It's the end of February, which means I've been living back in Centerville for a month now. It's had its highs and lows, to be sure, but I'm still confident this move was the best idea. It is pointless to be stuck in a situation where you're head-over-heels for a girl who isn't attracted to you for various reasons. It is pointless to remain in a state of drowning and suffocating, in a state of unimaginable (though understandable) pain of feeling not good enough, unlovable, etc. It's strange how the simplest disappointments in life can rupture a person's heart and thrust that person into an ocean of strangled and disjointed self-perception. Some days I think about her "in that way," and some days I don't. Some days I'm tempted to selfishly sever the friendship for my own sake, knowing that it could pave the way for healing; and some days I selfishly want to continue in the friendship because it means so much to me.
I'm hoping this next month will be better. I turn 23. That's not too exciting. I probably won't be in Cincinnati till maybe the end of March. Finances just keep getting tighter and tighter. A new biochemical cycle is starting, warping my emotions. Hopefully that won't last too long. On the plus side, it's been great reconnecting with friends whom I haven't seen since I moved down to Cincinnati. Pat Dewenter, Pat and Ashlie Hague, and hopefully Chris, too. March could be good. Or bad. If history repeats, it will be bad. History is cyclical, as the writer of Ecclesiastes said, and for the past five and a half years, it's just been cycles of "Bad" vs. "Not so bad." And then when I think it can't get worse, it does. But that's how life is. Dewenter and I saw "Up in the Air" today. We both really liked it. My parents hated it because it wasn't a happy ending. But I like movies that don't have happy endings, because happy endings are so rare in life.
Someone once said, "Life is happiness interspersed with moments of suffering." Maybe my perception is wrong, or maybe it's just because I enjoy the gift of physiological depression, but my own take on the matter is: "Life is suffering interspersed with moments of happiness." And disliking movies without happy endings is comparable to turning a blind eye to the world around us. Movies with happy endings are so enjoyable to many because they offer a sense of escapism. But as I told my mom, "I'd rather face life for what it is than pretend it's something it's not just so I'll feel better."
I'm hoping this next month will be better. I turn 23. That's not too exciting. I probably won't be in Cincinnati till maybe the end of March. Finances just keep getting tighter and tighter. A new biochemical cycle is starting, warping my emotions. Hopefully that won't last too long. On the plus side, it's been great reconnecting with friends whom I haven't seen since I moved down to Cincinnati. Pat Dewenter, Pat and Ashlie Hague, and hopefully Chris, too. March could be good. Or bad. If history repeats, it will be bad. History is cyclical, as the writer of Ecclesiastes said, and for the past five and a half years, it's just been cycles of "Bad" vs. "Not so bad." And then when I think it can't get worse, it does. But that's how life is. Dewenter and I saw "Up in the Air" today. We both really liked it. My parents hated it because it wasn't a happy ending. But I like movies that don't have happy endings, because happy endings are so rare in life.
Someone once said, "Life is happiness interspersed with moments of suffering." Maybe my perception is wrong, or maybe it's just because I enjoy the gift of physiological depression, but my own take on the matter is: "Life is suffering interspersed with moments of happiness." And disliking movies without happy endings is comparable to turning a blind eye to the world around us. Movies with happy endings are so enjoyable to many because they offer a sense of escapism. But as I told my mom, "I'd rather face life for what it is than pretend it's something it's not just so I'll feel better."
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