I sit here in the quiet of my room listening to the fireworks exploding outside; they sound like artillery. A few nights ago, my family sat out on the deck and I announced, "It feels like we're out in the British countryside during the Battle of Britain and we're sending out flak against the German bombers." That's not really what I want to talk about, though. Right now a jumble of emotions are swirling through me. First I feel tired. It's the medicine. I constantly feel drowsy; it is a happy drowsy, a blissful drowsy, and I don't mind it.

Second, I feel somewhat frustrated. My friends keep coming over, wanting to hang out, and while it's fun, they're expecting me to be my usual wild and laughing and gung-ho and, "Let's wrestle," mood. They feel like I am shirking them because all I want to do is sit around, lay in bed, listen to music or watch television. It isn't long before they're upset and telling me how much I am bugging them, and when I tell them, "I'm sorry, man, it's the medicine..." they tell me that it's a lousy excuse and I'm just a boring person. It is frustrating, so I roll my eyes, wondering how they can expect someone doped on macro-pain-relievers to be their usual energetic self. Then tomorrow they're going to call and want to hang out, and I'll tell them, "I'm tired, but you can come over," and they're going to be upset again. Oh well. They were forewarned. I can't really do anything about it.

Third, I feel somewhat inspired. Tired, frustrated, inspired. I don't know if inspired is really the right word. I choose it because I don't have any idea what the right word is; I don't know if there is a word for it. I don't think it has anything to do with my medicine, either, because it's a feeling I've known many times before. It is the feeling inside me that craves to consume every inch of spirituality, to laugh and sing and study and write and explore spirituality with boldness and intrique. It is God calling my name, calling me to romance, calling me to explore Him and discover Him and uncover Him. This inspiration is more like a calling, more like my name being whispered as it is emblazoned in gold. We all hear and feel the inspiration; we feel it sometimes when we see lightning, or when we smell a flower, or we can sense it in the rhythms of a beautiful song. He speaks to us from everywhere, and the message is always the same: "It's really better on this side of the fence."