For quite some time I've been under the impression that the only relationship God wants with us is one that is intimate. Yet if that were true, I realized, how come such intimacy is with God is so rare, felt only a dozen or so times in life, during worship, Bible reading, spending time with others in church, whatever? If this is the one goal and purpose of God's relationship with us, why are the most devoted and fantastical Christians admitting intimacy is so hard to fine sometimes?

I think one reason is that the Evil One has his claws all over this world. Duh. But another reason has been spreading through my heart, mind, and soul, and has brought relief and peace to me.

Intimacy is the grittiest, most raw relationship we can hold with God. It is where we find God inviting us into his bedchamber, as raunchy as that may sound. Some have found such intimacy, but it is rare. For the reason stated above about the Evil One, and also because, simply, a lot of us don't want to go any farther!

In the house church/ small group I lead, I have been pounding on how God wants only an intimate relationship with us. I have stated - incorrectly - that if we do not have this intimacy, we are missing out. And so many times in saying that I have been shooting an arrow into my chest, because this intimacy is not an every-day thing for me. I had been discouraged by the fact that most people did not desire an intimate relationship with God, and I thought this was something God mourned and even scolded. But God is comfortable with us not wanting an intimate relationship with him; he is okay if we don't want to commit our entire lives to Him.

Notice in Scripture that intimacy with God is not a requirement to salvation, but a step above salvation. We can exist with God on more than one level; there are four levels we exist with God on, and they are interchangeable through our lives:

1) The multitudes belonged to Jesus in a public setting. We can belong to God publically as he is the shepherd and we are the sheep. We can belong to him publically as he is the master and we are the servant. All these are spoken by Jesus and are just as legitimate as the deeper relationships. This is the most common relationship to God.

2) A roomfull of people belonged to Jesus socially. This social belonging is often found in churches, small groups, social worship and prayer, etc. We hardly ever find passionate prayers in corporate gatherings, because they are out-of-place. I used to think public, franchised prayers weren't very good, but they are just as legitimate, only finding existence on a different level. There are less of these than there are of public community with God.

3) The 12 disciples found personal belonging with Jesus. This is when God is our best friend, our brother or sister, our family. We experience this when we gather with one or two people and just pray passionately with God, worship passionately, and commune together passionately. There are less of these than there are of social belonging with God.

4) The inner circle of Peter, James and John belonged to Jesus intimately. This is where the fewest relationships with God are found. This is where God is the Lover and we are the Beloved, and we live on that fact.

All these four areas of belonging experience community with Jesus, and all are significant. A healthy relationship with God will touch all four levels, and they change in-and-out with us with the passing of years.

It's that time of year again.

Today I took some well-needed time, sat down at this computer, and browsed Amazon.com. I am an avid reader and have a nice little collection of books ranging everywhere from classical masterpieces to Ambrose's WWII writings, and Michael Crichton and John Grisham to Edgar Allan Poe and lots of John Eldredge. Suspense, horror, action, thriller, even a romance in there somewhere (not the dime romances, the good stuff).

I had a few ideas on my mind and was able to plot out an inclusive Christmas list for my parents and extended family:

Rome: Total War: Prima Official Game Guide, $13.59

In the Name of Rome: The Men Who Won the Roman Empire (Phoenix Press), $9.71

The Complete Roman Army, $26.37

The Penguin Historical Atlas of Ancient Rome (Penguin Historical Atlases), $11.53

The Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire: Volumes 1,2,3 (Everyman's Library) [BOX SET], $34.00

The Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire: Paperback, $10.85

Handbook to Life in Ancient Rome, $13.97

Celtic Cross Display

Stocking gifts:

Nag Champa incense

Plain cover, silver Zippo

Beware all you who think I've gone head over heels for my snazzy new computer game! The game was bought out of adorating for the beautiful history of ancient worlds! Lots of people have told me my fascination of ancient warfare has found breeding grounds on my XP; no, the XP breeding ground was birthed from passion.

