I'm back in Dayton for the long haul. I probably won't be back in Cincinnati for over a month. In the meantime I am continuing my job search (I applied to two different barista positions in the Dayton area), kicking it high-gear for weight-loss (at 164, hope to be at 150 by the end of the month), and reconnecting with area friends (Dylan and I are going to a bar tonight, and Dewenter and I are hanging out sometime tomorrow). I'm going to try to quit smoking for the final time (this should be decently easy since I don't have money to afford cigarettes), and if that is successful, I am going to pick up running again. This is all I have for updates regarding my life, unless, of course, you count the main reason why I bailed out of Cincinnati.
Last night she and I ate dinner and went to a hole-in-the-wall pub. She had a beer and I had a shot of bourbon. And we talked about me moving out. She acknowledges that what she did was hurtful, and she's sincerely sorry for it. I told her that it was unfair of me to expect her to live a certain way just because of my feelings for her, and that she shouldn't have to censor her life just to make it easier on me. She's a good friend--probably my best friend--and I don't want to be a hindrance to her happiness. I told her, "If you want to date Billy, then date him. If he makes you happy, go for it. He's certainly not a deuschbag like Keith was." She told me she wants me to be happy, and I told her I want the same for me. And I told her that I was fearful that me moving out meant the end of our friendship, but I know now that it's not the end of the friendship. "It's just taking a new direction," I said. She added, "Our friendship's going to change because of this." And she's right. But a friendship changing is not the same as a friendship ending. And once I am totally over her I will be able to be there for her like I was when she was with Keith, not allowing my own selfish ambitions to stain our friendship.
Right now she means the world to me in every possible way, and I want nothing more than to be with her in that romantic sense. But I know that will never happen. She calls it chemistry. I have my own words for it. How one describes it and explains it doesn't change the reality that it is. So choose whatever words you want and wrap it in whatever stockings you prefer, but in the end the reality is that I want to be with her and she doesn't want to be with me. And there's no point in me remaining in Cincinnati while I'm borderline in love with her when there's no future. I may as well move forward in my life and do what must be done to get things back to where they should be. And one day I will fall in love with a girl and she will fall in love with me and these chaotic days of un:reciprocated love will be but a mere memory, and a blurry one at that.
Last night she and I ate dinner and went to a hole-in-the-wall pub. She had a beer and I had a shot of bourbon. And we talked about me moving out. She acknowledges that what she did was hurtful, and she's sincerely sorry for it. I told her that it was unfair of me to expect her to live a certain way just because of my feelings for her, and that she shouldn't have to censor her life just to make it easier on me. She's a good friend--probably my best friend--and I don't want to be a hindrance to her happiness. I told her, "If you want to date Billy, then date him. If he makes you happy, go for it. He's certainly not a deuschbag like Keith was." She told me she wants me to be happy, and I told her I want the same for me. And I told her that I was fearful that me moving out meant the end of our friendship, but I know now that it's not the end of the friendship. "It's just taking a new direction," I said. She added, "Our friendship's going to change because of this." And she's right. But a friendship changing is not the same as a friendship ending. And once I am totally over her I will be able to be there for her like I was when she was with Keith, not allowing my own selfish ambitions to stain our friendship.
Right now she means the world to me in every possible way, and I want nothing more than to be with her in that romantic sense. But I know that will never happen. She calls it chemistry. I have my own words for it. How one describes it and explains it doesn't change the reality that it is. So choose whatever words you want and wrap it in whatever stockings you prefer, but in the end the reality is that I want to be with her and she doesn't want to be with me. And there's no point in me remaining in Cincinnati while I'm borderline in love with her when there's no future. I may as well move forward in my life and do what must be done to get things back to where they should be. And one day I will fall in love with a girl and she will fall in love with me and these chaotic days of un:reciprocated love will be but a mere memory, and a blurry one at that.
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