the dayton days: II

amos puffin' that pipe

Monday. I woke at 10:00, worked out, and did some more writing on 36H2. I went to Spring Valley Starbucks and Abby was working there. She went to C.C.U., we worked at the Hilltop together. She made my coffee and we talked and I sat down and wrote about what it means to love God. I was going to go to Indiana to see Jess Lynn but she's sick with kidney stones so that fell through. I fixed Mom, Dad and I chicken, rice, and vegetables for dinner. I chatted with Gambill and Brette C. before bed. We're supposed to get lots of snow tomorrow.

Tuesday. I dreamt that Sarah and I were making out with our shirts off. It snowed another 6" overnight, which sucks because I was going to go down to Cincinnati and hang out with Amos. We rescheduled for Thursday. Mom & I shoveled the driveway. Dylan came over, and we went to Spring Valley and discussed theology. We went to DLM and made burgers for dinner. I had a headache so I went to bed early. Sarah told me she's done with Billy. He's giving her the same treatment Maggie gave me. Sarah lamented being hurt by him and I fought the urge to quip, "Now you know how I feel." She did hurt me. Really badly. But I still want to be there for her, because she has so few friends. I had thoughts of her all day, imagined us happy together, her looking at me the same way she looked at Billy that night. I imagine her kissing me and cuddling with me. But I wasn't good enough for her, just like I wasn't good enough for Julie, Courtney, and Karen. The cycle continues unabated.

Wednesday. Late last night Sarah admitted that the main reason she didn't date me wasn't because we lacked "chemistry" but because of my physical appearance. That made me feel just swell. "Kick that bitch to the curb," Mandy growled. I finished the first third of 36H2. I shoveled the driveway and went down to Cincinnati. I picked up Amos and we went to The Anchor and drank coffee and smoked our pipes. We went by C.C.U. and two cute girls kept eyeing me. Jessie and her roomie Brette were playing in the snow. We went up to President's Hall and chatted with Jobst and Dan Dyke. We went to Kroger and then to the Lehman House for burgers and fries with Ams. We went back to his apartment and hung out for a while and then I went back by the Lehman House and Sarah was there hanging with Katherine. We hung out and smoked cigarettes and laughed. "Just like old times!" she said. I left around 10:00 and was back in Dayton and in bed by 11:00.

Thursday. Sarah complained on Facebook about how there are so few good guys out there and how she can never find them. It pissed me off. Mandy saw it, and I had to keep her from posting something mean on Sarah's page. I went to the library with Mom, and we had spaghetti for dinner. Dad and I went to Drug-Mart and I went to bed pretty early.

Friday. I spent the day watching TV, cleaning, working on 36H2. Aunt Teri and Uncle Bill came up. Fun times. Sarah is going out to Bar 127 tonight. Same place she hooked up with Billy. When I was there, the guys were crawling all over her. I know I shouldn't worry. Not because she'll make good decision--"Sarah's stupid," Ams said, "and she's going to keep making stupid decisions."--but because I know that I shouldn't think about her anymore, that I need to move on. So I just drank NyQuil, fell into a numbless stupor, and passed out.

Saturday. Sarah texted me all night long. Billy wasn't texting her, but he was texting her friend Stephanie, whom she was there with. Steph admitted that she and Billy had a thing going on. Billy told Steph that they were "soul mates." Sarah spent a long time in the bar's bathroom bawling her eyes out. I woke at 2:00 AM and spent an hour texting her. I called her in the morning, her shift at Tri-Health. She had a bad hangover (two beers and six shots) and she said that I was right all along, that Billy was just using her. Obviously: in the car on the way to our house that god-forsaken night he kept talking about Steph and how much he cared for her. After our talk I went to Spring Valley and got coffee and worked on a few new chapters for 36H2. Dylan, Tyler and I went to see the movie "Wolfman." We went our separate ways, and Mom and Aunt Teri got us pizza and we watched "Couple's Retreat." It just made me think about Sarah. I'm done. Fucking DONE. Done worrying about her, caring so much. You care for someone so much it hurts, and I'm done with that. She'll continue in her ways. I moved to get away from her, but my mind and heart have not yet detached. Her life, where it's going, no matter how much I care about her, IT'S NOT MY RESPONSIBILITY. She'll keep living her life, making stupid decisions, and she'll be trapped in her misery. And IT'S NOT MY RESPONSIBILITY. I have served her, catered to her, sacrificed for her. I cared more about HER than I cared for myself. And when she hurt me so deeply, so viciously, when she flaunted it before my eyes and eviscerated my fucking heart, it showed all her words of "care" and "compassion" to be meaningless. I'm done caring about her so much because she doesn't deserve that from me. I'm done loving her so deeply because she doesn't deserve my love. I'm going to do everything in my power to forget her, to continue with my life, to rebuild it and reshape it. People told me, "A day will come when you forget Julie." (My 2nd girlfriend) I didn't believe them. But that day came. And when I lost Courtney, they said the same thing, and they were right. A day will come when I forget Sarah. But not until I realize--really realize--that I deserve SO MUCH BETTER.

Valentine's Day. Jessie showed me a quote by Mother Theresa that basically said, "What people do with their lives isn't your responsibility." Ironic? I slept 12 hours last night. I drove down to Cincinnati. Sarah was with her mom and Ams went to Dayton, so I had the Lehman House to myself. I watched a movie--"The Day After," about nuclear war--, read a book, "Prey" by Michael Crichton, and worked on 36H2. At 7:30 I went to house church at the Hoos Apartment. Mandy fixed chicken curry. We talked about Christian ecumenicism, and it was a good crew: Andy W., Amos, Rob and Mandy, the Sulzener's, Jessie and Tony. I went to Lehman to see Sarah afterwards. She looked worn out. We smoked cigarettes and talked for about fifteen minutes. Mandy, Jessie & Tony (they're dating now), Amos and I went to The Anchor. I got coffee and Amos had hand-rolled cigars we smoked. We talked about nautical shit. I got home around 2 AM and crashed.