*** Does anyone know where I can find a celtic cross display? It would be REALLY cool!

an odd night

Pat spent the night last night. I was sleeping soundly and dreaming of Rome when what sounded like the doorbell echoed in my ears. Rolling over, I rubbed my eyes and saw the clock read 3:01 a.m. Awkward. Half-asleep, I heard it again, and thought to myself, Is there a phalanx of spearmen at the front door? Literally. I was still bunking REM. Finally all disullisioned ideas broke apart when Doogie started barking.

I hopped up and ran to my window, pulling back the blinds, remembering a time I was almost kidnapped just down the street (long story). A car sat by the curb with its lights on and door open. I backed up to my desk, opened the drawer, and pulled out a hunting knife Pat had given me a week ago. I guess it helped me feel more protected.

Pat startled me when he got up and muttered, "What's going on? It's so early."

"There's someone outside in a car!"

Pat's dad was supposed to come by in the morning and pick him up to run to Southwest to play bass. Suddenly Pat said, "Is it my dad? My dad's gone mad! It's 3:00!"

To add to the confusion, the phone began to ring. Pat yelped, "Pick it up!" I ran it off the wall and said, "Hello?" Around 11:30 Shelby and Jacque Stevens and Megan Hague had been prank calling and I thought, You've got to be joking me - they're supposed to be in Northmont! A female voice came through: "This is the Springboro Police Department." They wanted to talk to my dad about some youths running around outside. My parents blamed us because it's happened before, but we were sleeping soundly dreaming of Rome.

such a laugh-filled day

The rest of the day went well. We watched a movie called Resurrection, somewhat like the movie SE7EN, at Chris and Lee's house. I ate a sugar cookie, low-fat eggnog and animal crackers. Pat had donuts, ice cream, doritos, cookies, and then some, and he complains to me about gaining weight; I told him not to complain to me anymore :-). It was a laughing ball when we returned to my house and ate supper; mine was fiber popcorn (mmmm, yumm!) and a bagel. Pat had more junk food and Chris and I relaxed in the family room amongst Christmas lights and Christmas music. I love Christmas. Three weeks till Christmas break!

We decided to go to the 412 Basketball night, but instead of playing we ran around in the YMCA until we got yelled at, hid in an off-limits gym (we didn't know it was off-limits), and got karts out of the closet and rushed around the gymnasium with Jeff yelling at us to stay off the court :-). And a grand finale: Chris raced me through a water puddle on a scooter, let go, and I pitched forward, splashing water all over myself. Ahh! Stories!

Dylan and I went and saw the movie Alexander at Showcase Cinema Dayton South. I thought it was good, though it was drawn out; the battle scenes were epic, though, along the fantastic lines of Braveheart and Gladiator. We hung out for a while at home, then he left and Pat Dewenter came over.

Pat and I ran our course to the awesome and delicious China Cottage, where we partook in creamy egg drop soup, crunchy spring rolls and steaming broccoli and General Tau's chicken. Laughter all the way - great times! Pat says he is seriously considering CBC, and if he went we would room together. With John Thomason rooming with me my first college years, this means I'd have a well-known college roommate all through college!

I see characters like William Wallace, Maximus Decimus Meridious, Alexander, and I want to be like them. I think every man wants to be like them. We all starve for glory, for righteous power, for authority. We all long to be looked at through history and seen as noble, heroically fierce, glorious. This is in the gene of men, a desire and longing implanted by the Creator - for once we were noble, once we were heroically fierce, and once we were glorious (as Chesterton said, "We are statues of God walking about the Garden."). One day, too, these longings and desires will be fulfilled, and we will be noble, fierce, and glorious once again!

I have had a bad headache for the last three days straight, but I've no clue why. I also spent much of the day on the toilet because of diahrrea and nausea; where they came from, I don't know. Then I started having 'black-outs' - move suddenly, and with my eyes open, all I see is black and my ears roar for about ten seconds. I used to get them all the time, and today at least they've been biting at me.

We celebrated Thanksgiving with my grandparents and cousins up in New Carlisle. My cousin Matthew, Ams, my grandparents and I drove to downtown Dayton for a STOMP production at the Schuster Center. It was interesting. Surprised to run into Ashley Howard and Erica Owen up there. At the show, it stunk in one way because whenever they banged garbage cans really loud, my head pounded.

