fortune cookie wars - the first battle

It all started when I bought a box of fortune cookies from hometown proud I.G.A. Joining Chris Williams, Pat Dewenter, Pat Hague and Ashlie Finnie at Ashlie's house, I stole Hague's keys from under his nose, ran outside, unlocked the 4x4, put a fortune cookie in each seat, and locked the doors back up. I returned inside and laughed around with Ashlie until Forsake Me Not climbed out of the basement after a grueling hour of practice.

They wanted me to see a movie with them, Evil Dead. I will be going over there to watch it in a few minutes, but they're not there yet. Anyways, Ashlie decided to spend the night over here, so she was getting her shoes on when they went out the door. I sat down on the couch and picked up a giant Bible and was looking at 1 Kings when I heard doors slamming, and frantic voices: "Anthony! Anthony!"

Ashlie's eyes went wide. I held the Bible taught. All three of them bolted into the room. Pat's face was ashen; Hague was tripping over the carpet; Chris munched on his fortune cookie. Hague shrieked, "Did you do this! Anthony! Please tell me you did this!" Fear. Terror. I was laughing, but played it off like I was laughing at them, not at the joke. I asked what was going on. Pat said, "There were fortune cookies in our seats." This is way into the night, you must know, and they're mortified - the idea of a five-foot-tall Chinese Ho-Chi-Minh slinking around the suburbs is unnerving to anyone and makes you wary of windows. Chris finished off his cookie. Hague yelped, "Anthony! Listen! TELL ME YOU DID THIS!" "Were there any in my Jeep?" I countered.

Suddenly Pat yells to Chris, "Dude! You should've have eaten that! It could've been poisoned!" Chris suddenly isn't so calm; his eyes are large as saucer plates. Hague's hands are shaking. How come I haven't exploded in laughter yet??? Pat said, "Hague, show me the wrapper. I'll be able to tell what restaurant it is from. I know these things." Hague throws it over. Chris' attention is beamed in. I'm watching with ecstatic glee. Pat looks over the wrapper, "This isn't China Cottage, man."

Chris finally speaks. "Check Anthony's car!" They turn and bolt out the front door, almost spinning into the hedges. Ashlie and I run after them. Pat is in the lawn and asks under his breath, "Did you do it, man?" I told him no. Chris and Hague are at the Jeep, throwing open the doors. The inside light goes on and they see the I.G.A. bag and the box of fortune cookies. Fear drains into anger.

Chris takes the box of fortune cookies, opens the lid, and hurls them out all over the street. The rest is chaos. A neighbor looking out the door would hear lots of shouting, yells, cries, figures running about in the dark. Hague jumped up at me; I kicked him in the stomach, knocking him in to the Jeep. I chased Chris and Pat; Pat took the fortune cookies and ran up into the garage. He hands them off to Hague. Chris and Pat double-team me and I'm caught; Hague makes a run for it; I flail and break free, hurling myself at Hague. They beat it into the 4x4 and race away.

Ashlie and I jump into the Jeep and we drive to I.G.A., where I bought yet another pack of fortune cookies (what is it with me and Chinese food?). I told Ashlie, "We'll put them in Chris' front door in a Pentagram." That's a witch's symbol for those of you who don't know. We drive to their subdivision, and as we turn onto their road, a pair of headlights flashes over us and I know: it's them.

I smile at Ashlie. She sees the vengeance in my eye.