this, the first of the month

Twenty days from now will be the 21st. On that day, more time will have passed since the Wisconsinite ended things than we spent actually dating. I'm looking forward to that day. I want to put her behind me completely. A few days ago I accidentally opened the file on my computer where I stored all our photographs and the videos we sent each other. I knew I shouldn't look through them, but I did anyways. Self-control, it's never been a strong suit. It wasn't a good idea, and I felt all over again all the things I felt for her, and in some ways still feel for her. I can't have those memories anymore; there was really no recourse except to delete them. It's hard to be content with what you have if you're reminded of what you lost. 

Ashley knows Mandy did a number on me, but at times I'm not sure if she realizes the extent of that "number." Already Ashley wants to talk marriage and family, but I'm nowhere near that point. I'm afraid my heart's still in need of healing, still in recovery mode. I don't know how to talk about this with her. I have been clear about not wanting to go fast; I think talking marriage and family at this point would be going too fast. It was different with the Wisconsinite: I loved her, and I wanted nothing more than to share life with her and raise a family with her. Ashley and I, we've had a great month knowing one another and hanging out whenever we can, but I'm not at that point with her, and there's no reason I should be. I can't change the fact that part of my heart, at least, still belongs to Mandy; as much as I try to reason myself out of that, as much as I try to kill my love for her, it's damned resilient and persistent. It always has been. A curse and a blessing they say; more a curse, I would say. I know, logically, that a time will come when I don't think about her anymore, when I don't wonder What if? I'm just hoping that day comes sooner rather than later. And I'm hoping Ashley has patience with that, I really do. If I start feeling pressured, or cornered, then it'll be hard not to run. It's not at that point yet, and maybe I'm just letting anxieties reign. 

Compounding things, of course, are the girls. I love them, I really do. Zoey has become rather fond of me (in a shocking way, according to her family), and Chloe wants me around "forever" (her words, not mine). I'm nice to them, and I play with them, and I tease them, and I'm firm with them. I'm a lot of the things a father should be, and they haven't experienced that, so maybe that's why they're becoming so attached. It scares me, it really does. I'm not anticipating things going south with Ashley; I know there's the potential for that (it comes with the territory of dating), but I'm certainly not planning on it. But if things do go south, if either one of us comes to believe it won't or can't work for whatever reason, the girls will be hurt and experience yet another abandonment by someone they trusted. I'm certainly not provoking attachment on their part; it just seems to be happening naturally. 

I really wish that I could open my heart to Ashley the way I opened it to the Wisconsinite. I really do. But I'm not at that point yet. I'm not saying it's an impossibility; I just need more time. I'm hoping that time is all I need, that my ability to love hasn't been destroyed. I've never poured my heart out to anyone the way I did to Mandy. It took a lot of strength and courage to trust her with it. After everything that happened, I wouldn't be surprised if my brain is on lockdown mode for a while. Maybe this anxiety--of enjoying being with Ashley and sharing life with her and her girls while simultaneously knowing that part of my heart, at the least, belongs to Someone Else and that my capacity to love may be greatly diminished in the wake of all that--is nothing but a temporary phase. What I do know is that Ashley is crazy about me. "I can't imagine why Mandy ended things with you. Maybe she just hasn't dated enough to know how rare someone like you is. But whatever the reason, I think she's a fool. But I'm glad she did it, because now I have you." Those words are endearing and terrifying. But, you know: it comes with the territory.