On our way out, we passed Uno's Chicago Bar and Grill, sparking memories. Memories of what feel like ancient times. Memories of eating with Pat and Megan Hague, the Southards, and my family after a Third Day concert. Memories of Dad and I buying food at a concession at the concert when Chris, Lee and Pat Dewenter walked past and Dad said, "You should try to get to know them," and I just said, "I don't think so."

"Ironic," I told Amanda, "that they're some of my best friends now?"

Mom woke me up around 8:00 when she headed out, and since I couldn't sleep, I got up and fixed breakfast and showered, threw on clothes. I fixed some healthy popcorn for breakfast and watched some of Schindler's List, one of my top-ten favorite movies of all time (along with Braveheart, Gladiator, Dawn of the Dead...).

With a few spare hours on my hands, I went before the throne in worship, prayer, scripture reading. God touched my heart and a flame burned within my soul. His presence has not lifted off of me ever since precious hour. The monks were on to something.

Dylan Yosick came over. We laughed and goofed around and played Battlefield: Vietnam and Rome: Total War. Flipped through some yearbooks and fixed supper. Dylan had a pizza and two lean pockets (how the kid stays thin I do not know) and I had some rolls, healthy New England clam chowder, and some new potatoes, lightly buttered and salted. I worked 3-9 with my friends Ricky and Sean; the weather was beautiful - not in the picturesque sunset kind of way, but the ferocious and ominous way. The sunset and the rainbows and hummingbirds show us only one facet of God, perhaps the facet of tenderness? But today's stormy weather showed yet another facet - his royal unpredictability, his dangerousness. Wow. Afterwards Chris Williams and I laughed and joked around and he chased the Jeep as I sped away from his house.

The bath water was hot and I put in some bubblebath. Been a long time since one of those. The bubbles and running water massaged crying feet. I need to go to bed now. 8-12 in the morning.

Thanks for reading about my day; farewell!

I am going through a rough time right now. I have recently learned that some of the friends I considered good have potentially turned on me and are spreading rumors and gossip through not only school, but Southwest and 412 as well. This really sickens me. It saddens me. How come deep friendships, true community, is so hard to find?

This weekend has been a blast. After work Friday, I went to the Christmas in Festival and ran into my friends, Pat Hague, Ashlie Finnie, Chris Williams and Pat Dewenter. Pat and I ran up to Best Buy minutes before it closed and I grabbed a kamikaze-sweet PC game, Rome: Total War. Enough about that, it bores most of you, I know :-).

Saturday I spent with Pat again; we went up to Salvation Army, and as he thrifted I browsed Borders and 1/2Price, but nothing good. We grabbed my sister Amanda and we headed out to Christmas in Springboro, flitting in and out of the tents, eating Kettle Korn, buying incense...

Pat, Ams and I pillaged together our $$$ and snatched a corner desk for my room, sold to us by Rochelle manning the Garage booth, which filled the three of our's time Sunday after morning worship gathering. Dylan and Tyler Yosick swung by, then we chowed down at the Southwest Church Celebration Sunday dinner. I was hungry but thank God I didn't shove food down my throat :-).

My weight loss battle is over, as I reached my original weight goal of 135; but this is a LIFESTYLE change, not a diet - remember that all you dieters :-). You can't go back to your old ways!

After the dinner, 412 polled together, jumped in the cars, and went to see Spongebob Squarepants: the Movie. I didn't like it too much, but lots of laughter with my friends.

There are times in life when we need to just relax and enjoy ourselves. We get so caught up with working for God that we forget that we also ought to - are CALLED to - relax and enjoy our lives not only for God, but with God alongside. So set aside the church bulletin, go outside, lie down in the hammock, and sleep for a few hours. Perhaps God could use the rest, too :-).

"It's useless to rise early and go to bed late,
and work your worried fingers to the bone.
Don't you know he enjoys
giving rest to those he loves?"
- Psalm 127:2, MSG

Today I finally had enough cash to go out and buy Rome: Total War. I'm a HUGE fan of medieval style warfare (though Rome wouldn't be medieval, but it's still swords and spears and axes and arrows and all that fun stuff). It is the most amazing computer game I've ever seen, I am so excited about it. Well. Off to play some more :-). Just thought I'd give you the highlight of my day.

