I’m in that same situation once again, albeit it with new faces and new complexities. Over the past couple weeks I’ve gotten to know a fantastic girl, and my attraction towards her has dovetailed into downright liking her. Usually I can read girls, see how they feel towards me; but not this time. This girl, she defies interpretation. She’s hot and then cold, yes and then no (isn’t that a Katy Perry song?). Sometimes it seems evident that she has feelings for me, too; at other times, it seems evident that she perceives me merely as a friend, albeit it as a great friend. One of our mutual friends doesn’t know what to think, either. “The evidence that she likes you keeps stacking up,” she says, and I trust her for her precise discernment in other matters in life. “But at the same time, I think maybe she likes you but isn’t in a place to invest in something serious, and she knows that’s what you’re looking for.” I was going to tell her yesterday that I like her, but that didn’t work out. Not because I’m a pussy, but because our plans for hanging out fell through. “I dodged that bullet,” I told our mutual friend. (I speak in ambiguities because I don’t want to give away any secrets in case she reads this blog; though I know she’d put two-and-two together, since, after all, I know she’s suspicious regarding whether or not I like her.) At this point, I’m torn in multiple directions regarding my more-than-attraction towards her. There are several routes I can take.
(1) BACK OFF. Crucify my attraction for her. Force myself away from such ridiculous and romantic thoughts. Employ “logic” to dispel these whispering and futile fantasies.
(2) DO NOTHING. Just let the cards fall where they will. Employ the jellyfish tactic (i.e. be spineless), coupled with bitter and empty hopes.
(3) PURSUE. Be honest. Be open. Tell her what’s up. Ask her out. Employ the tactic of burning bridges and possibly ruining our friendship.
(4) DROP HINTS. A mesh of 2 & 3. Essentially pursue, but not outright. Make her wonder if I like her and gauge future actions in this light.
I hate this. I always parade logic over feelings, but when feelings arise, I succumb to them. I’m so easily enslaved to dreams and ambitions, to illusions and fantasies. There’s a tension between Optimism and Pessimism, between inspired hope and self-mutilating thoughts: “She’s way too good and beautiful for you, you know what happens when you like girls like this—they have no interest in you. The only ones you can get are the desperate and psychotic ones, and if you get normal ones, they end up cheating on you.” I struggle not to circumvent these thoughts but to disengage from them completely; but so hardwired they are into the fabric of my self-perception, I can’t do this without dipping my toes into the ocean of assumptions. Compounding all this are the bitter complexities, challenges, and barriers to us being together. I’m tempted again and again to just go the first route, to kick the dust off my feet and move on. And usually I can do this. But with this girl, who’s so great and wonderful, I can’t do that. I can’t help but forgo such a route and tempt myself to move ahead. If there’s any chance that she likes me back, and I don’t risk everything on that chance, then I’m a fool. Right? I don’t even know anymore.
2 comments:
Are you blogging about my life? Sure does seem like it.
By the way, I appreciate you used the word circumvent. I would have laughed like crazy had you said cirsumvrent.
I wish I were blogging about your life, because then I'd be you and I'd always have your body close at hand.
Haha I wish I would've thought of using cirsumvrent instead of circumventing. Perhaps another time.
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