re:living the past

Long and winding night drives is something of Cincinnati I dearly miss. Months ago I ran into my C.C.U. friend Katie at a party at the Claypole House, and we talked about how we used to go on drives and smoke cigarettes and drink orange juice, sharing conversation and laughter late into the night. These drives became a staple of my life, since I love(d) smoking cigarettes, and I couldn't do so on campus. I had a plethora of tried-and-true routes, most of which snaked around Cincinnati, passing down by the stadiums, or which followed the river east to the beautiful, picturesque town of Mariemont. I'd get out of my car and walk around the old stone church and sit on the stone wall encircling the cryptic graveyard. Other times I'd drive to Indiana, or go south into Kentucky, plunging into the countryside and parking at another abandoned graveyard and sitting on the hood of my car looking up at the stars. On clear nights you could almost see one of the Milky Way's arms. Now that I'm living back home, I can smoke on the front porch. There's no need for driving. But last night I went on such a drive, inspired by the thick mist cloaking everything.

The last time I saw mist like this was in Chicago last year. You couldn't see the tops of the skyscrapers, and when we rode up the ferris wheel, the skyline seemed to be emerging from an unbroken blanket of fog. At 2:00 in the morning I drove through the mist, at times going only 25 mph because I couldn't see ten feet ahead of me. I took the above picture along 73. On these drives, just like the olden times, I think about life. Things I want to do, things I want to accomplish, where I'm going in life, shit like that. I used to be so full of dreams, but disappointment ravaged me, and a sort of bitter stoicism spread through my veins. Now I don't hope in much at all. I try to enjoy life and friendships, and I try to love other people and be a decent human being, and a lot of times I fail, but that's what happens when you're so accustomed to living a life of darkness. There's grace and mercy for that. Last night I ran into my co-worker Danny at the gas station. He's getting his degree in psychology and aims to work with mentally handicapped kids. I used to want to do that, but then I decided to do ministry, and I ended up with a B.S. in Biblical Studies and no desire to become entrenched in all the church politics that ravage nearly every church I've ever been a part of or worked with. So I'm not sure what I'm doing with my life. Danny's employment at Starbucks is like a "filler" job; but for me, what is it? Will I be there the rest of my life? *GULP* I hope not, as much as I love it. I want to do something meaningful, something that will impact others, something that will make a difference in the world--whether that difference is limited to a select few or a vast number is irrelevant. I want to enact change in the world, I want to be a positive force.