Pat Dewenter went with me to Best Buy to buy it; he bought a Bright Eyes CD. Laughs a mile a minute. He's so awesome.

School was extremely easy today; we're watching Primal Fear in psychology, it looks good. I spent some time working on 36 Hours - it feels so good to get back into a hobby, especially one so daunting. I have poured countless hours into it, and yet I am only 1/3 of the way through it. Part of me wants to make it a trilogy; another part doesn't. I don't think I will - I am constantly making revisions.

Writing is so fun, especially when it is something that interests you, and this stuff fascinates me. Once I finish it, I'm going to put it on a website, buy a URL for it, and advertise it. Two people have read through the first third and say it is AMAZING; another echoes, and that makes three. All who have read it say it's good.

I have to admit, though, that I am behind schedule; I wanted to finish the chapter 8:00 PM, but I wasn't able to because of flame small group. That's okay; flame was great, we talked about how God wants us to enjoy our lives. Yet I am pumped, because I have a beautiful ending to the chapter planned out in my head - next stop, the XP.

Good night!

I must admit I am feeling guilty for not showing up to go bowling with a friend for D-Group. Jeff says no one showed up. My friend worked Tuesdays, and I had no money, but yet I still feel guilty. I do agree that our D-Group needs to move away from just TALKING about being better Christians to BEING better Christians in our world. I think we should keep our eyes open for opportunities to be a loving presence in Springboro, Ohio, where we can just go out and help out and love on others without spending a dime (this is not selfishness, it is me being broke :-)).

In lighter news, I spent an hour and a half writing. I rarely ever get to write anymore, what with school and work and God and everything in between. Life is so hectic; I would say, "Save writing for later when life isn't so hectic," but it's working out to be more hectic everyday. As I'm not a big fan of nonfiction and short stories, I tend to write books - novels. My last grand one, an epic of a novel, was STARSEED, which my friends make fun of. I am working on one now called 36 HOURS. It is a blend of suspense, horror and thriller. I enjoy writing in those genres; they are the substance of my daydreams, and all too many times the substance of my nightmares :-). I can't help it though; I am plagued by a passion for writing. Maybe one of these days I will write something worth publishing?

I am exploring the book of Isaiah. It is wonderful stuff. God's potent love streams off the pages.

[The heart] cannot be managed like a corporation. The heart does not respond to pprinciples and programs; it seeks not efficiency, but passion... For many of us, the waves of first love [of God] ebbed away in the whirlwind of Christian service and activity... Our faith began to feel more like a series of problems that needed to be solved or principles that had to be mastered... The Christian life is a love affair of the heart. It cannot be lived primarily as a set of principles or ethics. It cannot be managed with steps and programs. It cannot be lived exclusively as a moral code leading to righteousness... The truth of the Gospel is intended to free us to love God and others with our whole heart. When we ignore this heart aspect of our faith and try to live out our religion solely as correct doctrine or etics, our passion is crippled, or perverted...

- Brent Curtis, The Sacred Romance

These words burn within me as I struggle with re:birthing Monday Bible Study. I know the last thing we need - not teens, not adults, Christians, God-followers - is another Bible Study. I believe we have so entrained the brain that it has become, either on the conscious or the unconscious, the how-to and point-of in Christianity, when it is all about being in a passionate, intimate relationship with God. My friends and I burn with a desire not only to reach the lost, but to experience God on a daily basis. The experiences don't come served on a silver platter - we are in Satan's territory, and communion with God is a desert oasis. Yet we all feel God pulling us to revamp Mondays, to make it something different, something special; a vision of something not-yet seen in any size, shape or form at Springboro High School.

We have discussed and pondered and meditated on what it is that God actually wants us to do in this small corner of our High School, and we feel the Spirit pushing us to a more interactive and thematic gathering, a fellowship. We feel God softly whispering ideas into our heads, pleading, "Challenge Me, challenge Me... I love to come through... See what I can do... Challenge Me!"

