; unevenly. We grow partially. We are relative. We are mature in one realm, childish in another. The past, present, and future mingle and pull us backward, forward, or fix us in the present. We are made up of layers, cells, constellations. – Anais Nin

I have been seeking to understand myself. I have been trying to look at myself from a disembodied state, to discover where I have grown, where I need to grow, where I am immature, where my childishness blossoms. If you would have asked me in my high school years about maturity, and the process of maturing, I would have said that it is a steady process. But I disagree with my past self. I believe Anais Nin is right. Our maturing happens piece-by-piece, and some parts of us become mature while other parts remain immature; and where I am mature, you are immature, and where you are mature, I am immature. This is because, I believe, maturity is fueled—even spawned—by the experiences we go through. Maturity cannot be taught, and it cannot be learned. Maturity is something that happens when our immaturity is met with reality, and the result is either resignation—I refuse to let go of my immaturity!—or rebuilding—now I must become mature. I have seen both in my life, and sometimes they are paradoxical. The “immature” hope that there is someone Special for me, someone chosen by God, someone that God is going to bring me; and the mature knowledge that this is not how the world works, that coming together into beautiful harmony with another is a result of biochemical reactions in the brain and a serious amount of commitment. On one hand I want to believe that love is characterized by romantic highs; on the other I know that love is characterized by loyalty and self-sacrifice. On the one hand I have the hope that things will change with time; on the other hand I know that time changes nothing, but that we change things by our actions. Maturity is piece-by-piece, it is slow, it is uneven, and it is paradoxical.