Right now our sermon-style Bible Study is in the evolution of becoming more relationship-oriented. The nuts and bolts is this: play some soft music in the background, have some snacks - oatmeal creme pies, little debbie brownies, what have you - to draw people in. We spend ten-fifteen minutes just hanging out, laughing, loving, goofing off and making fools of ourselves. Then we have some kind of activity - not a game, but a spiritual activity inspiring thought and creativity - that will build upon a short message. After the message we will spend some time in prayer. We also hope to have a period of worship-by-music, with someone on guitar and someone singing. Kristen Southard seems willing enough to sing.

These ideas are building atop one another, and we contine to brainstorm - or heart-storm. Please, if you have any ideas, anything tried-and-true, if something comes from your thoughts, please tell me! Just leave it as a comment or email me at ajbarnhart@yahoo.com. Please pray that God will draw people in and we can begin to make a difference in peoples' hearts.

I saw the Enemy yesterday...

Tom had a great message last night, a message that really hit me hard and kind of brushed away the anxieties and worries of my future years, turning them into eager expectations and passionate seeking for a God who is BIG. Tom is right - so many of us put God in a box, and then we complain and gripe when our ministries stumble, when we just can't seem to overcome that sin, when our small groups dissipate and house churches vanish. I am sure this is the sowing seed of the Enemy; the last thing he wants is for us to believe our God is big. So he convinces us to put God in a box, and then he hounds us over and over and rips at us. Well last night Tom's message, and I'm sure he knows this, was a direct blow to the Enemy. Spitting in the Enemy's face. Working to remove the veil that Satan has placed over our eyes.

Satan messed a lot with Tom to discourage him, I think it was, to pull him away from what he did last night. Tom, knowing the Enemy was assailing him, didn't back down. I am sure the Enemy kept at it, but when it became clear Tom was not giving in, the Enemy turned elsewhere: to those Tom was speaking to. To me, my friends, those in the seats. Satan tore us away from the truth by distractions, by turning our ears and thoughts away from the message. Several times I felt my mind wandering, almost beyond my control, and I pulled it back (and his message was very interesting!); a friend of mine complained over and over that it was too long.

The Evil One tried to turn our ears from the message, tried to get us to focus on different things, anything he could to get us away from listening to the truth. Many of my friends who don't really believe the Enemy is that big, friends who don't believe we are at war, left complaining and disinterested.

Satan's work had won in a few. But I noticed, and it angers me. I want to fight back. I want to run back to these people and say, "Look at what happened in there!" Tom, dude, your message was undeniably from God; the level of the Enemy's activity shows that in itself.

I don't remember who it was, but someone said that two mistakes regarding the belief of demons/Satan is to ignore them, and to pay too much attention to them. I agree with the first one; but if we close our eyes and just do well to 'acknowledge' that yes, there is a little war, then we've already fallen into the Enemy's plan. I wonder if the Enemy convinced this guy that to pay too much attention is a bad idea, and so then the Enemy duped hundreds into skirting away from the idea of spiritual warfare? To me, to close our eyes - to not stare into the battle without ceasing - is to shut your eyes and throw down your gun on the beaches of Normandy.

I worked 9:30-3:00; scheduled till 4:00, but Karen was gracious and let me out an hour later :-). I picked up Pat Dewenter, and John joined us back at the house. We hung out and ate cookies until Tyler and Kristen pulled into the driveway. We took off to West Chester for some passionate worship and an amazing message by Tom Planck. Tyler and Kristen left with Kristen's parents to eat out, and the rest of us hung out at Pat's where Pat played on his guitar. We dropped off Pat at Chris and Lee's, and right now Ams, John and I are hanging out in the kitchen; Amanda is fixing up some chicken, and oh! it will taste so good!

“ ‘You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind…’ ”
– Luke 10:27

What is Christianity all about? A lot of us mistakenly believe Christianity is about following the right doctrine, sticking to a list of rules, going to church Sundays and Wednesdays. A lot of us abandon our hearts and try to live out our faith by the right dogma or ethics, by going after morality. Look around – you see people doing it all the time; but does it work? No, because Christianity is not about all that. Christianity is about, above all other things, a love affair with God. It all revolves around love! God loves you and wants an intimate love affair with you, even more pleasurable than sex. Everything he’s done, everything he’ll ever do, is his effort to get your attention, his voice whispering, “Come to me, my Beloved!” It isn’t about rules or obedience or doctrine or external affairs – it is about God’s heart connecting with ours. It is about God pursuing us and saying. “Come into my bedchamber.” He stands at the door of our heart and knocks, anxious to come inside and be submersed in his Beloved!

“For I will forgive their iniquity, and I will remember their sin no more.”
– Jeremiah 31:34

Let us not confuse God’s forgiveness with the world’s forgiveness. When I forgive my friend, I don’t hold the sin against him; I don’t hold grudges; I treat him no differently than if he hadn't sinned against me. When God forgives us, he does something radically different. I don’t hold anything against my friend because I choose not to look on the sin; God doesn’t hold anything against us because there’s nothing to hold against us. He erases our sins, blots it out of history! By his miraculous power, he changes the past – that sin we committed never happened! It is unfathomable; we are made holy and perfect not by our own actions, but God’s. Since our sin no longer exists, why should we keep looking back on it? Why should we feel guilty or ashamed? Satan will try to use our sins against us, convincing us that our sin is too great for us to love God and be loved by God. Don’t listen to his lies – your sin no longer exists. You are perfect.

Thursday gathering went extremely well. Pat Dewenter led us in a few songs of intimate worship before the Creator, and we spent time discussing - really discussing - dozens of aspects of worship, not to mention the role Satan and his demons - the Evil Ones - can play in trying to pull us away from worship. We discussed being consumers of worship when we are to be consumed by worship. We discussed the role of daily worship, and how worship is not just music, but also looking at the stars, at times eating in fellowship, and adorant praying. We talked about how going in for the 'feelings' of worship is a kind of idolatry, focusing on feelings and not God. We prayed several times and God moved in those who had decided to come. I thank God that he has answered my countless prayers regarding this gathering, in making it so much more wonderful than I imagined possible. Whoever it was that said it is right: "Taste the Lord, and see that he is good..."

celebrating for... the heck of it

Chris Williams and I jumped in the Jeep and drove to Fudds. Chris is an awesome guy. He is hilarious. I expected it to only cost twenty bucks, but it ended up costing thirty, so that really stunk. But we sat in the round Elvis Presley booth and laughed and joked around and stuffed ourselves. I almost puked in laughter several times. It is rare that I gourge myself like I did tonight; I feel like a blimp. But such days are necessary; such days of celebration; celebrating for no reason at all except life and love and breathing on this earth. Ahh. Celebration. So sweet.

“I – yes, I alone – am the one who blots out your sins for my own sake and will never think of them again.” - Isaiah 43:25

The Creator doesn’t forgive us for our own sake. He doesn’t erase our sins for our own gain. He doesn’t wipe away our screw-ups and mess-ups and failures for our own good pleasure. The cross wasn’t even for us. God wipes away our sins for his own sake. He erases our sins, blots them out of history, and doesn’t think of them ever again; your sins will never cross the thought or heart of your Lover. We can fall victim to believing God erases our mistakes for us, but he really does it for himself. He desires us more than we desire him! He wants us more than we want him! He wants our hearts and love and cries out, “Pursue me! Pursue me!” You are on his mind more than he is on yours. The guiding force behind all creation, behind all the acts of unfolding history, the force behind the Story from Genesis to Revelation, is God’s delight in us and his desire to be with us. He is the Lover and we are the Beloved.

“When I look at your heavens, the
the work of your fingers,
the moon and the stars,
which you have set in place,
what is man that you are mindful
of him,
and the son of man that you
care for him?”
- Psalm 8:3,4

The same arms that spread the skies wrap you and me in loving embrace. The same hands that placed the stars in the sky comfort us when the world turns its back to us. The One who carved the moon out of nothing and placed it in the sky, sparkling silver in the sun’s golden light, lifts us, too, up out of our troubles and problems and pains, and he sets us in his bedchamber. We are his cherished ones; he created the sunset and the stars and the moon and the sun just for us. Kangaroos and the Serengeti and hummingbirds and spring meadows and the aura borealis, all were created for us! The One who names the stars knows the very number of hairs on your head, and he loves you. The same hands that painted the clouds and sunset and the waves lapping against the beach reach for you, pursue you, and draw you close. You are God’s one and only Beloved.

Thursday night gathering has turned into a chaotic animal house. No one pays attention; everything is just a big joke, oftentimes even the stuff we're talking about (even when the topic is, ironically, GOD); some of those there make fun of others, backbite others, throw gossip into the wind, spoiling the sacredness of whatever we're talking about. No one ever wants to DISCUSS anymore; they're there for the food mostly, and when there's no food, they get in and get out. Even some 'turn' when they get to small group, and are bent on disrupting it as much as possible.

What has happened? I am clueless.

Where did the first Thursday gathering go? Sitting together, immersed in nature, speaking our minds and our hearts and just reveling in the knowledge of God, and the knowing God. Where did the honesty and the interest and the sacredness run off to? Where did the genuine love for one another drip away to? I am lost; I don't know how to get back. For months I've tried to drag it together, but every time is a failure. I have tried it lovingly, but I must admit, I've been on the verge of ripping up the papers and just leaving.

I have had several friends tell me that it needs to change, that it upsets them the way it acts. A friend told me that last night, and was afraid it would make me upset; I agree with her, but what can I do? I just want to end it half the time.

It is a waste of my life, it feels, yet deep down, I know God put me there, and put the people that gather together in that room. So what now?

I don't know how to explain. Actually, I can't. It is one of those things you can't understand. I was praying in my room, when suddenly I stopped. It hit me, right between the eyes, an icycle piercing my soul:

"I am talking to God. I am talking to the Creator."

Think about that.

Wherever you are, open your Bible and read Daniel 10, because it has been an amazing insight for me. Daniel has received a terrifying revelation, and for three weeks he is fasting and mourning, no doubt starving for an answer from God. But no answer, no whisper, nothing has come from God. A lot of us would say we've blown it, or God is holding back from us. I have thought that SO MUCH. But if you read down through Daniel 10, you find God's messenger coming to Daniel, and apologizing for not coming right away. What happened? Evil forces held him at bay and he had to fight them off with the help of one of the mightiest angels, Michael.

What this reminds me of is two things. First, when our prayers go unanswered, when a family member tragically dies, when we screw up and fall into sin, when we bomb out in ministry, or when we go through a lot of dry times without tasting the goodness of God, it doesn't necesarily mean that we have completely screwed up; it doesn't mean that God has turned his backs on us or is practicing the 'silence of God' or is holding out on us; it doesn't even mean that he's testing our patience. We can't forget that we are in a WORLD OF WAR. All AROUND us a battle rages; if we open the eyes of our heart, we can see it. I can see it. You can, too - just open your eyes. It isn't a battle of flesh and blood, but a battle for our hearts, for our lives. It is God battling Satan for our freedom in Christ. No doubt there are battles raging over prayers, during worship, temptation, and tragedy. The good angels don't win every battle; Satan wins a few, too.

Second, Daniel 10 reminds me that while God has our lives planned out, it doesn't always 'go to plan.' A lot of people I know read the Scriptures that God has a plan for our lives and then just lay back, relax, and say, "I'm safe no matter what happens." They're deceived. Because while God has a plan for good for us, the Enemy has a plan for evil against us. So when tragedy strikes and we say, "Was this your plan?" maybe it wasn't. When we don't get into that college or we don't get accepted into that church ministry or when we don't get married to the person we want, maybe that didn't fit into God's plan? We have to remember this and not get complacent - we are in a massive war, and we have roles to play in the battle. And the last thing we can do is say "God has a plan" and ignore the fact that, yes, so does the Devil. Satan can't possess us; but he sure as heck can screw around with us.

There's a battle raging all around us, a battle we cannot see.
Grab your sword - we have to fight.

We all have visions, if we spiritual at all, f what Jesus wants us to be, and the great thing is to learn not to be disobedient to the vision, not to say this it cannot be attained. Yet in fulfilling visions we must be revolving around and overcome not by the cause or product but by a Person, Jesus Christ! We need to be absolutely for Jesus Christ, seeing nothing else, living for nothing else. Our whole lives are to have no end, no aim, no purpose but Jesus! - Oswald Chambers

I am excited. Tomorrow I am purchasing Waking the Dead by John Eldredge. I have all his other books, and I am eager to reread them all. If you want to borrow any, just ask! They are revolutionary. John Eldredge is also the author of The Sacred Romance, The Journey of Desire, Wild at Heart, and his newest, EPIC. All are well-worth a deep, thoughtful look.

All Christians need to vote Bush or they've got their views all messed up. All Christians need to vote Republican - God's a Republican. If Christians vote for Kerry, they're going against God's will and need a brain check. If Kerry wins, the End is coming soon.

I don't really believe any of that, but these are some of the statements that have been popping up on televangelist news, websites all over the Internet, and in the school cafeteria. If I were voting, I admit that I don't really know WHO I would vote for. Bush stands for a lot of things I stand for, but so does Kerry. I guess I would vote Kerry because he can actually make a big impact on the things I stand for - helping out with the poor, etc. I know Christians who are die-hard Bush and Christians who are die-hard Kerry, but I have disagreements with none of them!

I saw a sticker that said GOD IS NOT A DEMOCRAT... OR A REPUBLICAN. I jokingly told my friends that Jesus would be an independent, but I really don't think Jesus would run for President. Politics are hardly even mentioned in the New Testament, except for when Jesus says, "Render to Caesar's what is Caesar's," and, "obey the laws of the land." The Scriptures also tell us that whoever wins will either a) be placed in power by God's choosing, or 2) allowed to be in power by God's permission. Either way, nothing that happens tonight and none of the results of tomorrow are going to throw God's plans out-of-whack. It's all in His Plan!

And to say Kerry is evil incarnate is just plain dumb. Kerry is a good man. I really do believe that. I think he is capable of running the country. You may consider me a hypocrite for throwing some Kerry jokes on here a week or two back, but even then I pointed out I had no problems with Johnny. To say Kerry is the antichrist is a little too extreme - that sure is going to attract non-Christian Kerry-voters to Jesus!

So really, I don't care who wins tomorrow. Either way, no skin off my back. I pity my friends who are going to have a meltdown in Kerry wins :-). Check out Doug Hill's blog for an amazing insight into some of the stuff I've said here.

Prayer Remix 2

If you've ever seen Louie Giglio's 'prayer remix' message, then it probably hit you as hard as it hit me. Everyone I've talked to who's heard it says it is very powerful. I actually did a house church message on it! But I realize there was one thing he didn't talk about in that message (however, I did not see his other prayer remix messages, it just wasn't in this one). I believe God has been laying it on my heart to pray for other people, and for the past few days, I have been. Sometimes we get so wrapped up with me-me-me in our prayers that we don't look upward (towards God) and outward (towards others). What I've discovered is that when i focus my prayers on God and not on myself, something amazing happens. When I focus my prayers on God, God uses me in tons of different ways. And when i focus my prayers on others, the prayers get answered. I encourage everyone to pray for others. It sounds Sunday-Schoolish, I know, but it is so important. Perhaps, when we have the chance to talk about anything, say anything, or ask for anything from the Creator who can DO anything, and we focus not on ourselves but on the Creator first and others second, maybe He sees our selflessness and says, "Granted." I don't know. But here are two ways my prayers 'for others' have been answered specifically (others probably have, I just haven't heard about them).

1) The first actually happened Saturday night. A bunch of my friends were going to a concert, so I just prayed that they would have a good time and it would be a night they would never forget. Well, Sunday morning they were bouncing off the walls. I find out that they met Russ from ZAO and the guitarist from another band they were excited to be seeing. They were also first in line and in the very front. It was an amazing concert.

2) my friend Tyler has been struggling a lot with 'message' ideas for a Bible Study he co-leads on Monday afternoons. He has expressed to me over and over how hard it is for him, and while he's been praying for help, it was slow in coming. So I just 'lifted him up' in prayer, and then while he was in Business class, out of the blue rushed TONS and TONS of ideas, barraging him from all directions, and he was literally screaming in excitement during lunch.

Those are just two ways I have heard of. Who knows what else God is doing? I just think we should all pray for others more than for ourselves. What would change if everyone in a local church turned their prayers away from themselves and just prayed intensely for each other? Looking at the first days of the early church, I have an answer: MIRACLES.